


Shelter In The Present From The Ghost Of Your Past

by Maisie_top_trash



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alters, Anxiety, Dissociative Identity Disorder, F/M, Historical sexual abuse, Recovery, They grew up a ton, although if everything got better where would the fun be?, did, knowing me there will be a shit ton of angst too, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2018-11-03 18:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 32
Words: 146,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10973325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: SEQUEL toA Matter of Identity(ノ°ο°)ノ5 years on and everything's different but some things never change.





	1. Chapter 1

Debby was cool. If their lives were a sitcom then she would be the dark mysterious hot girl who wore leather and rode motorbikes and always always had perfect hair in spite of the legally required helmet. She'd be the one who smoked to stick it to the man and never expressed any emotion, communicating with others via a limited variety of smoulders. She'd have an unknown back story and be closed off in a way that drove all the boys wild, and a woman of few but intense words.

In reality she was the polar opposite, except the hot bit, and yet she was still the coolest girl that Josh had ever met.

Leather wasn't really her thing, she was into colour, not neons per say but bright and bold patterns that shouldn't work together and yet did. Her ride was less Harley more Herbie, a 1972 classic VW Beetle that was her pride and joy, and was called Gertrude. As for perfect hair? Well that bit was true.

You were more likely to find Debby fostering stray cats than smoking, and she easily had the most expressive face Josh had ever seen and it was nearly always smiling. Unknown back story? Well everyone's was until you asked them, and when he booked an 8 hour sitting for the beginnings of tattoo sleeve at her parlour, she had plenty of time to spill it.

With getting a tattoo, one of that scale at least, Josh's biggest concern was that he'd get bored. Pain had barely crossed his mind until the needle touched his skin for the first time and the pretty girl with the gun laughed as he hissed. It felt like he had blistering sunburn that she was repeatedly scratching, however she was used to wimpy wusses and easily distracted him with stories about her life that he soon reciprocated.

She told him how she was born in Alabama and raised in Europe, he shared he was an Ohio boy through and through. She told him she could speak German and eventually displayed that when he encouraged her, and he explained how he only spoke English and couldn't even read it. She said she had dreams of being a tooth fairy and he had dreams of playing baseball.

The tattoo artist career route had never even been considered by her until her artwork was spotted senior year of high school and she was offered an internship over summer which she accepted on a whim. That lead to a job which then lead to a reputation which then lead to the manager's position being offered to her when her predecessor moved states. She loved it. It was evident by her words, her smile, her passion.

Josh's career, or more accurately, careers, instilled the same level of passion in him as her's did her. Turns out when the blinkers of self doubt were removed, a whole plethora of doors opened for people who were illiterate. He was a private personal trainer by appointment Wednesday through Saturday and was in high demand so could have anywhere between 3 and 6 clients a day, all of whom payed handsomely.

Then on Mondays and Tuesdays he indulged in his new found passion as a florist. Initially he became involved in flower arranging when his roommate's mother, Kelly, had asked him to help out at her friend's store whilst they were on holiday. All he had to do was water the plants, but he quickly became obsessed with them and it blossomed into a part time job, pun intended. Ethel, the owner of the store, had taken him under her wing and taught him all there was to know about flowers without ever asking him to read or write out orders etc. And his two days of arranging bouquets and drinking green tea were definitely in his top seven favourite days of the week.

The final job Josh had was voluntary, and a tip of the hat to his youth. Wednesday evenings and Saturday afternoons he was a coach for the local little league baseball team. It was more of a baby sitting job than a tribute to the sport that had once been his everything, but he adored it all the same.

Debby had switched to a different part of his arm and a whole new level of pain pulsed through his system, so she asked him more about baseball as more of a distraction. And he wasn't sure whether it was because he was in a vulnerable position with her needle in his arm or whether he was just giddy talking to the girl he was quickly starting to crush on, but his guard was immediately down and he spilled all.

He told her all about his pursuits of baseball, about his parents and his childhood and his downfall. No detail was spared, after all she was covering his scars and he couldn't hide from them. So he told her about the depression, how his home environment had turned toxic and so he left and instead moved in with Tyler and their family. They discussed the lowest points of that time, of the panic attacks and paranoia that eventually lead to him dropping out of high school.

Josh also spoke about the way his new family did everything to care for him, including getting him diagnosed and medicated, but he quickly caught onto the financial strain he was putting on them. So 9 weeks after running away, he returned home for a brief meeting, Mr Joseph waiting in the car outside. He entered the house that felt so foreign and was completely and utterly ignored by every member of family and staff, until eventually getting slapped by his mother. No complaints were made, he just took it then asked for a moment of his father's time in his private study.

Once father and son were behind closed doors, his father had dropped the blanking act and told Josh in calm and quiet words that he was so relieved that he was okay. Josh explained that in actual fact he was far from okay, he had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was on antidepressants and anxiolytics and sleep medication but still struggled with panic attacks and even self harm on occasion. Father was lost for words, so Josh filled the space. He said he didn't need his help, he just need the money to cover the costs of the treatment, medicinal and therapeutic, until he was well enough to work. Bill nodded and Josh stood up and opened the door to leave when the older suddenly called out quietly that he missed them playing baseball together. Josh managed to hold his nerve and reply with a simple goodbye before running to Mr Joseph's car and breaking down in the passenger seat.

That had been the last time Josh had seen any member of his family, however he'd received a letter from the bank just a day after which Mrs Joseph explained was details of a new account that had been set up for him. And sure enough, Father had given him enough to cover the costs of his meds x100, and it was continually paid into every month. Josh used the money to pay for his treatment and also for Tyler's, and attempted to give the rest to Mr and Mrs Joseph but they always refused and said he was being generous enough for paying what he was.

Almost a year after he had moved in with the Josephs, sharing a bunk bed with Tyler, he moved out again and this time into an apartment with his practical sibling and best friend. The significant sum very easily covered the costs of a deposit on a ridiculously nice 4 bedroom open plan condo, and Josh and Tyler were in heaven as they settled into their new home. Neither of them went to college but both of them found jobs.

Only a month after they moved in, Jenna moved out of her campus housing at Ohio State University and into their apartment with them. She took room number 3 as her own, however always always slept in Tyler's room with them. Her bedroom was just for rare emergencies, in case an alter who didn't feel comfortable with sharing a bed was fronting that evening or if they were overstimulated and needed space. It didn't happen often but it felt best for everyone that she had her own space too, and honestly Josh loved having her there because she made Tyler's system that bit calmer.

Once the tattoo sleeve was done, Debby moved in too. Of course there was a fair amount of courting before Josh gave her a key, but the year they dated before the big step seemed to race by. She didn't take room number 4, she went straight in with Josh.

And now, aged 22, life seemed pretty good. Of course there was no such thing as perfection, he still relied quite heavily on medication and panic attacks were a weekly occurrence, but that was a significant improvement from the hourly incidents they had once been. Living with his 3 best friends helped massively, although if they were being technically correct they actually lived with their 11 best friends. Tyler had developed a couple more alters, Willow turned out to be a caring and supportive alter and a few months later Lilly had shown up to join James as a littleone, aged 4 too. Then the latest member was a nasty one, a persecutor alter who was called Michael and copied all the actions and characteristics that the real Michael had possessed during their relationship. No, no nobody was feeling particularly warm about that and it didn't quite sit right with any of them.

Nevertheless things were good. He was a florist and a personal trainer and a little league coach, and happy. Debby had been his girlfriend for close to 2 years and she was without a doubt the most fascinating and stunning girl in the universe and he was completely infatuated by her. So even as she sat on the other end of the couch and picked at her feet absentmindedly, no clothes but his shirt and his boxers, Josh was reminded of how truly lucky he was to be sent down the path that had lead him to so many beautiful people.

"Whatcha looking at pretty boy?" She complained playfully with a smile, catching him staring.  
"You gonna marry me?"  
"Every time you propose I age a decade."  
"You're the sexiest grandma in the world then."  
"You gonna put a baby in me? Can't be a grandma without kids and grandkids."  
"Every time you ask me to have children with you I age a decade."  
"Oi, come up with your own thing mister."  
"Make me." Josh smirked and she turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow that suggested she might.

"Hello hello," the familiar happy chimes of Jenna rang through the apartment as the front door opened and she entered, killing the sexual tension but not stopping Debby crawling across the couch to snuggle in her boyfriend's arms.

"Hey, how was school?" Josh asked as she dumped her bag then flopped onto the other side of the cornered couch.  
"About as much fun as you expect an art history class to be."  
"Oh you poor thing." Debby laughed.  
"Haha nah it wasn't all that bad, just got a big paper to write which I can't be bothered with. How were your days?"  
"I tattooed a rather hairy gentleman's rear end, so fabulous thank you,"  
"What do you even get on your butt?" Josh doubtfully asked.  
"Well in this case you get your wife's name."  
"Wow, romantic." Jenna rolled her eyes. "How bout you Josh?"  
"Me? I've got nothing on my butt, however I did just have a brilliant idea,"  
"If you get my name on your arse I will leave you." Debby said dead pan serious. "And I'm getting full custody of Dr Doctor."  
"You can't take my baby away from me!" Josh howled before beginning to laugh with the girls, "Nah my day was good thanks, brought you home some freesias, they're in a vase in your room."  
"You're a star," the blonde girl smiled and blew him a kiss.

"Where's Ty and co?"  
"Doing a puzzle in the kitchen," Josh answered before Debby corrected him.  
"They finished it, gone out for a walk."  
"Keeping a close eye on them hey Josh," Jenna shook her head smiling before sobering, "seem okay?"  
"Ty was fronting but quiet." Debby replied as Josh stroked her hair.  
"Hmm right,"  
"Something going on?"  
"Just nightmares again, I still worry though."  
"Well if there's anything we can do then let us know," Josh offered.  
"Thank you,"

"Oh hey there Doc, hey," he cooed as their kitty jumped up onto the couch and nestled down beside him and Debby.  
"How long have they been gone?" Jenna asked.  
"Bout 45 minutes?"  
"Did they say where they're walking?"  
"Just around the block, but Jen, don't worry, they'll be okay. If they're not back in another half hour then I'll come out with you and have a look around." Debby reassured her.  
"Thanks," she sighed, rubbing her eye.

"J and I were thinking about getting Chinese takeout later, you up for that?" Debby asked her, stroking the cat.  
"Zack's coming round and we were planning on going out together, but maybe it's best we stay in tonight, so yeah, that sounds lovely thanks."  
"Zack? Aw I haven't seen him in forever." Josh smiled. "Is Tatum coming too?"  
"She's still at uni and can't leave, Zack's back for a stag night tomorrow and also staying with his parents for the nights either side so he's coming over for some company."  
"Still, it'll be nice to see him."  
"Yeah," Jenna agreed, then turned to see the front door open again and Tyler slip through, hood up and headphones in. The room went silent, watching them closely as they walked the length of the room right beside the wall with their shoulders hunched a little.

"Sweetheart? Everything okay?" Jenna called out to them softly but was ignored. "Gonna say hello?"  
"Guys?" Josh joined in but Tyler had already gone into their bedroom and closed the door.  
"Right, gimme a minute," their girlfriend said quietly as she shuffled off the couch and followed after them.

"Bless, you think they're alright?" Debby asked Josh, leaning back to look at him whilst he held her hand and played with her rings.  
"Jenna will get to the bottom of it."  
"Remind me, Zack, he's their little brother right?"  
"Yeah, older of their two younger, he was at the BBQ last summer?"  
"Oh yeh yeh yeh, I know the one."  
"They were super close when we all lived together, then Zack met Tatum and she got a place at Brown and he decided to follow her to Rhode Island and go to a local community college. They didn't fall out as such, Zack and Tyler's system, they've just grown apart. And if I'm honest, I think Ty's still a bit hurt about him upping and leaving."  
"Well that's understandable," Debby hummed.  
"But I'm sure the moment they see each other again, they'll be back to being best friends."  
"Nah, nobody's gonna snatch that title from you J, not even their brother," she smiled sweetly and he kissed the top of her head.

"Hair smells good,"  
"Weirdo,"  
"I didn't mean hair in general, I meant your hair," Josh laughed.  
"Top tip, use kid's shampoo, cheaper and smells of fruit salad."  
"Don't girls use magic potions that cost a fortune usually? In tiny bottles?"  
"Only if we can find time between doing all the cooking and the cleaning."  
"Alright my bad, I'm sorry,"  
"S'okay baby, you're just destroying everything we feminists have fought so hard for over the past few centuries." She teased, then lent back and kissed him on the lips.

"Josh? Do you mind having a word with Tyler?"  
"Oh, course, no problem." He answered Jenna, moving out from his comfortable position and walking over to their room.

Tyler and Jenna's bedroom matched the same monochrome charcoal minimalist decoration that ran throughout the modern apartment, and served only as a background to the pacing owner. Josh knocked on the doorframe with his knuckle then let himself in and laid down on the perfectly made double bed. He let Tyler continue to pace with their hands on their head until they were ready to speak.

"What if Zack hates the newbies?" Tyler asked, continuing to pace back and forth and back and forth. "Lilly, Michael, what if he hates them?"  
"I think he will hate Michael, I think he'll adore Lilly, I think neither of those opinions will impact how he feels about you."  
"He'll hate them."  
"Lilly's impossible to hate, she can melt any heart with tales of princesses in far off lands. As for Michael? Good, he should hate him, I hate him." Josh told the ceiling, finding laying on his back a lot easier than watching the system till he felt sick with dizziness.

"But, but, but you can separate that from me, what if he can't? What if he hates me? Hates all of us? What if you do! What if you hate all of us and everyone hates all of us and you all hate us and-"  
"Oi, Ty, enough of that." Josh put a stop to their panicked ramblings. "Let me tell you exactly what this is. You're anxious about seeing him again because it's been a few months, and those nerves are manifesting into paranoia which is only gonna give you more anxiety which leads to paranoia which leads to anxiety and so on and so on until you work yourselves up into such a state that you dissociate. So, calm down, deep breaths, rationalise. 7 years you've had alters, has Zack ever once held the actions of one against another?"  
"No,"  
"Has he ever held a collective opinion on all of you based on one of you?"  
"No,"  
"Has he ever hated you Tyler?"  
"No,"  
"So is he going to suddenly hate you now?"  
"No." Tyler sighed then sat next to him on the bed, playing with their nails.

"You're nervous, I get that, but you need to realise that those nerves aren't based on any actual potential danger."  
"We realise and accept that." They nodded. "Thank you,"  
"That's alright,"  
"And uh, thanks for the flowers," they added a second later, gesturing to the freesias which added a dash of purple to the grey themed room.  
"Know their name?"  
"Freesias?"  
"A+,"  
"S'Johnny, never forgets anything." Tyler smiled at the ground.

"That can be your grounding list tonight, if you work yourselves up again? See how many flowers you can name?" Josh suggested a topic for the method they both used when things started to get overwhelming.  
"Yeh. Thanks Josh."  
"It's what friends are for."

"What time is it?"  
"Almost 7," he replied, looking at his watch and then back up at Ty. "What time's Zack arriving?"  
"7,"  
"Okay well if it takes away any anxiety, Jenna said you guys are gonna stay in and eat Chinese takeout with Debby and me rather than heading out again."  
"Night in with our brother and our girlfriend and our best friend and his girlfriend, we can do that, we can do that."  
"Hell yeah you can."

"Josh?"  
"Mmm,"  
"You, uh, you remember when you moved in and you'd never had takeout food before, and you had that massive chemical high straight after that Chinese?" Tyler laughed quietly.  
"Oh god yeah," he tutted at himself, "like a bloody 5 year old on crack-"  
"GUYS! ZACK'S HERE!" Jenna called from the hall and Josh heard the murmurs of conversation and the closing of the door.

"Need a minute?"  
"Nah, think we're good." Tyler reassured him, then stood up and lead the way out of their bedroom and down to where their brother was grinning and already extending their arms out to embrace Tyler. Josh waited for his turn whilst they exchanged hellos before getting pulled into a firm hug of his own.

"You haven't changed a single bit, how the devil are you?"  
"I'm very well thanks man, very well. You?" Josh asked his best friend's brother as they all walked into the living room together.  
"Good thanks, feels good to breathe in the Columbus air once again,"  
"Nothing quite like the smell of city air pollution,"  
"Amen brother." Zack laughed as he sat down between Josh and Ty on the massive cornered couch, Jenna nestling up to her partner.

"Aren't we missing someone? Where's your mystery girl?"  
"Deb? Hmm, I dunno actually, Jen?"  
"She went to put some clothes on." She answered.  
"Not dressed? Oh Josh, you smooth operator," Zack jeered playfully.  
"We were home alone." He laughed guilty with a shrug.  
"Damn, someone finally got game."  
"What do you mean finally??! I've always had game!"  
"How many girls have you dated?" Zack snorted jokingly.  
"She's my first, but hey, quality not quantity."  
"Exactly," Jenna approved with a smile whilst running her hand through Tyler's hair.

"Since when did you become a lad?" Tyler asked.  
"Rhode Island crowd man, they're wild." Zack explained with a sigh, "Didn't mean to say man, my bad, slip of the tongue. Just out of the habit of using gender neutral plurals, yanno?"  
"Don't worry about it,"

"Hey there, you must be Zack?" Debby walked out of her and Josh's room wearing skinny jeans and Josh's hoodie, but she could have been wearing a ball gown and Josh would think her equally as stunning.  
"Hey, yeah that's me. I've seen you around, there was a BBQ? But don't think we've properly met before." He held out his hand which she shook.  
"Yeah I agree, Debby Ryan, pleasure." She smiled, then sat on Josh's lap.

"Sorry to rush off so fast but the waiting time at Blue Dragon can get insane late at night so I'm gonna run down and get the food, what do people want? Or should I just grab a load of whatever?" Jenna asked, standing up.  
"What's this? Chinese or Thai?" Zack asked.  
"Chinese."  
"Oh you know me, I'll eat anything."  
"Same," Josh agreed.  
"Can you get me bean curd Szechuan style?" Debby requested whilst playing with Josh's hand.  
"Course. Ty, you wanna come with me honey? Help me carry it all?"  
"Yeh," they nodded, standing up and holding her hand.  
"Shouldn't be too long, bye guys," Jenna waved as they walked back towards the door and grabbed jackets off the hooks.  
"Byyyeeee," Josh waved back, then the door shut behind them.

"So, let's get to know each other a bit better." Zack proposed, "Debby Ryan, what first attracted you to the multimillionaire Josh Dun?"  
"Shut up." Josh took a pillow, immediately throwing it and smacking Zack right in the face.  
"Oh yeah because his endless band tees and skinny jeans just scream member of the establishment." Debby laughed off the gold digger joke and played with his hair fondly.  
"Oh damn,"  
"You guys have known each other 30 seconds and you're already teaming up to bully me." He sulked.  
"Actually it was him being a baby that made him memorable. Some things never change." She smirked, then kissed him on the nose as he pouted.

"Nah, I'm a tattoo artist and he came to me to get his sleeve done, took 3 8 hour sessions over the space of a month and he basically just wore me down until I was so sick of turning him down that eventually I agreed to go on a date just to shut him up."  
"Naw Joshie," Zack cooed whilst laughing.  
"Been stuck with him ever since."  
"And they say that romance is dead!" Josh sighed, then smiled at her. "But I'll have you know that in actual fact it was the other way round, you were the once chasing me Ryan. How many calls the day after we swapped numbers?"  
"12?? But it was the day of the tornado! I wanted to make sure you were somewhere safe in case things got bad." Debby protested.  
"You wanted to make sure I was safe because you loooooooved meeeee,"  
"Nope. It was because you hadn't finished paying off your tat."  
"You loooovvveedddd me and you wanted to kiiiiiissssss me and have my baaaaaaaabies,"  
"You guys are disgustingly cute." Zack scoffed as they kissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing and posting simultaneously because I'm mad  
> All the replies to my question on how to post have been a real mix so I'm gonna try and keep to two times a week, but we'll see!


	2. Chapter 2

Josh's first client wasn't until 11am on Wednesday, which meant he indulged in a much needed lie in but consequently woke up alone. Debby's hours were also pretty flexible, also by appointment, however someone always had to be front of house in the shop in case anyone wanted a drop in consultation and on Wednesdays that was her role. So even though he knew she wouldn't be there, he still reached across to her side of the bed and felt his heart sink when he only found a handful of sheet.

They'd only lived together for one of his 22 years, and yet Josh barely remember a time without her. Admittedly that could be due to the fact it was easier to block out the painful memories of his teen years, but nevertheless the love he felt for his girlfriend was the best feeling he'd ever experienced and far stronger than the hurt he'd been through. She was the one, no doubt about it.

He rolled out of bed and stretched, then ruffled his hair and yawned whilst staggering towards the kitchen in search of coffee to wake him up. Walking around in a tee and boxer briefs was hardly a rare occurrence in the apartment for any of the 4 inhabitants.

Tyler was sat at the breakfast bar with their back to the door, and Josh could tell from the bouncing feet and hunched back that Cassie was fronting. As he walked further round the counter, he saw that they were leaning over a big glass bowl of water watching a bath bomb fizzle in it, releasing bright gold colours and a lot of confusion in Josh's mind.

"Morning Cass, what's that?"  
"S, uh, um, sorry, s'a bath bomb, sorry,"  
"How come it's in there rather than the bath?" He asked whilst pouring himself a cup of coffee from the pot, leaning against the prep area and watching their anxious shakes and lack of eye contact.  
"J, J-Jenna, Jenna got it for me, I, I, I like looking, it's s-soothing,"  
"Oh okay, that's alright, is it helping?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Good." He smiled. "But Cass, should you be out here by yourself? I thought we said only when Jenna or Debby or I'm here to make sure you're safe." Josh went onto ask. She was significantly better compared to the days when every single outing would result in substantial attempt on their life, but she wasn't well enough to be trusted just yet.

"Tyler's w-watching me,"  
"Can I speak to him please?" Josh asked but then the alter burst into tears, and he sighed because it was a foolish mistake. Cassie always had been sensitive about feeling unwanted and by him basically saying that he didn't want to talk to her, he'd opened the flood gates which would probably take a fair bit of time before closing again.

"Oh Cass, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Cassie, I didn't mean to upset you, shhh, calm Cass, calm," he hushed them, standing next to them as they cried. "I'm just trying to look after you all, I'm sorry I said the wrong thing but it's only because I care, shh, calm down, shh,"  
"I, I, I," they gulped tearfully.  
"Breathe deeply Cass." Josh reminded them gently. "Just watch your bath bomb, how about that? It's soothing right. I know you're upset and I'm sorry, but keep watching the bath bomb and then things will feel better I promise."

Cassie listened to his advice and watched the bubbling bowl of gold in front of them whilst sniffing and mopping up tears with their hoodie sleeves. Josh relaxed enough to take sips of his coffee, feeling slightly relieved that the situation wasn't going to progress to self harm today. Tyler and all the other alters were doing so well, all of them clean since moving into the apartment 4 years prior, however Cassie still slipped up from time to time and left evidence on their wrists. But no, Josh wouldn't have to risk triggering himself today.

"Sorry, you wanted to speak to me?" Tyler looked up.  
"I just didn't want Cassie in control, come on Ty, you know bad things might happen when she's alone and in charge."  
"We know,"  
"So why let her?"  
"Wanted to try the bath bomb technique," they shrugged.  
"Hmm, okay, well I'd feel better if you got me to be your backup just in case it didn't work."  
"Sorry, we will next time."  
"Thank you, it's only because I don't want you guys to get hurt."  
"Yeeessss Daaaddd," Tyler smirked playfully and Josh laughed.

"You got many training sessions today?"  
"Just 3, 11am for an hour and a half, 1pm for an hour and 2.30pm for another hour."  
"Regulars or newbies?"  
"All regulars." Josh replied. "You going to work today?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Want a ride?"  
"Our shift starts at 10, you're gonna be super early to the gym. Don't worry, we'll just take the bus."  
"Nah it's alright, need to do some abs anyway."  
"Pff, please, you don't neeeed to,"  
"Dude look at me, I'm all pecs no abs." Josh lifted up his shirt playfully as he tensed and Tyler splashed him with a handful of golden bath bomb water.  
"You work out more in a week than we have in our entire lives."  
"If only you knew an aaaammmaaazing personal trainer?"  
"Hmm, if only," they rolled their eyes then laughed.

"I'll give you a ride, no worries, leave here 9.40?"  
"Perfect, thanks Josh."

 

 

Tyler liked their job, they really liked it. It wasn't demanding as such, didn't require too much of them on bad days, however it was still stimulating. Plus they got to be close to Jenna which always made everything 100 times better. And the cherry on top? Their very own wheely chair.

As a child they never had aspirations of becoming a university librarian, but it was near enough perfect. Spending their days looking at pretty books, reading up on things for students, organising systems, helping people out. Pretty much every alter could find something about the role that they liked. Of course most of them, namely Blurry, could find reasons to complain, but Tyler was happy.

It was only a part time job, 4 hour shifts 5 times a week from 10am till 2pm, and the pay wasn't really enough to support them but that didn't matter. Talking about money was always awkward but Josh had ignored that and ignored Tyler's attempts at being proud, and insisted on covering the rent for their apartment every month. Initially it was weird, feeling like they were sponging, but it was also realistic. They weren't well enough for a proper job. The small 4 hour trip was more a hobby and an excuse to get out of the house and a reason to wake up at all, opposed to a money making career.

"Hi,"  
"Hello," Tyler smiled at a guy he had never seen before.  
"There's a book I need for my course and it's not listed in the library catalogue, what should I do?"  
"Here, I'll need you to fill in this book suggestion form for me, and if possible get your director of studies to sign just here." They passed him a form. "Is it urgent?"  
"Right, thank you, and I need it by next Saturday? Does that count as urgent?"  
"No, if it's approved then it should be here by Wednesday."  
"Great, thanks," the kid walked away whilst reading the slip of paper, leaving Tyler to go back to checking the return records on their computer.

Jenna had found them the job, seen it advertised on the notice board and suggested it to them. It had taken several days for Tyler and the system to decide whether they were stable enough to have responsibilities, asking for advice from Josh and Mom and their therapist as well as Jenna, before taking the plunge. Potentially the best decision they'd ever made.

After high school, after they moved into a new apartment with Josh, they were struggling. Not necessarily with the trauma or DID, but with depression and a general feeling of uselessness. Josh had roughly a million jobs and served so much purpose, Jenna was excelling in school to propel her forwards in life, and Tyler watched a lot of boxsets. Everyday was the same, not getting dressed, eating crap, wandering around the apartment because they were too scared to go outside alone in case something happened. Unmotivated and immensely unsatisfied. But this little librarian job had changed everything, gave them meaning and a reason to function.

"Hey babe,"  
"Oh hey," they smiled as Jenna walked up to their desk with a radiant smile and a hand on her bag.  
"How are things going?"  
"Good thanks, yeah, really good. How was class?"  
"Still love my professor, she's amazing." She replied, leaning up against his desk happily. "I like your shirt."  
"Thanks, Debby chose it for us the other day, said it would look good."  
"Oh was that when you got that new hoodie too?"  
"Yep,"  
"Damn, she can dress you better than I can." She laughed.  
"You're gorgeous when you're happy."  
"Flirt."  
"And proud." They grinned.

"You gonna be okay if I sit and eat my lunch out on the grass with the girls?" Jenna asked, playing with Tyler's hand that she had picked up.  
"Course, we've got stuff to be doing anyway, have fun darling."  
"Alright my little worker bee," she laughed then pecked them on the lips quickly before repositioning her bag. "Love ya,"  
"Love ya too,"

Tyler watched her walk away with a small smile on their face, then span on their chair to look at the section of the wall where they kept their photos pinned up. They had 7, 4 of which were of their system and their beautiful girlfriend, 1 of all of the roommates in their apartment together, 1 of Josh and them, then finally one of their entire extended family (including Josh) at Christmas earlier that year. Next to Tyler sat Zack, and it made them think about the night before.

Zack was only in town for a couple of days and Tyler was surprised by their reaction, yesterday they'd been an anxious blithering mess. They couldn't put their finger on exactly what was the cause, but they'd been shaking and switching and blanking all day, and honestly it was scary. But as the evening rolled around and he arrived, things slowly settled. Jenna had spent the entire trip to get food reassuring them that it was going to be fine and even if they needed to go out and sit on the fire escape for the whole night, it was still going to be fine. And it was fine, and they didn't need to sit outside. Zack was loud and confident and funny, and it rubbed off on them. They joked around and ate till they felt sick and listened to Zack's stories then told their own, and it was perfect.

He had a stag do tonight, hitting the town with some of his high school friends, and Tyler was probably going to have a nice night in with Jenna. Like they did most nights. Josh had his little league practice tonight and Debby was impossible to keep track of, so it would likely just be them and Jenna. They loved living with the other couple, adored them, but nothing compared to cozying up under a big blanket and watching crappy TV with the woman of their dreams beside them.

 

 

  
The local baseball training field was a 10 minute drive away from the apartment, however Josh always chose to run the 5 miles there because he didn't get much other time for cardio. He was consistently under half an hour, however he was determined to get hit the 5 minute mile mark. Once he reached the gate, he checked his apple watch, average pace 5.12min/mile. Damn, 3 seconds slower than last week.

"Afternoon Sweaty Betty,"  
"Hey Jack," he smiled at the head coach, closing the gate behind him and taking his earphones out whilst beginning to stretch out his muscles.  
"Sub 5 minutes yet?"  
"5.12."  
"Ooh you're slipping Josh." The older smirked.  
"Had a Chinese last night, a mound of chow mein is weighing me down." Josh laughed as he touched his toes.  
"Chinese? Oh I remember the days when I could eat Chinese. Now the wife's got me on a strict low cholesterol diet, no Chinese, no nothing, just asparagus for every meal."  
"Fibre, folate, vitamins A, C, E and K, s'good for you man."  
"Damn personal trainers." Jack sighed.

"Kids are starting to turn up already so we'll start in a minute, Skye and Luke are setting up round the back. Could you carry these round for me if you don't mind?"  
"Course, no problem." Josh nodded, taking the bags of bats off him and throwing them over his sweaty shoulders. "What we doing with them today?"  
"Small groups, thought you could take Tommy and the other under 7s? Just do some infield techniques with them, triangle drills, knee drills, the usual."  
"K cool, throwing stuff too?"  
"Always." Jack nodded. "And just talk to the kids who played on Saturday, tell em they did great, maybe give a few pointers if you spotted anything? Group improvements, not personal, don't want them getting upset."  
"Nah course not. Right, I'll take these round then get changed, thanks Jack."  
"Cheers bud,"

The bat bags weren't particularly heavy but they crashed against his small backpack as he walked, and it was a relief when he was able to put them down next to the pile of equipment that the other two volunteers had already brought round. Skye was the other side of the field setting up cones but Luke was right there and greeted him with a hug.

"Hey man,"  
"Hey, like the new hair."  
"Ma fresh trim?" Luke laughed, running a hand through his recently cut hair. "Thanks dude. I went to that barbers you recommended the other day."  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yeah, Nick says hello."  
"Awesome." Josh smiled as he took off his backpack and pulled out his baseball shirt. On the front it had the little league logo and the name of his rookie team 'Columbus Cubs', then on the back it had COACH printed proudly.

"Dude you're gonna strip off right there?"  
"Oh look, you and your fragile masculinity." He laughed as he pealed of his sweaty gym top. "Just my shirt,"  
"That's just boasting,"  
"You're only jealous." Josh teased as he threw on the clean one.  
"Hell yeah I'm jealous, 100% definitely without a doubt jealous. I'm at the gym 4 times a week and yet I've not got a patch on you."  
"It's not about how often you workout, it's about how you workout. Happy to show you sometime."  
"Dude as if I could ever afford you." Luke laughed.  
"Mate's rates."  
"Still couldn't."  
"You didn't even ask how much, for a fellow cubs coach it's free of charge."  
"You're a busy man, obviously put your paying clients first, but if you ever had a free hour then that would be amazing."  
"Course bud, course."

"What you two nattering about?" Skye joined them with a smile.  
"Josh's washboard abs."  
"No change there then," she laughed. "You grab those bats?"  
"Yep they're there." Josh pointed.  
"Oh great, thanks. I've set everything up for my field but I think Jack was gonna get you guys to go on the east field with your groups, so I dunno whether you want any cones to take with you or anything?"  
"Pff, cones snomes," Luke snorted jokingly. "Only losers use cones."  
"He's not wrong - can I grab like 2 dozen?" Josh smiled and she laughed then nodded.

"Jooooooosssshhhh,"  
"Bryyyyyycccceeeee," he called back, recognising the kid without even seeing him, then turned round to see the 6 year old leading a pack of tiny people all dressed up in little baseball jerseys and being herded towards the 3 volunteers by Jack. It was rookie night which meant they were all youngsters who could barely grip a baseball in one hand, but Josh loved it that way.  
"Everyone give Josh a high 5 as you run past, then keep running and give me a warm up lap please guys!" Jack instructed and so Josh crouched down and held up his hand for the 20 or so kids to hit as they jogged past obediently.  
"Hi, hi, hi, hi, cool hat, hi, hi, groovy sneakers, hi, hi, hi, hi, howdy, hello, hola, nice shades bud, hi, hey, hey," he greeted them all individually.

"Alright thanks for setting up guys, already took register so we're ready to go. Luke, Josh, wanna take your guys over to the other field once they're warmed up?"  
"Yes boss." Luke saluted Jack as he briefed them.  
"Know what you're doing with them?"  
"Yep."  
"It's pretty hot out so maybe do 45 minutes then meet back here for a half hour break before another 30 minutes then 15 minutes fun all together at the end of the session?"  
"Sounds good to me." Josh nodded as the little squirts started grouping again.

"Alright guys, guys listen up, we're gonna split off today so Josh and Luke are gonna take half of you across to the east field, then the other half are going to stay here with Skye and me."  
"The best half." Skye approved.  
"Nope I'm pretty sure we're gonna be the best half." Josh countered.  
"We'll see about that." She stuck her tongue out playfully and all the kids laughed.

"Alrighty if I call your name then you're gonna go stand with Luke." Josh called out all the youngest. "Bryce, Tommy, Dre, Lucy, Jason, Jasmine, Ebony, Tyrone, Malik and Junior."  
"And then all the cool kids come to me!" Skye beckoned the rest.  
"I think you'll find that we're the coolest!"  
"Oh no you're not, we are! Aren't we guys?"  
"YEAHHH!" They all chorused.  
"No we are, aren't we?"  
"YEAAHHHHH!!!!"  
"How about you both shout yeah, and who ever is loudest is the coolest?" Jack suggested.  
"YEEEEAHHHHHHHH!" They all screamed and Josh put his fingers in his ears, half for comic effect and half because they were bloody loud.  
"Ooohhh, it was close, too close to call. I think we're gonna have to come up with a better way to work it out, any ideas?"  
"How about whoever plays the best baseball today wins ultimate coolest kid of the whole intergalactic universe for all of eternity times a million gazillion?" Josh replied and all his group started muttering approvingly that they had this in the bag and it was easy, then he looked and saw all of Skye and Jack's kids were doing the same.  
"Challenge accepted." She nodded then smirked.

 

  
The kids had worked hard, but understandably they were dropping like flies as the second hour came to an end. The group had reunited on Jack and Skye's field, and they were still teaching the kids who weren't baked under the unusually hot Ohio sun, whereas Josh was sat to the side with the group who had had enough. Parents were turning up and there wasn't much longer to go.

Nevertheless the kids were bored, and Lucy had decided to entertain herself by making a delicate daisy chain crown that she then proceeded to place upon his yellow hair proudly with a giggle. Then everyone got involved and the intricacy of crown making was soon forgotten, and that was the story behind how Josh ended up with a huge pile of grass clippings dumped on top of his scalp by hysterically giggling kids.

He was still shaking the plants out of his hair when Debby arrived, greeting him with a hug and a kiss before getting swarmed by the little ones who were just as big a fans of her as he was. She always picked him up after practice and drove him home, not wanting him to complete another 5 mile run in case he made himself sick again. However they weren't done yet, so she went and sat on the bleachers with the other early parents whilst Josh continued to keep the stragglers entertained.

"Alright everyone! Come in!" Jack yelled, so they call crawled off the grass patch and jogged over to the plate he was standing on, Josh holding Lucy's hand. "Did everyone have fun today?"  
"YEAHHHHH"  
"I caaant hear youuu," he sang.  
"YYYYEEEEAAAHHHH!!!"  
"Haha, there we have it. But you know what I think would make it a bit better? End on a high note?"  
"JOSH THROW JOSH THROW JOSH THROW!" They all chanted, and he smiled because at the end of the session they always got him to chuck a ball as far as he could. To him it didn't seem that special, but to the little ones it was like watching Jesus rise again.

"And I thought, you know, since it's so hot today, maybe we could make this a little special?" Jack said mysteriously, and then Luke emerged from the office and ran over to place a water balloon in the head coach's hand, and honestly Josh didn't have a clue what they were about to make him do. The mischievous smirk on Luke's face only added to the curiosity and Josh was excited.

"Now, can anyone see where Luke has hidden another water balloon?"  
"There!!" Malik pointed to the flood light pole on one side of the pitch that had an extended bar sticking out of it, and, sure enough, there was a water balloon hanging from it.  
"When did you even put that there? And how?!" Josh laughed.  
"I'm part monkey." Luke said then pulled a funny face and all the kids laughed.  
"So what do we reckon guys? Should we get Josh to burst the balloon with a ball?"  
"Yeah!!!!"  
"And where do we think he should stand? Should he stand there?"  
"No!!"  
"How about there?"  
"Noooo!"  
"How about all the way over by your Mommy and Daddys?"  
"Yeahhh!!!" They all cheered, so Josh shook his head with a sigh then took the ball that Jack extended towards him, and rolled his eyes when the man mouthed good luck.

He jogged quickly back over to the parents and loosened his arm up as he ran, preparing to make the shot which was only maybe 230 250ft, however accuracy was gonna be key here. All the kids would be able to tell whether the water had burst or not.

"Dance monkey, dance." Debby grinned from the stands and he smirked then blew her a kiss before going back to focussing on the tiny red dot in the distance. He wound up and, with a final glance, threw the ball with as much power and accuracy as he could muster. Sure enough it swooped through the blue sky and connected with the balloon, showering the ground beneath with water whilst Josh was showered with whoops and cheers and shrieks of delight. He freaking loved baseball.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Thursday morning, Josh's regular 2 hour session had cancelled last minute and he didn't have time to book anyone new, so he had the morning off. Jenna didn't have any classes before Tyler's shift, so the couple had gone for breakfast together and Josh decided to tag along with Debby and go to her tattoo parlour.

Her parlour was almost as cool as she was. All the walls were white, par one which was bare brick, and they were all decorated with amazingly random items that were still tasteful. A carnival light bulb letter, half a dozen odd vintage clocks that told the wrong time, grandly framed wallpaper cuttings, a wooden carved mask, too many mirrors to count, featured artwork by the studio's artists both in frames and directly onto the wall, gears and grinds, an in depth full scale diagram of the interior of a human, there was even a bicycle up on one wall. Quite frankly it had all been a nightmare for Josh to hang, but Debby had done her fair share too and he was happy to help her vision and her dream come to life.

There were 4 artists working there total including Debby, and she was the only woman. The other 3 guys were called Henk, Sailor and Booth, all of which were nicknames that their origins Josh had no idea of. However other than that he knew them all very well, and considered them friends. He'd gone out with them a couple of times and Debby adored them, and he completely trusted her instincts and judge of character for employees. In short he was a fan.

"Oi, handsome." Debby called from the front desk and all of their heads shot up to look at her. "Aww, you all looked, yay for self confidence. But J I meant you, get your ass over here."  
"Yes Ma'am." He saluted, standing up from where he was sat at Sailor's work bench watching him draw up a design for a client who was yet to arrive, and instead joining her on the seat behind the desk at the entrance.

"What do you think of this?" She asked, holding up a drawing on parchment paper. The centre feature was words that he couldn't read which were written out in beautiful calligraphy then surrounded by swooping line patterns and gradually linked to a beautifully realistic kingfisher bird on the bottom of one side.  
"What does it say?"  
"Nope no questions, first impressions only, go."  
"It's stunning Debby, all your work always is."  
"Constructive criticism, come on, tell me something I can make better."  
"Only if you tell me what it says."  
"I will if you tell me what's wrong with it visually as opposed to the meaning."  
"There's nothing wrong with it, hmmm, I guess maybe the lines are a bit busy up here? Like maybe you don't need that extra loop there?"  
"Oh yeah, fair enough." She agreed and began correcting it. "Thanks babe."  
"S'alright, now your end of the deal."  
"It just says: the moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it."  
"Aw that's sweet."  
"It's from Peter Pan."

"Who's it for?"  
"You. Whack it straight in the forehead I reckon."  
"But you know my Star Trek tat is my number one priority." He laughed and she kissed him quickly.  
"Nah it's for my next client." She laughed and she tucked her hair behind her ear then held the corrected sketch up and he gave it the thumbs up.

"You wanna grab some dinner together later?"  
"Is that your way of asking me on a date?"  
"Oh wonderful beautiful precious angel princess Debby, could you please bless me with the honour of your presence at a food consummation this evening?"  
"Food consummation?" She snorted as she laughed, the way Josh adored, then ran her fingers through his hair playfully. "Sorry, can't tonight, I'm going to a pottery throwing class."  
"Didn't you go last night?"  
"Nope, that was a ceramics class."  
"Oh of course, they're sooo different," he laughed.  
"I'll have you know they are actually mister," Debby replied, distracted as she reached for her phone that had buzzed on the counter.

"Oh shit."  
"What? What is it? Ty?"  
"Jenna." She muttered as she speed typed a reply then hurriedly rushed to collect all her sketches together and shove them in a file.  
"What's going on?"  
"We gotta go - Booth, can you cover for me today?"  
"Yeah course, what sessions have you got?"  
"Josie was coming in for this kingfisher tat but she's a regular and I can stall, um, there's a guy coming in for the name of his daughter at 12? Can you do that?"  
"Yep."  
"I'll just have to cancel my 3 o clock, she wanted a portrait, but you've got everything under control?"  
"Yeh don't worry." Booth nodded, so Debby finished stashing her stuff then grabbed Josh by the hand and practically pulled him out of the parlour and down the street towards her car.

"Debby tell me what's going on."  
"Jenna's uncle just died, her family want her to go Chicago to be with them, she thinks she has to stay with Ty, Ty's freaking out." She explained hurriedly as they climbed into her Beatle.

 

 

"We're here!" Debby announced loudly as she pushed the door open with her hip after unlocking it. Josh rushed straight past her and into the living room, anxious to see what sort of state his best friend would be in.

"Thanks for coming so quickly," Jenna murmured, tears running down her cheeks which was nothing compared to Tyler sobbing and having a panic attack against her chest.  
"Of course. Ty sweetie, can you give Josh a hug so that I can give Jen a hug?"  
"Come on guys, I'm here." Josh sighed, sitting next to them on the couch.  
"NO!" They wept.  
"Andrew please." Jenna whispered tearfully, stroking their hair.  
"NO!"

"Come on Drew, it's me, it's your best mate, come give me a hug and give Jenna a break."  
"NO! She, she she's gonna leave! SHE HAS TO STAY! WE NEED HER!"  
"Andrew, Andrew listen to me." Josh tried to calm them down as Jenna cried. "I promise that I'll look after you,"  
"We both will." Debby backed him up.  
"Yeah, we're both going to make sure that all of you are okay, but Jenna has to be with her family now."  
"I'm sorry baby," she squeaked.  
"No, no don't apologise Jen, you need to do this, to grieve together, don't apologise." Josh's girlfriend reassured her best friend.

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE US!"  
"Andrew I know you're trying to protect Tyler and the rest of the system, but they're not in danger, there's nothing to protect them from. I promise you're all safe, we're gonna have fun together Drew I promise, it's gonna be just like when we lived together in high school. Playing MarioKart, eating TacoBell for breakfast, having fun. You're gonna be safe I promise."  
"And, and I'll call everyday I promise, 5 times a day everyday," Jenna sniffed but Andrew's hysterics didn't let up.

"Come on Andrew, it's time for Jenna to go, it's a long drive to Chicago, she needs to get going." Debby encouraged them gently.  
"Y-y-you h-ha-ate u-us,"  
"I don't hate you Cassie, I love you baby, I love you so much," Jenna told them tearfully.  
"Why won't you stay and play cars with me?" They cried with a pouty bottom lip.  
"I'm sorry James,"  
"You better fucking stay here, don't make me fucking force you, you fucking bi-"  
"Michael that's not going to work, stop it right this instance." Josh intervened.  
"Please, please Jenna, we can take care of you if you stay home."  
"Willow no, I have to go, be with my parents, my cousins." Jenna said to the rapidly switching system.  
"Pwease Jen-Jen,"  
"Lilly please, please stop switching, just hand over to Tyler then stop. It doesn't matter who's fronting, I need to go guys. I'm sorry, okay? None of you are gonna convince me, and I'm sorry but it's true. It's not anything to do with not liking you or not wanting to be here, I, I just need to see my family and be with my family."  
"And that's okay." Debby reassured her.

"It's a 5 hour 40 minute drive with this traffic, should set off immediately. Gas is $2.62 a gallon on the corner, your car's 23 miles to the gallon so you'll need 26 for the 367 mile journey which is going to cost $68.12."  
"Johnny, Johnny," Josh stood up and chased after them as they stormed out of the living room and left Jenna to sob in Debby's arms.

"Leave us alone Joshua." They growled as he followed them into their bedroom and closed the door behind them as Johnny sat on the bed, legs bouncing.  
"Please don't call me that," he winced. "Come on, come say goodbye to Jenna. I know you're gonna miss her-"  
"Won't."  
"Yes you will Johnny, I know you're not the best at emotions but it's not fair on the others if you don't let them get a proper goodbye."  
"I'm the best at everything!"  
"Johnny come on, let Ty front and say goodbye to his girlfriend. She's upset-"  
"Don't care."  
"She's upset because her uncle died but also because she doesn't want to leave you guys. This is just as hard for her as it is for you."  
"It's not hard for us."  
"Johnny," Josh sighed as he watched his friend. "Please, don't do something you'll regret."  
"She wants to go! She should just fucking go! We don't care!"

"Baby? Can I c-come in?" Jenna knocked on the door then came in, tears littering her cheeks and Debby waiting at the door beside Josh.  
"Just go Jenna."  
"Please, just give me a minute to talk?" She said, picking up their hands in hers and holding them whilst their legs continued to bounce aggressively. "I know that you're not particularly attached to me, and I also know that you're gonna be completely fine without me, however I also know that you're clever enough to know that the others are scared. And I get it, usually we're a team and I'm leaving them and that's going to be difficult. I also know that Debby and Josh are going to look after them, however if you would like to go and stay with your Mom and Dad then I'm sure they'll take you in with open arms. Would you like that? Stay with Ty's parents? Not because you need them Johnny, but because the others do?"  
"Tyler wants to talk, can he talk?"  
"Of course baby." She nodded, and Debby held Josh's hand as Johnny's legs stopped moving and instead Tyler curled over and began crying into his hands. Jenna bit her lip and sat beside her partner, putting a hand on their back and waiting as they took control of the sobs.

"We know you have to go, we just don't want you to. And, a-and, and we don't want that to stop you leaving, you have to go, we're just really upset about it and we're sorry." Tyler sniffed and Jenna pulled them into a hug.  
"Oh darling, don't be sorry, don't be sorry. I know it's because you love me,"  
"We really really do."  
"And I love you too Ty, every single one of you. I want you to be okay, do you think staying with your Mom is gonna ensure that? It won't be for a long, maybe a week?"  
"Josh?"  
"Yeah bud?"  
"Will you stay with us if we stay here?" They asked tearfully.  
"Absolutely bud, absolutely."

"We wanna stay here."  
"Yeah? Sure?" Jenna checked and they nodded. "Okay, good for you darling, but remember that that's still gonna be an option if you're struggling to stay safe. That's the number 1 priority, keeping you and your body safe."  
"We know. We'll, um, we'll call Mom once you leave, tell her what's going on."  
"So you're okay if I leave?"  
"We will be, we will be."  
"I'm so proud of you." She hummed, planting her lips on their forehead and pressing a kiss to it.

"Do you want us to walk you to your car or something?"  
"I'm going to pack a bag first, but then yeah, that would be lovely thank you baby."  
"Okay, um, well drive safe? And um, and call us when you get there, pass on our love to your family, our condolences too."  
"Thank you darling."  
"We love you,"  
"I love you too."

 

 

Jenna had been gone about 4 hours so it was the middle of the afternoon, and Josh was in the kitchen making a marinade for their dinner whilst Debby was on Tyler-sitting duty. Although their friend was being very brave and doing well to let Jenna go, neither Debby nor Josh trusted them to be alone.

Debby had managed to contact all her clients and cancel for the rest of the day and the day after, and once she was off Ty duty she was going to do the same for Josh and his clients. It was one of the few times when dyslexia still managed to interrupt his day to day life - making and recording bookings. However Debby was always quick to swoop in and serve as his assistant/receptionist for the small price of a kiss or 10.

"Smells good."  
"Almost as good as you look." He winked as Debby walked in. "Tyler okay?"  
"Asleep, bless him. Bless them," she corrected herself, still not completely used to the pronouns. It wasn't a lack of respect or belief or care, just simply wasn't a habit. She'd been told about their system about 18 months ago and been living alongside them for the past 11, and Josh was certain she'd get there eventually. Tyler wasn't overly bothered.

"How about you? How you holding up?"  
"Me?"  
"Yeah, haven't had your weekly panic attack yet baby, it's overdue, you're not getting worked up over the whole situation are you?" She asked, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling their hips together.  
"I'm okay."  
"You're okay?"  
"I'm okay." He nodded, then pecked her on the lips.  
"Is that code for saving up all your panic for a nice big juicy one?"  
"Hell yeah it is." Josh chuckled then kissed her again.

"Oh and before I forget, Jenna wrote out a list of Tyler's meds we need to give them and when, it's up on the fridge."  
"Oh yeah, right, cool; do you know where the actual pills are?" She asked as she read the words which were still simply jumping squiggles to him.  
"Yep, she keeps them out of their room just in case Cassie gets tempted, let me show you." Josh replied, taking her hand and leading the way across to the cupboard in the utility room but stopping as they walked into the living room in the way and saw Tyler staring blankly at the ceiling.

"Deb they're not sleeping, they're dissociating." He explained, letting go of her hand and sitting beside their best friend. "Tyler it's me, it's Josh, don't worry bud, you're safe, I'm here."  
"Nobody's in control?"  
"Yeah."  
"Is there anything I can do?"  
"Um, can you grab us some ice? And one of their littleones' stuffed toys? The rabbit maybe?"  
"Yeh course." She nodded and left to retrieve the items.

"Tyler I'm here, I've got you, I know you're tired and overwhelmed so it's totally natural and understandable for you to blank but we need someone in charge. Debby's gone to get some things, we're gonna try our best to get you back I promise," Josh reassured them, knowing they always panicked after they dissociated. Some days a simple squeeze of the hand and a few soothing words would bring them back, but other times it would take all sorts of different methods and techniques that the best friends had spent years perfecting, and occasionally all they could do was wait.

"Here."  
"Thank you sweetheart, Ty, Debby's got some ice which I'm gonna put on your face, if it's too cold then make any sort of movement and I'll stop." Josh informed them as he picked a couple of cubes out of the glass she had handed them, then wrapped them in the cloth and held them against Tyler's forehead. Usually a physical shock would remind them that they had a body that needed to be cared for, but they didn't seem to acknowledge the cold sensation. Nevertheless Josh was persistent, holding it for a minute then moving to another area and holding it another minute. But soon the cubes began to melt and he had to face up to the fact that it wasn't working.

"Nah, that's enough of that Ty, I'm gonna stop."  
"But I've got Lilly's bunny, do you want that instead?" Debby offered as she passed it to Josh.  
"Let's try bunny." He agreed, placing the toy in Tyler's hands and watching as the system slowly started to stroke the soft fur with their thumb a little, all whilst staring at nothing.  
"Good job guys,"  
"Yeah that's really good, well done, keep stroking." Josh encouraged them, then flashed Debby a small appreciative smile. "And do you want MTV on in the background again?" He asked and Tyler managed the smallest of nods. Debby reached for the remote and put the channel on whilst Josh wrapped his arm around Tyler's shoulders, and after a few seconds the younger slowly turned in so that they were snuggling into Josh's side, head on his chest.

"You're okay, take as long as you need to come back all the way, you're okay."

 

 

  
"Mmm, J, it's 2 in the mornin, where'a y'going?" Debby yawned as Josh tried and failed to sneak out of their bed without waking her.  
"Just gonna check on Ty,"  
"Di you hear somethin?"  
"No, they're probably sleep, but better safe than sorry. You go back to sleep beautiful, I'll only be a minute." Josh said and she didn't need to be told twice. He smiled then crept out of their room and across the apartment to the room that Tyler and Jenna shared.

He pushed the door open gently, not wanting to knock and startle them awake, then saw Tyler sat on the floor doing something. As his eyes became more accustomed to the dim glow coming from their littleones' nightlight, he saw that they were doing a jigsaw puzzle. But upon closer inspection, Josh noticed that they were trying and failing to combine the bigger pieces of Lilly's princess puzzle with the tiny pieces of Johnny's train puzzle into one big picture.

"Don't creep up like that!" They suddenly gasped.  
"Sorry, sorry, I just wanted to check everything was okay, what are you doing?" Josh asked quietly as he sat beside them on the floor and looked at the mess of pieces on the wooden laminate floor.  
"Puzzles."  
"Two in one? They don't work like that bud,"  
"We know, it's just,"  
"Just what?"  
"I don't know who I am." They said and Josh gave them space to continue. "I thought maybe if I tried lots of different things that we like, it would click, but it hasn't."  
"Do you think you're somebody new?"  
"N-no, no, not new."  
"Well it's okay that you don't know, it's nothing to worry about. You've had a long emotional day, it's alright you're all feeling a bit drained and mixed up. It's happened before, hasn't it? After some rest, hopefully some sleep, things'll settle again." Josh reassured them.  
"Mmm,"

"Did you fill out your fronting diary for Dr Andrews today?"  
"We tried."  
"Debby can help you finish it at breakfast if you need some more support."  
"Yeh, maybe, thanks,"

"You doing okay?"  
"Missing Jenna." They sighed, picking up a piece of Lilly's puzzle and playing with it between their fingers.  
"I'm sure she's missing you too guys, but every hour that passes is another hour closer to her coming home."  
"This is the first time we've slept alone in 5 years ago."  
"Oh wow, has it really been that long?" Josh smiled.  
"Yep. You and Tyler were both 17 when we got those bunk beds, lived together for a year, moved in here and you stayed in our room for the first month to watch out for us, then Jenna's been with us ever since."  
"Oh yeah, me sleeping on that toy chest thing for a month, highlight of my life." He laughed.

"But you know, if you'd feel safer with me staying in here again whilst Jenna's out of town then I'm more than happy to do so."  
"You'd do that?"  
"Course."  
"What about Debby?"  
"I'm sure Debby will be just fine." Josh reassured them. "Did you know she's a fifth Dan black belt in karate?"  
"Course she is," they laughed quietly.  
"There's literally nothing she can't do. I'm sure she'll be okay if I crash in here with you."  
"Thanks Josh."  
"Anything for you, mystery man." He smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

Josh's neck was cricked when he woke up after a night on the couch in Tyler's room. Technically it was a couch, but in reality it was the thick cushioned top of a fancy wooden storage chest that contained all of their toys and it was not designed for sleeping on. However Josh was more than happy to do it, knowing Tyler needed supervising but couldn't handle a bigger man in their bed when they were struggling.

He sat up with a yawn, hand instinctively moving up to rub his neck, and looked up for Tyler. Rather than sleeping in the double bed, the system was meditating on the floor on Jenna's yoga mat peacefully. Josh loved it when they meditated, when they did something calming and relaxing to take care of themselves, and it made him smile.

"Good morning, did you sleep well JJ?" They smiled warmly.  
"Very well thank you Willow." He lied but didn't see the point in moaning about the uncomfortable conditions because the caring alter would insist he moved back in with Debby and then they wouldn't get the support they needed. "How did you sleep?"  
"Oh much better with your company, thank you for that, we really really appreciate it. You're such a kindhearted and generous soul."  
"Thank you,"  
"We made you a coffee, we put it in your favourite cup down there beside you and the rest of the French press is saved in the kitchen if you need a top up."   
"Oh thanks Willow, you're a star." Josh grinned happily as he picked up the drink and sipped it, perfect.

"Debby's awake too, she's just popped down to the store and we asked her to pick up those new double thick Oreos that you like."  
"You did? Aw Wills, you do spoil me."  
"Just a small thank you." They shrugged, still sat on the yoga mat crossed legged.   
"Did she give you your meds?"  
"She did thank you, she did, she took great care of us, you've both looked after us so so well, thank you so much, we hope you're not wearing you out."  
"No of course not."   
"Because if you're tired then we can give you a break, go to our Mom's? We don't want you getting tired."  
"Willow it's fine, honest," Josh laughed reassuringly before taking another sip of the delicious coffee.

"Damm, I don't get it, how do you make coffee so much better than I do? It's literally just coffee and water?"  
"You're too flattering." They smiled. "We're more than happy to make you coffee whenever you'd like it, it's nothing in comparison to what you do for us."  
"I'm your friend guys, friends help each other out. You'd do the same for me."  
"Of course we would, we'd do anything for you." Willow answered sweetly.

"You know what Tyler calls coffee? Dirt water."  
"He's a funny guy,"  
"That he is, that he is." Josh agreed. "How is he today?"  
"Tired, missing Jenna, but doing okay."  
"Y'lookin after him for us though Willow?"   
"Absolutely, doing my best."  
"Course you are, didn't even need to ask really." He smiled, then heard the front door of the apartment open and Debby humming happily under her breath.

"Debs! JJ's up!" Willow called out to her loudly but still softly.  
"Thanks for letting me know sweetheart! Morning babe!" Debby called back perfectly, a sound that made him smile giddily.  
"Morning gorgeous!"

"We're done meditating, do you want to go to the kitchen?"   
"Oh don't finish because of me,"  
"No no, honest, we were done, let's go through." Willow smiled then extended their hand towards Josh, who took it willingly then let them lead the way to where Debby was unpacking a paper bag of ingredients. Willow and Josh sat on the bar stools at the island and watched her, Josh still drinking his coffee.

"Heads up." Debby warned then tossed a pack of Oreos at him before moving on to put the orange juice in the door of the fridge.   
"Thanks babe, and thanks again Willow."  
"You're welcome." They grinned, "How much Debs?"  
"Oooh they were expensive." She teased as she got out some weird ingredients that Josh didn't recognise. "Gonna cost you at least 5 hugs?"  
"Hmm, well we've been saving, so we suppose we might be able to pay you back, but can it be in instalments?"  
"As long as the first one is paid upfront."  
"Go on then." Willow chuckled then climbed off the chair elegantly and waltzed round to her side where they were immediately wrapped up by Debby. Josh laughed a little at the tightness of the hug, Willow squeaking and Debby giggling too as if they really were just two gal pals reuniting after months apart. It was moments like this that really reaffirmed in Josh's mind the genuineness of DID, even the ways the alters hugged was different, they really were different people. Even though it looked like Debby was squeezing a young man half to death, it honestly was an older woman. It was real.

"I'm making pa thong ko, how hungry are people?" Debby asked as she tied her hair up messily yet perfectly.  
"Come again?"  
"Pa thong ko? It's like a Thai donut except it's X shaped and a million times better, and I'm making a sweet soy milk dipping sauce, or just normal soy sauce works too?"  
"Where did you learn about this?" Willow asked.  
"Well when I was 12 my family went on a vacation to Thailand, however we were meant to be going on to Vietnam but I was enjoying Thailand so they left me there whilst they continued the tour. It was only like 6 days but I got super bored after the third, so I snuck into the kitchen and watched the staff make stuff. Eventually they saw me and so I became an honourary chef and this was my job." She explained casually.   
"Only you Deborah, only you," they shook their head in disbelief and Josh smiled even though he'd heard that particular story before, she really was the coolest person he'd ever met.

"Tell us something else we don't know about you."  
"Hmmm, well, I have my commercial pilots license, I can fly jumbo jets if I want." She shrugged and Josh laughed at Willow's expression of both awe and shock. "But I don't want right now, right now I wanna know how many pa thong kos you want each."

 

 

 

It had been Josh's suggestion to go to the park after lunch, and Tyler was instantly taken with the idea. They liked the park, nay, they loved it. And by the looks of things on Debby and Josh's faces, they loved it too.

Tyler had settled down onto one of the swings, not really moving enough for the wind to displace their hair and instead keeping the tips of their shoes on the floor so that they were in control. Even 7 years on from the trauma, they still only really felt safe when they were in control. So now? Now was okay they supposed.

They watched Debby and Josh, potentially the most sickeningly in love people they had ever lied eyes on, and they were perfect for each other. At that particular moment in time, they were chasing each other around the grass like a pair of kids, both giggling in delight. Josh was definitely quicker, but damn, Debby definitely surprised them with her sudden bursts of speed. No doubt she had been some sort of warrior sprinter in her past - she was full of surprises and even after living with her for almost a year, they were still uncovering new stories and skills.

Josh had caught Debby and picked her up from behind, twirling her around with strong arms around her waist, triggering her happy squeals that inevitably ended in another makeout session. Tyler was happy for them, so happy, but it did remind them how far away their other half was.

Jenna was perfect. Jenna was kind and Jenna was patient and Jenna was forgiving and soothing and loving and understanding and gentle and caring and so so much better than Tyler deserved. But, for some unknown reason, she was their girlfriend and she loved them. Her being in Chicago, aside from the selfish fact that they were alone, broke their heart because they knew she was hurting. She loved her uncle and losing him would no doubt be causing her unbelievable pain that Tyler could do nothing to end. Whenever they were upset, Jenna would make it better. Why couldn't they do the same for her?

"You holding up okay?" They looked up to see Josh ask, the yellow haired guy leaning against the frame of the swing set.  
"Yeh,"  
"Yeh and yeah are very different, need to talk about something?"  
"Just Jenna stuff, don't worry,"  
"I always worry. Is there anything I can do?"  
"What time is it?"  
"1.45, so 12.45 in Chicago." Josh replied. "Call her."  
"S'fine, if she wanted to talk then she'd call."  
"Maybe she's sat next to her phone thinking exactly the same thing."  
"She's probably busy."  
"In which case you can leave a message and call back later, it's not the end of the world. I reckon it's worth a shot though Ty. I think she needs you right now."  
"Us? What can we do?" Tyler scoffed.  
"She loves you, you're her significant others, just hearing your voice is gonna help I promise. No, you can't bring her uncle back, but you're not useless." Josh reassured them, then began walking back to Debby slowly. "I'm gonna have a backflip competition with Debs, you're gonna call Jenna."  
"Yes sir," they whispered then sighed. Josh was right, he was always right.

They reached into their skinny jeans and pulled out their iPhone, smiling sadly at the photo of them and Jenna on holiday together earlier that year on the beach. Tyler forced themselves to swipe and unlock the device, then call her contact and hold the phone to their ear. It took forever to connect, so they watched as Debby whooped Josh's ass at landing a perfect backflip.

"Hello?"  
"Jen? Hey sweetheart, it's Ty, is now a good time?"  
"Course, um, let me just go outside - Mom I'll be back in minute, it's Tyler. I know, yes I know but I want to speak to them! Fine! Whatever." They heard her speak to the people in the room with her and they felt guilty because it obviously wasn't a good time.

"Sorry about that, all good now, how are things?"  
"Things are okay, how are things down your end?"  
"Hectic if I'm honest babe. Mom wants the funeral traditional, Auntie Sue wants it really different, they're finding every little reason to bicker and it's making the house really tense. Plus the kids won't sleep which has got everyone really tired which is making everyone more sensitive. Yeah, s'not great."  
"We're sorry darling, is there anything we can do?"  
"Just wish you were here Ty, with me,"  
"Want us to come? We can get the time off work, we already took yesterday and today off and they were fine about it. We'll come if you want us."  
"I do want you Ty, I want you so much, I just don't think this is a good environment for you. Best keep you somewhere calm, yeah?"  
"Yeah," they sighed.

"And how is home? Calm?"  
"Yesterday was a bit crap if we're honest, kept dissociating or co-fronting and we couldn't keep track of who we were. It was scary, but Josh slept in our room in the end so that was helpful."  
"That sucks, I'm sorry angel, did you try your grounding techniques?"  
"Yeh, didn't work,"  
"Well I'm proud of you for trying, and I'm happy you've got Josh. Is he gonna stay with you tonight too?"  
"Yep,"  
"Good, well done for letting him."  
"Thanks sweetheart." Tyler smiled as he watched Josh fall on his butt and Debby jump on him playfully, then they began rolling and kissing like the idiots they were.

"How about today? So far so good?"  
"Yeh, it's been better, Willow was out this morning and now it's me and we're at the park with Jebby."  
"Park, hmm, does that mean they're currently playing kiss chase?"  
"Nope, that's done, now they're playing let's make a baby on the grass."   
"PDA, gross." She laughed. "And after the park are you going to see Dr Andrews? It's your appointment today."   
"Yeah, that's next on the list."

 

 

  
Dr Andrews wasn't their therapist, her name was Louise and they saw her on Mondays, he was the DID specialist that Josh paid for them to see once a month. The appointments were less an opportunity to discuss and explore recent events or thoughts, and more a practical medical appointment to resolve issues and find coping strategies for DID specific concerns.

That month the task they'd been set had been a fronting diary, a place to record every switch and its details including triggers and length. They held the leather journal between their fingers and waited in the aptly name room whilst waiting for the elderly man to come and get them.

"Alright you're up champ," he smiled and Tyler followed. "Can I get you a drink or anything?"  
"No thanks," they answered as they walked the corridor of the psych hospital before finally reaching the familiar office. Dr Andrews took his place in his grand comfy chair behind his desk and Tyler settled into the chair opposite, not giving the lavish decorations a second glance. Josh really did pay for the best.

"So, who am I looking at?"  
"Tyler."  
"Tyler, oh hello, I always like talking to hosts. How are you?"  
"Bit shaky, but yeh, I'm alright."  
"Shaky?"  
"Jenna's out of town." They explained briefly.  
"Ah okay, are you back in with Mom? Being looked after?"  
"Roommates."  
"Josh and Debby if I remember correctly?"  
"Yeh,"

"Feeling nervous Ty? You're not quite yourself."  
"Just, um, yeah just nervous about this whole fronting diary thing." Tyler admitted honestly, then placed the book in his open hands. "I thought we were pretty stable but actually seeing it all written down, we switch like half a dozen times every single day."  
"Tyler do you know how many emotions exist? Have been scientifically recorded?"  
"Um, no,"  
"Take a guess, doesn't matter if you're wrong. Actually it helps my point if you're wrong." The doctor smiled.  
"Like 40?"  
"154. There are 154, and yes, your way of feeling drastically different emotions involves switching, however 6 switches compared to the fact there are 154 possibles that could all be felt multiple times - it's not a lot Ty, you're doing well."  
"Thank you," they replied as he began reading the book. It seemed to drag on forever, the man's forehead frowned and furrowed as he read, occasionally sighing as he read the details. Meanwhile Tyler tried to stay calm, pulled at hangnails and chewed on the inside of their mouth, scared for the judgement to finally be delivered. Maybe the doctor would decree them lunatics and exile them, maybe he'd find a serious problem with the system, maybe he'd laugh.

"Remind me, who came first? Johnny or James?"  
"James."  
"Hmmm, right," he hummed as he continued to flick and read, and Tyler continued to imagine every single worst outcome, no matter how unrealistic. It was torture, having this man read every intricate detail of their system over the past 28 days, knowing every little trigger and reaction, no doubt judging them for it.

"Well, thank you for doing that for me, it's very insightful."  
"S'okay," they took the book back from him.   
"When you first came to me, you had 3 definite stronger alters and 3 definite back seat alters, Tyler Johnny and Andrew being the leaders. I think that's changed, and not just because you've got 3 more alters, what do you think?"  
"Yeah definitely." Tyler agreed. "I wouldn't say we have stronger and weaker alters anymore, it's a pretty level playing field. Andrew doesn't come out that much really, and James is my go to guy when I'm bored. He's so easily entertained, it's a nice change, and it doesn't need to be completely calm waters for him to front."  
"Do you think that's because in general you feel safer?"  
"Yeah I think so. I don't need Andrew's protection as much, I don't feel as on edge anymore, those weaker sides feel more confident having a go at fronting and I trust them."  
"Mmm," he listened whilst stroking his chin casually.

"And yet, I don't think each alter gets an equal share of fronting time."  
"No," Tyler shook their head. "I get the most,"  
"Which two get the least then?" He asked the question he already knew the answer to.  
"Michael and Blurryface."  
"Your two negative alters."  
"Yeah,"  
"Why do you think that is? Whose decision?"  
"All of ours, well all except them, we work together to keep them away from fronting as much as possible."  
"Does that make them weaker?"  
"Not really."

"Do you still hear them? Are they still present in the system or are they dormant?"  
"Still very very present internally, give us pretty horrendous abuse actually."  
"Is there anything you can do to soothe them?"  
"Not really, nothing other than let them front, and obviously we're not gonna do that."  
"Obviously? Why obviously?" Dr Andrews asked.  
"They hurt people. Michael, he's angry and cruel and a bully, and Blurry's an attempted murderer."  
"But they hurt you by staying abusive internally, does that not come into it?"  
"No, no not at all. I'd rather deal with them than force them onto other people."  
"So you wouldn't be open to this month's task being letting them have weekly outings?"  
"Absolutely not, no way."  
"Even if it ends the, quote, horrendous abuse?"  
"Dr Andrews, they're horrible people, they're truly horrible people. Blur has literally tried to kill people before, he has taken a knife and lunged towards other human beings with the full intent of murdering them. He has a bloodlust, he wants to kill, at least internally he can't actually do that. I'm not unleashing a killer into the world."  
"And Michael?"  
"Michael is just like the Michael who caused us to develop this condition in the first place and we're not going to let him do it to anyone else. If he's in control then that means he's entirely in control, so what if he does what Michael did? What if he hurts someone else, he, he violates someone else." Tyler tried and failed to say calmly. "It's so much easier to deal with his bombardment of hatred than to give him control and then potentially have to face up to the fact that we are just as bad as the real Michael."  
"You think he'd rape someone? Is that what you're saying Tyler?"  
"Yes."


	5. Chapter 5

Again Josh had slept in Tyler's room and again Debby was making them breakfast, and again the other roommates were sat on the stools watching and not helping as she cooked up some foreign concoction that would no doubt blow their minds.

He missed sleeping with Debby in both senses of the phrase, however didn't even let himself consider moving back because he knew Ty needed him. After Dr Andrews Tyler had been low, not hysterical or switchy, just low. Josh knew better than to ask what had happened during their appointment, and also knew better than to leave them alone to wallow in the thoughts. Thankfully a good night's sleep had done Tyler a favour and they were back to their normal relaxed self.

Debby was whisking together a variety of bizarre ingredients whilst wearing Josh's old Weston baseball shirt. He never wore them, he couldn't, but the memories weren't quite so painful when they were brightened by the most beautiful person he'd ever laid eyes on. She made it easier to cope, to cope with the memories of Weston, with memories full stop, with everything.

"Oop, it's Jenna," Tyler announced just milliseconds after their phone began to ring. They raised it to their ear and left Josh alone with Debby, and he could no longer resist the urge to stand behind her and wrap his arms around her dainty waist, which caused her to giggle then turn over her shoulder and kiss him on the lips.

"If I spill this then it's your fault." She warned playfully as continued to try and whisk whilst he cuddled her.  
"Stop then, stop and kiss me you beautiful beautiful lady." He said and she dropped the whisk and twizzled to face him, wrapping her arms around his neck and grinning as he pressed his lips against hers again.

"I, love, you," he told her between kisses.  
"Well that's lucky," she smirked as she kissed him back. "Love, you, too,"  
"Will you marry me?"  
"Babies first." She replied the way she always replied.  
"We basically already have a baby, technically 9 babies, come on you know I make a good papa, just be my wife,"  
"Ty's not my baby, I want my own little baby,"  
"But they smell."  
"You smell."

"What are we gonna call our newborn then?" Josh asked as they swayed slowly in each other's arms.   
"Jamie."  
"Jamie?"  
"Yeah, s'gender neutral, modern, plus Jamie Chung is potentially the most gorgeous woman on the planet."  
"Second to you." He smiled. "How about Cameron?"  
"Nah, too reminiscent of Cameron Diaz."  
"I don't get what you have against her."  
"She's just always in your face, she's so bloody annoying. I remember hearing about how she broke her nose while surfing two years ago. That was the happiest day of my life."  
"What about the day you met me?" Josh laughed.  
"Sorry babe, you're only second best." She teased proudly.

"I like Harley, what do you think of that?"   
"S'cute for a girl." She thought. "I like Noah for a girl too."  
"Bit religious for you isn't it?"  
"Doesn't have to be, she can make it her own."  
"Yeah, good, I like Noah too. How about boys?"  
"Hmm, I dunno actually,"  
"Leopold." Josh chose.  
"There goes your posh side again babe, creeping up, no normal kid is called Leopold." She chuckled, then turned to see Tyler walk back in with a smile on their face.

"Ty, what should we call our baby boy?"  
"You're pregnant?" They said shocked.  
"Nope not yet, just plotting." She reassured them. "Baby boy, first thing you think of, go."  
"Harry."  
"Harry, aw, I like it."  
"Me too." Josh agreed, still hugging her.

"How do you come up with your names? For your alters?"   
"Dunno really, we don't come up with them, we just discover them."  
"When Lilly first arrived we spent the first week bouncing names off each other from 6 in the morning till 11 at night before eventually it finally clicked." Josh reminisced.   
"Our mom's a teacher and she gave us all her registers to read through to see if any fit, and Josh took us to his little league team to see whether any of the kids had the right name, but nope, took forever."   
"How did you finally find Lilly as a name?"  
"There was a novel in the library, called The Secret life of Bees, main character's name." They explained as they sipped their water.  
"Aw that's sweet." She smiled.

"And actually, speaking of little league, Ty and I are planning on coming to watch the game later."  
"You are? Aw thanks guys, that'll be awesome."  
"Debby's been teaching us some cheer moves." Tyler laughed.  
"Well I look forward to seeing them."

 

  
Almost the entire team had arrived and were getting ready with Jack by the pitch, and Josh had settled Debby and Tyler down on the stands with the other spectators that entirely consisted of parents. He had quickly popped into the office to wait for the last stragglers and then he'd be off to proudly watch his littleones play.

He heard the door open in the lobby of the small office/staff room/kit room, and looked up from behind the desk to see a small happy boy entering with a blonde woman not fair behind. Josh didn't recognise the child but still greeted him and his mother with a smile.  
"Hello,"  
"Hi there, am I right in thinking this is the baseball field for the Cubs little league team?" The woman asked.  
"Absolutely, how can I help?"  
"Well a couple of the boys in my son's class play here and he was wondering about maybe signing up too, so we thought we'd come and watch the game today to see whether he wants to. Would that be okay?"   
"Of course, that would be a great motivation for the team to play extra well today. What's your name dude?" He asked the child.  
"Josh."   
"Josh? Wow! That's the coolest name ever! It's my name too!"  
"Cool," the kid grinned.  
"And how old are you Josh?"  
"4," he said proudly, holding up that many fingers.   
"When I was your age, I was 4 too." Josh joked and he sniggered adorable. "Mom, sorry, what's your name?"  
"Emma,"  
"Lovely to meet you Emma, you're more than welcome to watch today, and then if you wanna come and play with your friends one day for a trial littleman then that's okay too."

"Sorry about that, sorry, couldn't close the damn trunk," a man explained apologetically as he joined them carrying a picnic blanket, and Josh was shocked when they made eye contact. "Hey there bud, remember little old me?"  
"Jesus Christ Joel." He gasped and immediately stood up from behind the desk and rushed to wrap his arms around the old chef, hugging him so tight that he dropped the blanket. After years, half an entire decade, they were finally reunited and Josh couldn't believe this was real. No, it couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening.

"Daddy? Daddy I wanna go and find Bryce."  
"Sorry, we can go find Bryce, but look Josh, this is Daddy's old friend, this is the guy you're named after." Joel let go and crouched to tell his son and Josh swore he was about to cry, Joel was right there and he had a kid and he'd freaking named him after him.  
"Oh,"  
"Josh, say hello to Josh senior."  
"Hello again." The beaming kid waved.   
"Hey, I'm your Daddy's friend, and one day I might be your coach too? Would you like that?" Josh tried to say steadily but was overcome with emotion, and the kid nodded oblivious. "Did you say Bryce was your friend? Because I can show you where he is if you'd like."  
"Yes!"  
"Josh." Emma warned.  
"Yes please!" The youngster corrected himself, then took hold of Josh senior's hand and let him show the family out of the office and towards the game area, all whilst holding back tears.

The child was tiny and Josh's steps had to be halved in distance and speed as they slowly made their way along the field, but once Josh junior caught sight of his friend he instantly sprinted off to hug him. Emma laughed then patted Joel on the shoulder and took the picnic blanket.   
"Gimme that, I'll watch him then I'll go sit over there, you too take all the time you need to catch up."  
"Thanks darling," Joel smiled then kissed her on the cheek, leaving just the old friends stood together on the verge of tears.

"I'm so pleased you're here, I've missed you so much. How did you find me?" Josh asked as they sat on a bench.  
"Josh junior told us a story that a kid in his class told him about a guy at a baseball club with bright coloured hair who could pop a water balloon with a ball from a million miles away. Who else could it be?" Joel replied. "I spent so long looking for you, honestly I was grasping at anything, and that was a breakthrough at long last, and yeah, here I am."  
"Here you are, with your kid. Jesus you've got a kid Joel."  
"I know, scary right?"  
"And, a-and you named him after me?"  
"Course, you're everything I hope he will be. Inspired, enthusiastic, honest, brave, kind, generous, I could go on."   
"I've missed you," Josh sighed emotionally and Joel pulled him into another quick hug.   
"Missed you too champ."

"So go on, how was it? The world tour."   
"It was amazing, honestly awe inspiring, however we never got to finish it because a certain somebody came along half way through the trip." Joel smiled. "We were 12 months in before we left because Emma was 7 months pregnant, and we've been in Ohio ever since."  
"Columbus? Or Cleveland."  
"Moved here, we're about 30 miles away? Downtown."  
"We're practically neighbours then, I'm 5 miles North."   
"And yet we've never bumped into each other, s'crazy, completely crazy." He shook his head and Josh agreed.

"Where are you working? With the Duns?"  
"Nah, the private chef gig isn't really for me anymore, I'm working in a restaurant called Paradou now. Fine dining, embracing my French side."   
"Dude no way, I was literally there on a date last Monday."  
"That's mad," Joel laughed. "But date hey? You're going on dates? Good for you man."   
"Step up from that, I'm in love Joel."  
"Oh wow, so go on, what's his name?"  
"His? Why do you assume they're a guy?" Josh laughed.  
"I dunno man, I just, I dunno," Joel shrugged and Josh laughed more.  
"No, she's a girl, although I did get hit on by a guy at work last month, but yeah she's a girl, name's Debby, she's sat up there." He pointed to where his girlfriend was sat with Tyler, smiling and talking to them, oblivious to Josh's actions.

"Debby hey? She's stunning."  
"She really is. We met about 2 years ago and we live together now."  
"Wow, that's, wow Josh, I mean congratulations dude."  
"Thanks man,"  
"That's amazing, I'm so proud of you." He smiled genuinely and Josh blushed. "You've grown up so much,"  
"Thank you,"

"And work? What do you do? Teach here?"  
"This is voluntary, but yeah I do the little kids group on a Wednesday and then the games every Saturday. As for employment, I've got two jobs actually, I'm a private personal trainer and I'm also a florist."  
"Trainer, would've guessed, but florist? Wow, that's a bit of a surprise."  
"Surprised me too actually, but I adore it. It's a long story but my roommate's mom actually got me into it and now I work in a store part time."  
"That's awesome, I'm happy for you man."  
"I'm happy too." Josh smiled honestly.

"So you've got a roommate then? As well as Debby?"  
"Yeah, there's Debs and me and then Tyler and Jenna who are dating too."  
"So your apartment is basically just a big sex pit basically."  
"Basically." The younger laughed. "But I love them all like family."  
"Speaking of family,"  
"Here we go,"  
"They were my first port of call when I was looking for you, and let's just say that they weren't the happiest about your name being mentioned."  
"Yep that sounds about right."  
"What happened man?"  
"Eugh, I moved out 5 minutes after you left." Josh told him. "It just, it wasn't good for me, it wasn't healthy, I got really sick and I had to get out of that environment."  
"Sick? Did you start having more seizures again?" Joel asked and he didn't reply, instead simply rolled up his sleeves and showed him the scars that hadn't been covered by the tattoo on his other arm. Most of them were from his episode in the woods, some were from low periods since then, none of them were recent.

"Oh Josh,"  
"I'm better now, so much better, I moved out and moved in with Tyler, and the family looked after me so well. I saw a doctor, got diagnosed with anxiety and depression, got put on some meds that I still take, I still see a therapist, I'm doing well."  
"If I had known then I never would have-"  
"Don't, just don't." Josh interrupted. "It's not your fault, you couldn't have done anything. I just, I had a bad year but in the end it made me realise what was important to me and what was good for me and what I actually wanted from life. It sucked, I mean it fucking sucked, but it made me who I am and changed my life forever. I'm happy now, so in the end it worked out okay."  
"Yeah," Joel nodded but still looked sad.

"Ah, if only my parents knew what I'd become. All those years of baseball training, surmounting to throwing balls at water balloons for kids." Josh chucked, and Joel smiled.  
"Well if it makes you happy,"  
"Exactly, that's what's important."  
"And I'm so sorry about what's happening with your brother, must be so difficult regardless of what's gone down between you."   
"Wait what? What's going on with Jordan?" Josh's stomach immediately dropped and fear pulsed through his body. No matter what had happened in the past or how long it had been since they last saw each other, Jordan was still his brother and he still loved him.

"Oh shit, you don't know?"  
"No, Joel, just tell me."  
"Are you sure you don't wanna ask your parents or s-"  
"Just tell me."  
"I went and saw him in the hospital, he's in bad shape,"  
"Like how bad?"  
"Like might not make it through the year bad."  
"Oh god no, what happened?" Josh cradled his head in his hands.  
"He uh, his heart has been bad for a long time, he's had 4 surgeries since I left, and in the end they decided he needed a transplant. So he was in a clinic, waited for weeks, but eventually he got to the top of the list. He had the transplant, there were no complications during the op, but then once he started coming round again it quickly came apparent that something was up. They ran a bunch of tests and his body was rejecting the heart, so he was given an increased dose of immunosuppressants but didn't respond. And it's been going on and on like that for months, none of the steroids or the immunosuppressants are working. They're saying it might be primary donor dysfunction, but basically the rejection is damaging the heart which has caused coronary heart disease and serious heart failure."  
"So what? So he gets a new transplant?" Josh asked, holding back tears. "He gets a new transplant, please Joel, tell me he's gonna get another shot, please."   
"I'm sorry bud, for whatever reason he's resistant to transplants, the priority has got to go to other people in need."  
"You're saying they're gonna let my baby brother die?" He could no longer hold back the streams that scolded his cheeks.  
"I'm saying it's not looking good."

"I'm sorry, I didn't come here to upset you, I thought you knew, I'm so sorry,"  
"I'm sorry, sorry, my parents should, should have told me, I'm sorry," Josh cried and Joel wrapped his arms around him and held him as he began to even begin to process what he had just been told.

"J baby? Sweetheart what's going on? Should we go for a walk?" He heard Debby say, but couldn't see her because he was buried in Joel's side. "Sir, do you know what happened?"  
"Sorry, my name's Joel, we're old friends."  
"The chef right?"  
"Yeah, and we were reconnecting but then I told him some bad news, I'm sorry,"  
"No no it's okay, J sweetie, calm down, you're gonna give yourself a panic attack, come on, you're okay," Debby hushed him, sitting on his other side. He turned so she was hugging him instead, and let her comforting strokes soothe him a little.

"Sshhh, you're okay baby, s'gonna be okay,"  
"Jordan, he's sick,"  
"With his heart again?"  
"Y-yeh," Josh explained tearfully.   
"Don't worry J, if he's anything like you then he's a fighter, hey, he's a fighter and he's gonna be just fine, you've both just got to be brave."  
"He won't,"  
"Joel, is it terminal?" She asked his friend as he cried.   
"Months not years. Maybe not even that."  
"Oh Josh, shhh, come on angel, I'm so sorry, you're allowed to be upset but you're not allowed to let this turn into a relapse, okay? You've got to be strong for him,"  
"S'not fair," he whimpered.  
"You're right J, it's not fair, it's not fair at all."

"Josh! Game is about to st- oh, oh is everything okay?" Jack jogged over to them and then saw Josh's tears and heard his sobs.  
"My brother's going to die, can I use the office?" Josh asked between gasps.  
"Oh, I'm sorry, um, yeh sure, take all the time you need, no rush." Jack nodded. "I am sorry,"  
"Thank you Jack." Debby answered on Josh's behalf, then stood up and held both of his hands whilst he tried to resist the urge to curl up into a little ball. "Deep breaths, just like Dr Lowe said, deep breaths."  
"Do you want some privacy?" Joel asked nervously.  
"That would be nice, thank you Joel, and can I grab your number too? I'm sure this cheeky chappy is gonna wanna meet up with you once he's feeling better,"  
"Yep course, and likewise." He nodded then pulled out a receipt from his pocket and scribbled a number on it, then passed it to Debby.  
"Thanks Joel."  
"It was good to see you again Josh, really good, and I'm sorry about Jordan. But I'll be watching the game with Josh junior and Emma, so feel free to come and find us if you feel better, or I might see you at practice? Either way, stay in touch."   
"Bye," he managed to squeak.  
"Bye," Joel waved, then went in search of his wife.

"Should we move to the office then angel? And if you need to have a full blown panic attack then you can do that, it's okay, I've got all the time in the world to sit and talk you through it." She stroked his face fondly.  
"Tyler,"  
"Tyler's okay sweetie, don't worry, they're on the phone to Jenna at the moment anyway," Debby reassured him, then helped him to his feet and slowly then began walking him back to the office where only a few minutes ago Josh had been so delighted to be reunited with his childhood best friend and meet the child named after him.

"Here we go baby, shh, you're okay, you're doing so well." She hummed softly as they both sat in the same big chair, her on his lap and wiping his tears as he did his best to calm down. "It's okay to be upset,"  
"What do I do Debby?"  
"There's nothing you can do baby, you can't fix this, I know it's difficult to accept but if there was something to be done then I'm sure the hospital staff would do it. Your parents would make sure of it, wouldn't they?"  
"Yeah," he sighed. "But do I visit? Do I see him? Do I try and make up with him? Make up with my family?"  
"That's a lot of big questions, and ultimately it's your choice. If you decide you do want to then obviously I'll support you every single step of the way, but that's a decision that you have to make for yourself. I don't know the right answer, it's for you to work out."  
"Mmm,"

"We can find out which hospital from your friend, see if we can visit him without your family if you'd like? And, if it comes to it, I promise I'll go to the funeral with you and protect you from your parents." She said, and more tears fell at the mention of a funeral.  
"Why didn't they tell me Debs?"  
"They are probably respecting the fact that you want space."   
"They blame me."   
"No they don't handsome, it's not your fault, you haven't seen him in 5 years."  
"But, but I scared him, gave him a heart attack, started all of this, I killed him,"   
"Josh stop it, okay? Stop it. This is not your fault. He was born with this condition, that's not anybody's fault, don't you dare blame yourself."

"He probably hates me anyway, he's stuck in hospital and I ran away." Josh whispered a minute later.  
"Don't do this to yourself. You made the right decision leaving home, it wasn't good for you."  
"But this is going to kill him! I should have been there for him!"  
"Josh living in that house for a moment longer would have killed you! It already killed your spirit and your confidence and you were trying to kill yourself! You couldn't have been there for him because you wouldn't be there at all baby, please, you're not selfish for staying alive. Jordan is sick and I'm so sorry, but that's not going to be made better by you doing something to hurt yourself; whether that's this mental torture you're already starting to put yourself through, or whether the pain is more literal. Promise me you won't? Promise me that you're going to look after yourself."   
"I promise."


	6. Chapter 6

The Josephs and the Duns claimed to be members of the same faith, however the church Josh began attending with the Josephs was completely different and so much better. Back in Cleveland, church was an opportunity to put on your Sunday bests to boast the latest purchase and showboat your wealth, rather than actually feel the love and power of God.

Despite moving to a different part of Columbus, Josh and Tyler still drove back to the church where Ty's parents attended every Sunday. It was a family community, a loving environment, a nice place to be and exactly where Josh needed to go after hearing the news about his brother.

That previous night Josh was just as grateful for Tyler's company as Tyler was grateful for his.

It still hadn't really sunk in that Josh was going to lose Jordan, and yet he couldn't stop thinking about it. So many questions, so few answers, it was a nightmare. But underneath all the fear and doubt and confusion, there was mostly just sadness. He was sad, genuinely and completely saddened and at a loss as to what to do about it.

Someone had told the pastor about the situation, probably Willow, maybe Tyler, but either way the church joined together to pray for him and Josh couldn't help but tear up again. Tyler was sat by his side and squeezed his hand reassuringly, and Josh just about managed to keep it together.

And now, after the service and whilst drinking crappy coffee with cheap biscuits, Josh stood with Tyler and their parents and tried not to get upset every time someone came up to him with either words of support or a simple hug. It would be better, easier, if Debby was there too, but she wasn't religious and he respected that. And if he was perfectly honest with himself, Debby couldn't fix this either.

"Have you got any idea when she's coming back?" Kelly asked about Jenna as Josh tuned back into the conversation.  
"Funeral's on Tuesday, so most likely Wednesday."  
"But you were fairly close with Colin too weren't you? Don't you want to go to his funeral as well?"  
"She said it's not a good environment for us, best we stay calm."  
"It's very thoughtful of her, but if you guys wanna go then I'll go with you, that way Jenna doesn't have to worry so much?" Their mom offered but they didn't get a chance to reply before Elaine joined the group and pulled Josh into a hug.

"I'll be praying for Jordan and for you,"  
"Thank you Mrs Goldsmith," Josh hugged back, then released her.  
"God has a plan, trust Him,"  
"I will, thank you,"  
"Take care, good to see you all," the elderly woman said, then pottered off.  
"You too Elaine," Kelly waved.

"No thanks Mom, she needs to do this by herself, we've just gotta be patient and wait for her to come back."  
"Well I think you're doing really really well sweetheart, I'm proud of you,"  
"Thanks Mom."  
"How about you Josh? Enjoying finally getting some time with your buds? Like the good old bunk bed days?" Chris asked with a smile.   
"See I said this to Ty the other day, revolutionary idea, bunk beds that are also doubles. Double bunk. Jenna and them on the bottom bed, Debby and me on the top bed, perfect."  
"But then we said-"  
"Please don't." Josh laughed, remembering their conversation.  
"What's that? You mean you don't want to discuss your sex life with us Josh?" Kelly teased and he blushed as Tyler laughed. "But it's our favourite topic too!"  
"Josh might wanna share, however Jen and we actually value our sleep and would prefer not to have to try through an earthqua-"   
"Tyler!"  
"You're glowing darling, glowing." Kelly smiled and Josh wasn't sure whether to laugh or die of embarrassment.

"Did Zack have a good time at the stag do?" Tyler thankfully the moved conversation on.  
"Really good, yeah, he said it was really nice to see all the guys again. And he said the same about having dinner with you lot, he was smiley all evening afterwards."  
"Aw that's nice."  
"Actually he was talking about maybe coming back in 3 weeks? For the weekend? Wanted your opinion."  
"The anniversary." Tyler said to their feet and Josh's heart sunk. He hadn't even thought about it. Last year had been, well, it had been bad to say the least; Tyler thought they'd be able to cope at home with him and Jenna, but after only a few hours, their parents had to be drafted in to help ease the hysteria even a little and even then it was painful.

"We don't have to talk about it here or now, but it's something Zack's offering so just think about that when you can."  
"Tatum?"  
"She's got school, but she's said she'll skip if you want her here too."  
"Mmm,"  
"Best not think about it here though kiddo, don't want you getting upset, another time?" Chris said and Tyler nodded.  
"We'll make a plan Ty, don't worry, this year will be easier I promise." Josh reassured them.

"Josh? Hey, I just wanted to pop by and say I'm so sorry about your little brother, that's so sad," a girl called Amy stopped by the family to see him, and Josh smiled gratefully then let her hug him quickly.  
"Thank you,"  
"Is there anything I can do?"  
"I don't think so, thank you though,"  
"Prayers coming your way."  
"Thank you Amy,"  
"Pass on my love to him,"  
"I will," he replied as she left them again.

"Will you?" Kelly asked.   
"Hmm?"  
"Will you pass on her love? Are you going to go and visit Jordan?"  
"Haven't decided if I'm honest, Debby got in touch with Joel last night and we've got the name of the heart clinic he's in if I decide I'm up to it."  
"How you doing at the moment champ? Things okay or are you having lots of attacks?" Chris inquired after Josh's mental health.  
"Nah I'm alright actually, I was upset yesterday but it's been about 10 days since my last panic attack and that was only a minor one. I'm feeling good."  
"He's doing really really well Dad." Tyler grinned proudly, wrapping his arm around Josh.

 

  
Tyler unlocked the door to their apartment and walked in first but almost immediately stopped, meaning the smile and the half finished sentence fell from Josh's mouth. He looked up to see what they had seen, not bothering to close the door, and realised what exactly had triggered the reaction.

Debby was stood there with bags. Not just a purse or a daybag; 2 duffle bags, a backpack and 2 plastic bags piled up against the couch, and a very full shoulder bag on top of the jacket she was wearing. Despite the fact she was inside, she was dressed like it was the middle of winter, two hoods up, a cap on, boots tied and ready to go, action stations.

"Sweetheart? Are you going somewhere?"  
"Oh, guys, hi," she said a little out of breath, clearly not expecting them back so soon. "Um, yeh, Jenna asked me to go stay with her for a while, help her out."  
"We just spoke 5 minutes ago, she didn't mention anything." Tyler said, just as confused as Josh.  
"No, not that Jenna, a different Jenna, my friend Jenna, she uh, she lives over in Arizona,"  
"This is a lot of stuff for a trip to Arizona baby,"  
"Best to be prepared for anything." She obviously forced a laugh that made Josh's heart pound, what was going on?

"Josh, look," Tyler said quietly, pointing to the walls which were once lined with photographs of all of them, but now all that remained were those rare images without her.  
"You, you took down the pictures?"  
"Wanted some memories of home."  
"I don't understand?"  
"Just a trip, a girl's trip, few nights, don't worry about it." She tried to say convincingly, but Josh took a step forwards and unzipped one of the bags sharply. He didn't care that it was an invasion of privacy, he needed to know what exactly was going on and why on Earth Debby had packed her mother's wedding dress for a trip to see a friend he had never heard of.

"Debby, darling, what the fuck is going on?"  
"Josh I need you to trust me, okay, I, I need to get out of town."   
"Is this it? You're breaking up with me, aren't you, you're leaving." He realised. "Are you fucking kidding me?!"  
"I need you to trust m-"  
"Trust! Are you fucking with me?! I trusted you yesterday, I trusted you when you held me in your arms as I wept because my baby brother is about to die, and you told me you would always be there for me. I trusted you then! I trusted you, and now what? Hey? NOW WHAT?!"  
"Josh please don't shout, it's not like that."  
"Not like that?!?? So tell me, Debby, that means you're not about to fucking leave me?! Hey?!"  
"You don't understand-"  
"DAMN RIGHT I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" He spat in disbelief, anger protecting his vulnerable desires to sob.

"I might come ba-"  
"You MIGHT?? YOU FUCKING WHAT?!" Josh roared, storming past her and marching into their bedroom, tearing the closet open only to find his clothes hanging solo. All her ornaments, her bits and pieces, her, they were gone without a trace. She'd taken everything and Josh would have cried had he not span to see her standing in the doorway tearfully, reigniting the anger in his very bones.

"Josh please, just listen to me,"   
"Why should I listen to you?!"  
"Because I want to explain,"  
"There's no explanation, THERE'S NO EXPLANATION! WE'RE PERFECT TOGETHER!"  
"YES WE ARE!" She shouted back before choking back a sob. "Yes we are J, and I love you,"  
"I love you!"  
"But I have to go,"  
"Why do you have to, WHY?!"  
"I just do, okay baby?"  
"NO! NO! NO NOT OKAY BABY! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF THE BLUE, you can't do this to me,"   
"I really really don't want to, but I have to,"  
"WHY?!"  
"You have to trust me."  
"WELL I DON'T!" He screeched.

"It's not you, it's me."  
"DON'T YOU DARE USE THAT LINE ON ME!"   
"It's true though Josh, you did everything right, this is because of me and what I've done. And I know it doesn't make sense-"   
"NO IT FUCKING DOESN'T! I LOVE YOU! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME TOO!"  
"I do Josh, so much, I love you so much and this is the hardest thing I've ever done."  
"YOU'RE CHOOSING THIS! TO LEAVE ME!"  
"It's not a choice, it's a necessity, I have to do this." She said he scoffed then barged past her and back into the other room where Tyler still stood beside the mound of her possessions. Josh grabbed the first bag and instantly dug his hands deep and tried to pull out as much of her stuff as he could, she couldn't leave, she couldn't leave, she couldn't leave, she couldn't-

"Josh, don't," Tyler said calmly but authoritatively, putting a hand on his shoulder and stopping him from taking out another scoop of clothing.  
"FUCK YOU!" He cried out as Tyler crouched to put the items back in, then zip it up again. "BOTH OF YOU! WORKING TOGETHER!"   
"They didn't know, they don't know, this is just me." Debby said through her tears.  
"KNOW WHAT?!?!"  
"I have to leave town, I have to leave town fast, okay? And I'm sorry, but it's just the way it is."  
"WHY?! WHY IS IT THE WAY IT IS?! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM ME?!"  
"I'M NOT RUNNING FROM YOU! I'M RUNNING FROM  
THEM!" She cried back, raising her hands to her head and pacing a little before building up the courage to face her terrified boyfriend again.

"I know it's funny, I know it's a game, I know people enjoy the stories from my past, but it wasn't all fun and games okay? There were things, bad things, that I got wrapped up in which I never should have got wrapped up in. And I'm sorry Josh, I thought the danger was gone but I was wrong." Debby tried to say steadily as Josh cried. "I don't want you getting wrapped up in it too."  
"Please, please, I'll make it better, just don't go."  
"You can't and I have to." She wiped her nose on her sleeve. "I never wanted to hurt you J, and I'm so sorry, but it's better this way."  
"Nothing can be worse than this, please, you're everything to me, please, don't walk out of that door."  
"Trust me Josh, if this catches up with me then things are going to get far worse. Just promise me that you won't tell anyone I was here and that you'll erase my trail."  
"What?"  
"People might come knocking, plead innocence, don't expose me or yourselves." She said as she put on a backpack and he sobbed harder. "I've already done everything I can think of, deleted Facebook and all social media and all online pictures and physical photos, told the neighbours to plead innocence, changed all the paperwork, phoned the insurance company and the credit card company and the landlord and postal delivery service and the phone company and the bank. As far as the records go, I was never here."

"Is this witness protection?" Tyler asked as she picked up another bag.  
"I'm not a witness and this is outside of the law." She told them as if it wasn't a big deal. "I didn't know this was going to happen but you have to believe me when I say that I'm doing this to protect us all and if there was another option then I'd take it."   
"We believe you."  
"I don't!" Josh said in horror. "There has to be another way! Please Debby, let me help, tell me what's going on."  
"Plausible deniability, I can't baby, it's not safe."   
"Safe from what? From who? Who's after you Debby?"  
"Some very bad people." She replied, finally ready to go with all her bags on her person, and all of Josh's heart under her foot.

"Do you have somewhere safe to go?" Tyler asked.  
"I know a guy, he's hooking me up with a way out of the country, and until then I'm gonna lie low. I know how."  
"Do you need money?"  
"I should be okay for 3, 4 months top. But I'll find a way after that, thank you though Ty."   
"How about medical supplies? We've got a first aid kit you can take."  
"Got my own."  
"Pads?"  
"Sorted."  
"Burner phone? We don't have one but we can get you one if it's safer that way."  
"Again, sorted."  
"Did you tell the guys at your shop to cover for you?"  
"That won't be a problem."  
"Passport?"  
"Guy's working on a fake as we speak."  
"Food and drink to get you through until you're able to get your own?"  
"Got a week's worth of rations."  
"Any protection?"  
"I'm not packing but I don't plan on engaging in any firefights."  
"Pen and paper? Never know when you're gonna need pen and paper."  
"Jesus I'm gonna miss you so much Ty," she sighed, pulling them into a tight hug and squeezing. "You sound like my mom, you know that? Listing everything I need before a slumber party."  
"Well have a good flee from the country sweetie, don't eat too much candy." Tyler played along and Josh felt sick to his stomach. "Gonna miss you too Debby, stay safe okay?"  
"I'll do my best."  
"And when you settle, when things calm down, let us know? Don't get in touch, just send us a blank postcard and we'll know."  
"Okay." She nodded tearfully as she released the hug.

"One more thing? I need you to scrap this for me." Debby handed Tyler the keys to her VW Beatle. "Just park it in front of a fire hydrant then don't collect it from the tow. Should do the trick. Oh and I've already emptied it."  
"Sure?"  
"Sure."  
"Then of course we will." Tyler nodded and slipped the key into their pocket, and Debby turned to face Josh, her huge added weights swinging.

"J, you've gotta-"  
"I haven't got to do anything you tell me to do, I don't even know who the fuck you are." Josh snapped bitterly.  
"You've gotta let Ty look after you, you guys are gonna work together to get through this, just like you always do. You've also gotta keep taking your meds, keep seeing Dr Lowe, keep on track. Keep working too, keep volunteering, keep making those little kids smile. Please Josh, keep being you."   
"I'm nothing without you, please, don't go,"  
"And I promise that every single birthday, no matter how far away I am, I'll sing for you."  
"You'll be right next to me because I'm not letting you leave."  
"Are you going to sing for me too baby?"  
"I'm not letting you leave,"  
"May 13th, that's the date, don't forget."  
"You're not leaving."  
"I have to baby, I have to."  
"You're wrong, you're staying here with me."  
"I wish I could."  
"You can! Just don't walk out of those doors! Don't leave me Debby, please, don't leave me forever,"  
"I'm sorry Josh."

"What about Noah? Noah and Harry? Our little babies? Please Debby, I'll even let you call out firstborn Jamie if you'd like, please, we can do it before we get married, they can be there at the ceremony, little Noah as your bridesmaid and Harry as my best man. Please, that's your future, that's our future, please,"  
"Josh," Tyler said sympathetically.  
"FUCK OFF!" He screamed desperately. "Debby please, you're gonna look so beautiful, and I'll stand at the end of the aisle and I'll try so hard not to look back but I won't be able to help myself because you'll be there in white and your hair will be perfect and you'll be wearing your granny's tiara and everything going to be so perfect, and I'll be crying and you'll be telling me off because I'll make you cry and that will ruin your mascara, and you'll tell me you love me and I'll tell you the same. I'll tuck my shirt in, I'll slow dance, I'll eat whatever crazy cuisine you'd like, just please, don't leave me." He broke down into sobs that Debby couldn't argue with. Josh couldn't help but collapse to a crouch, but she didn't follow him.

"Tyler, watch him, please, watch him."  
"We will. All the best."  
"Josh don't look, keep your eyes covered, don't watch me walk away, just keep them closed, I'm going in 5 okay. 5, 4, 3," she said then the front door shut and Josh wept like never before because she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally goes against the tone of this chapter, but I'm currently writing the FLUFFIEST instalment for Unseen and my heart hurts


	7. Chapter 7

As soon as Tyler felt Josh was safe enough to not be entirely within their concentration, they had called Jenna and she immediately jumped in her car and began driving back. And when they said safe, they meant he had cried and cried until he threw up all over himself and refused to put the shirt on that Tyler gave them to change into, and instead curled up shirtless on the ground and wept silently.

That was exactly the place and position he remained in for the next 6 hours whilst Tyler watched helplessly and chewing the skin of their fingers, until eventually Jenna barged in with tears and confusion being the main theme of her entrance. Tyler had attempted to calm her down but had no answers to offer, and it didn't take long for her to realise that once again she needed to take charge of the situation.

Her solution couldn't actually solve anything, since there was nothing she could do to bring Debby back or calm Josh down, she instead decided that they would take 3 hour shifts watching him and making sure he didn't hurt himself. She insisted that the other went and tried to sleep, but each of Tyler's off shifts throughout the night consisted of staring at the ceiling above them and failing to block out their best friend's desperate sobs.

They'd seen Josh upset. They'd seen him upset so many times before, seen him have panic attacks after panic attacks, seen him moments after self harming, seen him once he'd given up on himself and the world, but this was different. He didn't cry like a man who was broken, he cried like a man who had been shot. This wasn't just emotional turmoil, this was physical pain.

In the early hours of the morning, when Tyler was in bed and struggling to process the emotional rollercoaster which had been the previous day, when they were fighting off exhaustion and fear and Blurry's attempts to front, they also had to work very hard to convince themselves that Josh wasn't being murdered in the front room. Screeches and sobs that they wouldn't be shocked if the police were called due to.

But now daylight had arrived and they'd been blessed with an hour's sleep, and by the sounds of it Josh had also fallen prisoner to slumber at long last. Tyler knew that Jenna was still out there protecting him from himself, and Tyler wanted to go and join her and indulge in her company at long last, but it just seemed too insensitive. Josh had had his love ripped away from him due to reasons that Tyler knew none of them would ever come to know, and the last thing he needed was to have it rubbed in his face. Plus they were too afraid to risk a squeaky floorboard in case it triggered the howls to recommence.

Turns out even the mere thought caused the troubled man to wake.

Shouting could be heard but it was muffled by the early morning buzz of all of Tyler's alters waking up and establishing themselves. Only once they heard a higher pitch voice, Jenna's voice, straining as it shouted back did Tyler find the strength to hear above the noise and realise they needed to hurry and intervene in the argument beginning to form.

"TY FUCKING DRUGGED ME!"   
"No they didn't Josh! I swear they didn't! You were tired sweetheart, you fell asleep, it wasn't anything to do with us-"  
"THERE YOU ARE YOU FUCKING CUNT! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!" Josh made eye contact with Tyler as they entered, and the aggression flaring within his pupils was instantly matched with Michael's and Tyler was scared.

"ANSWER ME!"  
"We don't k-know,"  
"Josh they didn't do anything, you weren't drugged, you just fell asleep." Jenna came to their rescue and held their hand tight.   
"I CAN'T SLEEP!"  
"Well you did, okay darling? And that's a good th-"  
"DON'T FUCKING SPEAK TO ME BITCH!"  
"DON'T SPEAK TO HER LIKE THAT!" Andrew immediately swooped in protectively and instantly Jenna's grip on their hand became tighter as she literally spun them so they were facing each other, and grabbed hold of their other hand and forced eye contact.

"Andrew listen to me. This is safe. Safe space, you're safe. We don't need more aggression. I want Tyler or Willow in control, nobody else, that's a rule and I want you to enforce it, okay?" Jenna knew exactly who should be involved in looking after fragile Josh, and exactly how to get Andrew to stop fronting. Offer him a position of even more power. Tyler resumed fronting and Andrew became chief internal guard.

"Okay, back." Tyler nodded and Jenna let go of one hand so that they could turn back to face Josh with his wild eyes.  
"Josh, w-"  
"FUCK YOU JENNA, FUCK OFF BACK TO CHICAGO, NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE!"   
"We do, we asked her here to look after you Josh."  
"YOU DID THIS TO ME!"  
"We didn't Josh, we didn't, we're sorry but we didn't know she was going to go,"  
"YOU LET HER GO!" Josh screeched emotionally as the tears began again, and so did the sinking in Tyler's stomach.   
"Josh she was going to go whether we kicked up a fuss or not, she-"  
"I HATE YOU!" He screamed as he shoved Tyler back hard, and it took them a moment of breathing and Jenna squeezing tight to remember that no, this wasn't Michael again, this was Josh, it was their best mate, he wasn't going to hurt them, they were okay, they were safe, it's not Michael.

"Josh, don't make this physical, you know full well Tyler will get triggered, don't do this to them." Jenna said calmly and steadily.   
"YOU WEREN'T THERE! TY HELPED HER LEAVE! YOU HELPED HER YOU FUCKING TRAITOR!" Josh cried out and suddenly Tyler was pinned up against the wall and Josh's strong arm was across their chest, pushing pushing pushing. Tyler tried to calm down, tried to breathe, tried to ground but couldn't. It was happening again, they were up against the wall again, held against their will again, it was happening again, they knew what happened next and it was happening again and they couldn't breathe because it was happening again.

"Please Josh, please, please," Jenna was pleading and through the tears Tyler could see her trying and failing to pull the strong force off them. It wasn't working, nothing was working, nothing would stop this and nothing was going to stop it all happening again and- "Josh, ENOUGH! Josh let go! They can't breathe!"  
"YOU LET HER LEAVE ME, I HATE YOU!" Josh growled and Tyler suddenly felt the rough grip of his hand appear on their throat. They were going to be throttled again, it was happening again, it was all happening again-  
"I'll call the cops Josh, please, you have to stop," Jenna begged.  
"SHE'S GONE BECAUSE OF YOU!"   
"TYLER THINKS YOU'RE GOING TO RAPE THEM, STOP IT! PLEASE!" She finally screamed with such rawness and such fear that Tyler would have started crying had they not already been sobbing and hyperventilating. At last the holds were released and they could fall to the ground, shaking fingers clawing the marks left behind fearfully as they heaved desperate breaths and prayed a flashback wasn't coming. Didn't seem to be working. Stars were already forming in the corners of their vision and no matter how desperately they gasped in gulps of air, their lungs wouldn't function. They couldn't breathe and they were so so vulnerable and someone was about to exploit them and suddenly they were screaming because someone was touching them.

"Baby he's gone, I'm so sorry, shhh, it's just Jenna, I've got you baby, Josh is gone I promise."

 

 

 

The streets of Columbus were cold on Monday morning and all Josh had to cover himself from the bracing winds was a simple tee and skinny jeans ensemble, but that was the least of his worries. He'd been thrown out of the apartment but that did nothing to stifle his anger, and so instead he strode on towards Debby's tattoo shop in search of more answers, and he'd use any sort of force to get them.

It couldn't be as simple as she was gone. He needed answers.

Tyler had broken down under the pressure and was a blithering mess, so he wouldn't get anything out of them until they recollected themselves, so Josh would have to wait before having another go later. However Booth and Sailor and Henk had to know something, they had to, somebody had to, they had to.

What had Debby said about them before she abandoned him? That they wouldn't be a problem. Something along those lines, something fucked up, something dodgy. She hadn't listed them in the people she had asked to cover her tracks, but said they wouldn't be a problem. And that was problem for Josh.

He barged through the glass door of her old parlour and was greeted by the smiling face of Sailor, who only added to the pit of fury burning deep within.  
"Hello sir, how can I he-"  
"Where the fuck is she?!"   
"I'm sorry sir, I don't know who you're talking about, if you're looking for someone then maybe try the cafe down the road?" The man played innocent and Josh wanted to scream. In fact he was only fractions away from doing it.   
"Debby! Where the fuck is she you jumped up fat fucking cunt?!"  
"Woaah, who's speaking like that, is someone giving you grief Tango?" Henk appeared from round the back and stood by Sailor's side, except he hadn't called him Sailor, he'd called him Tango, what the fuck was going on?

"This gentleman is just a tad confused I think Lewis, don't worry, sir can I do anything to help you?" 'Tango' told 'Lewis' and Josh was at his wit's end.  
"Debby?! Your fucking manager?! Where is she? I know you know you prick."  
"Come on man, don't talk to Tango like that, he's been the manager here for the past 3 years,"  
"You're a fucking liar Henk and we all know it!"  
"Henk? His name's Lewis and I'd prefer if you didn't talk to my staff like that please sir."  
"Debby is the manager! She is!"  
"Sir, I've worked here since I left high school. My artwork was spotted senior year and I was offered an internship over summer which I accepted on a whim. That lead to a job which then lead to a reputation which then lead to the manager's position being offered to me when my predecessor moved states. His name was Steven and I can give you his contact details if you'd like, but I've never known a manager named Debby."  
"That's her story!" Josh screamed in their faces and resisted the urge to cry once again.

"Please guys, you have to help me find her, whatever's going on, I just have to be with her. I love her. Please, please just tell me something." He pleaded with them.  
"Sir I'm sorry, I wish I could help but I don't know what else I can do. Lewis has worked here longer than me, do you know of anyone?" Sailor turned to see Henk, managing to fake this act very well.  
"I've only been here a year longer than Tango and my only other boss was Steven. We had a female artist called Daisy a few years back, no Debby though, sorry man."  
"Please,"  
"What's that artist called at the shop down by your house Tango? Trans female, purple hair, isn't her name Debby?"  
"Nah, she's Darcy. Umm, do you want me to call around the other shops in Columbus and see if there's anybody with a new girl called Debby? We're pretty friendly with most of the crowd but someone might have just started? I'll do that for you sir if that's what you want,"   
"Why are you doing this to me?" Josh whispered tearfully but neither of them let up.

"Is there anyone I can call for you sir?"  
"Sailor please, please,"  
"Sailor? Do you know their number?" Sailor asked, picking up the landline. "Sir I'm sorry but I'm gonna need more than that."  
"You're Sailor! For fuck sake! You're sailor and you're Henk and you're sat in Debby's parlour and I fucking hate you both because you know what you're doing to me but you're doing it anyway!" Josh got angry again. The pair just watched him blankly, and then suddenly he was overcome with a burst of angry energy and ran straight past them and into the back where all the tattoos were done.

Usually there were 4 stations, 2 on each opposite wall, and Debby's was the first when you entered. Her section of the wall was covered in doodles that she'd done in marker and pictures of her family and friends and Josh, and there was even a tree she had drawn with their initials in a love heart engraved into its trunk. But no. It was gone, just like her, it was all gone.

There were only 3 stations and Josh stood in the ghost of Debby's with hot tears running down his cheeks. He couldn't help but reach out and touch the white wall, smelling the fresh paint and knowing that their love was hidden only millimetres beneath his fingertips.

"Josh, you can have 60 seconds but then you need to leave and promise you won't come back. This is bigger than you and your relationship. You need to stay away, for all of our sakes." Booth said ominously from his station but Josh couldn't reply. He couldn't move. He couldn't let go. He couldn't give up on them, on her.

 

 

  
"Right the guest bedroom is all made up for you guys, I thought you'd prefer to be together in the double than in the bunks," Mom said softly as she walked back into the living room where Tyler and Jenna were buried under a pile of blankets on the couch by the fire, Jenna's hands slowly but periodically tangling in their hair then stroking it smooth with hushed hummed of reassurance.   
"Thank you Kelly,"

Tyler had had a panic attack. It was nasty one, a violent one, a one with voices and visions and flashbacks, a one that left their arms and their neck and their face covered in scratches, and their hoarse throat even more scratchy from the screaming. It was a nasty one that had scared even Jenna, who had dealt with their breakdowns for the past 7 years, and one that had caused her to call their parents in tears to beg for help. It was a nasty one that meant they were staying at home for safe keeping, non optional.

"Tyler, sweetheart, I've got all of your medication from when you stayed at Christmas and it's all in date except for your Clozapine. Dad's going to pop back to your apartment to pick up the box for you, do you want him to get anything else?"  
"Clozapine? I think I've got a half sheet of tablets in the middle pocket of my purse," Jenna said, gesturing to the bag next to their mom. She reached in and immediately pulled out the meds and checked they were correct.  
"Oh yes, perfect, Jenna you're just like a mom already, purse that's part pharmacy." She smiled. "Tyler honey, Dad will still go and get something if you'd like it. I have some cars for James but if you want Bunny for Lilly or anything else then Dad will get it."  
"Does Lilly want Bunny baby?" Jenna asked softly whilst playing with their hair.   
"No," they mouthed.

"How about you Jen? Do you want Chris to grab you anything?"   
"No thank you Kelly."   
"Okay darling, well just let us know if there's anything we can do."

"Mom," Tyler managed to raise their voice ever so slightly above silence.  
"Yes baby? I'm listening,"  
"Josh, we, um, will you make sure he's okay?"  
"Well I think we should focus on helping you to calm down and feel okay again first, but then we'll help Josh too." She said, crouching to face them at an unthreatening level. "I think he just needs some time to be angry, to hate the world and smash things and scream, and once he's ready to start rebuilding then we'll be there for him."  
"He's sick."  
"So are you Ty. And as much as much as I adore Josh, you're my children and I'm putting you first, okay?"  
"But he's not safe, please Mom,"

"Clozapine, anything else to add to the list?" Dad poked his head round the door.  
"Jenna had some with her, we'll be okay for a few days darling, no need to go out tonight." Mom replied.  
"Oh okay,"  
"Dad,"  
"Yes Ty?"  
"Will you take us for a drive? Please."   
"A drive? Yeah, sure, um, yeah that's alright,"  
"Tyler honey, what's this?" Mom asked them.  
"Wanna look out the window."  
"You want to look for Josh." Jenna sighed, delicate fingers still twisting their hair soothingly.  
"Please,"  
"Kel?" Dad looked to Mom for help on what the right response was, and she took a moment to think before answering.

"Not tonight baby, you've had a really really tough day and I don't want to risk putting you through anymore."   
"But Mom it's Josh, please, we need to find him."  
"He hurt you Tyler."  
"He was upset! We hurt him all the time when we're upset."  
"It's not the same."  
"Yes it is!" Tyler complained with a frustrated sigh, and Jenna just cuddled herself closer into them, letting her love be felt that much more.

"Josh is a clever and capable guy, you know that Ty. He'll probably be back at the apartment by now, and if he's decided not to head back tonight then he's got plenty of other friends to stay with. I think he needs his space. He's just lost the love of his life, it's understandable he's not okay, it doesn't mean it's acceptable for him to manhandle you. Maybe some time apart will be for the best."   
"Or maybe he'll kill himself."  
"Tyler," Jenna warned sympathetically.  
"What? It's true! He might! You saw how he was!"  
"Sweetheart he's angry, not suicidal, he'll calm down and he'll be okay," Their girlfriend said.   
"You don't know that he's not. Ever since Debby came along and they fell in love, it's her he would talk to about mental health and where he was at. We haven't talked, like properly talked, about him together for months. Maybe he is a complete suicidal wreck, maybe everything with Joel and Jordan and now with Debby is too much, maybe he won't be able to cope any longer."   
"Tyler is this helping anyone? Thinking up worst case scenarios?" Dad asked them.  
"We're just saying, you can't rule out the possibility this is gonna end badly."   
"Nobody's ruling it out, we just trust Josh a bit more than you seem to. He's a bright lad-"  
"Dad intelligence has nothing to do with the urges to kill yourself!" Tyler blurted out.

"Alright everyone, settle down, that's enough of this discussion. Tomorrow our focus will be on Josh but for the rest of the night it's about calming and settling everyone in for a good night." Kelly decided. "Tyler, why don't I get Maddy to come downstairs and you let Lilly front, and that way Lil and her sister and Jenna can have a girls night and watch a princess movie? We've got Tinker Bell on DVD?"  
"Maddy's 16, she won't wanna watch Tinker Bell with us."  
"Trust me darling, you never grow out of a bit of Tink." Mom smiled and so did Jenna, so even though Tyler's stomach felt wrong about giving up on their best mate for the night, they knew there was very little they could do to convince the army of protection which was supporting them.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Josh had spent the entire night scouring the city for any clue which could help answer the tornado of bombarding questions, deciding to search motel after motel with only short breaks for sobbing episodes in between. Motels were useless. The dead beat teenagers who ran the night shifts at each and every one of the 7 desks had offered no help in spite of his desperate demands, and even Josh was beginning to give up.

Debby was too smart for motels.

He swore his feet were bleeding, pads worn down to blistered stumps due to the endless hours of back and forth down the trash riddled streets of Columbus. But the pain, the exhaustion, the heartache, it didn't stop him. If he stopped, if he sat back and waited for even a moment then that would be another moment wasted and another moment closer to when that passport would be ready and that route would be sorted and she would be gone from the country and his life forever.

No, he couldn't stop.

The sun had risen again but he hadn't noticed when exactly, only noticed how the neon signs in shop windows glowed less brightly. He didn't have a clue what they said or meant but that didn't matter, he had a new plan and a new place to be and wouldn't let dyslexia slow him down.

Motels and hotels and were out of the question, she was bright, she had a plan, she wouldn't be there Josh realised after 8 hours of searching. No, he needed more information, he need more clues, he needed to speak to her many different hobby instructors and find out anything that would offer him some sort of lead to go off. Anything, he was desperate.

"Hi! Hello, excuse me Ma'am, hello," he ran to the end of the street where an older woman was unlocking the door to the pottery shop that Josh was 90% sure was where Debby took her ceramic and pottery throwing classes.  
"Sorry sir, we're not open yet."  
"Please, I need to talk to someone, please,"  
"Sir if you're interested in taking up a class then I can give you a leaflet, but my workshop isn't set up, I'm not even through the door yet." She said, clearly pissed off as she opened her door and entered her shop. Josh didn't care and pushed his way in as well before she could close the door.

"Please,"  
"Give me a minute." The woman sighed, taking her bag off and placing it on the bench, then removing her jacket and scarf and hanging them up whilst Josh bounced his leg impatiently. She had hundreds of hobbies and he had hundreds of people to visit, he didn't have time to wait around.

"Right, sir, how can I help?"  
"My girlfriend, she takes your classes, she's gone missing and I really need to know whether she said anything, anything at all. Please."  
"Well I'm sorry to hear that, what's her name?"  
"Debby. Deborah Ann Ryan, she's got light brown hair-"  
"Tattoos, tattoo artist."  
"Yes!" Josh felt like crying all over again because finally someone was saying the right thing.

"Oh I'm so sorry to hear she's gone missing, what happened?"  
"I don't know, I don't know, I, I'm trying to find out,"  
"You're Josh? Her boyfriend?"  
"Yes."  
"Oh she always spoke about you with a smile on her face, she really loves you." The potter said and Josh teared up. "Don't be upset darling, she's a bit of a wild one is our Debby, she's probably off on one of her adventures. She'll turn up soon."  
"She won't." He shook his head, hands crossed on top of his yellow hair as he bit his bottom lip and tried not to breakdown.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"  
"Just please, anything, did she say anything, a reason she might have to leave or somewhere specific she could be going too or just anything."  
"Hmm, let me have a think, why don't you have a seat?" She suggested and Josh didn't want to but was suddenly hit with a wave of fatigue at the realisation that he'd slept less than an hour between the last two nights. The woman gestured to a table in her workshop and Josh managed to order his lead like legs to stumble towards it before collapsing into the chair there and letting go of all holds. He let go of his ability to hold his straight posture and hold his head up and hold his tears back. They slid slowly but consistently down his weathered and salted cheeks as he stared up at the ceiling and wondered whether Debby had ever sat in this chair. He wondered where Debby was, whether she was safe, whether she was coming back in spite of the fact he knew she wouldn't. It was down to him to find her.

"Here," the woman also sat and placed a glass of water in front of him. "My name's Carol for a start."  
"Thanks," he whispered as he took a small sip, hoarse throat burning.  
"So, Debby, she's a big traveller,"  
"Uh huh," Josh nodded, hoping she would skip to the info he needed, not torture him by bringing up so many memories of what he had lost.

"I know she really wants to go to Paris, she said she wanted to take you there for your anniversary of moving in together, when's that?"  
"Another month away still."  
"Hmm, well she wouldn't go on an anniversary date without her date anyway. You really have no idea why she might have gone?"  
"No,"  
"Have you told the police? I know it's hard to think about, but if something's happened to her, if she was taken, they're the people who are going to be able to get her back."  
"She left, she wasn't taken, she ran."  
"She ran, oh Debby you little madam, what have you got yourself caught up in now." Carol sighed as she took a sip of her own water.

"What do you mean 'now'?"  
"Hmm?"  
"You said now, has she got herself caught up in things in the past?"  
"Oh you know, just talking about boyfriends, you're the first good egg."  
"No, actually, no I don't know."  
"Things with Joaquin? She didn't tell you?" Carol seemed both confused and embarrassed for Josh's sake, and Josh felt his shattered heart be salted by yet another fact of how little he knew the woman he thought would soon become his wife.

"He just didn't treat her with the respect that one should treat another human being, let alone a girlfriend. Hence why she came to Ohio."  
"Back in Germany?"  
"Germany? No no, Joaquin was in Brooklyn."  
"Brooklyn?"  
"Yeah, after LA."  
"She told me she moved straight here from Germany, finished high school here."  
"Oh no, no that's not true, she moved here about 2 and a half years ago? She came back from Germany with her family when she was 15 and stayed in LA with her brother to finish high school, then she moved to New York because she got a scholarship to study art. She met Joaquin whilst she was out there, then when things turned sour she upped and came here to Columbus."  
"Oh," was all he could muster.

Debby was a stranger.

"You didn't know?"  
"No."  
"Well maybe that's her way of coping, maybe it's easier to forget and blank out those years."  
"How, h-how do you know all of this?"  
"This was her therapy I suppose." Carol gestured to the clay pottery around the room. "She just used to come and take it all out on a ball of clay, and over the years she's opened up to me."  
"Did she say what Joaquin did to her?" Josh was scared to know the answer.  
"It was just a bad crowd. He didn't introduce her to it, she got herself involved with them because she needed some money for a one time thing, then she met him and fell in love and then basically became too wrapped up in the crowd to be able to walk away easily when he started misbehaving. She never told me who the crowd were or what she did but I got the impression that it was some kind of illegal gang? And she never said what her boyfriend did or anything like that, if I knew details then I'd share them, I just honestly don't know."

"She, um, she said some very bad people are after her, do, do you think she could mean Joaquin?"  
"She said that? Oh bless her heart, I'll pray for her." Carol didn't answer the question but Josh didn't move on. "All I know is that she told me she'd sorted it, she told me she had insurance of some sort and she told me she'd found people to look after her here in Columbus. She said it was done and she was safe."  
"Well she doesn't think she's safe anymore."

 

 

  
"Ty," Maddy said as she sat down opposite them at the kitchen table moments after they'd finished their bowl of cereal. Mom was washing up and Jay had gone to play basketball before school with his friend, meanwhile Dad was at work and Jenna was in the shower.  
"Mads."  
"Can you let a girl front? I wanna try winged eyeliner on you, I've been practicing forever and it's impossible, I need a model."  
"Maddy you've got school in 20 minutes, make sure you're ready including breakfasted before you start playing games." Mom called over her shoulder without even turning around.  
"I am ready." She rolled her eyes and Ty smiled a little.

"Not today Maddy, not feeling great." Tyler told their sister.  
"Stuff with Josh?"  
"Yeah,"  
"I'm sorry,"  
"S'okay, we just don't really wanna be switching lots, people might take advantage and seize control, we're feeling a bit unstable."  
"That's okay, no need to justify yourselves."  
"We could probably get Lilly to front though, she's a littleone so she's easy for me to overthrow."  
"Tyler Joseph she's 4 years old, she's too young for make up, absolutely no way are you putting winged eyeliner on her Maddy." Mom declared without a shadow of doubt.  
"But Mooomm," she complained.  
"No. She's 4. I didn't let you start using makeup till you were 12, same for her."  
"She doesn't age!"  
"Loophole." Mom winked as she finished the dishes and joined the siblings at the table.

"Jenna can help if you'd like, she's amazing at everything." Tyler shrugged, trying to offer an alternative.  
"Yeah that's a good idea actually, Jen will show you after school if you ask nicely sweetie."  
"We might not be here, but you can come over to our place instead if you want?"  
"Ty what's this? Might not be here?" Mom said concerned.  
"Yeah, gonna head home."  
"Sweetheart you just said you're unstable, I don't think it's the best plan to dive back into an environment that's so unknown and so potentially triggering. Best keep you here till Josh is found and calmed down."  
"No, what's best is if we go and find Josh."  
"Remember what it was like before he moved in? When he went missing? You were desperate to go out and find him, but in the end he came to us."  
"Covered in self harm wounds."

"What I'm trying to say is that when he's ready he'll come to you. If you go out and drag him back, he's still gonna be full of all these aggressive emotions and it's not gonna end well for you babe. Let him get them out of his system, then let him come back to you."  
"What if he has come back? What if he's gone back to the apartment to apologise or to ask for help or to get injury treatment, except we're not there. Mom he already lost Debby and now Jenna and we have left him too, you know what he's like, he's doesn't cope well with this sort of thing." Tyler protested.  
"Do you cope well with this sort of thing?"  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"You were really ill yesterday Ty, and, a-and you're my baby and I don't like seeing you like that." Mom suddenly out of the blue began to tear up, so Maddy quickly rushed to stand behind her and hug her tightly. She smiled but it was forced and her eyes were still filling with tears.

"Sorry, the screaming, it just reminded me of the bad days Ty,"  
"Me too." Maddy agreed. "I was 9 but I can still remember the sound to this day."  
"It's scary for you baby and I understand that it's always going to be more scary for you than it is for us, but we still feel scared." Mom explained with a single escaping tear that was immediately dismissed. "We're not scared he's going to hurt you again because we know that nobody's going to do that again and we know that you're completely 100% safe Ty. We're scared that you're going to hurt yourself again, and I think that's a real possibility at the moment."  
"But Cassie-"  
"Not Cassie, you Tyler."  
"Me?"  
"Yes. You're fronting almost all of the time and I think that's great and I'm so proud of you for being able to do that, but at the same time you've relied on Johnny to be the rational one for so long and I'm worried that you've lost that clarity yourself. At the moment sweetheart you're not demonstrating rationality, you're not looking at the situation and baring in mind your personal situation."  
"Yeh," Tyler said nonchalantly and let her continue whilst Maddy sat back down.

"For some people, going out and finding Josh and taking on all his aggression and dealing with all his issues is a difficult but feasible task. But you're not those people Ty. It's not because you're weak or you're not as good or you're a bad friend or anything even remotely close to that, it's because we only have one plate and yours is already pretty darn full. You can try piling more on top, but do you know what's gonna happen?"  
"It's gonna be too much and it's gonna make a big mess."  
"Exactly Ty, a big mess. That's when people get hurt."  
"Yeh."  
"Make sense? It's not because you're not good enough, it's because-"  
"We're sick."  
"Yeh," she nodded and Tyler sat and thought about what she was saying for a moment, playing with the spoon of their cereal and contemplating what to do next.

"So, and this is us being open to discussion on the matter, would it be an okay idea if we headed back to the apartment with Jenna? If Josh is there then we get him calm enough to bring him here, and if he's not there then we just pack an overnight bag so we can stay here for another few days? Both ways we come back here for tonight."  
"Okay, okay I like that idea." Mom decided with a nod. "But you have to stick to it, promise?"  
"Promise."  
"No matter what you might find in the apartment, I don't want you going on a wild goose chase around Ohio."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well if, for example, Josh has come back and smashed it up or something like that, you still pack a bag and you still come back here. No exceptions."  
"If he needs to be taken to hospital?"  
"Let Jenna assess the situation and use her judgement. If she thinks he needs to go then of course take him, but call me and keep me in the loop and I'll meet you at the hospital and then I'll bring you home for the night."  
"Okay."  
"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."

 

 

  
When Josh heard the front door open, he swore he almost jumped out of his skin. Maybe it was sleep deprivation swirling with paranoia and increased sensitivity, maybe having Joaquin's gang break into the apartment was a justified and realistic fear, maybe he was just used to the silence. Either way it frightened him.

Once he heard the voices of Tyler and Jenna, he breathed a sigh of relief. Finally. For the past hour since returning from his information collecting mission he had been attempting to book flights online, only problem being he couldn't read the website. Voice dictation usually managed to help him avoid these issues but for whatever reason the site wouldn't accept his details or maybe they'd been wrongly interpreted by the microphone or maybe the questions had been misread by the voice over software he had. All he knew was that the tickets weren't being bought, and that Ty or Jenna would be able to get to the bottom of why not.

"Oh there you are!" Josh jogged into the living room where they both stood.  
"Us?! We had to leave Josh, you know that, you made this an unsafe place for-" Jenna trailed off as Tyler immediately sprinted and threw themselves at him, taking him by surprise with a huge hug.  
"We've been so worried Josh,"  
"Huh? Worried? I'm fine."  
"Josh do you wanna apologise? You know, for throttling them?" Jenna continued disapprovingly.  
"Jenna what's done is done, can't we just be glad he's okay." Tyler said as he let go.

"Quick, I need your help," Josh ignored their boring conversation, flights on his mind.  
"Help? What's going on? Are you hurt Josh?"  
"I'll show you." He began to walk back to his laptop in his room.  
"Ty stay here, don't want you getting triggered sweetie, I'll deal with it." Jenna said and followed him but that didn't stop Tyler walking too, and soon all of them were in Josh's bedroom.

"Where did you hurt yourself then darling?"  
"Hurt? What, no, no I didn't self harm, no I need your help booking flights."  
"Flights?" Tyler echoed confused as Jenna picked up his laptop to read the two tabs he had open.  
"One to LA and one to New York, Josh, what's going on?"  
"Listen, I've been doing some digging and I found out some stuff about Debby's past-" he began explaining before getting interrupted by his best friend's girlfriend.   
"Josh, I really don't think it's a good idea, she said there's some really bad people trying to find her and I don't think you should be getting involved in things you don't understand."  
"See that's where you're wrong, I do understand!"  
"Right."  
"I do!"

"And it involves going to LA and New York?" Jenna said doubtfully.  
"LA first, her family lives in LA."  
"Is she with them?"  
"I don't know, I shouldn't think so, I just need to go and speak to them about things, find out some truths."  
"Can't you do it over the phone?"  
"Might be tapped." Josh shook his head.  
"I don't think-"  
"Might be!"  
"Okay, okay it might be J, but do you even know where her family live? I mean I know you've never met them." Tyler asked.  
"Anaheim, I know that, and I once saw a photo of Debby with her brother outside a restaurant so I'll find that same restaurant and take it from there."  
"Or you could just ask them their address?"  
"Tapped lines!" Josh exclaimed annoyed.

"How about New York then? Where does that come in?" Jenna sighed.  
"I tracked down a bunch of her instructors and her pottery teacher told me that she got involved with some bad people in New York, dated a gang member called Joaquin in Brooklyn and got in some trouble. Then her archery coach told me she had told him that she'd love to use her bow and arrow on a couple of douches from her past and when he enquired more she just said that Brooklyn's a rough place. Finally her road running club president said she said she'd completed the Brooklyn marathon."  
"Right," Tyler didn't seem anywhere near as excited as they should be.  
"So what's the plan Josh? Just go to Brooklyn and then what?" Jenna asked.  
"Find Joaquin."  
"How?"  
"Well I'm gonna have so many more leads once I'm there. Apparently she went to art school there so I'm gonna visit the schools and find out where she went, and then from there I'll be able to build a bigger picture. Talk to people, find out more, see if anyone knows her."

"Over 2 and a half million people live in Brooklyn Josh, the odds of you meeting someone who knew her are minuscule."  
"I'm not looking for anyone amongst them though, I'll be able to narrow it down to Joaquins."  
"How will you be able?" Tyler asked but continued before Josh could reply. "And let's say by some freak miracle you manage to track down this guy, this Joaquin, then what? Isn't he the guy Debby's running from? She left because he doesn't know where she is and she wants to keep it that way. He's not going to help Josh-"  
"HE IS GOING TO HELP! HE'S GOING TO GIVE ME ANSWERS!" Josh suddenly screamed before bursting into tears because he was so proud of himself because he was going to fix it all and he was going bring Debby back but now even his best friends had given up and she was never coming home and he would never see her again and he loved her and it wasn't fair.

"Come on J, it's okay, come on," Tyler hushed him, sitting beside the crying man on the bed and pulling him into a much needed hug.


	9. Chapter 9

Tyler had made sure they stuck to the promise they made to Mommy that they'd go back to her after going home, and they brought Joshie too. Joshie had been really sad and Tyler and Jenna had tried to make him happy but he kept crying and crying. Mommy tried to make him all better but Josh was still super super sad and that made Tyler super super sad, so they had a sleepover.

When they lived with Mommy, they had a bunk bed and Joshie slept on the top and James slept on the bottom. Mommy kept it so that they could have another sleepover but all of James's toys were gone from underneath their bed and that was where they kept all their super favourite best cars as a secret. It made him sad at bedtime and he wanted to cry, but Joshie had stopped crying at last and they didn't want to be a baby or make him sad again.

But now it was the morning and now it was boring and now they wanted their cars.

James rolled out of bed, Tyler's boring blanket falling to the ground, and ran excitedly out of their old bedroom and across the hall to Mommy and Daddy's bedroom. They didn't bother to knock, barging straight in and jumping up onto the bed where Mommy was reading a magazine. Daddy was missing but James could hear the whoosh whoosh whoosh of the shower.

"Morning angel, everything okay?" Mommy put down what she was looking at and smiled at them.   
"Mommy, M-ommy I want, I want, Mommy where's my toys? I really want my absolute favouritist cars."  
"James sweetie slow down, no need to speak so fast, we can go and find some cars if you'd like?"  
"Yay yay yay!" They bounced delighted with a grin and Mommy smiled then got out of bed and held out a hand which they happily grabbed onto and let her lead the way downstairs.

"Careful on the steps sweetie, don't go too fast." She warned as they rushed, eager to go and find the coolest most bestest car in the universe. Mommy was still holding their hand tightly but otherwise they would have run and run and run because cars were so cool and this was going to be so much fun and this was awesome and yay cars.

"Alright sweetheart, Daddy put everything in the garage and I don't want you going in because there might be sharp ouchies on the floor, so you sit here and Mommy will come back in a second." Mommy settled them down on the couch in the living room.  
"Mommy I, I, I wanna car!"  
"I'm getting your cars James."  
"Cars cars cars!!"  
"Yeah that's right," she laughed and they bounced up and down and up and down on the cushion, so much energy ready to play cars with. "How high can you count now?"  
"Um maybe I think maybe 11 of 18?"  
"Wow! You're getting so good James! So you do your biggest number and I'll get your cars, then I'll bring them back. Okay?"  
"Okay!"  
"Wait here."  
"Okay Mommy." James nodded then bounce bounced whilst she left to get the cars, yay yay yay, cars.

They tried to count but couldn't concentrate on the difficult numbers even though Johnny and Tyler were always trying to be teachers, they were too excited by the idea of cars. Red cars and blue cars and big ninja cars and cars with big wheels that were cool and move and they race and the one James chooses is always the bestest because it's super speedy like lightning and goes nawwww and vroom and is the absolute bestest and cars are so cool!!!!!

"Alrighty here we go," Mommy walked back in carrying a big plastic crate of toys, James instantly slipped down onto the carpet before she even had time to take the lid off, and instantly began rummaging around for the cars.  
"Mommy what's all this other things?"  
"Well there's your cars on that side James, then Lilly's toys are there and Cassie's old fiddles to help her calm down are over here."  
"My favourite!!!" They squealed as they finally dug out a car and held it straight up above their head victoriously and proudly.  
"That's a nice one James,"  
"And this one and this one and this one!"   
"Which one should Mommy have?"  
"Ummm, for you!" They decided, passing across a super cool purple one that she took gratefully and began rolling it along the carpeted floor.

"I'm happy you're playing with me James, I like it when we get to spend time together."  
"Playing is cool!"  
"I think so too. I've missed you James." Mommy told them whilst playing with the car in one spot whilst James raced several all around as far as they could possibly reach.  
"Missed you too Mommy."  
"You know if you ever want to come and have a play date with Mommy after work or at the weekend then you can tell Tyler and he'll let you come and see me baby."  
"Won't,"  
"Won't he? Tyler listens to you, doesn't he?"  
"He, he's bossy Mommy! I don't like it." James said sadly, stopping the cars to look at Mommy with tears filling their eyes and a pout.

"Come here angel," Mommy sighed and James scooted round so she could hug them. "Now there's no need to be getting upset James, okay? Mommy's here, Mommy's gonna make it better, Mommy can tell Tyler what to do if he's being mean to you."  
"He is always being not nice Mommy, when he does talking about me,"  
"What does he say?"  
"He is always saying like this, 'someone take James away, someone take him away' like that." James mimicked, one hand acting as a puppet that mouthed the words.  
"When does Ty say that?"   
"When, w-when Jenna comes home and he likes playing with her, when they are playing together, that's when I have to go away and be not allowed anything to see or do."  
"Okay darling," Mommy hummed as she stroked their hair soothingly.

"Mommy it makes me sad, I like playing with Jenna too!"  
"Tyler and Jenna play different games though angel, grown up games which you might not like."  
"Like huggies?"  
"Yeh like huggies." Mommy told them. "And other yucky things that James doesn't want to see, like kissies. Tyler's not sending you away because he doesn't like you, he just wants you to be happy and their kissies might make you not happy."  
"Oh," James sulked as she cuddled them.

"Does anything else make you sad at the moment James?"  
"Um well maybe sometimes I wanna try a new things and Ty always goes NOPE!"  
"What new things do you want to try baby?"  
"I don't always remember the name but I wanna be in charge but I wanna be in charge with my friend! Together!"  
"You want to co-front with another alter?"  
"Yeh!" James nodded, sitting up from the hug and nodding to their mommy.

"Who would you like to try that with?"  
"Willow! She's nice!"  
"Yeh she is nice." Mommy agreed. "Why do you want to co-front though James? You're such a big boy, so brave, you can do it by yourself."   
"She, she can be nice and good too, we are a good teammates and good friends and it's good! Doubley good!"  
"So why does Tyler say no?"  
"Doesn't like it." James shrugged. "All the time he wants rules and doing as we are told and being strict, and he doesn't like it when we change it."  
"Do you know why that is James?"   
"No Mommy."

"Should I tell you? Because Tyler told me."   
"Hmmmmmmmmm, yeah!"  
"So tell Mommy if I use big words or words that you don't like, okay?"  
"Okay." James nodded.  
"Tyler likes rules and likes alters to go one at a time because it means he can keep track of who's who and who's where."  
"Who's who's who's who's who who who," James giggled. "Mommy that's funny, who who who,"  
"Yeah you're right, you sound a bit like an owl! Hoot hoot."  
"Twit twoooo,"

"Alright poppet, Mommy's gonna keep explaining. Tyler likes to know where you all are and it's easier to do that when only one person is fronting, and by keeping an eye on everyone it means he can keep nasty people away. Nasty people like Michael and Blurryface."  
"They're mean." They said sadly.  
"Yeh, they're mean, so Tyler makes rules to keep them away."  
"We all must say NO!"  
"Exactly, that's right angel." Mommy smiled. "And Tyler likes to be in control. A long time ago Tyler was in a situation when he didn't have any control and he couldn't say no, and that was really really bad, so now he likes to have power and be the boss."  
"Mommy I like hugs."  
"Do you want a hug James?"  
"Yes! But, but, but is a hug for James like being the boss for Tyler? He feels all great?"  
"Yeah that's exactly right, it makes him feel safe and secure just like a hug, well done James." She told him proudly, then gave him another hug that he grinned through.

"Mommy."  
"Yes poppet?"  
"Mommy what is making Joshie feeling all great?"  
"He likes hugs too, he likes lots of things."  
"Does he like cars???" James suddenly asked excitedly.  
"Yeh I think he does."  
"JAMES AND JOSHIE PLAY CARS!!!!!!!!"   
"Is Josh sleeping angel?"  
"I, I, I, we can play!" They said as they kneeled and collected up as many cars as they possibly could, lifting up the bottom of their tshirt and piling them in so they could hold lots and lots and lots. Once all the bestest cars were wrapped up in the scoopy part of their shirt they stood up and started walking out of the room careful careful not to drop any.

"James?"  
"Gonna play with Joshie! Bye Mommy!"  
"Poppet if he's sad or sleepy then come back down and play with Mommy instead."  
"Okay!" They said then went round the corner and up the stairs, struggling to look up the steps but keep all the awesome cool cars inside their shirt parcel. They took the staircase steadily, trying to calm down their urge to run and run so they could play with Joshie super quickly and instead being really super careful so they didn't drop their cars and have to start again.

At last they made up to the landing and rushed across to Joshie and their bedroom, barging the door open with their shoulder. They looked up and Joshie was sat in his top bunk, feet resting on the ladder strung and hand in his hair twirling the yellow curls.  
"Morning,"  
"Hi!" James grinned then slid on their knees on the carpet and let go of their shirt, letting 8 of the coolest cars in the world clatter down onto the ground around him.

"Oh you brought us cars to play with? That's nice of you James." Josh smiled and clambered down from the high bed and sat next to them on the floor.   
"Here! You can have this one!" James passed him the absolute bestest number one.  
"This one? But this one's your favourite James."  
"You're my favourite, you can have it."  
"Thank you." He said warmly then sighed and looked around the bedroom but didn't copy the way James raced the cars around.

"Play Joshie! Play!"  
"I'm just, I'm thinking James."   
"Thinking? What you thinking?"  
"I'm thinking about how exactly we're going to build the world's biggest and best race course ever!" Joshie's sad face turned to a happy excited face.   
"YAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYYYYY!"

"I say the start line's up on my bunk, then we can ninja jump across to the cupboard, prop that up as a ramp, put those candles there to do a figure 8 around, urmm,"  
"Ninja backflip!"  
"Yep ninja backflip from the figure 8 back here and flat out race to the door for the finish line."  
"No no I can, um, Mommy's board for the I-ning, it, i-it can be nother hill!"  
"An ironing board? Yeah that's awesome! So we go down the ironing board-"  
"Backwards!!!!" James squealed and Josh laughed then nodded.  
"Okay backwards, then-"  
"Round and round and up here up the wall like this, race round all the pictures, nowwww, nowwww, vroom um to here, then, um,"  
"Are the cars like Spider-Man? They can go on walls?"  
"YES!!!"  
"Well I reckon they should go up on the ceiling! Climb up on my bunk, first one to the light wins."  
"The ceiling?" James giggled. "That's silly Joshie!"  
"What? Are you scared you're gonna lose??"  
"Nope I'm the BEST!"  
"I think you'll find actually that I'm the best." Josh stuck his tongue out and James giggled again.

"Morning guys," Jenna smiled as she walked into their bedroom, tucking her blonde hair behind her ear with a cute smile as she saw them playing.  
"JENNNNNNNAAAAA!" James squealed delighted and stood up and hugged her tightly, then grabbed her hand and tugged her down onto the floor next to Joshie and the coolest cars ever.  
"Hey baby, you come out to play today?"  
"Playing with Joshie!!!"  
"And you're having fun? Enjoying yourselves?"  
"YESSSS!"  
"Yeah, yeah we're having fun, feeling better for it already." Joshie told Jenna and they both smiled which made James grin because everyone was happy and everything was good good good. Excited by the racetrack and playing with Jenna AND Joshie and having all these EPIC cars was so so excited and James couldn't help but squeal with joy and grab both their friends and pull them into a super super tight group hug.

 

 

  
Wednesday afternoon Josh had a client. Everyone had told him not to go into work, that somebody could cover, that he should stay home and stay safe after his episode of well, whatever the Hell it was. But Josh didn't cancel on Lucius, didn't stay home, didn't need pity. Yes, something inside him had snapped when Debby left, but yes, he needed to let it and her go. She was gone and he was fine.

He'd played with James in the morning, been fine, been normal, been safe. He was fine, he was normal, he was safe. He'd eaten lunch with Willow and Jenna. He was fine, he was normal, he was safe. And now, now he was gonna train a guy for an hour and he would be fine and he would be normal and he would be safe.

"Oh Josh, can I have a sec?" Trent behind the trainers' station said and Josh nodded, running over to him.  
"Hey, what's up?"  
"There was a guy in here looking for you earlier," he said and Josh's heart began to pound because they must have found him, shit, they must have found her too, shit, "said Debby sent him, his name was-"  
"Joaquin."  
"What? Huh, no, it was Joel."  
"Joel, oh, right okay, good,"  
"He left this for you, told me to say to call him in the morning because he's working tonight." Trent gave him a slip of paper and Josh wasn't sure what it said but it seemed to be a phone number.  
"Right, thanks for that Trent, cheers. I'll just pop it in my locker so if Lucius turns up tell him I'll be a minute?"  
"No worries man." He nodded as Josh started walking away towards the staff locker room.

Joel had been to his gym, he hadn't told him where he worked so Debby must have done, and if Debby had told him that then they must have spoken, and seeing as he only swung by today they must have spoken either this morning or yesterday. They'd spoken about him, so they must have spoken about other things. Maybe Joel had a message from her, had news of any sort, maybe he had new leads or new clues or maybe a direct link to Debby. All he really knew was that he wanted this session to go by as quickly as possible because the hunt was back on.

Josh shoved the precious note in his locker then went back into the gym, picking up boxing pads as he went. Lucius always wanted to work in the ring, and Josh got the impression that in his youth he had been a fighter. He was older now, Josh wasn't exactly sure how old but he was always saying how Josh was the same age as his sons. In spite of that, he was still fit and he was still intimidating. Josh got mobster vibes off him, but regardless he was never anything but polite to Josh.

Lucius was a regular, hour long sessions 3 times a week, and he had requested Josh as a trainer by name about 2 years ago. Apparently he'd heard about Josh's good reputation but couldn't remember who from, but Josh wasn't going to argue with a client over it. After all money was money. They'd started working together the same week as Josh asked Debby out and overall it had been a good week to say the least, professionally and personally.

"Josh, good to see you son," Lucius greeted him with a firm shake of his hand which was already bound up with tape.  
"You too. How are you?"  
"I'm all good, all good, you?"  
"Yeah I'm okay, ready to get started?"  
"I'm always ready." He said as they climbed between the ropes of the boxing ring in the back corner of the gym.

"60 seconds jabs only." Josh slid on the pads and held them up for the man to begin hitting, feeling the strength of experience with each impact.  
"Listen, kid, I heard the news." Lucius said whilst he punched and once again Josh's imagination ran away from him. "It's awful, nobody should have to lose someone they love like that, especially since you're both so young. You hear about this sort of thing from TV but you never think it's gonna happen to someone you love, I'm so sorry kid. If there's anything I can do then let me know."  
"How do you know?"  
"My misses was at church on Sunday, said the pastor devoted a passage to him."  
"Jordan, oh, yeah," Josh realised what he was talking about, the fact that his baby brother was gonna die had completely slipped his mind.

"Lucius Santobello looks out for his boys, that includes you and your brother. Just lemme know."  
"There's nothing to be done." He sighed as they finished the jabs and took a 30 second break.  
"Need cash? Because I can sort you an easy loan for medical bills."  
"Money's not an issue, he needs a transplant and he's back of the queue."  
"I can sort that."  
"Black market organs aren't really my family's style." Josh tried to say lightheartedly but felt nauseous.   
"No no, you're funny, but I mean I can have pressure put on the right people to make things happen." Lucius offered and Josh just sighed and held up the pads again.

"Double-jab-cross, 60 seconds."  
"You're the boss, boss." The older nodded and began with the exercise. "Offer's always open though."  
"Thanks Lucius." Josh forced a small smile as they moved around the ring.

"Jab-cross-hook." He said once the drill finished and Lucius shook out his arms then started punching again as Josh thought to himself. Lucius was powerful, Lucius knew people, Lucius knew bad people, maybe he knew something to do with Debby? After all they both came into Josh's life at the same time, that couldn't be a coincidence. Lucius's history was just as big a mystery as Debby's turned out to be, but one thing Josh did know was that Lucius had a New Yorker accent.

"Lucius." Josh dropped his arms to his side and the older man stretched his.  
"Yeh?"  
"You're from New York right? Brooklyn?"  
"Next door. Queens. Why do you ask?"  
"I, just, there's this guy in Brooklyn I need to get some intel on, never mind."  
"New York's a big place son, whole other world compared to Ohio."  
"Yeh I know," he sighed.   
"Go on, tell me his name, I might know him."  
"Joaquin?"  
"And I take it he's not straight laced like you?"   
"No."  
"Well with a name like Joaquin you're talking Hispanic, Mexican, and you know me Josh, I'm Italian American." Lucius told him. "Different sides."  
"Oh,"

"Look, I left that life behind, you know that Josh."  
"I'm sorry,"  
"I never heard of no Joaquin but I can put a word in with my boys if you want? I've still got ears to the street in New York."  
"Could you?" Josh asked hopefully.  
"Course, anything. Whatcha know and whatcha wanna know?"  
"Know nothing, wanna know anything."  
"Wow, okay okay okay," Lucius laughed and shook his head.  
"He's round about my age, he's in with a bad crowd, they offer kids ways to make money."   
"Basically any kid in any gang in New York then." The man chuckled. "Come on, jab-cross-left uppercut-cross, I'll have a think."  
"Thank you Lucius." Josh held up his pads and let the man punch the combination he'd asked for over and over again whilst he thought.

It was complete luck that Josh had stumbled upon this client with these connections with a world that Josh never even considered being involved in. He had always been a 'higher' member of society, at least that's what his parents had told him, and wouldn't dare associate with criminals. But everything had changed now and Josh would do anything in the name of love, no matter how much trouble he got himself into.

"Wait, Joaquin The Snake Sanchez?" Lucius suddenly stopped. "This is about your girl, isn't it? Her ex back in Brooklyn."  
"Ye-"  
"Josh you've gotta drop this, no, I'm not getting involved, no."  
"But you said-"  
"It doesn't matter what I said, this is different."  
"Why?! Why is it different?!" Josh exclaimed and Lucius grabbed him above the elbow and half walked half dragged him out of the ring and across the gym, pulling him into a secluded corner and waiting for a gentleman to walk away before whispering discreetly to him.

"You need to stop this."  
"Why?!"  
"This is bigger than you and your relationship."  
"Why does everyone keep saying that?!"  
"Who else have you spoken to about this?" Lucius asked concerned and slightly angry.  
"No! No I'm not answering questions, I'm sick of being in the dark, you tell me what the fuck is going on because I've done nothing wrong."  
"Josh keep your fucking voice down." He growled aggressively. "You don't know what the fuck you're getting involved in."  
"Damn right I don't! That's the issue!" Josh exclaimed. "Please Lucius, please, I love her and I'm scared, please."  
"It's for the best-"  
"I don't fucking care."  
"Josh she doesn't want you to know."  
"You don't know that."  
"I do Josh! I'm her fucking handler!"  
"Wait, you're, you're what?" He asked shakily, terrified for what he was potentially about to hear.

"Look, she got herself in trouble,"  
"What kind of trouble?"  
"She got herself in trouble with her crew, and our crew got her out of it."  
"How? Who are these people?"  
"Josh I'm trying to fucking speak, you gonna listen?"  
"Sorry."  
"She came to my old man and he sorted her out, set her up with a new life in Ohio. We've got a system here in Columbus, a tattoo parlour as a front to a safe house, and we settled her in. I was done with the mafia, wanted a better life for my kids, so Pop sent me out here to watch over her. I sort her out, any worries, including watching over her new boyfriend to make sure he's not working with The Snake and his boys." Lucius told him and Josh had to hold back the tears. "It was working fine till recently things flared up again and it's better that she goes than she risks blowing this whole operation."  
"Y-you sent her away?"  
"She knew she had to go." He said. "I get you're upset but you can't keep getting involved because the more you dig up, the more risk you become to the others still in hiding. If Pop thinks you're a danger to his crew then he's going to do something about you, you understand? This is bigger than you and your relationship."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, new fic:  
> May or may not be writing a soft angst wheelchair AU, would people prefer lots of short chapters or fewer chapters but they're similar length to this fic's? The total is gonna be about 30000ish


	10. Chapter 10

Things had calmed down a bit and so Mom agreed that it was time for them to head back to their apartment, at least for a trial night. Josh was quiet all night. After his session at the gym with a regular client he had gone back to the apartment with them in silence, sat in the living room in silence, half eaten the dinner Jenna cooked in silence then watched an old black and white movie she had chosen in silence. The only real time he had spoken was when he said he was going to sleep in room 4, the empty guest room, rather than his room he once shared with Debby, and Tyler and Jenna understood. So he went to bed at 9pm and Tyler stayed up half the night spying on him to make sure he was safe, but every check only found him laying like a statue on the bed silently.

To say Tyler was worried was an understatement.

Jenna was less concerned than them, but maybe she was only saying that for their sake. All through the night as they tossed and turned in their double bed, she was the one constantly reassuring them that he would be fine and they didn't need to check on him for a 12th time and he knew where they were if he needed someone. It would work for a few minutes but then they'd overthink it again and she would have to settle them again.

By morning Tyler was slightly calmer, relieved everyone had made it through the night okay, but still didn't feel right. The house was too quiet without Debby. Jenna lovingly but tiredly stroked their hair, still not a morning person, and it was soothing but it wasn't distracting enough to stop them replaying everything over and over again in their head. Maybe they had done the wrong thing by letting Debby walk away, maybe there was more they could have done to help her and to help Josh, maybe Josh should have slept in their room with them last night for safe keeping.

Just as they were about to climb out of bed and check on Josh, the man walked into the bedroom without knocking and made them jump a little.  
"Josh, jees, scared us."  
"Sorry," he whispered and Tyler saw the upset in his eyes.  
"No no it's fine, is everything okay?"  
"I just, um, I was wondering whether I could ask a favour?"   
"Anything."   
"Could you write something down for me?"  
"Write?" Tyler echoed. "Um, yeah, yeah sure."  
"Thanks."  
"We'll be right back beautiful." They whispered to their half asleep girlfriend, kissing her on the cheek then rolling out of bed and following Josh into the kitchen.

Josh still couldn't read or write. In spite of Miss Draper's efforts back in high school, he'd dropped out due to mental health and had never bothered with any further education at home. Up until a few months ago it hadn't been mentioned again, but at Josh's request Debby had found a tutor nearby and, perhaps a little surprisingly for everyone, he had made a tiny bit of progress. Sentences were still a no go, but he was now very very good at recognising the letter J and knowing his name began with it. Everyone was very proud, including Josh of himself, but Tyler knew that he couldn't write whatever he had in mind.

They followed Josh, noting how their friend was anxiously pulling at his fingers whilst Tyler pulled out a sheet of paper and a pen from the kitchen drawer then set it down against the island. With a quick scribble of the pen to check it was working, they looked up at Josh expectantly.   
"So, what do you need written down?"  
"I just, uh, I need to remember some stuff and I don't want to forget it."  
"Yeah that's okay, what stuff?"  
"Debby stuff." Josh said to his feet and Tyler couldn't help but sigh.   
"Josh-"  
"I know it won't bring her back, I just, I," he stammered. "I miss her, a-and, and I want to remember."  
"Okay." Tyler nodded.  
"Okay?"  
"Yeah, okay, we understand, our parts miss her too, James, Lily, Willow, Cassie, me. We miss her."  
"It felt, um, felt like everyone else already moved on, like she wasn't here and she never even mattered." He whispered sadly and Tyler's stomach sank. They set the pen down and moved across to their best mate, not knowing exactly how to hug him since he didn't seem to notice the offer, but eventually just wrapped their arms around him and waited until he melted into them.

"She mattered. She matters. She will always matter." Tyler told him without a shadow of doubt, and held him as he took a few shaky breaths. He wasn't sure whether Josh was about to have a panic attack, this was usually how they ended, or whether he was going to keep himself together to some degree. Either way Tyler would be there, just like they always were for him and just like he always was for them.

"Okay, okay, okay okay okay," Josh nodded after a minute, stepping out of the hug and shaking his arms out for a moment before climbing onto a stool and waiting for them to do the same. They did, picking the pen up again and poising ready to write.

"So what's this list then? Things about her? Little details?"  
"It's um, no I won't forget those, this is things about why she went."  
"Which you found out how exactly?"  
"Mix of investigation and coincidence, but please Ty, I, I need this written down."  
"We'll write it." They reassured him, fully aware that Josh could lose it at any moment and not wanting to be the trigger. "First thing?"

 

 

  
"So this guy, Joaquin Sanchez,"  
"The Snake."  
"Yeah, what does Josh think Debby did to upset him?" Jenna asked, reading the list whilst Josh showered.   
"He's not sure, and he's not sure he wants to know. Seems bad." Tyler sighed.   
"It's just, it's mad to think that she had all of this going on and she never told any of us, never even let up for a moment." Jenna sighed too, running a hand through her hair as she flipped the piece of paper over and began reading the other side.

"Baby I don't quite understand this bit, what does it mean about the tattoo shop?"  
"It's fake, it's a front."  
"But he got his tattoo there? It's real, they're really tattoo artists."  
"Yeh, presumably they just train them up or something, he wasn't quite sure of the details. Basically it's owned by this gang group thing that Lucius is in and it means that all the people who need hiding can just get a job without background checks or suspicion or whatever."  
"Does that mean that the guys, Booth, Henk, Sailor, they're all gang members too?"  
"Presumably." Tyler shrugged. "And they've changed their names by the way, Sailor's called Tango and Henk's called Lewis. Booth didn't say."  
"Jesus." She sighed yet again, putting the page down unable to continue reading.

"Is hers a fake? Is she even called Debby or is that an alias too?"  
"Don't put that idea in his head, it hadn't crossed his mind as far as we're concerned and we honestly don't think he could take it." They told her.  
"No I won't, don't worry, it's only a thought."  
"Scary thought though."  
"Yeah. Did we actually even know her?"  
"We never suspected a thing and Andrew is paranoid as hell and Johnny would have remembered anything suspicious. If she was acting, she was bloody good at it."

"All those stories, I wonder whether any of them are true."  
"She was so convincing." Tyler agreed, sitting back down next to her. "But you know, no matter how good an actress she may be, nobody could fake being in love that well."  
"No, no that was real. And leaving him behind? Well, I could never bring myself to do that." Jenna told Ty, stroking their hand fondly and making them smile a little sadly.  
"Shows how much danger she must be in."  
"Bless. Do you think we should get church to pray for her?"  
"No. We can pray, but we don't think that telling loads and loads of people is going to do Debby any favours. She didn't even want Josh to know, let alone an entire church. And just think, so many people we thought were innocent turned out to be wrapped up in this crazy gang thing, we don't know who we can trust. Maybe saying the wrong thing in front of the wrong person might lead to some seriously bad repercussions. Let's just, you know, be safe rather than be sorry."  
"Okay baby." Jenna nodded then sighed for maybe the hundredth time.

"And how are the others coping? Do they want to come out and voice some feelings maybe? Get them off their chests?"   
"Nobody's volunteering to come forwards for a change."  
"Strange."  
"Yeah, guess they're still processing." Tyler shrugged. "The littleones have been missing her a lot, crying sometimes, and Willow's been feeling quite down but she doesn't wanna talk."  
"Do the littleones? I can deal with crying, or alternatively we can play a game together or something, might be fun? Or a distraction at least."  
"Hey guys, I'm uh, I'm heading out but I'll see you later." Josh half entered the room before they had an opportunity to answer. Jenna casually hid the piece of paper that she wasn't meant to be reading and did a good job since he didn't seem to notice.

"Out? Where are you going? You said Trent was covering all your sessions today."   
"Yeh no he is, I'm just, I'm just going for fresh air."  
"Oh that's fortunate, we were just saying how Lilly and James could do with a run around." Jenna lied believably.   
"I, I wasn't really thinking about the park."  
"Well air's air." She shrugged. "3 minutes and then we'll be ready to come too?"  
"I'm not about to kill myself Jenna."  
"Josh I wasn't insinuating that."  
"But you don't think I can be alone."  
"It's not that you can't, it's that you shouldn't."   
"She's right Josh, and if you can't see that then you're not well enough to be alone right now." Tyler backed her up but Josh just sighed.

"Look, I'm meeting up with Joel, alright?"  
"Why not just say that then?"  
"Because we're gonna go see Jordan, and I knew you'd tell me it's a bad idea."  
"Josh-"  
"Here we go." He sighed and Tyler felt genuinely upset, and Jenna knew it.  
"Josh think about what you're saying and who you're pushing away and who you're hurting."  
"I'm not pushing anyone away! I just want to see my brother."  
"Why now? It's been 5 years." Tyler said.   
"You know why now."  
"Tell us."  
"Because he's going to die Tyler, okay? He could die at any minute and if I never got to see him because I was sat around here doing fuck all then how exactly am I suppose to live with myself?" He scoffed and Tyler had no idea where this aggression had suddenly come from.

"Look, you've got this perfect family with perfect parents and perfect siblings and everything's so fucking perfect, but that doesn't mean you love your siblings any better than I love mine."  
"We never said anything even remotely-"  
"You think you're so much better at loving people than I am!"  
"We don't."  
"Yes you fucking do!" Josh spat, kicking the door frame and scaring the system. Anger was always a trigger.   
"Josh, please, control yourself, Tyler can't and shouldn't have to deal with this." Jenna warned him whilst squeezing Tyler's hand tightly.

"I don't need you telling me what the fuck to do, I fucking hate you both."  
"Josh where has all this aggression suddenly come from?"  
"What you mean other than the fact that my parents are manipulative cunts and my family despise me and my brother's about to fucking die and my girlfriend left me and-" Josh stopped for a moment as the hate turned to tears. "A-and my best friends are talking about me behind my back." He squeaked quietly whilst looking at the ceiling and blinking away tears.  
"Josh,"  
"I heard you, okay? Leaving him behind, well, I could never bring myself to do that." Josh quoted Jenna. "I get it, you guys are a better couple than us, you love each other more, you love each other better, you, you'd never run away from each other and y-you kn-know each other's names."  
"Josh," Tyler sighed again, standing up and giving him a hug as he broke down into the crook of their neck and wept. It was different from their first hug of the morning, Josh wasn't able to hold anything in or anything back. Tyler could feel the pain he was in, but knew they would never truly understand how this felt, and that was the hardest part. Josh was completely alone in this.

"So-rry,"  
"No we're sorry," Jenna apologised as Tyler let go of their best friend. "I didn't mean anything by it, genuinely,"  
"And we all also said that she really loved you Josh."  
"Loved."  
"Loves," Tyler corrected themselves. "Which means this has got to be Hell for her as well."  
"She was a fake, it was all fake."  
"It wasn't J," Jenna said quietly.   
"But Josh, if it makes it easier to let go, to get through this alive, then you're allowed to hate her. You're allowed to be angry and pissed off. You're allowed to think bad things about her as long as you don't think bad things about yourself."

 

 

  
Eventually Josh got an Uber to the heart clinic, Crossroads, and waited outside under the tree where they agreed to meet for about 5 minutes. Joel hadn't turned up yet but that was okay, gave him more time to think.

Thinking was scary. It was scary because everything was scary because he didn't know what was happening or what was going to happen and that was scary. Everything with Debby had distracted him from Jordan but it wasn't a particularly nice distraction and it meant that all the thoughts that would have been difficult if processed over a large span of time were now condensed into only a few minutes and honestly Josh was on the verge of a panic attack.

He had meds for this, but recently his taking of them had been rather sporadic. Whilst he was out searching for Debby he had missed a ton of doses and once Tyler had tried to settle him down he had struggled to remember to take them then either. Josh was fairly certain he'd taken them that morning but all the ups and downs had messed everything up and he was panicky regardless.

Thankfully Josh looked up and saw Joel walking towards him, and the smile on his face instantly calmed the swirling shit storm within to a certain degree.   
"Hey buddy,"  
"Hey," Josh said, quickly hugging him. "Thanks for coming,"  
"Course, I was gonna come see him soon anyway, and I'm happy to help out a friend. How are you? Feeling better after what happened at the baseball field?"  
"Urm," he sighed as he scratched his arm and tried to think how exactly to answer that question. "I'm obviously not, uh, not 100%, but I need to do this."  
"Yeh I understand. Ready to go in now or need some more time?"  
"No, I'm uh, I'm as ready as I'll ever be." Josh decided and Joel flashed him a smile then lead the way towards the entrance.

Typical Duns, Crossroads was the best of the best. Even the automatic doors were unnecessarily fancy, the logo on the glass that was framed by chrome and lead to yet another set of automatic doors only a few metres later. In between them was a water fountain and Josh couldn't stop staring at it as he followed Joel over to the desk.

"Good afternoon sir, how can I help you?" The woman, dressed in a skirt suit despite it being a hospital, said.  
"Hello, me and my buddy are here to visit a patient."  
"Okay, can I ask their name please?"  
"Jordan Dun,"  
"Certainly." She smiled as she typed something into her computer. "And your names?"  
"Joel Lodge."  
"Okay, ah, you're already in the system, perfect. And you sir?"  
"Josh Dun." He told her and waited as she typed it in. It took her a moment longer that Joel, and Josh wasn't sure whether his name was longer or not because he'd never seen either of them written down, but the frown that appeared on her face spoilt the illusion.  
"I'm sorry sir, something's come up, let me just enquire further." She said apologetically and picked up the phone, punching in a number quickly. Josh threw Joel a worried glance but he whispered generically that it was fine and nothing to worry about.

"Hi Smithers, yeah I'm having a slight issue down at reception, I've inserted a visitor's name and it's flagged up as blacklisted." The receptionist kept her voice low but Josh's heart pounded. "Hmm, right, let me just ask - sir, do you have a criminal record?"  
"No,"  
"He said no. Hmm, yes, right, right okay, so should I contact the patient's next of kin to query it? No, okay. Thank you Smithers, bye." She put the phone down.

"Sir I'm afraid I'm not able to give you access to the clinic, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."  
"What?!" Joel snapped.  
"Mr Lodge you're welcome to visit Jordan, however unfortunately Mr Dun you do need to leave the property."  
"Why?!"  
"I'm not at liberty to discuss it."  
"His brother is desperately ill and you're seriously gonna deny him the chance to see him?!"  
"Please Mr Lodge, keep your voice down, this is a medical facility and we do not tolerate aggression."  
"Fuck that-"  
"Joel it's fine." Josh sighed and walked away, walked passed the water fountain again and back out to his prior seat on the bench where he had been seated only moments ago.

He sat alone for a few seconds, processing what had just happened and what that would mean, before Joel joined him practically reaking of anger.

"What the actual fuck?!"  
"My parents." Josh knew exactly what had happened. "They barred me."  
"They can't fucking do that?! You're a fucking adult! He's almost a fucking adult! This is bullshit!"  
"Joel,"  
"I've got half a mind to get my fucking lawyer on the phone because this- this, they can't do this! It's discrimination or um, or abuse of power or something!"  
"Joel,"  
"They can't just get away with this! You've got rights, you must have rights, or, or Jordan's got to say he doesn't want to see you, and I'll speak to him first, make sure he says yes, yeh, I'll get him to give you permission."  
"Joel please!" Josh finally cried out and the chef realised that the younger was crying. He let out a sigh then sat down next to Josh on the bench and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"I'm sorry,"  
"S'ok,"  
"No it's not, somehow I managed to make this about me, I'm sorry Josh, truly, I'm sorry. But if it's what you want then I promise I'll find a way to communicate with Jordan, pass on a message or something." He calmed down and spoke softly.   
"I just, I, I wanted to do this one thing, only one thing, and I couldn't even do this properly."  
"That's not your fault, okay Josh? Not your fault."  
"But it must be, mustn't it?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"All this shit, everything, there's gotta be a reason why it's happening to me." He murmured numbly as he stared straight ahead.   
"Because your parents are assholes."  
"My girlfriend's not an asshole though,"  
"Your girlfriend? Debby? Do you want me to call her to come and collect you?" Joel understandably didn't catch on, but that didn't stop Josh from letting out a small sob.

"She-sh-she, she left m-me,"  
"What?" He said confused. "I spoke to her this morning an-"  
"You spoke to her!" Josh said in shock, tears racing and heart pounding. "Please! Please, y-you, you have to let me speak to h-her,"  
"I mean yeh, sure, want me to call her?"  
"Ye-esss!" He wept whilst Joel pulled out his phone and tapped a few things then put it in his shaking hand.  
"It's ringing." Joel told him and Josh could barely nod he was so close to a panic attack, but somehow managed to raise it to his ear and hold it for what felt like an eternity.

"Hello?" A man answered and Josh's heart was shattered. "Hello??"  
"Debby?" He squeaked and the line went dead immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today was my last day of exams so now I'm on summer, at laaaast. Which means tonnes more updates to come soon xx


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM!

Light and dark. Day and night. Hot and cold. Black and white. Love and loss.

A glint of silver and a drop of red.

A sink that can only hold so much, a plug sealed soundly, a tap running running running and a level rising rising rising. A sink can only hold so much. A sink only holds so much before it spills over. The sink was running over and it was all too much.

Everything flowed over, the water crashing down over the edge and bouncing against the white linoleum floor like an almighty waterfall cleansing the basin of every inch of pressure and releasing all tension into the growing pool below.

The growing pool below was red and the source was not a tap. His capacity was large but his burdens larger, and a person can only hold so much before it all comes crashing down.

His waterfall was not water.

"Josh?"  
"One minute." Josh murmured quietly, too engaged in the task at hand to be truthful with his best friend on the other side of the locked bathroom door.  
"Is everything alright?"  
"Yep," he hummed through gritted teeth as he drew another line to run parallel to the one below. Hmm, the one below was a little too shallow, needed correcting, needed deepening.

"Josh, we thought we agreed no locked doors bud, at least not right now." Tyler called calmly and perhaps a little obliviously.   
"I'm in the bathroom Ty, can I have some privacy please?"  
"What are you doing in there?"  
"Shower."  
"The water's not on J,"  
"Cos I'm talking to you." Josh spoke on autopilot with his true intentions on the way he gripped the blade that traced his wounds.  
"Well we'd feel a little better if you just undid the lock before you hop in."  
"I'm fine Ty,"  
"So it's not an issue to just slide the lock." Tyler started to sound a little more concerned.

"It's not a big deal Josh, we're not gonna come in and see you or anything, it's just, well, yanno,"  
"Do I? Do I know?"   
"Josh? What's going on?"  
"Shower."  
"What's really going on?" They asked. "Y-you're not, you're not hurting yourself are you?"  
"I said I'm fine, can I just shower in peace please?"  
"Answer the question."  
"Leave me alone."  
"Answer the question Josh."  
"Oh will you just fuck off Tyler? This is my house, I pay your rent, I can do the fuck I like in it." Josh hissed bitterly before filling with regret because now there was no way Tyler was going to leave him to it.

"We'll pick the lock."  
"It's a bolt genius, good luck." He sighed, starting a new cut and biting his bottom lip to cope with the pain.   
"We'll knock it down."  
"Have fun with that."

"Ty baby what's going on?" He heard a feminine voice say.   
"He's locked in, hurting himself."  
"Alright go and sit down, don't panic, I'll deal with this."   
"Please Jenna-"  
"You'll help exactly nobody if you get triggered, so do Josh and yourselves a favour and go and let Lilly do a jigsaw."  
"But we don't want to leave him."  
"Tyler the longer I'm talking to you, the longer Josh is in there alone. Sweetheart, go and sit." She said and Josh didn't hear Tyler again so presumed it must have worked.

"Josh I'm going straight in with a low blow here, you ready?"  
"Fire away." Josh sighed as he wiped away some blood with his already stained fingers to clear more room.   
"Debby would be so upset by this."  
"Damn Jenna, that is low." He chuckled to stop himself crying.  
"Well you can't say I didn't warn you." She said. "Have you got a blade?"  
"I have."  
"Have you used it?"  
"I have."  
"Are you gonna let me take care of the cuts?"  
"Jenna what do you think it would take for me to get admitted to hospital?"  
"ER or a psychiatric ward?"  
"Psych."  
"Well considering you've got the funds, I'd say all it would take is you turning up and asking to be admitted." Jenna replied. "Why Josh? Do you want to go into hospital for a little while? Because if you need help with the self harm urges or any other urges you might be having, we'll support you in getting hospitalised."  
"No no," he shook his head and inspected the silver blade in his hand and admiring the angle of the glint, wondering whether to shove it back into his thigh again.

"Josh, can I come in?"   
"No no."  
"You're repeating yourself darling, by choice or because you've lost a lot of blood?"  
"Choice." He sighed, looking around at the spillage that covered the floor. Eh, pathetic really.

"Gonna open up for me?"   
"Physically or metaphorically?" Josh laughed like a sadist as blood trickled down his leg.   
"Both sweetie, but I wanna come in first, can you open the door?"  
"I can."  
"Will you?"  
"Nahhhh,"  
"Josh."  
"Jenna."  
"Sweetheart you need help, alright? You need help with feeling better, but first of all you need help to patch up your cuts. You gonna let me do that for you Josh?"  
"I like em."

"You gonna let me patch them up?"  
"I don't want you to."  
"I know you don't want to J, are you gonna let me do it anyway?"  
"Do I have to?"  
"Yes."  
"Why do I have to?"  
"Because I'm telling you."  
"Ohhhh," Josh sulked as his head span. Maybe he had lost a lot of blood.

"Jenna."  
"Yes sweetie? I'm still here."  
"Jenna you can come in."  
"Thank you Josh, but I need you to do the lock." She said through the door but Josh didn't understand and he didn't understand why the world was so so dizzy all of a sudden.  
"Lock?"  
"Yeah, the bolt darling."  
"Oh," he looked over at the door with fuzzy fuzzy vision.   
"Can you do it?"  
"I, I, I, think so."   
"I think you can too. If you're dizzy then keep one hand on the wall." She instructed and so he did, smearing the red stuff on the tiles until he could reach the tiny weeny funny looking golden knob on the door and push it across.

"Alright Josh, alright, I've got you, good job, alright, shhh," Jenna swooped him up in a tight hug and helped him back down to the ground.

 

 

Andrew couldn't help but watch from the door of the guest bedroom that Josh had slept in last night as Jenna wrapped up his self harm wounds. After all he was the protector, he had to protect Tyler and the littleones and especially Cassie from the trigger, but more than that, he had to protect Josh. Josh was equally as important to the system as the members of the system themselves, he was, well, he was their best friend and seeing him in the state he was was truly terrifying.

"Drew darling, you're gonna tread a hole into the floor at this rate, no need to pace." Jenna hummed as she worked. Josh was sat on a towel on his bed whilst she knelt on the floor beside him, wiping the cuts clean then securing them under gauze. That and occasionally squeezing Josh's hand to keep him conscious.

"I'm fine."  
"Oh fuck off, bullshit are you fine." Andrew snapped at Josh whilst scratching the back of their head and continuing to pace back and forth.   
"Drew, who are you helping by swearing?" Jenna asked quietly without even looking up from Josh's thigh.  
"Who are we hurting?!"  
"Well I for one am not a massive fan, can't imagine Lilly and James are either, and whilst we're at it I doubt Willow or Cassie or Tyler are particularly fond."  
"Shut up Jenna." They hissed, knowing full well she was right. She wasn't supposed to be right, she wasn't supposed to be the one protecting the others, he was the one supposed to be protecting the others.

"Josh," she said gently and Andrew saw he had spaced out again. "Josh, stay with us sweetie, come on, stay with us or I'm gonna have to take you to ER."   
"Imfiine,"  
"Well now's the time to prove it Josh, stay with me."  
"I, I-sed I fine!" He tried to push her away but Andrew walked forwards and immediately grabbed each of his wrists tightly and forced him to look at them.  
"Oi, listen up, you do not touch her, you understand?"  
"Andrew." Jenna warned.  
"Do. Not. Touch. Her."  
"Le-go," Josh huffed and snatched his arms back.   
"Andrew please darling, just leave him be." Their girlfriend sighed as Andrew stormed back to their post in the doorframe.

"I wanna, I wanna go 'ome."  
"Home? Josh you are home darling." Jenna said concerned.   
"Ta'e me 'ome!"  
"Josh you're at home, you're in the guest bedroom." She told him. "Do you know where you are?"  
"No,"  
"Do you know who I am?"   
"No,"  
"Do you know my name?"   
"No," he shook his head.  
"Hmm, alrighty then Josh, let's get you home."   
"What?" Andrew said confused as Jenna wrapped her arms around Josh and helped the delirious and clearly still dizzy man to his feet. She ignored the question whilst she helped Josh stagger out of the bedroom and towards the living room, leaning him against the couch.

"Just wait here a moment Josh, I'll grab my keys and a fresh towel for you to sit on in the car." She told him and walked over to get the items, Andrew following closely.  
"What are you doing?"  
"He's not well and he's only getting worse, I've done my best and I think we need proper help now, I'm taking him to the hospital."

 

 

  
Whilst the nurse was seeing to Josh in the cubicle, his friends had to stay out in the waiting room and try not to torture themselves too much. Willow had quickly rushed out on a resources run but came back to see Jenna half asleep on one of the chairs.

"Oh there you are," she looked up to see them.   
"Hey, sorry, just went and grabbed these from the store across the street. Thought you might feel better if we clean you up a little." Willow smiled, taking out a pack of tissues and bottle of water, then dampening one of them and passing it across to Jenna.  
"Thank you," she said, using it to wipe away the blood that had dried in the beds of her nails and the sides of her fingers.

"Here, let us." Willow insisted, whipping up another makeshift wipe and cleaning her other hand as she watched silently. They didn't want to press too hard and risk hurting her, but they wanted Josh's blood off just as much as she did.   
"Thanks Willow,"  
"You holding up okay?" They asked, setting aside the red tissues and wrapping an arm around their girlfriend.   
"Ehh," she forced a sad smile that broke their heart.   
"He'll be alright Jen, the nurse will make him better we promise."  
"I know, it's just, just,"  
"Just what darling?"  
"I miss Debby,"   
"Oh honey, oh, oh don't cry," Willow hushed her as she let out a small sob.   
"I'm s-sorry,"  
"Shhh, it's okay, shhshh,"

"She, she just left Willow! I didn't even get to say goodbye, she's my best friend and n-now what? How's J-osh supposed to c-cope? Do I ever see h-her a-again? What are we sup-posed to do?" She exclaimed tearfully. "Sorry, sorry I know you can't bring her back, I'm sorry for putting you in an impossible situation."  
"Hey hey hey, don't apologise honey, get it all off your chest and then we'll come up with a solution we promise."  
"Can, c-can I talk to Ty please?"  
"Tyler? He's not doing so well Jen, let me help instead, please, I want to help."  
"Not doing well? What's go-ing on with him?"   
"He's just worried about Josh and now you. He didn't want me to tell you that, so now he's mad too."   
"Please Willow, I, I just want some boyfriend girlfriend time with him, y-you can help by, by looking after the littleones?"  
"Sure sweetheart?"  
"Sure." Jenna repeated, so Willow sighed a little and focused on staring at the row of seats opposite them and tried to coax Tyler out. The host was panicked and scared and didn't want to let anyone else down so it took a long stretch of time before they could all convince him to take control, but eventually he did.

"Ty?"  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded, tears already filling their eyes.  
"I love you baby," Jenna sniffed, leaning into their side as they wrapped their arm tighter around her shoulder and pulling her closer before kissing the top of her blonde head.  
"Love you too, so much."  
"I'm sorry for pulling you out, I know you don't want to front."  
"If it makes you feel better, it's worth it." They reassured her quietly with another kiss.

"I'm scared."  
"For Josh?"  
"Yeh." Jenna murmured.   
"Us too."  
"He, um, when I was talking to him through the door, he mentioned getting hospitalised."   
"Hospital? Wow, okay."  
"What do you think?"  
"Well, well if we're honest, it's just been one slip up right? No need to make rash decisions." Tyler replied.   
"But, and I might be wrong, I've just be wondering about everything he's been thinking about Debby. Do you think it's real?"  
"Huh? We were there when she left, she was definitely running from something, that was real."  
"What about the rest though Ty? I mean you know what he was like when he first moved in with you, paranoid, kept thinking everyone was working for his parents to hurt him. It's why he dropped out of high school, too scared of the teachers spying on him and reporting back. Maybe, it's just a thought, but maybe all these 'clues' he keeps finding are just symptoms of something diagnosable?"  
"In his head you mean?"  
"Yeh, some sort of paranoid psychosis?"  
"Hmm," they thought to themselves.

"Just think about it, last time he started getting paranoid was after the massive blow up with his family which was obviously a really emotional time for him. Debby leaving, again a really emotional time for him, maybe this is another paranoid episode. He's obviously not well mentally, it's why we're here, perhaps this is something that would benefit from spending some time in hospital."  
"You think he's really sick, don't you?"  
"Yes." Jenna nodded and wiped a tear.  
"What? Schizophrenia or something? Like all the people he talked to were hallucinations?"  
"Hallucinations or delusions, yeh, not sure about schizophrenia but I think a professional in a hospital is gonna stand a better chance at accurately diagnosing him."

"Family of Josh Dun?"  
"Hi, us, hello," Jenna waved at the doctor, standing up and pulling Tyler alongside her.  
"Family?"  
"Roommates, he's estranged from his family." She explained as he lead the way to a private area down the corridor and close to the cubicles Josh had been taken to.

"How is he?" Tyler asked first.   
"Stable. We decided he didn't need a blood transfusion but we gave him an IV and that helped him regain some strength; he's had stitches and pressure bandages applied and the dressings will need to be changed daily, but he's doing well and he's ready to go home. However before I discharge him, I do need to discuss the fact that his injuries are self inflicted."  
"Right,"  
"When it comes to self harm patients, I'm looking for the triple S, safe stable and supportive home environments, can you offer him that?"  
"Yes. He sees a therapist already and takes antidepressants and anxiety meds, he's just had a relapse today. We'll watch him closer from now on." Jenna answered.

"And he keeps asking for someone called Debby? Can you help him with that?"  
"Ex girlfriend." Tyler sighed.  
"Recently broke up, but Doc, honestly we'll look after him. Can we see him please?" Jenna squeezed their hand.   
"Of course, I'll grab the discharge paperwork, he's just down there in the last cubicle."  
"Thank you sir," she said then began walking towards the blue curtain with Tyler by her side.

"See, Debby again, he's delirious," their girlfriend whispered.   
"He's unwell Jen."  
"Maybe in more ways than one, that's all I'm saying."

She stopped talking as they reached the bed and pulled back the curtain to where Josh was sat. He was playing with his red crusted nails and looked the epitome of all sadness as he made brief eye contact with Tyler, quickly looking away. There was a little more colour in his face and tight bandages around both his thighs, but other than that he didn't look much different from when he first came out of the bathroom.

"Hey Josh, how you feeling?"  
"Peachy." He mumbled. "Get me out of here."   
"Yep we're gonna take you home any minute now, the doctor has just gone to get the papers."  
"And before you start, no, I don't want to talk about this."   
"Well we're going to one day but-" Jenna began saying before he interrupted her.   
"I said no! If you make me talk then I'll just do it again!"  
"Josh if you're saying you're planning to hurt yourself again then we can't take you home darling. The doctor is only going to discharge you if you're safe."  
"And I am safe unless you attempt to talk to me." He growled and Tyler had to work very hard to keep Andrew at bay.

"You live with us Josh, we care for you, we're going to talk to you." Jenna sighed.  
"Care for me? Pff, great fucking job." He scoffed and gestured to his thighs, and Andrew couldn't take it any longer.   
"Oi, listen up you ungrateful shit, she fucking works her ass off to look after us all and that's no way to fucking speak to her. You've only been treated because of her, asshole, and you'll only be going home thanks to her because there's no fucking way we're doing shit for you anymore."  
"Oh yeah because you do sooo much for me. Ha. You're fucking hilarious."  
"Guys stop it! Stop it!" Jenna snapped tearfully and Andrew's scowl relaxed as she wrapped her arm around their waist and pulled them back from the bedside.

"Listen up, okay, everyone listen to me. I know I can do more, I know I can, but you have to want me to. If you're going to let me help then I'm more than happy to do that, I'll apply for a leave of absence from school and I'll take more time to look after you both, but not if you're going to fight me over it." She calmed down but still seemed afraid. "Josh I can keep a closer eye on you, you just have to promise not to spit on me whilst I'm doing."  
"I don't need you Jenna." Josh rolled his eyes.   
"They're not letting you leave without her consent. Kinda seems like you need her." Andrew muttered.   
"I'll do the fuck I like! I'm fine! I don't need either of you!"  
"You're fine?! Josh you're in a fucking hospital because you tried to carve through your fucking legs, in what fucking universe are you fine?!"  
"I'm only here because she dragged me! I wouldn't need her to discharge me if she never fucking admitted me in the first place!"

"Do you even know why you're fighting?? Do you?? Because this is ridiculous, you're best friends guys, you need each other right now." Jenna said desperately.   
"I don't need anyone."  
"Yes you do Josh! You both do. I'll tell you something now, alright? Josh you're scared and you're not coping well with Debby leaving, and Andrew your system doesn't cope well with any sort of change and this is a momentous one. You're both struggling and rather than leaning on each other like usual, you're tearing each other apart! I don't understand why? You need each other now."  
"I don't need anyone except Debby. She's coming back for me, I know she is, she's coming back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmm, is Josh a reliable source of info??? Hmmm, I wonder who knows... hmmmm


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW on this chapter xx

"So, Tyler, what you said about Josh maybe going into hospital, you didn't seem very taken by the idea - why's that?" Louise asked after they finished explaining the events of the previous day. She was a good therapist, not only because Josh had funded a very well qualified professional, but also because she was nice. It was that simple really, she was nice to them, never pushed too far or judged too harshly, was always patient and always understanding.

"He's our friend, we'd miss him." They shrugged.  
"You know you can visit patients on a psychiatric unit, right? You could go and see him everyday if you wanted, at least that's what it was like on the ward I used to work on."  
"Mmm,"  
"Is it the change Ty? Going from 3 roommates to now just Jenna?"  
"We don't mind, we love Jen." They shrugged again.  
"I'm not doubting that, I'm just aware that you're not massive fans of change." She said but they didn't reply. "We once spent an hour long session helping you come to terms with getting a new oven."  
"Yeh but that was scary, it, all our food goes in there, it could have been dangerous, it, it- okay, we get what you mean." Tyler sighed and rubbed their face.

"It wouldn't be permanent, he'd come home and he'd be so much happier, which will make home a nicer place for you to be."  
"He's fine."  
"Is he?"  
"Yeh, it's just a few cuts, he's fine."  
"Tyler, most people would say that self harm suggests someone isn't fine."  
"Everyone hurts themselves sometimes."  
"Everyone? Do you mean your alters?"  
"We meant externals. You, Josh, Jenna, everyone."  
"Me? I've never self harmed Tyler." Louise said.  
"But you must have hurt yourself, like Jenna's always walking into stuff, stubbing her toes,"  
"Tyler, there's a difference between hurting yourself accidentally and deliberate self injury. You understand that, right? Or do you want to talk about it?"

"He's fine." Tyler ignored the question as they pulled a hangnail.  
"Why?"  
"Huh?"  
"Why is it so important to you that he's fine?"  
"He's our best friend."  
"If you say he's fine, does that automatically make it true then Ty?"  
"You don't understand."  
"Correct." Louise nodded without hesitation. "Will you explain it to me? Because I could keep guessing all day and never get it, and I do think this is something we should talk about."  
"Why?"  
"Because it's clearly something important to you, and if it's important then it's helpful to discuss it so that we can both understand you and your thoughts better." She explained but they didn't look up at her.

"It's just cuts, you know? Like we've cut, we didn't go into hospital."  
"Right," Louise listened, putting her notebook down to concentrate more.  
"He um, he-" Tyler tried to decide whether to spit the fire burning in their chest. "It's just not fair."  
"What do you mean?" She asked calmly.  
"Why should he get to go into hospital?!"  
"Go on."  
"We used to cut ourselves every single day, used to hear voices, hallucinate, we split into 9 people for fuck sake." They got more and more upset. "I got raped, Louise, I got raped and I tried to kill myself 3 times and never got to go into hospital because our parents couldn't afford it. Why should he get access to mental health care just because he's got fucking money?! Where the justice in that?! What, he's rich so his life is worth saving more than ours?! It's not fucking fair!"  
"Alright Ty," Louise let them settle, but they couldn't.

"No! No it's not alright! The system is fucked and it's rigged against us and Josh doesn't fucking care! He's feeling a bit sad and so he's whisking himself off to a retreat, whereas we had to fucking fight every single second of every single day to get where we are. We still do! It's been Hell and half the time we still wonder whether it's worth it, and he doesn't care!"  
"That's why you don't want him to go into hospital?"  
"Uh huh." They nodded, legs bouncing angrily.

"Tyler, do you think that because you've had to fight so hard, everyone else should have to fight too? Josh is your best friend, don't you want better for him than what you had to endure?" Louise said but they didn't justify it with a response. "Should he suffer because you had to? Would that make you feel better?"  
"Don't twist our words."  
"I don't think I am Tyler." She hummed but again they said nothing. "Okay here's your possible outcomes guys. 1, Josh goes into hospital and you stay home, and I help you come to terms with that. 2, Josh doesn't get admitted and stays home with you, and maybe gets better by himself or potentially gets worse. 3, Josh goes into hospital and so do you, and you finally receive the intensive inpatient treatment program you were denied all those years ago."

 

 

  
Usually Jenna waited outside in the car to pick them up from therapy, but since Debby had disappeared it meant she had to juggle caring for them both. Because Josh was deemed to be the more imminent risk, she had stayed home to watch over him and so Tyler caught the bus alone.

Although he had aged, James hadn't and still became too excited over the prospect of driving. That plus the fact that Lilly and Willow and Michael had no experience in the driver's seat and were therefore unpredictable meant Tyler and Jenna were in agreement with Tyler's parents that they shouldn't learn to drive. Instead they relied on lifts and public transport, and usually it wasn't an issue, however after an emotional session all they wanted was to see Jenna's face.

After a small cry on the bus and then a long glare at the judgemental grandma opposite, they got off at their stop and half walked half jogged along the sidewalk then quickly ducked into the apartment block lobby. One of their neighbours from the floor below was getting her mail but the last thing Tyler wanted to do was stop and chat, so immediately sprinted past her and up the stairs. They had the penthouse apartment of an 8 storey building but their desperation to see Jenna meant the 16 flights flew past and it didn't take long at all for them to reach the apartment door. The key was quickly shoved in and access was quickly granted.

"Jen?"  
"In here darling!" She called back muffled and they tracked the sound until they found her knelt by the bathroom door next to Josh and Debby's old room. With another glance they realised she held a screwdriver in her hand and was removing the lock from the door. Wise move.  
"Good plan."  
"Thanks sweetie. Was thinking of taking them all off in each of the bathrooms, but do you want to keep ours in case you need a safe lock-in room?"  
"Take it." They whispered, and at last Jenna looked up from her task.  
"Oh baby, my red-eyed Ty, tough session?"  
"Yeh," Tyler just about managed to nod before needing to squeeze their lips tight to stop themselves crying. Jenna put down her tools and offered them her hand, then lead the way to the comforting corner cushions of the couch and nestled down beside them.

"We don't have to talk about it, just know that I love you and I'm very very proud of you."  
"You w-wouldn't be proud if you knew what we said." They squeaked before beginning to let out a series of sobs.  
"Sweetheart if you spoke the truth and if you managed to say something difficult then I think I have every reason to be proud of you." She stroked their hair fondly. "These sessions, they're not about proving you're a good person Tyler, I already know that you are, they're about helping you through the bad thoughts and the bad ideas. Thinking bad things doesn't mean you're bad, okay?"  
"It was so bad."  
"It changes nothing." Jenna reassured them then gently placed a kiss on their temple with her soft lips. "I still love you unbelievable amounts."

"We hate Tyler,"  
"I know you do sweetheart, but I love you, I love you so much. You wanna know why?" She said and they wanted to scream yes and beg for every compliment to fill the cracks that had formed today, but they were frozen. "Tyler's my first and only love, Tyler's my best friend, Tyler's the kindest and sweetest and most caring person I've ever met. He's patient and he's strong and he's so freaking brave, the bravest person I've ever met too. He's braver than he gives himself credit for and he's overcome so much and he makes me proud every single time I get to see him, and even when he goes away, the feelings for him in my heart stay the same. I love him and I love that he's honest in therapy, and nothing's going to change that."  
"I just get so tired Jen, everything's a fight, and I wanna stay out because I know you like it, but it's just so draining. When I retreat I'm absolved of all responsibility, but when I'm out, things that happen are my fault."  
"Tyler, do you mean what happened with M is your fault?" Jenna asked calmly, thankfully not saying his name.  
"No." They said to a reception of relief. "But things that have happened since then, things that happened today, what I said about J, that was my fault. I can't blame that on anyone else, I have to face up to it because I'm out and I'm so tempted to just run away and let someone else sort out this mess."

"Sweetheart, your identity system is also your defence system. If you need protecting and sheltering from these feelings of guilt over what ever happened in therapy, then that's what the others are here for. You're allowed to need someone else to front."  
"It's my fault, why should they have to deal with it?"  
"They're better at forgetting, aren't they?" Jenna hummed, playing with their hair. "The littleones would be able to let it go, let them?"  
"But they don't let it go, it doesn't go away it just gets internalised and then adds to Blurry's anger."  
"His capacity's bigger than yours, he's not going to get overwhelmed I promise." She reassured them softly.  
"No,"

"So what are we gonna do Ty? Because you're upset and that's upsetting for me,"  
"Sorry."  
"No sweetheart, I didn't mean to guilt you further, I mean I want you to feel better and for us to come up with a plan on how to help that."  
"We just, we'll be fine,"  
"Eventually yes, in the long run you'll be completely fine, however if there's anything we can do to speed that up then I think we should." Jenna said and they sighed then mopped up their tears with their sleeve.

"Fresh air will, it would probably help." Tyler mumbled. "Might just go out on the fire escape for a minute."  
"Josh is out there at the moment."  
"Oh."  
"I can ask if he minds giving you a turn?"  
"It's fine, we'll just go out the bottom of the building."  
"Well I wanna go with you guys, keep you safe, but I don't think being that far away from Josh is a good idea right now." Jenna explained.

"We, uh, we just don't want another fight, don't think we can take it."  
"He's been quite volatile whilst you've been gone, snappy."  
"Do you think he's still angry at our system because he thinks we helped Debby leave?"  
"I think he's angry at the world and feels like everyone's against him. I also think that he's rightfully angry at Debby but doesn't want to admit that to himself because he loves and idolises her, so he's got a lot of pent up anger that he directs at the nearest target. But just know that none of it is deserved, okay? You've done nothing wrong."  
"Yeah,"  
"Love you."  
"Love you too." Tyler forced a smile. "Let's just see if he'll share."  
"Sure?"  
"Sure." They nodded, so Jenna stood up and waited as they too managed to motivate themselves to get off the couch and follow her through the apartment.

Tyler wasn't exactly sure whether they were nervous in case of more confrontation or aggression potentially triggering them, or whether the pounding in their heart was caused be a fear of Josh. Their best friend wasn't himself, maybe he was heartbroken, maybe he was grieving both his relationship and his brother, maybe he was hallucinating. None of the options even remotely settled the anxiety within.

"Hey J, is it alright if we come and sit out here too?" Jenna asked first as they climbed out onto the steel platform and saw Josh leaning against the rails.  
"Fuck off."  
"Please? Tyler would appreciate the fresh air."  
"This is my fucking apartment, I pay the rent, if you want a fire escape then be my guest to move out and fucking get your own place." Josh spat harshly.  
"Sorry babe, let's just try sitting by the window?" She turned to see Tyler with a look of defeat on her face, but Tyler wasn't going to run away that easily. It wasn't Andrew or Blurry getting riled up, it was him.

"Josh we never asked you to pay rent, okay? You insisted."  
"Tyler." Jenna warned but was ignored.  
"And if you don't wanna do that anymore? Fine, we'll find a way to make it work. But just because you pay the bills doesn't make this anymore your home than ours, alright?! The rent is barely anything to you, we all know that, but for some fucking reason it's suddenly turned into a big deal? You know why? Because you've fucking decided that because you've got money it means you own us and that's bullshit."  
"Bullshit hey? Is that so?" Josh turned and levelled up with Tyler, but they weren't going to get triggered, they weren't, they're fine, they need to do this, they're fine.

"Yes."  
"Guys, careful." Jenna again tried to deescalate the rising tension.  
"Interesting, cos from where I'm stood, I fucking own you. I put a roof over your head, bought you a mattress to sleep on, clothes to wear, food to eat, meds to take, doctors to see-"  
"Josh." She growled protectively.  
"Same goes for you bitch, you're just as bad as them, constantly spongeing off me. You'd have fucking nothing without me, you're pathetic."  
"Hey! This has got nothing to do with her, this is between you and us."  
"Why?! Why is it?!"  
"Because you're mad that we offered to buy Debby a phone Josh! A fucking phone!" Tyler shouted angrily over how petty it was.

"You think this is all over Debby?" Josh tutted quietly and yet intimidatingly.  
"Yes Josh, yes we do." Tyler sighed. "She's just a girl and-"  
"JUST A GIRL?!"  
"Sorry, we didn't mean it li-"  
"IF SHE'S JUST A GIRL THEN MICHAEL'S JUST A BOY!"  
"GET OUT!" Jenna suddenly screamed and Tyler was numb as tears streamed down their cheeks and everything seemed to freeze. Although they could hear muffled screaming and shouting and see blurred streaks of movement, everything seemed glazed over. Numb, empty, motionless - unable to defend themselves. It was all happening again.

 

 

 _"No."_  
_"No? What do you mean no? I'm breaking up with you Michael, I'm sorry but enough's enough, I can't do this anymore." Tyler repeated, but the older man didn't seem to be processing what he was saying. "You can't stop me breaking up with you. It doesn't matter what you say, we're done."_  
_"You're not leaving me."_  
_"I am."_  
_"No. You're. Not."_  
_"Michael you hit me, you hurt me, everyday you abuse me, you can't seriously expect me to stay with you."_  
_"You're not listening to me baby boy, you're not going to leave me."_  
_"I am-" Tyler began to say once again but was suddenly cut off by the harsh placement of Michael's arm against his chest, pinning him to the wall. He gulped, here we go again._

 _"Michael you know what? Go ahead. Have one final punch, give me your best shot, just know that it's your last because I'm not crawling back to you again."_  
_"Why do you keep playing games, baby boy? We both know you need me."_  
_"You're wrong, I deserve bett-" he was cut off again by the addition of a hand grabbing his throat, throttling him._  
_"Why do you keep lying TyTy? You know I don't like it when you lie to me."_  
_"I'm not lying and I don't care about you. Let me go." He managed to growl through the grip, but was rewarded by having his head slammed hard against the bedroom wall behind him._

" _You wouldn't leave me, would you baby boy? Especially not when I'm injured."_  
_"I am."_  
_"Try again."_  
_"Let me go."_  
_"Try. Again." Michael spat angrily._  
_"I'll scream."_  
_"Be my fucking guest baby boy, the only other person here is Ryan and he sure as hell ain't gonna come running. Especially not after the way you've treated me."_  
_"Me?!" Tyler exclaimed, gargling a little at Michael pushed his throat harder._  
_"You've been so bad to me." He growled with a flick of poison, then released Tyler who proceeded to fold in half and splutter. After a long minute of gasping, he was finally able to stand up semi-straight and saw that Michael was closing the curtains._

_"Michael."_   
_"I want you to call me Micky. Nobody else is allowed. It's an honour, baby boy, you appreciate that, don't you?"_   
_"Why are you closing the door? I'm leaving."_   
_"You love me baby boy, don't you?"_   
_"You're violent to me all the time Michael."_   
_"But you love me baby boy, don't you?"_   
_"I'm going home."_   
_"I know you still love me." Michael said, then when Tyler began walking towards the door he grabbed his wrist and yanked him back hard._

_"You're hurting me."_   
_"You're hurting me by walking away."_   
_"Michael please." Tyler winced at his nails dug into the bruise that had been left by yesterday's beating._   
_"Why do you always try to hurt me baby boy?!"_   
_"You hit me! I've done nothing!"_   
_"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words cut so much deeper."_   
_"Easy for you to say! You weren't the one who got knocked out yesterday! Now let me go!" He half shouted half begged, but Michael didn't let up._

_"You love me."_   
_"Let me go."_   
_"Baby boy you love me." Michael said, grabbing the back of his head and roughly kissing him. Tyler tried to pull away but his grip was stronger than the power of his straining neck. "You love me."_   
_"Michael stop it."_   
_"You love me."_   
_"Stop it, no, Michael, Michael no,"_


	13. Chapter 13

When Lilly first found out she was in charge, she was happy. She liked being in charge. She liked playing. She liked Jenna. She liked mornings. She was happy.

But then she looked around. Then she saw walls that were not her walls. She smelled blankets that were not her blankets. She saw, she saw no bunny. Bunny was her favourite! She started crying.

"Hmm?" JenJen woke up from her sleepybyes and looked at Lilly. She looked sad. "Oh darling I'm so glad you're back, I've been so worried."  
"JenJen, where Bunny?"   
"Lilly? Hello princess, hey baby, shh, hey, Bunny's here, want me to get her?"  
"Where? Where are we?"  
"At Mommy and Daddy's house, we had a sleepover princess," JenJen whispered whilst stroking their hair. They liked it. They still cried. "We had a sleepover because Tyler was poorly, and then Tyler went away and dissociated, but now you've been really really brave princess and you've taken charge and I'm so so proud of you."  
"Bunny."  
"Okay, let me get Bunny Lil."  
"Where Bunny?"  
"Just in the corner princess. Stay here and JenJen will get her." JenJen told her. She put a kiss on their head. She shuffled off the bed. Lilly watched and cried. When JenJen got Bunny out of the bag and held her up, Lilly smiled. Lilly loved Bunny.

"Here we go, Bunny wants a hug." JenJen sat on the bed again. She made Bunny walk towards Lilly. Lilly giggled. Lilly snatched Bunny up and hugged her tightly. Bunny was her favourite!

"Good girl Lilly, good girl." JenJen shushed and pulled them into a hug. They rested their head against her chest. She softly stroked their back. Lilly hugged Bunny.

"Where Daddy and Mommy?"  
"They're in their bedroom sweetheart, but they're sleeping because it's only 3am."  
"3? Whas that?"  
"It means it's very early in the day, it's still dark outside, Mommy and Daddy are still sleeping." JenJen said softly and gently. "But Lilly, if you're scared or worried or sad and Mommy and Daddy will make that better then we can wake them up."  
"Sleepy."  
"You're sleepy princess?"  
"No. Mommy Daddy sleepy."  
"Yeah that's right." She nodded as she stroked their hair.

"JenJen,"  
"Yes angel?"  
"Bunny." Lilly showed her. JenJen smiled.  
"Hello Bunny."

JenJen kept hugging Lilly. Lilly kept hugging Bunny. Lots and lots of hugging.

"Lilly."  
"Huh?"  
"Can you hear the others in your head?" JenJen asked as Lilly played with Bunny. Bunny's her favourite.   
"Urrmm, maybe yes sometimes kinda."  
"Can you hear them now?"  
"Yes."  
"Can you hear Tyler? Is he okay?"  
"Tyler?"  
"Yeah, your host princess."  
"No,"  
"No you can't hear him? Or no he's not okay?"  
"No he not here."  
"Where is he Lilly?"  
"He gone away!"  
"Where? Where's he gone?" JenJen looked scared.   
"He gone away, no more TyTy."

 

 

Josh doesn't know where he is and he can't remember how he got there, but it didn't really matter. All that mattered was precisely nothing because everything was pointless and life was bullshit and he didn't fucking care.

"Another."  
"Come on man, what part of cut off don't you understand?" The bartender said, whipping his towel over his shoulder far too fast for Josh's spinning mind.  
"Isaid enother!"  
"And I said no." He repeated. "Can I call you a ride? Someone to collect you?"  
"Fuck ooofff!"  
"Alright that's enough, get out."  
"Fuck you!" Josh hissed at the man as he walked round the bar and grabbed him by the arm, trying to walk Josh towards the door whilst he kicked his feet furiously, desperate to get back to his precious drink.

"It's alright man, I'll take him, thanks," another guy said but Josh's vision was spinning too much to see who.   
"Get him home."  
"I will, come on,"  
"Geroff me!" Josh protested adamantly as the stranger pulled him out of the bar and into the street. "Geroffff!"  
"Come on bud, let's get you home, where do you live?"   
"Idon't know yoouu!"  
"No you don't, I was in the bar and heading out anyway, think of me as a Good Samaritan."  
"Idon know youuuu!"  
"My name's Ryan, what's your-"  
"Ryan?!?!"  
"Yeah that's right, come on pal, keep on the sidewalk." He said, arm wrapped firmly around Josh.   
"I dooo know you!"  
"You don't mate, now, should I get you an Uber?"  
"I broke y-your, I broke your face!"  
"My face?" He laughed but Josh's mind was racing.   
"In igh schooool,"  
"I went to school in D.C, think you've got the wrong guy. Sit here a sec and I'll call you a cab." Ryan said, helping him down onto a bench.

Whilst he spoke to the thing in his hand, Josh tried to rub his eye but his hand wasn't listening and he kept missing. Eventually he managed to do it but it didn't make his vision any clearer and he still couldn't see properly. He didn't need to see though, he knew it was Ryan, he had told him he was Ryan.

"Ryyann,"  
"One sec mate,"   
"RYAN!"  
"Sorry, yeah, okay thanks bud, see you in a minute." He said to his phone, then put it away to face Josh. "Yeah?"  
"I hit in you in, in, in high school."  
"Nope, not me, what's your name?"  
"Jo-osh." He hiccuped. "I hit you b-becauuuusssseee, um, uh,"  
"Josh you've got the wrong guy, but don't worry, my mate Steve is a taxi driver and he's coming to pick y-"  
"My frie-end got raped."   
"Wait what?"  
"He got raped."  
"Tonight? Has someone called the police? Is he safe? Where is he Josh? We need to go and get him."  
"Your brothhher ra-ped him."  
"I don't have a brother. Josh, I know you're very drunk and if your friend got raped then I understand you might want to try and block it out, but I need you to help me help him. Where is he Josh? Where's your friend?"   
"It, it, 7 years ago, I was 7 years ago, it was 7 years ago,"  
"Oh okay, well I'm sor-"  
"It's easy for, for, for youand Mi-chael to forget! Not! Not Tyler! He can't f-f-forget!"  
"Josh, listen-"  
"I w-wanna meeeeet the, the, famous Michael!!"  
"I don't have a brother, but I am sorry about your friend."

"I have a brother."   
"You do? Where does he live? We'll go say hi and you can have a little sleep there."  
"I not allowed to seeeee hiiiimmmmm,"  
"Okay, do you have any other brothers? Sisters?"  
"Yep." He popped the p, giggling.   
"Where do they live?"  
"Coluuuuumbus."  
"Whereabouts?"  
"We, I wa' born in Cleveland, but I was a baaaad boy, bad bad bad, so we come to clumbus."  
"And now you live here?"  
"Yep."  
"Where Josh?"  
"My sisters are sssspoiled braats!"  
"So you're wealthy? Do you live in the rich part of town?"  
"Father is suuuuper rich."  
"Rich enough to be famous?"  
"In Forbes twi-twice tiiimesssss!"  
"What's his name? I'll google him, see if there's a number or address."  
"We had slaaavesss,"  
"Josh. What's your dad's name."  
"Bill Dun." Josh told him, lips numb and amusing to fiddle with.

"Ah, perfect, Bill Dun, Wall Street broker announces he'll retire aged 30 just weeks after posting $30 million dollar salary, and plans a new life as a family man in Ohio. Is this him?" Ryan showed him a photo that vaguely looked like his dad, he couldn't remember if he was honest. It had been a while.   
"Will, excuse me, will you pleaaaase kill him??"  
"Kill him? No." He laughed. "Is this him?"  
"Yep."  
"K, there's a number for his PA here, I'm gonna call it and get the address which I'll give to Steve and he'll take you home. Just give me a minute."

 

 

  
"Here we go, let's try these and if there's not anything you like then I'll dig through the box of my old clothes under my bed." Maddy said as she rejoined the family in the living room, this time holding a collection of her outfits that she thought might fit Tyler's body but please Lilly's taste. Lilly hated the clothes that Tyler wore and cried because she hated the colour black so intensely, and Jenna was too much of a mess to be able to come up with a solution for her so Maddy had come to the rescue. Meanwhile Jenna sat on the couch, cuddled up to Kelly and trying not to cry as she watched her adult boyfriend act like a tiny girl.

"Do you like any of these?" Maddy asked them, sifting through the pile on the floor together.   
"Don't know." Lilly shrugged cutely.   
"How about this top? It's got pretty stripes."  
"Sparkles."  
"You want sparkles? Hmm, this one's got sequi-" she was cut off as Lilly snatched the pink material off her excitedly and began rubbing it against their face with a happy grin.   
"Sweetheart be careful, the sparkles can be scratchy and sharp." Their mom warned but Lilly didn't let up.   
"Do you prefer this one?" Maddy held up an alternative which was a lighter shade of pink than the first, but Lilly ignored her and scrambled to their feet and jogged over to the couch where Kelly and Jenna were sat.

"Mommy, Mommy, on,"  
"You want this on angel?" Kelly asked, taking the t-shirt from them as they nodded. "Say please then darling."  
"Pleeaassee."  
"Good girl. Now, let Mommy take off Tyler's old one, hands up high,"   
"High to the sky," Jenna joined in with a fake smile that made Lilly giggle as they put their arms up and allowed Kelly to peel off the old black shirt and toss it aside before helping them into their sister's tight pink top covered in sequins. Lilly grinned down happily, hands clutching their own arms in delight as another cute giggle escaped their lips.

"Pretty pretty princess," their mom cooed. "Give us a spin?"   
"I princess." Lilly squealed proudly as they span on the spot and Jenna laughed, brushing away an escaping tear and hoping they hadn't noticed.   
"I've got a skirt here too Lil, do you wanna see if it fits?" Maddy said and they bounced up and down ecstatically a few times before rushing back to their sister and reaching for the miniskirt.   
"Maddy darling that's much too short, she's still young."  
"Mommy!" Lilly's face dropped and they stuck out their bottom lip.   
"Hey hey, don't get upset baby, Maddy have you still got that long skirt you wore to Auntie Carol's wedding? Can Lilly place dressing-up in that?"   
"Course you can sis, should we go up to my bedroom and try it on?"   
"Yippyyyy!!" They squealed, picking up Bunny then taking Maddy's hand and letting her lead them out of the living room and towards the stairs.

For a moment neither of the women left on the couch said anything, Jenna stayed leaning against her partner's mother whilst she gently and softly rubbed small circles into her arm with her thumb. Another tear fell but Jenna didn't have the urge to wipe it anymore.

"Don't worry sweetheart, we'll get him back."  
"What if we don't?" Jenna murmured numbly, exhausted from waking up with Lilly at 3am and not being able to get back to sleep. Emotional exhaustion was on a whole other level that she didn't even want to let herself think about.   
"We will. Just because he's not fronting doesn't mean he's not in there."  
"But Lilly, she said he's not, she said he's gone."  
"She's a child, she doesn't understand. Last night was an especially big flashback so it's gonna take them some time to calm down and Lilly just so happens to have calmed down first because she's the most innocent and most oblivious. Give them some more time, more alters will feel better and safe enough to front, and eventually that will include Tyler. He's the trauma victim so he's gonna take the longest to calm down, but he's not gone."

"That's what usually happens, this, this is different."   
"Jenna darling, DID is ridiculously under researched and barely understood by the psychology community, there's no such thing as a standard formula for how the condition affects someone and therefore there's no such thing as normal so this can't be different from that. Each case is individual and unique and this is just an episode that Tyler's going through right now,"  
"I know each case is unique but I also know the man I love and the alters that come with him."   
"Yeah," she stoked her hair reassuringly.   
"There's not a general formula for all DID but Ty does have patterns. After a bad flashback they dissociate, then the first wave to come back is Lilly and James, then Andrew and Willow and Johnny, then Cassie and Michael and Tyler, then Blurry's the last wave to settle. It's always been that way, for as long as they've been having flashbacks they've always come back to me in that order."  
"And so far so good, Lilly's following the pattern."

"Mommy I Lilly!" Lilly walked back in at that exact moment and Jenna rushed to wipe her tears, then put on a smile for them as they paraded around in the pink sequin top and cream skirt down to their mid shin. The two didn't work particularly well together as an outfit and the addition of a purple purse and a pink feather boa didn't help the cause, however Lilly had clearly tried their best and was very proud of the look.

"Wow sweetie, you look amazing!" Jenna praised and they giggled.   
"Very very nice Lil, wow, why don't you go with Maddy and show Daddy? He's in his office. Oh and I'm sure JayJay will want to see you too, he's in his bedroom."  
"Okay Mommy." They said then ran out again.

"Bless." Kelly relaxed again. "What were you saying darling?"  
"It's just, I know you've been managing their flashbacks and the fallouts much longer than I have, but I've got really familiar with them now-"  
"Of course you have, you've lived together for the past 4 years. Jenna I'm not going to be upset if you suggest you understand them more than I do or can look after them better than me. It's not a competition. It's okay."  
"You're weren't there, last night, you weren't there. It was so bad," Jenna couldn't hold back the sobs and she felt herself be squeezed tightly but it didn't slow down the tears. "He was screaming no, he was screaming so loud, no, over and over and over again, and I wanted to touch him, to hold him, to hug him, but I couldn't. He was screaming so l-l-o-ou-d,"  
"Oh darling." She pressed her lips against her head as she hugged her.

"Shhh, it's okay, shh. I could tell it was a bad one from the moment I arrived, but you know what Jen? They've had bad ones before, and it's taken some time but they've been able to get back to daily life soon enough. So my guess? Today we're going to have fun playing princesses with Lilly, tomorrow we'll learn lots from Johnny, then the day after we'll have Ty back and things will be better, yeah?"  
"Yeah." Jenna nodded despite completely disagreeing. Something in her gut was telling her that this wasn't right, that this wasn't just another flashback, that this was significant and important, and quite frankly she was terrified of what would happen next. But there was no use scaring the mother too.

 

 

  
The first thing Josh did when he woke up was groan. The second thing he did was regret it. Even the tiny noise felt like shrapnel piercing his delicate eardrums, and every single part of his brain seemed to be pulsing and screaming and he simultaneously wanted to roll over and throw up everywhere whilst also remaining completely still and never ever moving again.

Drinking sucked.

Well, it didn't always suck, it didn't suck when he was actually drunk because at least then he had the opportunity to forget about how much everyone in his life had let him down and fucked him over. It was just the morning after when it all came rushing back to him alongside all the other joyful side effects.

He tried again to open his eyes, wincing at the brightness of the light that burned into his corneas. The lights were off but a little sunlight was creeping through the blinds and giving the room a subtle glow. And it was at that point that Josh realised he was not in his bedroom at home, he was in his bedroom at his parents's home. Shit.

"Morning sunshine." He heard a low murmur then suddenly gasped and spluttered when the man towering above him poured a glass of water over his face, startling him awake and drenching him in the process.   
"The fuck?!"  
"You seem to have forgotten the way in which you speak to your father Joshua." Father said, slamming the glass down on the bedside table then walking towards the door. "Guess that's what happens when you walk out on your family for 6 years. Breakfast downstairs in 2 minutes, be there."

The door was closed especially loudly and Josh was instantly reminded it how meaninglessly cruel his parents could be - surely he knew that it felt like a sledgehammer slicing through Josh's brain. But nevertheless Josh sat up in bed and tried not to puke, wiping his face dry with his arm and giving himself a moment to steady his spinning vision.

Only once he was sure he wouldn't fall over the moment he tried to stand did he pick up the glass and start taking unsteady and laboured steps towards his old ensuite bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet bowl before he could no longer hold in the vomit and decorated the white porcelain not once but three times.

He still felt nauseous however didn't think anything else was coming up, so carefully stood up and went to the sink and filled up the empty glass with water and rinse and spat a couple of time before refilling it and gulping it down. Afterwards he looked at himself in the mirror for probably the first times in days. Unsurprisingly, he looked like shit. His skin was breaking out and he had scruff growing in random patches and deep deep bags shadowing bloodshot eyes. It barely even began to reflect the way he felt inside.

His hand shook as he reached up and opened the medicine cabinet and was a little taken aback when he saw that all his old stuff had been thrown out. It had been 6 years, it was totally logical that some old tooth brush would go in the trash, however Josh was upset not only because his breath stunk but also because for some reason it felt like a metaphor for him being thrown away. He told himself to stop being such a little bitch, picked up a hand towel and dried his face and hair off properly then threw it on the floor in a small act of rebellion, then left his bedroom and started walking the long corridors towards the breakfast room.

The house felt weird to be back in, even though he'd only actually lived there for less than a month before moving in with the Josephs. He still remembered the way but the details were a little fuzzy and he was repeatedly shocked by the reminded of how unnecessarily tacky his parents were. Gold crap and stuffed animals seemed to be the theme at the moment.

"Ah, Gino, this is the one I was telling you about, the runaway." Father said to the chef as Josh entered, but he chose to ignore the comment and walked over to the table, sitting down.   
"You were right sir, they always come back when they run out of money." Gino replied and Father laughed like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard.   
"Fuck you dickhead, you fucking work for me, I'm your boss." Josh hissed.   
"Oh in what fucking world does he work for you you little shit?! You're a fucking guest in my house, get back in your box."  
"Tip for you kid, don't bite the hand that feeds you." Gino sneered as he set down a plate of eggs benedict in front on him then walked back to the stove with a towel over his shoulder.

"Gino, you want front row tickets to watch this? Or you wanna head off?"  
"Nah you're alright boss, I'll leave you to it, I'm gonna go watch from the security room with the other guys, Luke's gonna link the security footage to the big screen. Staff entertainment night has come early."  
"Haha very well, enjoy, you're dismissed." Father gestured and the chef left the room. Josh felt sick and didn't want to eat, so instead they settled into a passive aggressive staring competition that was only scored by the drumming of the older man's signet covered fingers on the glass table.

"We've got an audience, are we gonna put on a show?"  
"The fuck's that supposed to mean?" Josh sighed, pushing his food away and slouching rudely.   
"If your mother was here then all the glass would be shattered by now and you'd be out on your ass. Lucky for you, she's not. She's with your brother." He said slowly and intimidatingly. "Oh, he had a failed heart transplant by the way, in case you care."  
"Yeah nope, you're not gonna win with that one Pop, already knew. He's at crossroads heart clinic, a clinic that you had me blacklisted from visiting asshole."  
"Yep, you already gave him one heart attack, let's not have a repeat. After all, you're unpredictable and you're a danger to my family."  
"Nope, not pressed a nerve yet." Josh shook his head unimpressed.

"The fuck are you doing here Josh? I put a mil in that account every year and in return you stay the fuck away from my properties, my businesses, my staff, my family and me. Are you seriously telling me that you've managed to burn through that already?"   
"Trust me Father, if it were up to me then I'd be anywhere but here."  
"So why are you?"  
"I don't fucking know, I don't even know how I got here." Josh said honestly and his father sighed, looked away, then crossed his hands.

"What made you go out and get that drunk anyway?"  
"Shit at home."  
"You've got a nice little habit of taking a loving household and ripping it apart, so good going there." He borderline rolled his eyes and picked up a glass of water but didn't drink from it. "Still living with that family whose kid got raped?"  
"Moved downtown, still with the kid who got raped plus his girlfriend and my girlfriend. Course they both turned out to be selfish cunts and my girlfriend got involved with a fucking gang and has gone into hiding,"  
"So what you gonna do about it? Cos you're sure as Hell not welcome back here." He asked and Josh took a moment to think about it, to really think about it. His brain was still fuzzy but a small plan he'd made in the past suddenly came to the forefront of his mind.

"Where's the camera?"   
"There," he gestured to the small black cylinder in the corner of the room and Josh barely hesitated as he picked up the solid silver pepper shaker in the middle of the table and threw it at the camera which shattered instantly. "Good to see all that baseball training has some to good use. I'll be charging you for that."  
"And I'll pay you back with your money."  
"There better be a fucking reason for doing that."  
"You'll thank me later."  
"Don't count on it." He scoffed.

"Father,"  
"Yes Joshua?"  
"Remember when I was a kid, and that guy tried to takeover one of your companies and tried to fuck you over and cut you out of that quarter billion dollar deal."  
"Joe Warburton, course I fucking do. Cunt."  
"You told me Duns don't hurt with words, Duns hurt with actions."   
"Yes I did."  
"You made the problem go away, you killed him didn't you? You had him killed."  
"I dealt with him."  
"Using actions, not words."  
"What are you getting at Josh?"  
"If I wanted to make someone disappear, if I wanted to eliminate a problem, if I wanted to use actions not words and deal with someone for good, would you be able to put me in touch with somehow who could arrange that?"  
"Joshua you're not killing your roommate because you had some petty fucking row over the TV channel or some shit like that. No."

"Does this look petty to you?!" Josh stood up in outrage, lifting up his shorts and displaying the rows upon rows of stitched cuts on both of his thighs. His father stared but said nothing. "I am fucking sick of not being taken seriously! I'm sick of being disrespected and treated like shit and thought of as some fucking child that can be shoved in the corner and ignored! Father enough is enough! People either pity me, laugh at me, or talk back to me. Nobody, NOBODY listens to me."  
"So what do you want Josh? I'm listening, what do you want?"  
"I want to be like you Father. I want to be respected and feared like you. I want to be able to take control of my own future and have people know that they can't walk all over me and get away with it."  
"You want to kill."   
"I want my girlfriend to be safe and to come home, and I will go to any lengths to ensure that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeyyyy guysss, remember me??  
> So if you haven't been reading my other fic then I'll quickly catch you up to speed - I wrote quite a lot of updates for this fic and then all the files corrupted (yay) so I've been trying to figure out a way to get them back and my laptop is currently at the shop getting fixed so hopefully they'll get recovered, but I was sick of waiting and presumably you are too! So I rewrote one chapter on mobile to keep this fic alive, and fingers crossed I'll get the rest back soon, but if not then I'll rewrite them too xx  
> Sorry for the delay xx


	14. Chapter 14

Despite being awake for a while, Jenna was still startled when the door to her bedroom opened a little and the crack of light grew, casting a long shadow across the room. Lilly had decided they weren't going to share a bed with her tonight and much preferred the offer of a girly sleepover with Maddy, so had slept in the 18 year old's bedroom instead. That meant Jenna was left alone with her thoughts which wasn't a good idea at the current point in time, and had meant that very little sleep had occurred.

"Jenna? Are you up?" She recognised Maddy whispering.   
"Yeah? Is something wrong?"   
"Mom's still asleep, it's 6 so I can wake her up if you prefer, I'm just a bit worried about Lilly or Ty or whoever they are right now and would feel better if someone else came and sat with them too."  
"Coming." Jenna said without hesitation and climbed out of bed. "What's happened?"  
"I don't know, they've been like this for about 10 minutes."  
"Right." She gulped, scared for what she'd find as they entered the room across the hall and Jenna located her significant others bunched up in a tight ball against one wall. They were hugging their knees and rocking a little but didn't appear to be crying, although their face was hidden so it was hard to tell. It wasn't a very Lilly action, Lilly tended to throw fits by laying on their back and stomping their feet, so she knew they had switched but wasn't totally sure who to.

"Darling, hey, hey it's Jenna, what's your name?" She asked softly, sitting down on the floor next to them whilst Maddy perched on the corner of her bed and watched. "Cassie?"  
"Andrew." They corrected through clenched teeth.   
"Drew? Hey sweetheart, what's going on?" Jenna asked but Andrew continued to rock. "Can I touch you?"  
"He's gone Jenna." Andrew growled angrily as they stood up, pacing over to the opposite side of the room and slapping a pile of papers to the ground in frustration. Jenna stayed on the floor, heart broken as she processed what they'd heard but refused to truly accept it because there was no way it could be true, no way, he couldn't be gone.

"Who's gone Andrew?" Maddy whispered.   
"Tyler." They sighed, palms rubbing their face a little too roughly for Jenna's liking.   
"Babe-"  
"I, I, I was supposed to protect him! I was supposed to protect him and I didn't and now he's GONE!" Andrew punched the wall violently and made a picture frame bounce.   
"Sweetheart he's not gone-" Jenna attempted to sound optimistic but was cut off.  
"I COULDN'T PROTECT HIM!"   
"Andrew breathe baby-"  
"IT WAS MY JOB AND I LET HIM DOWN!"   
"Drew, Drew look at me, this is not your fault-" she stood up and tried to hold their hands but was shaken off.   
"DAMN RIGHT! IT'S JOSH'S!" Andrew yelled in her face aggressively before crumbling on the spot and bursting into tears. Although it would have been safe to assume that Cassie had taken over, Jenna knew deep down that she was actually seeing a side of Andrew that he'd never shown before. "And, a-and, and I wanna protect him, he's Josh, he's our best friend, but he destroyed Tyler so how exactly can I justify that to the others?! To myself?! I always try to protect him Jen, but this time, this time he hurt Tyler, he hurt him so much, a-and I j-just," Andrew gasped tearfully. "I don't know what to do Jen. I want to ha-ate h-im, I want, I, I want to see him hurting for what he did to my Ty, but I can't."  
"Shhh, shhshhshhh, it's okay Drew." Jenna pulled them into a tight hug as they wept.

"I can't turn off my ways."  
"Darling that's okay, you're the protector right? You protect people, you're protective, that's how you are, I understand and the others will understand too, nobody's mad, it's okay."   
"Anybody hurts my Ty and I wanna fucking kill them, so why don't I want to kill Josh for killing Ty?" They squeaked and Jenna didn't have an answer, just rubbed their back reassuringly. "I want to hate Josh, I want to hate him so bad."  
"Sweetheart he's Tyler's best friend in the whole world, it's okay that you want to protect him."  
"HE KILLED HIM THOUGH!"   
"Tyler's not dead-"  
"HE'S GONE JENNA! JOSH PUSHED HIM OVER THE EDGE! HE'S GONE!"   
"No. No. No don't you dare say that Andrew, you can't possibly know. No. He just needs time to get himself together again."   
"My brother's a fighter, he'll be okay." Maddy said from the bed, and for a moment Jenna had forgotten she was even there.

"I can't believe I let this happen again." Andrew murmured tearfully.   
"You couldn't have known that Josh was going to react like that, he's been so unstable recently, don't beat yourself up Drew,"  
"I should have known! I should have seen the warning signs! It was the exact same as Michael!"  
"No, no it wasn't, not even remotely the same."  
"Michael got snippy, started saying inappropriate things, started lashing out, getting abusive, hurting Tyler. Josh was doing the exact same thing and I should have put a stop to it the moment he laid hands on my Ty but I didn't, I let him walk all over us and now our host is dead."  
"It's not the same though Andrew, Michael was an evil evil person, Josh is a good man." Maddy piped up.   
"I wouldn't be so sure about that." Jenna sighed as she squeezed Andrew tight.

 

 

  
"We call it Jordan's Garden," Father explained as they entered through a small white latched gate. It was located near the edge of the grounds but fairly close to the house and was only a short walk from the door. Josh had noticed it out of his window almost immediately whilst also noticing that his baseball pitch was long since gone and replaced with the odd statue and pathway.

"Your mother had it built a couple of days after he was admitted, we spent a fortune and a half getting it specially designed. This route here loops around all the fountains and trees and is supposed to take 30 minutes to walk, that's how much exercise he was supposed to be doing daily, and there are benches all along in case he needed them. Everywhere is wheelchair accessible. All the trees were flown in, supposed to promote calmness and healing, and all the plants were chosen because their colours and smells stimulate happiness and contrast the sterile hospital environment. Then this is his serenity pool, place for reflection, that sort of thing." He said, pointing towards the fancy looking pond in front of them as he lead the way to a fancy looking bench that they sat on.

"Does he get to come here much?"  
"No. He used to, yeah, he used to come here a lot, the hospital let him have a couple of hours off site each day, but now he's bed bound." Father said, looking out across the gently rippling water. "And this place will be a memorial garden for him at some point."   
"Have you got any other memorial plans?"  
"Oh you know your mother, we've always got more plans. All sorts of oil paintings and statues and plaques, we're even getting the cardio ward at the hospital renamed after him and becoming lead sponsors."  
"That's a nice legacy."  
"I thought so too."

"Do they ever come home? Mother and the girls?"  
"Well I bought the apartment block next to the clinic so they can be nice and close to him. There's 10 floors with 3 apartments each and I rent out the bottom 5 floors but I'm in the process of converting the top 3 into one living space and then I'm leaving 2 floors empty for privacy." He explained. "They do come here to say hi to me, we have dinner at least once a week, the girls still go to school and everything, but most of the time they're with him."   
"And you don't visit him?"  
"Not as much as them. I do, I make a point of seeing him twice a week, but I've still got an empire to run and things to attend to."  
"Yeah,"

"Are you lonely father?" He asked a moment later. "I mean I know you've got the staff, but are you lonely?"  
"No no, do I miss sleeping with my wife? Of course. Am I lonely? Not at all. Certainly not lonely enough to invite my disgraced son to live with me again if that's what you're angling for."  
"I'm not angling for anything, just asking."  
"Because you're such a nice kid?" He laughed doubtfully and so did Josh. "Go on, tell me again about all these people you want to have killed?"   
"Honest Pop, I like my place, penthouse in the middle of town, I'm not looking to move back in."  
"Good."  
"I'm gonna kick my roommates out though, convert their room into a nursery for when Debby comes back and we start a family."  
"Be careful kicking people out, make sure you do it properly, last thing you need right now is the courts getting involved if they decide to take legal action."  
"Well neither of them pay rent so they've got no right to be there."  
"Ah, okay good, well go ahead then. Easiest thing is to change the locks, I can get one of my boys to do it for you if you want?"   
"Would you?"   
"Course, remind me when we're inside and I'll send someone round."  
"Thanks Father," Josh nodded appreciatively.

"So, you're gonna start a family with this girl? Debby?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Have you got plans to propose?"  
"I have proposed, many many times."  
"And she said?"  
"She wants kids first."  
"Kids first, that's uh, that's untraditional." Father raised his eyebrows and Josh was about to tell him that Debby was anything except traditional, but was distracted by a movement in the corner of his vision. He turned to look at it closer and felt his blood turn cold and his stomach drop when he caught sight of a snake, a dark black snake with bright yellow eyes staring at him, tongue flicking as it edged ever closer.

"Joshua?"  
"Snake." He whispered, standing up from the bench and stepping back slowly.   
"Snake? Where? And since when were you afraid of snakes hey kid? I remember when you used to catch-"  
"Father there is a fucking snake right there!"  
"Alright alright, calm your tits, I'll find the fucker." Father sighed and stood up, walking straight past the winding black body and crouching to look under the bushes behind it. Josh didn't understand why he'd ignored the one staring at him, were there more? Had he seen even more?

He felt the panic growing and he couldn't help but hyperventilate, taking quicker backwards steps, but suddenly let out a small shriek of pure fear when the snake lunged forwards. The attack missed him but Josh couldn't breathe as the animal got closer and closer and the hissing got louder and louder.

"Where did it- Joshua? The fuck are you doing all the way over there?" Father turned over his shoulder and asked, seemingly oblivious to the creature winding up for another strike.   
"Kill it, please, kill it," he whimpered terrified.   
"Joshua I don't know where it is, why are you being such a little girl over a harmless snake? This is Columbus not Mumbai."  
"IT'S RIGHT THERE!" He screamed, pointing at the snake as it reared up again and prepared to strike, except this time Josh couldn't back away because he was pinned up against the neatly groomed hedge behind him. He felt a hot tear stream down his face and looked up at his father for help. The man didn't notice, still looking in the wrong place until at long last he stood up and saw Josh. Father let out a sigh, not feeling the same urgency as Josh, then walked over to him, almost stepping on the snake.

"The fuck is up with you? It was probably just a leaf."  
"IT'S THERE!" Josh yelled hysterically, pointing right at the beast that swayed tauntingly.   
"Here?" Father crouched beside it, waving his hand in the space and thankfully scaring the snake off, sliding away into the shadows once again. "There's nothing here Joshua."   
"It's gone over there now,"  
"Joshua are you high?" He stood directly opposite him as tears continued to tumble with relief.   
"Please, we have to go inside, it's not safe,"  
"Are you on drugs, yes or no?"  
"No!"  
"Look at me." Father demanded, hands cupping Josh's face before he roughly lifted up his eyelids and stared at his pupils for a second. There was nothing to be found so next his father forcefully rolled up Josh's sleeves and was unphased by the scars as he checked for puncture wounds.

"I'm not fucking high!"  
"Joshua there was no snake here!" He snapped back. "What are you on? Tell me!"  
"Father please, it was real, please, let go of me, please,"  
"Do you get hallucinations? Has this happened before?"  
"It, it, Joaquin Sanchez, he's The Snake, he, he sent this as a warning, please, Father please, we have to go inside, we have to kill him sooner, please, please,"

 

 

"Andrew, can you come in here a sec?" Kelly asked, gesturing to the kitchen with her head from the doorway. Andrew sighed, he wasn't in the fucking mood for this crap, but bit their tongue and walked away from the TV screen showing 100 greatest police chases and followed her into the kitchen.

Jenna was already sat in the end chair, knees hugged up to her chest and eyes red and puffy, wearing Tyler's shirt. They knew she was upset, she was mourning, and Andrew wanted to make it better and protect her from the sadness but knew there was nothing he could do and parading the host's body in front of her didn't seem fair. So they'd tried to stay out of her way and hoped it was for the best.

"So, I just wanna know what's going on with your system Andrew, see if there's anything I can do to help you guys sort everything out. Maybe even get an appointment with Dr Andrews if we need professional help." Tyler's mom said, sitting down at the table after getting a piece of paper and a pen.   
"Right."   
"Now obviously I know that it was a nasty in depth flashback and it's normal for things to take a while to settle again, but I also know that you've been saying that things are different this time."  
"Tyler's fucking dead Kelly, we've made that perfectly clear."   
"Well I thought we'd start with who has calmed down and is feeling okay, could front if they wanted,"  
"Why?!" Andrew sighed, not seeing the point.   
"Drew please, please just do this." Jenna sniffed and, even though he didn't want to, he knew it would cheer Jenna up.   
"Fine."

"Right, so, obviously you and Lilly are able to front, anyone else ready yet?" Kelly asked.   
"Want us to test?" They replied, slouching. "Tryna get rid of me?"  
"No no, course I'm not Andrew, you can stay if that's what you want. All I'm asking is whether you know if the others are feeling better?"  
"Hmm, uhh, tiddler's back."  
"Tiddler?"  
"James." Jenna clarified softly and Kelly wrote it down, then looked up expectantly.   
"Specks is here too."  
"Johnny?" She asked and Jenna nodded, acting as translator. "How about Willow? I know she normally calms down around the same time as you guys."  
"She's back but doesn't wanna talk."  
"Alright that's okay Andrew." Kelly said, writing down the information.

"Anyone else? Cass? Michael?" Jenna piped up, voice soft and hoarse as she rubbed the back of her neck.   
"Micky D's here, crybaby's not."  
"Got it." The mother nodded. "Right, that's 7 plus Ty accounted for, where's Blurryface? I know he's dormant, is he still dormant or is he gone too?"  
"Let us check, one sec."  
"Drew be careful." Tyler's girlfriend warned but Andrew wasn't going to be spoken to like that.  
"I'M ALWAYS CAREFUL!"  
"Andrew,"  
"NO! NO, DON'T TREAT US LIKE IDIOTS! WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING!"   
"Darling it's okay, we trust you, we just care about you and don't want you to get hurt. However if you prefer that we just be quiet, then that's okay too." Kelly spoke quietly. Andrew wanted to scream back in response, pick a fight for no reason other than he felt disrespected, but gulped down his pride and told himself to stay calm. If he was going to try and interact with Blurryface then he needed to be completely calm.

"Can we go next door?"  
"You sure you wanna be alone when you're talking to him?"  
"It's easier that way."  
"Okay, call us through if you need us." Kelly nodded and Andrew knew Jenna was about to protect, so they walked out before she could and went into the office for privacy.

There was an old squeaky chair on wheels that they settled down in, leaning back against the faded black material and trying to relax. It would be fairly easy to get Blurry's attention if he was there, the real challenge would be to get him to settle back down again without trying to seize power himself. The system was a mess, without a doubt it was the weakest it had been in a long time, so Andrew wasn't totally sure he could protect them from Blurry, but he wanted to poke the beast anyway, just to prove he could. With another sigh, he tried to clear their mind and find Blurry among the chaos.

 _Blur? Blurry? Oi, red eyes, you around here somewhere? Jerk face? Dickhead? Bl-_  
 **Don't talk like that**   
_Oh you are there_  
 **Course I fucking am**  
 _I was just checki-_  
 **Tyler's dead**  
 _I kn-_  
 **You did a good thing, sacrificing him like that. I might keep you around when I'm in charge of this shitshow**  
 _I didn't sacrif-_  
 **You didn't jump on the bomb though did you though? You let him take the hit.**  
 _Blur, I-_  
 **He was making us weak, and now that he's out of the way we can finally get to work.**  
 _What do you m-_  
 **Revenge Andrew, justice, retribution, revenge.**  
 _I don't thi-_

**Are you with me? Because if you're not then you're against me**   
_I just want to prot-_   
**Yeah yeah fucking Hell, I get it, you're the protector. Change the record.**   
_Don't hurt Jen-_   
**I will hurt whoever hurt us.**   
_Don't hurt-_   
**I WILL HURT WHOEVER HURT US**   
_Blurry please-_   
**Enough. Enough of this. Enough of you. Enough of being exploited, violated and abused. Enough. My time now. Kill or be killed.**

Blurry drowned out Andrew's cries of protest as he easily and effortlessly seized control of the system. It had been a long time coming, a looong looong time. For years he had sat back and watched as the others let people walk all over them, well enough was enough, with him in control they would never be harmed again.

He rolled their neck a little to the left, and a little to the right, then cracked their knuckles. Game time.

It felt so right to be in control of the body, as weak and feeble as it had become. The strides Blurry took were bold and decisive and gave him just a small taste of what was to come, and damn, it felt good.

"Hey darling, how did-" Kelly began but stopped when they continued straight past the table and straight over to the chopping block, pulling out a knife and holding it up to the light to see if it was sharp enough, taking in the glint of the blade happily. "Blurry?"  
"Hello hello, long time no see, mother." They snarled with a sick smile.   
"Jenna call the police, call the police right now."  
"Oh quit that woman, I'm not here for you," Blurry rolled their eyes, then stared deep into her soul. "I'm here for Josh."


	15. Chapter 15

"Joshua."  
"Yeh?" He yawned, not bothering to turn and face his father and instead staying put on the lavish couch, not remotely caring that his dirty socks were probably staining the cream fabric.  
"Come me to the blue room please, there's a gentleman here to see you."  
"Oh, right, course." Josh realised who it was and rolled off the couch, switching the TV off and following the greying man down the hall. He ran his finger along a pointless tabletop covered in elaborate flowers and was unsurprised to find no dust had collected on his index finger pad.

The blue room was aptly named, a pastel wall paper embossed with ornate details and excessive royal blue furniture. It held no function and served little purpose. Was barely entered by anyone except cleaning staff. However Josh immediately saw the reason he had been brought there; a man dressed in a trim 3 piece suit was sat in an arm chair and had a large leather satchel on the floor beside him, no doubt filled with weapons that exceeded Josh's wildest imagination.

"You must be the assassin, Joshua Dun, pleasure." He shook the man's hand when he stood up, then all three men seated themselves.  
"Assassin? No, I'm a psychologist Josh." The suited man said and Josh gave his father a panicked glance but couldn't reach his eyes as he purposefully looked away. "My name's Dr Cooper, I'm from St Mary, a psychiatric unit here in Columbus. Your dad called me yesterday and we had a little chat over the phone, then a more in depth conversation this morning regarding how you are and how things can be made easier and better for you in the future."  
"Father?" Josh said confused but still he wouldn't look at him.  
"Just, just talk to the doctor Joshua." He instructed quietly then stood up and walked out, leaving him alone with the staring man who was apparently not the assassin he had been expecting. Or was he?

"Don't worry, I understand it can be hard for parents to process that their child is unwell, and it's probably for the best that I get a chance to talk with you on a one to one basis."  
"Unwell? I-I'm fine, I, sorry, I was hoping to see someone else, that's all - or is this all an act? Like an alias? Are you actually the man who's going to help me with my issue?"  
"Yes I am going to help you with your issue, but no, no I'm not an assassin, I'm really a doctor Josh."  
"A doctor? How does that work then? Do you inject your 'patients' with poison? Is that your MO?"  
"Josh, I'm not going to hurt you I promise."  
"No course not, I'm paying you to kill Joaquin."  
"I'm a psychologist Josh, that's all, I won't be hurting anyone."  
"Oh, right, course not. I getcha." Josh tapped his nose knowingly, realising the necessity of using codes and secrecy. The assassin's face didn't flinch, damn, he really was a professional.

"Josh, do you feel comfortable having a conversation with me here today so that I can better understand what it is you need support with, and so you can better understand how I'm going to try and supply that support?"  
"Ah, right, I understand, so that the staff don't get suspicious. Fake therapy."  
"Real therapy, at least a real introductory session."  
"Fake."  
"Here, does this help?" Dr Cooper asked, opening his weapons bag and digging around for a second then getting out an ID card with his face on it and various details about him, including the fact he had a license to practice psychology in Ohio. Definitely a forged document, and that was when Josh realised that he really was working with a professional assassin who was completely committed to the alias. Very typical of his father to contact the best of the best.

"Okay?"  
"Okay." Josh nodded, passing it back to him. "But, just so you know, I've done this before so I'll be able to tell if you're doing it wrong."  
"Therapy? You've had therapy before?"  
"Yes."  
"Right okay, that's good, when was that?" He asked, pulling a notebook out of his bag and a pen from his breast pocket and preparing to take notes.  
"Every other week for the last 5 years."  
"Wow, great, what's that been for?"  
"Stuff."  
"Can you tell me?"  
"What's this got to do with Joaquin?"  
"I don't know who he is Josh."  
"Oh, oh okay, you want background information."  
"Exactly. Can you tell me why you decided to start therapy?"  
"I tried to kill myself." Josh flopped back against the couch and drummed his fingers against its arm rhythmically.

"Right, and you continued attending because...?"  
"I dunno. Family I moved in with wanted me to. Girlfriend wanted me to."  
"And did your therapist diagnose you with any conditions?" Dr Cooper asked as he jotted things down.  
"Anxiety and depression. I take pills too."  
"What medications are you on?"  
"Fluoxetine and sertraline."  
"And they help?"  
"I guess." Josh shrugged. He wasn't sure why the assassin needed to know that but told himself to trust the guy, he knew what he was doing.

"So you mentioned anxiety and depression, did you get a psychosis diagnosis?"  
"Psychosis? I'm not psychotic."  
"Do you know what psychosis is?"  
"Yeah, like, like hallucinations and crap."  
"Exactly." He nodded, scratching his jaw slowly and expectantly. "And you don't think that applies to you?"  
"No."  
"No?"  
"No."  
"Okay." The fake doctor scribbled something down.

"Now, I spoke to your dad already and he told me that things weren't always easy when you were a kid. Dyslexia, bullying, other problems at school, your brother being born early. He also told me that you ran away from home."  
"So?"  
"So those sort of environments can lead to issues such as depression and anxiety arising."  
"Yep."  
"However I'm also aware that you've been experiencing some difficult times recently, and that can lead to further complications with your mental health. Would you like to maybe take the time to explain what's been happening in your own words."  
"Okay." Josh nodded, sitting up straight again because finally they were talking about Joaquin.

"So, uh, so I was at church and when I came home, my girlfriend had packed up all her stuff into duffle bags. She had taken down every single photo of her and she told me that she deleted all her social media, changed all her mail and insurance and bank details, basically erased her existence. I asked her why, and she said that she was on the run from some very bad people."  
"Josh, was this before or after you found out about Jordan's heart condition?"  
"It was the day after."  
"The day after? Right, okay." He wrote it down. "Sorry, continue with what you were saying."  
"I tried to get her to stop but she got away. She said she was fleeing the country and needed to lay low until she could get her hands on a fake passport, but then she'd be gone. I haven't seen her since."  
"I'm sorry to hear that."

"The next few days I tried to find her or at least some information, and I did."  
"What did you learn?"  
"She went to art school in New York, which she lied to me about, and she dated a boy in Brooklyn called Joaquin Sanchez who's in a gang. They call him The Snake. She got in trouble with him and his gang and wanted to escape so contacted this other gang, and the leader's son is coincidentally a client of mine at the gym I work in. He helped her escape and gave her a new life in Columbus and moved with her. They run a big operation, a secret operation, and they have a tattoo shop for the gangs members to work in."  
"Right."  
"So really Columbus is a hive of escaped and retired gang members."  
"Oh okay, that's interesting that you think that Josh. And are they all here in Columbus because they want to hurt you? Do you feel like you're always in danger?"  
"Yes. They could be spies."  
"Hmm, right, okay."

"I want you to kill Joaquin because then Debby, my girlfriend, she'll be safe and she'll come home to me."  
"You want me to kill him? Because I'm an assassin?" He asked and Josh nodded, and he wrote that down too. "Right,"  
"Will you be able to get that done for me Doctor?"  
"I just need a few more details before we come up with an action plan."  
"Okay." Josh was happy to help him.

"Your dad, he told me two things earlier, can you help me fit them into your story?"  
"Yeah."  
"First thing, he told me you've been cutting yourself Josh."  
"I have. Do you wanna see?"  
"Okay." Dr Cooper nodded, so Josh stood up and rolled up his loose basketball shorts up to the tops of his legs and displaying the slowly healing wounds to the man. He had put his notebook aside and shuffled forwards a little for a closer view, and let out a small sigh.

"Did you go to the hospital to get these stitched?"  
"Yes,"  
"Well done Josh, you did the right thing by doing that."'  
"It wasn't my choice, I was forced."  
"Still, it's good that you got them. How long have the stitches been in?"  
"Urmmmm, 4 days?"  
"Okay, and you know to go back in 3 days to get them removed?"  
"I'll probably just pull them out with my penknife."  
"No, I want you to get it done professionally Josh, that way a nurse can check they're okay. See this one? It's a bit red. If it gets itchy or changes colour then it might be infected, so definitely go to the hospital then, alright?"  
"Fine." He sat back down, knowing he wouldn't have to stick to his word.

"Why did you cut yourself Josh?"  
"Just wanted to."  
"Did you hear voices that told you to do it?"  
"I don't hear voices."  
"It's okay if you did."  
"I said I didn't."  
"Okay."

"The second concern your dad raised with me is a dispute with your roommates, you want to evict them, can you talk me through that?"  
"Do you know what DID is? Did they teach you that at fake shrink school?"  
"I'm aware of dissociative identity disorder yes, at St Mary's we currently have 2 patients with the condition, why do you ask?"  
"The person who used to be my best friend is a DID system because they got raped a while ago."  
"Right, but they're not your best friend anymore?"  
"No."  
"Why's that?"  
"They always treat me like shit. Their girlfriend lives with me too and they always gang up together and think they know what's best for me and make me do things I don't wanna do-"  
"Like go to the hospital for stitches?"  
"Yes. But just everything in my life, eat this, go there, sleep now, blah blah blah, it's fucking bullshit."  
"And did they do that before you learned about Jordan's deterioration?"  
"They're assholes, it's got nothing to do with my brother."  
"Okay, but just so I have a sense of timescale, how long have they been telling you what to do?"  
"Since Debby left."  
"So the day after Jordan's news."  
"Yeah, so??"  
"And when did you find out?"  
"Debby left 9 days ago."  
"So 10 days, okay." He wrote it down, then didn't say anything for a moment as he thought thing through, probably coming up with his murder plan.

"Josh, would it be okay if I talked for a minute and you listened?"  
"Is it your plan?"  
"Yes, my plan, and if you have any questions or protests then save them till the end and I'll address them."  
"Okay."  
"So, when people learn about something that's upsetting and ultimately life changing, the emotions that run through someone's mind can sometimes be a little overwhelming, or occasionally very overwhelming. Certain people are more at risk of being in that very overwhelmed category, and that includes you because of your history of mental health issues."  
"I don't-"  
"Josh remember what we agreed, save your comments until I've finished." The assassin said and Josh just sighed.

"Learning about Jordan, coming to know that one day soon he will pass away, that's a lot for one person to process."  
"Yeah,"  
"And as you learn more and more and understand and realise what the implications of news like that will be, it can feel like a bit of a rollercoaster, up and down and all over the place. Do you know what I mean by that?"  
"I mean I guess."  
"This is a big thing to wrap your head around, and it would be okay if maybe you couldn't fully grasp it, if maybe it was just too much for you to deal with."  
"I don't understand." Josh said honestly, not sure how any of this was relevant.

"You've had to deal with a lot in your life Josh. Imagine it like a pile of logs." The suited man told him, putting down the notebook and pen and instead stacking his hands on top of the other then building higher and higher as he spoke. "Things in your childhood, your brother's premature birth, your parents being away from you, struggling in school, finding out you had dyslexia, being picked on by the other kids, putting a lot of pressure on yourself with your baseball, making yourself ill, moving schools, all these things are building and building and building."  
"Mmm,"  
"And you reached a breaking point, didn't you? That's why you ran away."  
"Yeh."  
"So all your logs on your pile all came tumbling down and you reached rock bottom and hard to start trying to build your pile all over again. Now I think that your therapist has helped you to put them in a nice steady pile, maybe two by two, something a bit more stable."  
"Right." Josh scratched his head.

"However recently you've received a couple of new big logs, haven't you? You've been told about your brother, and your girlfriend has left town. So these huge logs have come crashing down on top of your pile and even though the base was slightly more stable, it was still quite a high pile and that means that your logs had a long way to fall and now they're all splintered on the ground."  
"I honestly don't know what you're getting at."  
"What I'm saying is that recently you've been pushed past your limit and unfortunately that's made you ill Josh."  
"I'm fine,"  
"And I don't want you to worry, we can give you the help that you need to rebuild your logs stably, rebuild your life stably, but it might take some time and I need to make sure that you're going to be safe whilst we work on you together. That means making sure that you don't cut yourself again, don't harm yourself in anyway."  
"If you kill Joaquin then I won't hurt myself."

"Josh, what would be your opinion on coming and staying with me and a couple of other people whose job it will be to look after you?"  
"What, like protection?"  
"Yeah, a bit like protection, you'd be admitted to St Mary's for your own protection."  
"So go into hiding until Joaquin is dead? Because I know he's trying to get me, he sent me a snake warning yesterday, he's getting closer and closer. Yeh, yeh I wanna go into hiding."  
"You want to come to St Mary's with me?"  
"Yeh."

 

 

Explaining to an emergency police dispatcher that her boyfriend was being controlled by a murderous maniac would almost definitely have been met with a reception of laughter, so instead Jenna had told the woman that there was a man in the kitchen with a knife threatening her, and sure enough a police unit was outside the door quicker than she could imagine possible.

Initially Blurry had been borderline facilitative to the officers, it was only once one of them attempted to touch them that they started kicking off. Blurry didn't do physical contact on any level. All the officer had tried to do was guide them towards the door but everything had escalated so fast and the blade was being held to his throat and then a second later Blurry was pinned face down on the floor screaming bloody murder. Backup had arrived and they were taken to the station and put in holding.

Jenna and Kelly followed behind the police car and arrived only moments after them, then proceeded to spend close to 2 hours trying to navigate through endless red tape before finally being able to speak to an officer with any sort of authority. They explained the situation, the illness, then got Dr Andrews on the phone to give their story more validity. Eventually, after almost 4 hours in the station, it was decided that Blurry would be escorted to the nearest hospital where the whole thing had to be explained over and over again until finally it was agreed that Blurry would be restrained for the new future. There were talks of psychiatrist coming for an assessment but, unsurprisingly, it hadn't happened.

A private room at the end of a ward was assigned to them and they were put in 4-point restraints, tied down by their wrists and ankles, plus injected with a mild sedative to calm down the death threats that came alongside the unavoidable physical contact in strapping them down. Other than a nurse who was legally required to check Blurry was safe every few hours, they were left alone. Avoided at all costs.

Blurry had slept overnight very easily, not seemingly bothered by the straps, however Jenna was almost polar opposite. Her nails were all chewed to painful raw stumps and she hadn't slept a wink.

"Jenna, you should answer it." Kelly said quietly when her phone rang for the third time. She declined for the third time.  
"No,"  
"Who is it? Who don't you want to speak to?"  
"Josh." She murmured and immediately Blurry reacted to the mention of their new mortal enemy, pulling and jerking against the restraints whilst grunting and growling.  
"Blur, they're designed to take a bit of pulling, you're not getting out, settle down." Kelly warned them, feeling more confident knowing that they couldn't hurt her. "And Jenna, maybe you should think about answering, I get you're mad at him, I'm mad at him-"  
"I'm gonna kill him."  
"Blurry's gonna kill him. You don't have to forgive him or even be kind to him, but if he's in danger then I don't want you to regret not picking up the phone now. He made a lot of really bad decisions recently but he doesn't deserve to die because of it."  
"Yes. He. Does."  
"Fine, yeh, okay." Jenna sighed, ignoring Blurryface's spiteful snarls and taking her phone and stepping out of the room for a little privacy. She swiped the device unlocked and hit redial on the missed calls and waited for it to connect.

"Hello, Jenna Black?"  
"Hi, yeah, who is this? I'm calling for Josh?" She said nervously, worried that it was some nurse about to tell her that Josh had offed himself.  
"My name's Dr Cooper." The man replied and her heart pounded, she was right, Kelly was right, he was dead. "I'm a resident clinical psychologist at St Mary's psychiatric treatment centre here in Columbus and we've recently accepted Josh as a patient."  
"Right,"  
"I was just calling in hopes of having a discussion with you regarding your roommate's health of late, I understand he's been suffering with some hallucinations and I feel it would be beneficial to my understanding and consequently his recovery if I'm able to learn more about what's been happening at home recently. Is now a good time?"  
"Um, not really, I'm sorry, I just, I'm in hospital with my boyfriend, I can't, I can't leave him for long."  
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, I understand entirely. I'll be in possession of Josh's phone throughout his admission so whenever the time is right, please call this number and we'll talk further then. Thank you."  
"Okay, um, bye,"  
"Goodbye." The doctor said then hung up, and Jenna let her hand fall down to her side. Her body felt like lead but she somehow managed to stagger over towards a row of seats in the corridor and collapse into the end one.

Tears filled her eyes as she attempted to process what was going on. Two weeks ago their biggest concern had been whether they should go to a restaurant with Zack or get a takeout, and somehow since then everything had turned to complete crap. Debby had left, Josh had broken down and somehow been admitted to a psych unit, Tyler, well, Tyler was dead according to the psychopath with a lust for blood who occupied his body.

A single tear ran down her exhausted cheek as she thought about how far they'd all fallen.

Maybe it was an act of desperation, she wasn't sure, most likely it was just a comforting habit, but Jenna pulled out her phone again and scrolled through her contacts until she found Debby's name. Her finger shook as she pressed it, knowing it was a hopeless cause, but held it to her face anyway.

"Hey girl," Debby answered and for a moment Jenna paused, trying to remember whether she has one of those voicemails that tricked you into making a fool of yourself, but she was even more confused when she realised that Debby really was on the other end.  
"Debby?"  
"Haha yeah it's me, hiya, long time no speak! How are things?"  
"Oh my god I can't believe it's y-you," Jenna broke down into sobs, covering her face with her spare hand as she folded over in two. It was a mixture of relief and fear and simply being overwhelmed, and she couldn't stop.

"Oh sweetheart, oh Jen, Jenna, shh, it's okay, there's no need to cry, it's okay, I'm okay,"  
"I've been s-so s-scared,"  
"Honest Jen, you've got no reason to be scared, I'm okay, is J holding up alright?"  
"N-o-o,"  
"No?"  
"He, he, he tried to choke Ty a-and there was f-f-fighting a-and I tried to c-calm th-them d-own but I c-could-dn't and he c-cut, and he k-keeps tr-trigg-er-ring Ty a-and n-now T-Ty's g-g-on-ne a-and Blu-r-r-ry's fr-o-nt-ting and Jo-osh is in h-hos-hospit-al a-an-nd I d-don't kn-kn-know w-what to d-do,"  
"No no no, no that can't be true, no,"  
"I'm s-s-sorry,"  
"I'm coming back, I'm at my mom's in Cali but I can be there by tonight, tomorrow at the latest, don't worry I'll be home soon."  
"No, no it's n-ot s-safe for you." Jenna gulped.  
"Well it doesn't matter now does it, he's back."  
"W-what? Joaq-uin's b-back?"  
"Who? No, Blurryface."  
"Joaquin, we, we kn-know about h-im a-and the g-gang and N-New Yo-ork."  
"I don't know what you're talking about Jenna, try and calm down sweetheart, clear your mind." Debby said softly and Jenna tried, she really tried.

"Josh found out about your o-old life Deb."  
"Old life? I'm 22, I've lived with you for a year, I didn't have a life before that. I don't understand what you're talking about."  
"Joaquin Sanchez. The rea-reason you left t-town."  
"I left town because of Blurry."  
"Wait, what?" Jenna asked confused, sniffing.  
"When, um, when you were staying with your family for your uncle's funeral, Josh slept in Ty's room to keep them company and I slept alone."  
"Debby I don't, I don't u-understand. It's okay about the g-ang, it's okay, you don't ne-ed to l-lie."  
"I'm not in a gang! I've never been in a gang! I'm not lying! I left because your significant others threatened me!" Debby said and Jenna was lost for words.

"When I was sleeping alone one of the nights you were away, Tyler's system slipped into my room. At first I thought it was Ty, I thought they were scared, I invited them to climb into bed with me so I could hug them and help them calm down." She gulped. "But it wasn't Ty, it was Michael."  
"Oh God no." Jenna presumed the worst instantly.  
"Michael pinned me down, don't worry, they didn't, they didn't rape me," she whispered the word. "But I remember you saying that Tyler thought Michael could potentially do that to someone and I was so scared, I was so fucking scared."  
"I'm s-so-rry."  
"So I was pinned down and Michael was whispering in my ear, saying that he knew how to let Blurry front and he'd do it if I didn't do as he said. I remembered what you said about Blurry trying to murder those people at your school, about prison and insanity pleas and everything, and I was so scared. I knew it would be bad, so bad, if Michael let Blurry front, so I made a deal with him to do what he said and in return he wouldn't let him."  
"And w-what did he say?"  
"That I had to leave. Had to take all my photos, all my stuff, and leave town. I thought that I would be able to slip away whilst J was at church but he came home earlier than expected, and I am so sorry he had to see me like that. And I thought that once you got home, you'd find out Michael's plan and you'd know how to keep Blurry away and I would be safe to come home. I was waiting for a call, I thought, I thought this was it." Debby said sadly and Jenna wiped her tears as she tried to comprehend what was truly going on.

"Michael said that Tyler didn't know the plan, that he wouldn't remember what they had said to me, I don't know if that offers you any relief."  
"Tyler's gone." Jenna told her without a shadow of doubt. "I'm sorry, I, I've gotta go sort this out, I promise I'll call you later and I promise it's safe for you to come home."  
"Thank you Jenna." Debby said and Jenna had barely hung up before she stormed back towards the private room, pushing the door open angrily.

"You've really fucked everything up, you know that?!" Jenna snapped at Blurry, who only laughed in response. It was more of a cackle than a laugh. "You and Michael, with your little plan behind Tyler's back."  
"Jenna." Kelly said softly but she didn't stop.  
"No, you know what they've done Kelly?! They waited until I was out of town then they chased Debby away too so they could be alone with Josh and drive him fucking insane. He's just been admitted to a psychiatric hospital! You tortured him! And for what? Hey? For what?!"  
"He made Tyler brave. With Josh weak, Tyler was a pushover. Now Tyler's gone? There's nothing stopping us from hunting down and ripping apart the atrocity who thought he had the right to force himself upon us. Josh and Tyler were just victims of a war that I intend to win."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this chapter was kinda cool because it tied everything up, but I gave it to my bf to proof read and he didn't have a clue wtf was going on... so I'll spell it out!  
> Dr Cooper is really a psychologist, Josh is delusional because he is sick  
> Debby is telling the truth and Michael (&a Blurry) did threaten her  
> Joaquin Sanchez and everything about him, including how Josh discovered him (the scene where the tattoo shop guys have changed their names, the pottery woman, Lucius in the gym) was all a hallucination in Josh's mind and didn't take place. He is not a real character.  
> Debby was never in a gang or never lived in NYC  
> It was all part of Blurry's plan with Michael but Tyler was unaware as sometimes alters don't remember what other alters did whilst fronting  
> Any other questions you want me to clear up? Xx


	16. Chapter 16

Josh couldn't make his mind up about this new place he called home. In many ways he felt a lot safer, it was a big house with a high wall topped with spikes encircling the expansive gardens, every door had a lock on it, the windows were far too small for anyone to climb in through, there was a strict curfew and regular roll calls as well as constant patrolling by the security guards who curiously nicknamed themselves nurses. However simultaneously Josh felt far less safe, he didn't know anybody there, and there were so many more people than he had been expecting. He hadn't been there long enough to learn any names of the people in hiding, all he knew was that it was better to be safe than sorry and he should always be suspicious because anyone could be working for Joaquin.

The assassin had introduced Josh to a women by the name of Sally and reassured him that she would take good care of him, keep him safe and protected, looked after. Sally had lead him down a plain corridor and that had been the last time he'd seen Dr Cooper or his father.

Father had been silent on the drive to the secret hiding location, not even looking at Josh once, but once they'd arrived he gave Josh a roll of quarters and said to use the pay phone at the house to call him if he needed anything. There were no cell phones allowed, but it was safer that way. The coins were confiscated immediately however he was told that he could have them back when he wanted to use them. He had no intentions of using the phone, too dangerous, but the gesture was appreciated.

One of his biggest concerns was that he hadn't brought anything with him. All his clothes, everything he owned, was still as his apartment. He'd borrowed a change of clothes from one of his father's security guards whilst he was staying there, but he arrived at St Mary's empty handed. However the issue was quickly resolved when Sally showed him to his new bedroom and opened up the drawers to reveal 7 white t shirts, 7 pairs of black socks, 7 pairs of black boxer briefs, 4 pairs of navy elasticated cotton tracksuit bottoms, 3 sets of traditional blue striped cotton pyjamas, 2 identical navy fleeces with the St Mary's logo on the breast, and finally 1 pair of slippers. Shoes weren't allowed.

Sally explained that laundry days were Mondays and Thursdays and showed him where his washing bag was and where to put it once he had filled it. She then continued with a more extensive tour, pointing out a common room, a canteen, a quiet room, a row of small therapy rooms (Josh presumed it was a cover for something but couldn't quite figure out what, maybe places to stash bodies once the assassins had done their job?), an arts and crafts room, a group therapy room (place for large combat groups to organise themselves before a hit?), the way out into the garden, another corridor of bedrooms and then finally back to his room. She then gave him a printed timetable followed with words that he couldn't read and left him to settle in, saying she would come and check on him later.

It was difficult to know how exactly to settle in considering he didn't have anything to unpack, so instead he poked around his bedroom and inspected the whole place for bugs. The layout was fairly minimalist and yet still high quality. His new bed was pressed into the corner and Josh liked that, it meant he could have his back against the walls and know nobody was behind him whilst also being able to see the door and watch for intruders. Plus the soft lilac coloured blanket brought a splash of colour to the otherwise monochrome colour scheme. The chest of drawers containing his clothes was black, the desk which was host to a pad of paper and a pot of pencils was white, as was the accompanying chair, and the curtains were grey. Josh thought it a little weird that there was no closet, but he supposed he didn't need one.

A canvas picture filled a small area of one empty white wall and depicted an image of a lavender field. It was pretty but it was also plain and boring to look at if he was honest. On the opposite wall there was a single white shelf that had nothing on it, so Josh took off his baseball cap and set it down. No bugs in that room.

The other section of his private living quarters for the foreseeable future was a small ensuite bathroom. Basic was generous. He had a small sink, no plug, and a little shelf where a toothbrush and toothpaste has been left for him. The toilet seemed ordinary, the shower looked like the flow would be weak but he was yet to test it. Although a little underwhelming, the bathroom was safe too.

Safety brought relief, and relief enabled other feelings to come tumbling out of their suppression too. The dominant feeling was pure exhaustion, and he changed into his new pyjamas then climbed up into bed and huddled under the purple blanket. A while later Sally came back, she offered him the opportunity to eat some dinner, he said no, she offered him the chance to take some pills that would help him sleep, he said no, she offered him her company until he drifted off, he said no. He didn't remember anything after that.

  
The next morning he was awoken by a sharp knocking on the door. It startled him awake and he sat up sharply in his end, panting for a moment as he reminded himself where he was and told himself to calm down.

"Josh, morning. Are you awake?"  
"Yeh!" He called back, rubbing his eye. Sally let herself into his bedroom with a smile on her face and a new fake nurse's uniform that didn't have the same makeup smudge on the collar that yesterday's did.  
"It's time to get up honey."  
"Okay."  
"Breakfast in the canteen in 5 minutes, do you remember the way?"  
"I think so." Josh yawned.  
"Just follow the blue stripe on the floor and you can't go wrong. You need to be fully dressed, okay? Shirt, pants, underwear, slippers. Fleece and socks are optional."  
"Right." He found it weird that he had to be told to wear underwear, what kind of people was she used to protecting?

"Oh perfect, your old clothes, great. I'll take these and put them in storage." She picked up his folded pile of yesterday's outfit, even taking the hat off the shelf.  
"Why are you taking them?"  
"It's just policy darling, it's safest for everyone if you wear our clothes that have been safety checked."  
"Okay, but, but the hat? It's got, um, it's, it's sentimental, my girlfriend, she uh, she got it for me."  
"I understand. Personal items have to be earned though I'm afraid Josh, so you'll have to wait a little longer."  
"Earned? What do you mean? I'm paying you to do a job for me, I shouldn't have to earn my own possessions."  
"You're paying for a service, and that service comes with terms and conditions and this is one of them. Don't worry darling, Dr Cooper is going to be at the breakfast hall and I'm sure he'll explain fully how you can get your hat back, all you have to do is take part in sessions and look after yourself. Don't be late okay?"  
"Okay." Josh sighed and the woman left with the only things that made his room even remotely personalised.

He yawned again as he climbed out of bed, then looked around his room for a clock to see how long he'd slept for. It was at that moment he realised that there was no clock, and with no phone that meant he was completely in the dark as to what the time was. And for some reason, that unnerved him.

However, the hunger felt in his stomach far overwhelmed the anxiety, so he stood up and took out his new clothes from the drawers and began changing. The pyjamas he had worn to sleep in were extremely soft, and he noted that the new outfit he was putting on was also extremely soft. That seemed to be the theme, soft. All the sharp edges on the drawers etc had been sanded down to make them rounded, and Josh tapped the top gently and heard that it was thin and lightweight, and it set his imagination off. Maybe at some point in the past, a bad person had broken into the house and tried to smash someone's head against a cabinet, maybe they'd been seriously hurt, maybe even murdered?

At that point Josh could feel himself starting to panic, his heart starting to pound, his head starting to spin, so he told himself to take a deep breath and calm down. He finished getting dressed, put on his new slippers then cautiously slipped out of his bedroom and walked the short distance to the canteen.

It was a little overwhelming at first glance. There were about 7 or 8 other people dressed in identical outfits to his, each sat at a table opposite a person dressed in a nurse's uniform. Josh's first thought was clones, however he didn't have time for a second thought because Dr Cooper was sat alone at a table and waved at him with a smile. He was wearing a different 3 piece suit today and it made him stand out like a sore thumb.

"Good morning,"  
"Morning," Josh said a little quietly as he settled down in the seat meant for him, and saw a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice laid out for him.  
"I took the liberty of getting you cheerios, but if they're not your cup of tea then there's plenty to choose from." The assassin told him, gesturing behind him where Josh saw a stack of bowls, an almost empty jug of milk and about half a dozen boxes of various branded cereals.

"No this is okay thank you."  
"Good." He smiled as he took a mouthful from his own bowl. "So, how are you finding St Mary's?"  
"Okay I guess, I uh, I haven't really been here long enough to form an opinion."  
"Haha okay, you've got me there. And how did you sleep?"  
"Fine, yeh, I don't know how long for because I don't have a clock."  
"Yeah we don't keep them in people's bedrooms, we had an incident where a girl swallowed the batteries from hers and got very sick and had to go to ER and get her stomach pumped, so there are clocks in all the shared rooms and you can always ask a member of staff for the time, but you can't have your own."  
"She ate batteries? What? Why?"  
"There are a lot of unwell people in this house Josh, and some of them may decide that they don't want to be alive anymore. Now, there's no punishment for admitting that, you wouldn't be in trouble, it just means that we keep a closer eye on you and may enforce some slightly stricter sanctions that would ultimately be safer for you. We have a supervision system called 1:1, meaning one member of staff has the job of staying with you all the time to make sure you're okay, and they can either be at arms length or in sight, depending on how sick you are. Does that make sense?"  
"Yeh, but I'm not suicidal because I know you're good at your job and I have people waiting for me to get out of here who love me." Josh told him and he smiled warmly.

"I trust that you'll go to New York and kill Joaquin soon and then track down Debby and tell her we made it safe for her to come back to me." He said and the smile fell.

 

 

The first flight with an available seat from LA to Columbus wasn't until the morning after Debby had spoken to Jenna, so she spent the rest of the day crying and panicking and pacing and basically stressing her parents out. They understood she had to go back, they weren't going to stop her, they were just voicing concerns about the state she was in, and she was more than willing to agree with them that she was a mess.

The past week - or however long she had been there, time seemed to be moving so much slower - had consisted of a lot of pacing on her behalf and a lot of concern on her mom's behalf. They didn't see much of each other and she had turned up on their doorstep with all her possessions on her person and basically just broke down. She explained the situation in full, including telling them about Tyler's illness for the first time, and they had tried very hard to understand and sympathise but it was hard for anyone to wrap their head around. And just as things had begun to settle again, Debby was upping and leaving again.

Throughout the 4 hour flight, Debby was tapping away on the arm rest and bouncing her feet and chewing her nails, desperate to see J and the others again but also terrified for what she might find. Jenna had sounded hysterical and it was more than a little worrying from the girl who was always usually so collected and calm.

Once she landed at the airport and collected her ridiculous amount of of bags and climbed in the back of a cab, she called her best friend. Jenna told her that there had been no change in Blurryface's state, they were still restrained in hospital, and she had a little cry about it then recommended that Debby go back to the apartment and put her stuff down, then go to where Josh was and speak to a man named Dr Cooper who was expecting her. Jenna also said that Tyler had never disposed of her car and it was still parked up in the block's lot, and that was what made Debby start crying. For what reason? She didn't quite no.

She got to the apartment and it was a wreck, in fact, a wreck wasn't extreme enough. Jenna had said that her and Tyler had had a fight with Josh but she wasn't expecting for everything to be so utterly destroyed in the process. There was glass all over the floor, the microwave was smashed, the TV was smashed, everything off the mantelpiece was smashed. Her plan had been to try and relax for a little while, maybe take a shower, but the home was too anxiety provoking for her to stay another moment, and she quickly locked up again and drove straight to the address that Jenna had texted her.

St Mary's, that was the name of the unit and the words painted loud and proud on the sign outside the house, accompanied by a large rainbow and oak tree logo. The brightness and happiness was completely juxtaposing to the sharp spikes that lined the high perimeter wall and scared Debby. She had to take a moment to collect herself before pressing the buzzer and waiting to be let through the towering gates.

The house was admittedly beautiful, away from the busy city centre and surrounded by luscious gardens, but Debby couldn't concentrate on the architecture of the ivy covered building as she nervously parked then walked across the path to the door. Just as she was about to press the intercom to be let in, it was opened by a tall handsome man wearing a three piece pin stripe suit and a smile.

"Hi, Debby?"  
"Yeh,"  
"It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm Dr Cooper, Dr Adrian Cooper. Just this way please." He shook her sweaty hand then showed her in and lead the way past a receptionist and towards an office with his name printed on the door.

"Take a seat."  
"Thank you." She replied quietly, settling into the comfortable leather couch and looking around at all the inspiring quotes on the walls whilst he grabbed a file out of a cabinet then sat in the seat opposite.

"So, you're the illustrious Debby hey,"  
"I guess I am." Debby tucked her hair behind her ear nervously. "And you're J's therapist?"  
"Yeah, he's going to be doing quite a few different therapies but I'll be doing his CBT, so his talking therapy, and I'll also be his head of care whilst he's with us."  
"And how long will that be for?"  
"His admission?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Oh it's too soon to tell." He told her but knew she wanted more. "We have a meeting one morning every week with everyone involved in a patient's care plan and discuss and evaluate how we can improve it and whether they're fit for discharge. I'd say the average admission time for someone in Josh's position to stabilise is maybe 5 or 6 weeks, however there's no set minimum or maximum. We've had patients who have been in crisis and been admitted till they're safe, which can be a single day, then we also have patients who require 24, 36 months of care."  
"Wow okay," she gulped, trying to stay in control of her watering eyes as she realised the severity of the situation.

"I know it's a lot to take in, don't worry."  
"Yeah, um, uh, you said in Josh's position - what is his position? What's happening to him, w-why's he here?"  
"Oh yes, Jenna mentioned that you've been away."  
"I just went out of town for a little while, I, I thought he was stable, I didn't know this was going to happen, I never, I never should have left."  
"Don't blame yourself, it's very clear that you care about him deeply and would never try to hurt him."  
"Yeah," she mouthed silently as she wiped away an escaping tear.

"So what Josh is experiencing is a psychotic episode, and the two symptoms of that are hallucinations and delusions."  
"Ok,"  
"He's seeing things that aren't really there, so the incident that triggered his father to contact me was Josh became quite distressed over a snake he could see that was actually just in his mind." He told her but she didn't know what to say. "Then he has quite severe delusions, mostly surrounding this idea that there are people out to get him and out to get you, and he believes that he's here because he's in hiding and that I'm an assassin who's going to kill these people who are threatening you both."  
"Oh baby,"  
"Now I don't want you to be overly concerned, obviously he is unwell, however these sort of delusions are fairly typical of someone struggling with psychosis and therefore there are treatments that are widely accepted and used and do have positive prognoses. Just because he's sick doesn't mean he won't get better."

"Is it schizophrenia?" She asked tearfully.  
"Schizophrenia is a diagnosis that requires 6 months of ongoing episodes, Josh has only been unwell for about 10 days. Obviously I can't be certain but my best bet is this is just brief psychotic disorder, still a serious condition but has a better prognosis looking forwards."  
"What's the difference?"  
"It's caused by a stressful event or a stressful time-"  
"Me leaving?" She cried guiltily.  
"I think it's more likely to have been the news of his brother's deterioration." The doctor said but Debby was too scared to speak in case she started sobbing. "And the good thing about brief psychotic disorder is that it's brief, less than a month of symptoms, and usually the sufferer makes a full recovery."

"However throughout the next month, we do need to properly support Josh to make sure that he doesn't harm himself or anyone else, and hopefully help him process and understand what's happening to him and accept that it's not real and he doesn't need to be afraid. We're going to do that using therapy and medication and his program starts tomorrow to give him an opportunity to settle in today, but we'll be doing a full health check up this evening which will include weighing him for dosage purposes."  
"Ok." She nodded timidly. "He, he takes meds, he has some already."  
"He's on fluoxetine and sertraline, yes, I've contacted his previous psychiatrist and had his notes and medical records sent through. He'll continue on both of those but higher dosages, and we'll introduce antipsychotics too."  
"Ok."

"Um," she tried to gather the confidence whilst he quickly scanned over Josh's file again. "His, his father, you said he was the one who called?"  
"Yes, and I performed a home visit to his father's house."  
"Oh,"  
"Is that an issue?"  
"He, they, they have a complicated relationship, his parents and him,"  
"I understand he ran away from home when he was younger."  
"Yeh he did, they treated him very very badly, caused the anxiety and depression he already had before."  
"I'm sorry to hear that,"  
"Are they paying?"  
"His father is, yes."  
"Would, would it be possible to invoice Josh's own account instead? I just, I, I don't want them involved in this. If it's stability that he needs then he won't get that with them."  
"Right okay, you're correct in thinking that stability is a goal right now, I'll have to discuss it with both Josh and his father, but I will look into that for you." Dr Cooper said, taking a pen and jotting it in Josh's file.

"Can I see him?"  
"I think considering you play a key role in his delusions, it's probably in his best interest that he's settled before we pull you into the picture."  
"Please,"  
"I'm sorry, it's just not possible today."  
"Please, he's my boyfriend, he, I, I need to see he's safe, please, with my own eyes, please."  
"Hmm. How about this, there's a one way window in the common room where he currently is, would you like to see if we can see him from there? Bare in mind that I won't change my mind on speaking to him, and it might make it harder to walk away."  
"That would be nice, thank you." She lied, nodding tearfully. Adrian sighed, shut the file and put it back in the steel cabinet, then gestured for her to follow him out of the room again. She stood up, picked up her purse, wiped her tears then took a deep breath and stepped out into the corridor.

They walked in silence, except her sniffs, down a long plain corridor before finally hooking a right into a small dark room with a large window. A man, a nurse, was already sat in there observing and recording notes, and smiled when they entered.

"Hi Gary, this is Debby, she's the new patient's girlfriend and was hoping to watch him for a minute, is he in there?"  
"Josh, yep, he's just over in that corner." Gary pointed and Debby stepped up the glass, watching with tears streaming down her cheeks as she immediately found Josh's bright yellow hair in a sea of people wearing navy pants and white shirts.

He was sat alone, the others were in groups, and he wasn't watching the screen that most of them were. He was on the floor, legs sprawled out in front of him and hand latched firmly in his hair, curling and twirling the front strands like he always did when he was anxious. He was staring at a patch on the floor intensely and didn't blink for as long as he could bare to watch, and it broke her heart. God knows what he could see there.

"Please, please, could you give him this?" She gasped through the sobs, digging into her purse and pulling out the blank postcard that she promised Tyler she would send to say she was safe but had never got round to doing. The front was a generic tourist image of LA but the meaning was the important bit, and she was desperate for him to know she was okay.

"What is it? What does it mean?" Dr Cooper took it from her.  
"It's, um, it's a code, it means I'm alright, please, he needs to know, even if he can't see me right now, he needs to know."  
"He's been stable for the entire time he's been in there." Gary said when Dr Cooper looked at him for advice.  
"Okay."  
"Okay? Yes? You will?"  
"I will. One second, watch." He nodded, glancing at the card in his hand again then walking out of the room. Debby went back to the glass and chewed her nails anxiously as we waited to see Dr Cooper in there.

The sharply dressed man walked in and headed towards Josh be was intercepted by another patient. Debby had to watch whilst the time seemed to drag on forever as he spoke to the girl who had approached him, but at long last she went back to her friends and Dr Cooper went over to Josh.

He crouched down opposite him and Josh didn't make eye contact for a while until finally she could see him looking at him, then the postcard was passed across. Initially he looked confused, checking both sides, but then Debby watched in tears as realisation washed over his face and he gasped and mouthed her name. The postcard was dropped to the ground and he burst into tears, hiding his face behind his hands and sobbing for a moment then suddenly lurching forwards and wrapping his arms around Dr Cooper gratefully. The therapist hugged him back tightly, looking to the glass where she was standing and flashing her a small smile.

Josh knew she was okay. Now she just had to work out a way to actually be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a Josh oriented chapter, so the next will be a Blurry based one I promise x
> 
> Good news guys, I'm a month clean! It's the longest I've gone without harming in almost 2 years and I'm so freaking proud of myself :D xx


	17. Chapter 17

"One way or another I'm gonna find you," Blurry sang slowly and tunefully, enjoying finally being able to hear his deep voice rather than Tyler's high pitch squawks. "I'm gonna get you get you get you get you, one way or another, I'm gonna find you."  
"Win."  
"What was that?" They snarled, turning their head on the pillow to face Jenna in the armchair next to the hospital bed they were trapped in.  
"The lyric, the second time around, it's not find you, it's win you."  
"So?"  
"So you did it wrong Blur." She said bitterly, staring at her nails.  
"Look at me. Bitch, look at me, do I look like I give a single fuck?"  
"You look like you're tied to a bed."  
"Well at least I'm not dead." Blurry snapped. "Because you know who is? Your precious TyTy."  
"Alright that's enough Blurry, there's no need to upset her, she's done nothing to hurt you." Kelly intervened, but before they could have the last word, a nurse walked in.

"Hi, sorry, just need to check his vitals." She said timidly, clutching a clipboard tightly.  
"Nurse."  
"Yes?"  
"Nurse, would you like to hear a story?" They offered in the slow and steady tone they had longed to hear for so long.  
"Um, okay?"  
"Once upon a time in a land far away there lived a little girl named Jennifer." Blurry began slyly and Jenna let out a sigh. She was listening. "And Jennifer lived with her family in a tiny little house in the woods. Everyday Jennifer would tie up her long blonde hair with a ribbon, kiss her mother on the cheek, then walk along the path through the woods on her way to the village to go to market. However one day, one day Jennifer was too busy thinking about the colours of the flowers to look where she was going, and she stood on a wolf's tail. Now, the wolf, the wolf was forgiving. The wolf had his big red eyes on a bigger prize, he was watching a nasty boy playing in the forest, he was planning an attack, he was learning, he was far too busy to waste his energy on tiny little Jennifer."

Blurry stopped for a moment and none of the three women spoke a single word, and that made him happy. He had complete control of the room.

"But Jennifer, poor poor tiny little Jennifer, she didn't understand how insignificant she truly was. She thought to herself, maybe I'm special, maybe I'm different, maybe the wolf likes me and maybe the wolf likes it when I tread on him. So when she was walking back home from the market through the forest and she saw his bushy tail again, she pressed the sole of her shoe deep into the animal's flesh without the tiniest amount of remorse. Now, do you think the wolf liked that Nurse?"  
"No?" She squeaked quietly, rightfully afraid.  
"No, that's right, the wolf didn't like that. The wolf did not like that one bit. However, the wolf was much smarter than little Jennifer, so rather than running away, the wolf stayed in the same place the next day and the next day and the next day, and without fail on each of those days, Jennifer stood on his tail."

"Jenna-fer, the thing you have to know about Jennifer is that she's naive, she's young, she's inexperienced in the wolf's ways, she doesn't understand that the world isn't always as cheerful as the flowers that decorate it. Before the day of the wolf, she found a baby bird with a broken wing and she took it home with her and alongside her mommy, she nursed the baby bird back to health. When the time was right, she went out into the woods and released the bird. That night she slept easy, thinking she had done the right thing by helping this baby to get better, meanwhile the wolf was having to dispose of said bird, jumping up and tearing at its wings till it couldn't fly, then ripping it apart, one painful bite at a time."  
"Bl-" Kelly started but they were having none of it.  
"You see, Nurse, what's broken can't be fixed. The bird was doomed from the start, it would never fly high again, and what little Jennifer did was extend its miserable life and worsen its inevitable death."  
"Tyler's n-" Jenna started to say.  
"Did I sound like I was finished?! DID I?!"  
"No,"

"Silly Jenna has forgotten all about silly Jennifer. Do you remember silly Jennifer Nurse?"  
"Yes, she, she stepped on the wolf's tail."  
"That's right. Everyday she stepped on his tail, and everyday the wolf was learning. The wolf knew what time she'd be there, the wolf knew where she was coming from, the wolf knew how fast her little feet could carry her. The wolf knew everything that he needed to know in order to catch and kill her. Now, the irony is that the wolf was never originally going to eat little Jennifer, the wolf had been plotting to kill the nasty boy in the forest who had broken the bird's wing in the first place. The wolf didn't like it when his fellow animals were harmed, he didn't want to have to put the bird out of its misery, but it was the kind thing to do, and killing the nasty boy was the kind thing to do to protect the other animals. However Jennifer, with her constant poking of the beast, she was distracting him from his work as a Good Samaritan, and she was becoming the problem. If Jennifer had left the wolf alone then the wolf would have killed the nasty little boy and the wolf would be full and the woods would be safe and Jennifer would have gone home to her mommy like normal. But no, Jennifer was stopping the wolf from doing good, Jennifer had become the problem, and now the wolf had to eat her and the nasty little boy in order to keep the woodland animals free from harm."

"The boy had to die, the bird had to die, the girl didn't. If only the girl had left the wolf alone then maybe she'd still have her pretty little head connected to her pretty little body."

 

 

 

To say Blurryface was fearless would be a lie. He feared many things, he wasn't ashamed of the truth and he wouldn't lie to himself. He was afraid of unfulfilled potential, he was afraid of being held back, he was afraid of never seeing the fear in someone's eyes as he squeezed the life from their limp body. He was also afraid of men.

When Dr Andrews, Tyler's DID specialist, let himself into their hospital room, Blurry's instincts went wild as he desperately scrambled to shelter himself from the threat, tugging against the straps that dug into their skin painfully.

"Calm down, calm down, it's just me," the man said, holding up his hands as Blurry squeezed their eyes shut tightly and tried to escape and protect themselves. "It's me, Dr Andrews, I'm not going to hurt you,"  
"Sorry, no, sorry, you've got to leave Doc," Kelly decided, standing up and ushering him back to the door.  
"Okay, let's talk outsi-"  
"No, don't leave, stay, torture him, he deserves it." Jenna snarled.  
"Jenna," Kelly sighed whilst Blurry twisted and turned.  
"He's a horrible horrible person!"  
"No, they're my children and they're sick and scared, and we don't punish people for that. Please, Doc, let's talk outside." She insisted and the pair left, leaving Jenna and Blurry alone in the room. Finally, he could relax.

"Bitch." They hissed.  
"Dick." She hissed back.

Blurry gulped away his fear and breathed in deep breaths, trying to regain his composure. There was no doubt that he was still the one with the power in the room, Jenna was a whimpering crying mess half of the time, but it always took a second longer than expected to calm down again after seeing a male.

"You know, you think you're so fucking untouchable." Jenna said, leaning against the rail of their bed. "Which is ironic in a way, since all it would take is one tap of one finger for me to have you in hysterics."  
"I know why you're doing this." Blurry growled deeply as she raised her index finger and hovered it above them threateningly. "You think that if you piss me off enough then I'll retreat and your precious Tyler will come running back you, well news flash bitch, he's not coming back."  
"I'll get him back and together we'll make sure you never see the light of day again."  
"Be my guest, I've just got a few matters to take care of first,"  
"You seriously still think you can kill Josh? Blur, you d-"  
"Not Josh."  
"Lemme guess, me too?"  
"Please, you're not worth my time. Bigger fish to fry." They chuckled.

"And Josh will take care of himself, I planted the bomb and soon enough it will go off and he'll be gone."  
"You're wrong Blur, he's not gonna kill himself, he's in hospital, he's being looked after constantly, Debby's back now, he's going to be completely fine."  
"What, like you told Ty he would be? Well that worked out just great, didn't it?"  
"What are you on about?"  
"2 weeks after the rape, 2 weeks after we were raped, you got into the closet where Tyler was hiding and you hugged him and he cried and you told him that he was going to be completely fine. You lied to him. You lied to him! YOU LIED TO HIM!" Blurry shouted, getting angrier and angrier.

"Hey hey hey, Blur, shh darling, Momma's here, and guess what sweetheart?" Kelly rushed back into the room. "Dr Andrew said we can take you home, the nurse is going to discharge you and take off the restraints in a minute."  
"What?!" Jenna exclaimed.  
"Dr Andrew thinks, and I agree with him, that keeping Blurry tied up here isn't going to help them improve. What he's suggesting is that we go back home, submerse them in Tyler's things, make him feel safe in a familiar environment, see if we can tempt him out."  
"One way, or another, I'm gonna find you," Blurry through their head back and sang happily, perfect, their plan was going exactly according to plan.

 

 

  
"Josh, Josh darling, I need you to step away from the gates for me," Sally said slowly and calmly, the other 2 nurses who had run out to the gardens with her also standing slightly back from him to give him some space. However he knew he was surrounded, he knew they were closing in, he knew his only option was to continue rattling the towering steel gates until eventually they gave way and released him from this prison.

"Josh, can you come back inside with me please honey?"  
"Stay away from me!" He begged, close to tears.  
"Josh I'm not coming any closer I promise, I just want you to come inside with me please,"  
"NO!"  
"No? Why not darling?"  
"You have to let me go! PLEASE!"  
"Sweetheart you can go home when you're better, but right now you need to come back to the house with us and finish art therapy."  
"She, she, Debby's safe, Joaquin's dead, Dr Cooper assassinated him so she's safe and I'm safe, and I want to go home now!" Josh tried to shout but his voice cracked and a tear escaped down his cheek, "I want to go home,"

"Josh, honey, you will go home one day, but the way you get to go home isn't by running away, it's by getting better, and the way you get better is by attending sessions in the house. So, will you come back to the house with me?"  
"No," he shook his head determinedly, then turned back to the black bars of the gate and started shaking them again and again, praying that maybe someone would drive down the long road to get there and would see him and rescue him. He knew the chances were thin, but he did it anyway. Now that he knew that Debby was safe and that she was out there, he was more determined than ever to be with her, and refused to be held back by a simple physical barrier.

"Josh." The familiar voice of Dr Cooper said and he immediately stopped, gasping in a tearful gulp as he turned to face the man wearing yet another three piece suit. "Josh, come here bud,"  
"I wanna go home," he sniffed as he took the shaky steps over to the man.  
"Thank you guys, I've got this from here." He dismissed the members of staff and they headed back to the building, but thankfully he didn't force Josh to do the same.

"What happened man? Last thing I heard, you were gonna try and go to your first group? Did things not go quite to plan?"  
"I, I, I, I wanna go home,"  
"Alright, I understand, home sickness is normal. Should we take a walk together? I know the gardens weren't included in your tour?" He offered and Josh begrudgingly nodded, knowing it was his best shot at finding an escape route.

"Why won't they let me go?" Josh whispered to his feet as they walked along the green lawn perimeter slowly.  
"Because we can only let you go once we know that you'll be safe."  
"But you killed Joaquin, you made it safe,"  
"I didn't kill him, all I did was learn that Debby is definitely not in danger."  
"And the only way you could have done that, the only way she could be is if you killed him."  
"I-"  
"It's okay, I'm not wearing a wire, you're not being recorded or tapped, you won't get in trouble."  
"I know,"  
"You're a pro, you don't want to take the risk of getting caught, and I respect that, I just, I wanna go home now Doc, please, I don't need to be in hiding anymore, I need to be with her."  
"She needs more time before she's ready to be with you."  
"What? Why?"  
"She's had a stressful couple of days, she needs to collect herself first, and I promised that I would look after you and give her some space to look after herself. Does that sound okay?"  
"Did she say that? That she wanted me here for a few more days?"  
"Yes she did Josh."  
"Okay then." He sighed, wiping away his tears.

"How did you get out here Josh? You need a garden pass to open the door and you haven't earned one yet."  
"One of the girls, she left it on the side of the table at breakfast."  
"Okay Josh, it's very important that we don't take things that don't belong to us."  
"She wasn't using it."  
"No, but what if she had wanted to later? All of those people in the house, all your fellow patients, they work very very hard for their rewards. Now I don't know whose you took, but for example Lucy has been with us for 5 weeks and has been doing an excellent job of controlling her behaviour and attending sessions, and today was the first time that she was granted a garden pass. Can you imagine how upset she might be if you've taken that from her? Snatched it away?"  
"I wanted it though."  
"Well you have to earn it Josh, can I have it back now?" He asked and Josh begrudgingly pulled the credit card sized access pass from the back pocket of his soft navy pants and gave it to him. "Good, thank you."

They walked in silence for a moment and Josh refused to look around at the flowers or the statues, he was in a bad mood and he was upset and he wanted Debby, and so to punish Dr Cooper he wouldn't let himself enjoy the most likely beautiful environment.

"Sally told me you took your meds this morning, well done."  
"There were my normal ones and some different ones."  
"Yeah that's right, are you okay with that?"  
"They tasted like copper in my mouth."  
"Oh no, that's not nice, I'm sorry about that. Will you still take them for me though Josh?"  
"I guess."  
"Thank you."

"Wh-what, what are they?"  
"The new drugs?"  
"Yeah,"  
"They're antipsychotics,"  
"I don't need them."  
"Here, sit with me a sec." Dr Cooper said, and he looked up and saw a wooden bench just up ahead. Dragging his feet, he slowly made his way over to the bend and sat beside him, playing with his over peeled nail.

"Can I tell you a secret?"  
"What?" Josh asked.  
"It's quite a big secret, will you keep it for me?"  
"Okay."  
"I own more suits than underwear." He said and Josh rolled his eyes because that was not the sort of information he was after. "I'm serious man, I own more suits. Now your turn."  
"My turn?"  
"Yeh, tell me a secret. Anything."  
"Urm, I, uh, I don't wanna play this game?"  
"Well that ain't a secret, anyone could tell that." Dr Cooper smiled. "Come on, what's something about you that not many people know."  
"I, um, okay, I never learnt how to ride a bike."  
"Okay, my go, I'm secretly a massive fan of bubble baths."  
"Sometimes when my roommate is asleep, I steal their puzzles." Josh said before adding. "The ones for their 4 year old girl alter."  
"You like the princess puzzles hey?"  
"Just like finishing what I start. Puzzles with 32 pieces are much easier than 1000."  
"Very true, very true." He nodded with a smile.

"Go on, let's do one more each." Dr Cooper decided a second later. "In college I didn't make the football team, so I joined the cheerleading squad and honestly they were some of the best times of my life."  
"Cheerleading?" Josh smirked, trying to imagine the assassin doing the sport.  
"Hey don't knock it till you try it," he laughed. "And you? Your last one?"  
"I, um, the first time I made my own bed I was 18."

"I'm telling you secrets here Josh, and yes, maybe they're silly ones, but I'm trusting you, and in return you're trusting me. This is a two way street, okay?"  
"Right," he fiddled with the collar of his white t-shirt, missing having his necklaces to occupy his wandering fingers.  
"And you've done really well, but what I need you to start doing now is building and building your trust in me, and in return I'm going to start trusting you more."  
"Like, l-like what?"  
"So you have to start trusting that everything I'm doing is in your best interest, and in return I'll start trusting you with privileges. You trusted me enough to come and stay with us here at St Mary's, and in return I gave you that post card-"  
"Thank you again,"  
"That's okay mate, and that's the way things work here, not by trying to run away. If you trust me and trust that these new pills are the right decision, then I'll trust you with a garden pass, how does that sound? You take your meds tonight and tomorrow morning and I'll give you your own pass to come out here for an hour tomorrow afternoon."  
"Okay." Josh nodded, deciding that the vast greenness was far preferable to the bland white walls inside.

"And ultimately, end goal, if you trust me when I say that when the time is right I will let you go home, then when the time is right then I will let you go home, okay?"  
"Okay."  
"Good lad."

 

 

Jenna sat in the back of the car, her mother in law driving and her biggest fear in the passenger seat. Although she was nervous with them there, imagining all sorts of scenarios where they grabbed the steering wheel and killed them all, she was terrified of them being alone in the back, behind her where she couldn't see what they were doing.

The drive from the hospital to Kelly's house was only about 10 minutes, however nobody said a word the entire journey. Occasionally Blurry would hum some eerie tune, but otherwise it was silent, and Jenna felt no more comfortable when they all climbed out of the car and up the path.

Thankfully Kelly had kept her husband in the loop, and he had had time to clear the house of anything that could potentially be used as a weapon, although Jenna was in no way convinced they were safe. Yes, there were no knives, but she had no doubt that Blurry would be able to kill her with a toothpick if they set their mind to it. At least Chris had gone with Jay and Maddy to stay at their grandparents so they would all be out of harm's way. She wasn't quite so lucky.

"Right here we are sweetheart, settle down," Kelly said to Blur, gesturing to the couch casually, not seeming anywhere near afraid as Jenna was. "Are you hungry? Do you want something better to eat than the mush they served at the hospital?"  
"Typical woman." Blurry sighed, throwing themselves onto the armchair with their hands behind their head, not caring as their dirty sneakers rubbed mud into the cream fabric. "Get cooking."  
"Alright angel, I'll make Ty's favourite, blueberry pancakes coming right up." She smiled then left Jenna alone with them.

She couldn't help but stare. The person sat opposite her looked like Tyler, had his hair, his eyes, his everything except his attitude. The twisted snarl on their lips looked nothing like her innocent baby, the way they tapped their fingers to a beat was completely different to how Tyler anxiously picked their nails, even the deep husky breaths were different. Different and truly terrifying.

"Staring won't bring him back."  
"I wasn't-"  
"Bullshit." Blurry snapped, turning to face her.  
"Go on then, if you're so clever, what will bring him back?"  
"Tyler?" They cackled. "Nah, that fucker's gone."  
"Why do you hate him so much Blur? I'm serious, why do you hate him so much?" Jenna asked.  
"Because he was a pussy ass bitch who never stood up for himself."  
"Stood up against what? Against who? Michael?" She retorted, watching as they suppressed a shiver at the mention of the name.

"What does it matter bitch? He's gone. Get over it."  
"It matters to me. Blur I do understand why you're so angry, I'm still furious too, but all my anger is directed at Michael and I know that used to be the same for you, so why did you turn on Tyler? You're angry because he got hurt, surely you should be angry at the person who hurt him?"  
"You don't know what you're talking about."  
"I know that you used to be Andrew but on steroids, I know that you used to be a protector, and now what? I'm supposed to believe that you killed him?? Please, you care about him far too mu-"  
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" They suddenly screeched, but Jenna did her best to maintain her resolve.

"You don't scare me. You work best in the shadows, you're a good manipulator but when it comes to fronting, you don't-" Jenna was cut off when suddenly they moved faster than she thought possible and lunged at her, instantly finding her throat with their hand and squeezing.  
"I don't what? Huh? HUH?" They spat in her face whilst she attempted to gasp a wheezy breath. "I killed Tyler, I killed him because he was jeopardising everything. I killed-"  
"B-l-ugh!" She choked out, desperately trying to peel their hands off her neck as she felt her face turning redder and redder but failing.

"I killed him because he was going to destroy us all. He wanted to meet his rapist again, he was considering mediation, can you believe that, can you Bitch? He was going to torture us, I had to kill him before he killed us all. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!"  
"Pl-ee-s." Jenna gargled against their suffocating grip, each fingertip piercing deep into her flesh and each second her body begging for oxygen more than the last.

"Blurry get off her this instance! I will have you restrained again! Get off!" Kelly walked back in and ordered, but they took their time obeying, and Jenna instantly burst into a fit of splutters and a fit of tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so turns out I'm obsessed with the name Andrew??  
> 1) Dr Andrews  
> 2) Andrew (alter)  
> 3) St Andrew's psych hospital
> 
> Sooooo I'm gonna change it to St mary's and nobody's gonna say anything and it's gonna be seamless, k? Cool.


	18. Chapter 18

When Jenna woke up, it took her a minute to recognise her surroundings and remember where exactly she was. After Blurry had choked her, she decided she could no longer stay in the same house as them and have any hope of sleeping, which she was in dire need of, so with Kelly's encouragement she went back to their apartment and was greeted with open arms by a very tearful Debby.

She was very impressed and relieved to discover that Debby had swept up all the evidence of the fights that had gone down there recently, knowing she probably wouldn't have been able to cope with another task after the week from Hell. Debby hadn't got round to replacing all the damaged stuff, but at least she had put all of her photos back up and the broken glass was gone and that was enough for Jenna. The best friends cried together for a while before both climbing into Josh and Debby's bed, and Jenna had fallen asleep almost instantly. Days camped out in plastic hospital chairs and nights at her in-laws with a chaotic system had meant she couldn't remember the last time she had properly slept.

After rubbing her eyes into focus, she rolled over to see Debby but immediately panicked when she saw she was alone in the bed.  
"De-" she tried to call out but was cut off by the hoarseness of her throat, barely able to squeak out a single sound. She reached up to her neck and winced when she accidentally prodded a bruise that must have formed overnight. Her eyes filled with tears but she told herself not to cry, not again.

With shaky bare feet, she climbed off the mattress and walked slowly out of the bedroom, and felt relief wash over her when she was Debby stood at the counter. She hadn't run off again.

"Good morning," she smiled and Jenna waved, not trusting her vocal chords. "Is everything okay?"  
"My voic-" Jenna managed to whisper before the sound ran out.  
"Oh my god, are these bruises from what Ty-, what Blurryface did to you?" Debby asked, rushing over to her and gently tilting her chin up to get a better look.  
"Ye-"  
"Oh darling, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do, ice? I can wrap you up some ice? Or hot lemon and honey? I'm not sure what will help."  
"Um," Jenna gulped and instantly regretted it. "Water?"  
"Yeh of course, sit down on the couch, I'll get you a glass then I'll join you."

She didn't even both trying to reply, just smiled appreciatively and nodded, then walked across the cold wooden floor to the open plan living room and settled down in the corner of the L shaped couch, picking up a cushion and hugging it against herself.

The couch had been the host of so many good time, and Jenna had to try very hard not to get upset as she remembered them. Endless movie nights. Fort building sessions. Pillow fights. Every cliche she could think of and every cliche she craved so badly.

"Here you go,"  
"Thanks," she mouthed silently as Debby tucked herself next to her, hugging her knees casually.  
"Can you swallow okay?" Debby asked and Jenna nodded as she took small sips. "Don't worry yourself too much, okay? It'll heal, you'll be okay, just relax today."  
"I'll, try," the blonde croaked.  
"I've got a few things I need to do today, are you going to be okay staying home by yourself? Or do you want me to call someone, Jess maybe, to come and sit with you?"  
"I'm fine," she lied hoarsely. "What, a-are you do-ing?"  
"Urm, well I need to go down to my parlour and pay the boys and check everything's running smoothly, plus I spoke to Sailor and he said that Josh went there last week and was shouting and screaming so I need to explain the situation to them." Debby yawned. "Then I need to go to the flower shop and tell Ethel why Josh hasn't been at work and won't be at work any time soon, need to tell the little league guys why he won't be going to baseball, need to tell the gym guys not to book him for any sessions, then I really ought to buy some groceries because we've got nothing in, quick visit to the bank the authorise an account with St Mary's to invoice Josh and my shared account rather than his dad's, and last but not least I'm visiting Josh."

"A-are, are, you gon-na, be, okay?"  
"Yeah, I um, I need to keep busy, need to be doing something to keep my mind distracted. Plus I'm finally getting to see my baby, so yeah, even if it's only for half an hour, I'm still looking forward to it. I'll be okay, I'm sure I'll be okay."

 

 

"Why don't you hate me?" Blurry asked, continuing to scoop sugar out of the pot with the spoon and lifting it high above the silver container, then letting it tumble back down.  
"Hate you? Why would I hate you?" Mom replied and they scoffed.  
"Well I killed your son for a start." They retorted but she didn't react. "I tried to stab those kids in school, almost got your son sent down for it. He was looking at 20 years, wasn't he?"  
"Yeh, so?"  
"What, so you don't care?"  
"I knew my Tyler wasn't guilty, I have faith in the justice system, I wasn't worried."  
"Even when we were in that jail cell?"  
"Blur, the first thing the attorney said to me when I sat down in his office was that he knew we could get you found to be not guilty. I trusted him and I was right to do that."  
"Legally insane though, that's just offensive." They sighed, dropping the spoon with a clatter.

"You walked away from trying to stab 3 minors in a school without so much of a sniff of a charge, does the label really the matter?"  
"IT MATTERS TO ME!"  
"Sit down Blurry, that doesn't work with me and you know it." Mother stared them down, and begrudgingly they flopped back down the wooden chair at the kitchen table. "I know it's not nice, being seen as insane in the eyes of the law, but you're not insane in my eyes."  
"I don't give a fuck what you think."  
"I know that's not true-"  
"N-"  
"Blurry let me finish." She commanded. "I know that's not true, I know you value my opinion and appreciate my affection, otherwise you wouldn't have asked if I hated you."  
"So fucking conceited."

"Go on, if you don't care what I think then why did you even ask? Why are we even talking? Why aren't you up in your bedroom hatching some evil plan rather than having an 11 o clock cup of tea with your mom?"  
"I want to know why you're not scared of me. Everyone else is, fuck, everyone else has scuttled off to their own little mouse hole to take shelter from big bad Blurry, so why on Earth is Mommy Joseph having tea with me?"  
"Mommy Joseph is having tea because I'm exactly that, I'm your Mommy." She said and took a sip from her mug whilst they scoffed again. "I'm your mom Blur, I love you, you're my son and your actions and your threats won't ever change that. You don't stop loving someone just because they act a certain way out of fear."  
"That's soppiest pile of fucking bullshit I've ever heard."

"And you wanna know the truth Blur? You remind me of Tyler."  
"That pathetic worthless little shit?"  
"Oi, don't call him that, he's very brave and very strong and very worthy."  
"What does it matter, he's dead."  
"He's not dead," she shook her head casually. "Because, to me at least, you're all Tyler. Tyler isn't just an alter and a host, he's also the name and the person that all of you combined make up. I see Tyler in all of you, I see a younger him in Lilly, I see the way he cares about people in Willow, I see his thirst for knowledge in Johnny, but most of all I see him in you."  
"Why?" Blurry asked, wanting to sound threatening but also admitting to themselves that he was curious.  
"Because before the trauma, Tyler was an angry child. He had a short temper, he wasn't violent but he was angry a lot. It was never to get what he wanted, he just got angry when he felt there was some sort of injustice. And then when he got a bit older and he found out he was pan, he was very angry at himself for not working it out sooner, and he was very angry at himself for cheating on Jenna." She stopped to take a sip of her tea again.

"And when he, M, started hitting my Tyler, that was when he started to lose that side of him. He stopped noticing the injustice, he stopped standing up for what he believed in, he stopped getting angry and he simply forgave a pathetic excuse of a man that shouldn't have been forgiven." Kelly said and Blurry could feel the fire burning within, licking up their throats and begging to be voiced. "Even when the trauma happened, the sexual assault, Tyler couldn't fully see the injustice and didn't feel angry at the right person. 7 years on, I'm still not entirely convinced he doesn't blame himself. So yeh, having you and knowing that you are a part of Tyler and a part that is actually mad at M for what he did to you, it does bring me some comfort."

"They want to keep me locked away, everyone in the system. Everyone external wants to keep me locked away too. All I want is what's best for Tyler."  
"But you hurt people Blurry, that's why people don't like it when you front."  
"I only hurt people who deserve it."  
"Debby, Josh, they deserved it? Blur, Josh's in hospital and by the sounds of it he's not doing so well. He's been hallucinating, what could he possibly have done to deserve being put through that?"  
"He was stopping me from protecting Tyler, he had to be stopped."  
"How was he?"  
"They were a strong team."  
"And that's bad because...?"  
"Because they were a strong team heading in the wrong direction. Tyler wants to meet with Michael, confront him, talk to him, fucking mediate with him, and he was moments away from asking Josh to support him. You know full well that Josh would have gone along with it and it would have destroyed the system. I had to step in."

"Is it a control thing Blur? You thought seeing Michael would be too much, would break the system, so rather than letting him kill Ty you wanted to be in control and do it yourself?" Kelly asked and Blurry stopped to contemplate the question but before coming to an answer, she continued to talking. "Because last time you saw him, you weren't in control and it didn't end well."  
"DIDN'T END WELL?! HE FUCKING RAPED US!"  
"Bl-"  
"No! NO!!!" They screamed, standing up and not caring as the chair clattered to the ground. There were no words to even vaguely represent the fury inside, so they stood up and punched the window of the cupboard and barely felt any pain as the glass shattered and cut their hand.

 

 

 

Despite never meeting his parents, Debby could tell that it was so typical of them to always demand the best. She didn't exactly have a lot of experience in psychiatric hospitals but she could tell that not many of them would be as luxurious as this one seemed to be.

The waiting room alone was host to 8 oil paintings in ornate frames and some of the comfiest chairs Debby had ever sat on. She'd signed in with the woman on reception, an attractive skinny woman with her blonde hair tied back tightly in a slick bun and a crisp black dress accentuating her figure. Posh place filled with pretty people that she had to admit made her feel slightly self conscious about the ripped jeans and oversized plaid overshirt she was wearing.

The woman, Victoria, had told her that Dr Cooper would collect her in a moment but time seemed to have stood still as she anxiously drummed her fingers against the arm of the chair, the only noise in the whole room. There was one other person waiting, who seemed most likely to be a patient's rich grandmother draped in pearls and lipstick, and they made eye contact once but Debby felt so inferior that she made sure to never look in her direction again.

So time dragged on and on and her imagination grew wilder and wilder as she pictured how the meeting was going to go. Of course she was excited, so excited, but she was also terrified. Dr Cooper had told her she played a pivotal role in her boyfriend's delusions and nobody had any idea how he would react to seeing her again. She imagined all the potential outcomes, all the different things she might do which would trigger a breakdown, maybe even just seeing her would be too much.

"Miss Ryan? Follow me please," another woman dressed in a white nurse's outfit said from the door and Debby anxiously picked up her purse and followed her down a labyrinth of corridors before finally entering an empty room with 4 white walls and 4 soft lime green chairs.

"Please, sit down,"  
"Thank you," she said timidly as they sat opposite each other.  
"So my name's Sally, I'm Josh's named nurse, which basically means I'm his main nurse and I'm with him most of the day. Right now he's in Dr Cooper's office with him, where he's being told that you've come for a visit."  
"Right okay,"  
"As you can probably guess, predicting how an irrational service user is going to react is a near impossible task, so what Dr Cooper's doing now is talking Josh through the process and recommending coping strategies for every emotion he may experience when he sees you."  
"Good," Debby whispered.  
"And I'm here to do the same for you in a way,"  
"Yeh,"

"Josh has been a service user here for 3 days now, and that's not enough time for him to learn and explore and accept his illness just yet."  
"So he still believes it's true? About the gangs and everything?"  
"Yes he's still firmly absorbed by the delusion,"  
"What do I do then?" She asked nervously.  
"It's a difficult line to walk I'll admit, the aim is to both listen to what he's saying but not encourage him. These are real fears he's having, and it's not going to help anyone by simply dismissing them and saying they're not true."  
"Yeh,"  
"But at the same time, let's not feed the story."  
"W-what, how do you mean?"  
"So if he asks you a question, something about this gang for example, don't give him new information which will give him more evidence to confirm it in his mind. He doesn't need more backstory because it will make it harder to eventually convince himself it's not real."  
"Ok, but, but if he asks me something, he asks me why the gang were after me, what do I say? I can't make up a reason but I can't tell him there was no reason."  
"If in doubt, it's best to say something along the lines of either you don't know or you're not at liberty to discuss it."  
"Right," she sniffed, pulling at the string from a rip above her left knee.

"It's difficult I know, but both Dr Cooper and I will remain in the room throughout the visit so we'll be here to guide you if you become stuck at any point."  
"Thank you,"

"Do you have any questions?"  
"Is he okay? I mean, silly question, obviously he isn't okay, but is he happy? Or at least coping to some degree?"  
"He's doing well, all things considered." Sally smiled but Debby wasn't sure what to believe. "We've been talking, he's told me that he's not been having any urges to self injure, he's not been having panic attacks, he's not been hallucinating as far as we're aware. He's been talking his meds, taking walks in the gardens, attending the occasional group session and all his meals. For a service user in his position, he's doing more than okay. He's a fighter."  
"Thank you Sally."

"They should be here any moment now, so, before they arrive, just a few pointers. Let Josh make the first move, if he wants to hug then hug, if he want to kiss then kiss if you'd like, and if he just needs some time then you need to give him that. I know it can be hard to think about what's best for someone else in a situation that's so personal to you, but-"  
"I have to put his needs first, I know," she gulped and Sally nodded. "It's, that's, that's what love is, right? Putting their needs before your own?"  
"Right,"

Before Debby could say another shaky word, a sharp knock on the door startled her and set her heart racing a million beats a second. Sally gave her a reassuring nod before answering.  
"Come in,"  
"Afternoon ladies, Debby," Dr Cooper smiled as he entered, holding the door open as Debby anxiously waited for her boyfriend to follow. "Josh, take a breath, you can do this. Remember what we talked about?"  
"Yeh," Josh mumbled out of sight and Debby could only stop herself from either gasping or sobbing by biting down on her lip. He was right there.

"Are you gonna come in? Debby's in here."  
"You promise?"  
"I promise, she's right there." Dr Cooper reassured him, then gestured for her to identify herself.  
"Baby? It's m-" she could barely choke out before suddenly he appeared and threw himself at her in the tightest hug she could imagine, rocking her chair back but keeping her so close to his chest that she knew she wouldn't fall as the tears escaped down her cheeks.

"J-osh," she cried as she managed to stand up, still in his arms. He repositions slightly and pulled her hair against his lips, swapping between kissing her crown and whispering against it.  
"I'll kill them, I'll kill them all, every last one of them, I'll kill them all. I promise you'll be safe with me, I promise, and I promise I'll kill them all for you, every last one."

 

 

  
"And do you know what time she's going to get back?" Kelly asked.  
"Not really. She said she's only allowed to see him for half an hour but then there's some sort of meeting afterwards to discuss how it went and his treatment plan for the future, which she doesn't really have any sense of how long it will take. It's only a 20 minute drive back, but I reckon she should be home within the hour." Jenna told her mother-in-law on the other end of the phone. Thankfully a few hours of rest had left her vocal chords in a much better position and she was able to speak to her mother-figure without much pain. Still she was curled up on her and Tyler's bed in her pyjamas under the covers.

"Okay sweetie, well if she feels up to sharing what they discuss then I'd really like to be kept in the loop too so please let me know what's going on. I worry about him like he's my own son."  
"I know, and I will."  
"Thank you."

"How's Blur doing today?" Jenna asked the inevitable question, rolling over on her pillow to get comfy.  
"I think we had a small breakthrough this morning but he's back to his destructive self now."  
"What are they doing?"  
"He got mad at me earlier and punched a cabinet and cut their hand on the glass. I tried to bandage it for them but he can't manage physical contact on any level and refused to let me, and eventually I gave up and let them do it for themselves. I'm not convinced it's a very good job but it's better than nothing, and I'm gonna keep an eye on the leakage on the bandage. Right now they're down the bottom of the garden chopping logs."  
"You, y-you let Blurry have an axe?" Jenna suddenly became very concerned for Kelly's safety.  
"Don't worry sweetheart. I've locked and bolted all the doors and if and when they want to come back in, they'll have to prove that they left the axe where it lives in the shed."  
"How will you know that they haven't taken something else from the shed?"  
"Chris took everything small enough to conceal when he took the kids to his mother's."  
"Okay good, just, stay safe."  
"I will sweetheart." She reassured her.

"Um, you said you had some sort of breakthrough with Blur this morning though? What was that about?"  
"Oh yes, we sat down and had tea together, and I think his walls came down without him noticing."  
"Wow, right, what did he have to say?" Jenna asked intrigued yet anxious.  
"Talked about being hated and feared, about the stabbing incident and the insanity plea - which is finds very offensive."  
"Right,"  
"About injustice, about the similarities between him and Tyler, about Tyler."  
"And what did he say? Still insisting he's dead?"  
"Well that's what he said a couple of times, I killed him etc, but I did notice some little discrepancies. Firstly, he kept telling me that he was protecting Tyler, that everything he does it to protect Tyler,"  
"Yeah,"  
"And the second thing was that he slipped up and accidentally said wants rather than wanted."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Present tense rather than past. We were discussing the whole idea of a meeting of some sort between Tyler and Michael, and he accidentally said that Ty wants to meet him rather than wanted."  
"Oh," she was lost for words.

"I don't think he's really dead Jenna, I think he's still in there but Blurry doesn't want to admit it because it would give us hope and that would make him seem less scary."  
"I agree, yeah, of course I agree." Jenna hummed, deep in thought.  
"And I have a plan to bring him out again."  
"You do??"  
"Well, we do, Dr Andrews and I."  
"Okay, I'm all ears and very desperate."  
"Don't instantly dismiss this, hear me out."  
"I'm listening." She said anxiously.  
"So I told the doctor everything I've told you and he asked for more detail about this whole plan Tyler had in secret about hoping to mediate with Michael, and Blurry revealed some of those details so I was actually able to share them."  
"Um, okay,"  
"We think, considering it's the thing that Blurry seems so scared of and Tyler apparently seems so keen over, maybe we should consider setting up a meeting."  
"What, between Michael and them? No. No, absolutely no way, no. No."

"Jenna, I don't want my child in the same room as that scum either, but maybe this is a good idea,"  
"Good idea?! No, no this is the worst idea I've ever heard, no, no I won't let you put them through that, no, absolutely no way, no, you can't."  
"Jen-"  
"You can't! You can't do that!"  
"Jenna listen to me, okay? Listen to me. Blurry has been in control for 3 days, that's the longest any alter has had control in years, and Dr Andrews think that the longer he fronts the stronger he's going to become and the harder it's going to be for Tyler to come back. We need to do something drastic and we need to do it now."  
"Drastic?! You're considering putting your son opposite the person who raped him!"  
"We're running out of options and time is not on our side."  
"This shouldn't even be an option! This is ludicrous! I can't believe you'd even consider it!"

"This is something that Tyler wants."  
"According to Blurry! The person who is responsible for so much pain and hurt in this world!"  
"Jenna, if you have a better suggestion then I'm all ears."  
"Any suggestion is better than this! This, this is stupid! It's a huge mistake and I refuse to sit back and let you and Dr Andrews put them through this." Jenna wiped a hot tear that had brewed from both fear and anger.  
"I'll be honest with you angel, this is more of an FYI. I've spoken to Dr Andrews already and he's in the middle of contacting a sexual assault clinic who offers a service to facilitate this sort of arrangement. They're working together to find a way to contact Michael and a date that works for all of us, most likely before the week is through."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's gone 2am here in rainy England and I only just wrote this and haven't proofread it because I'm lazy as heck, so prepare for some minor editing tomorrow morning! Xx  
> Hope you're all well x


	19. Chapter 19

"Hi," Jenna yawned as she staggered into the kitchen, retying the cord of her dressing gown again and then scooping her unwashed hair into a messy bun that would no doubt fall out in a few minutes.  
"Morning," Debby smiled softly from where she was leaning against the counter top, sipping a mug and reading a newspaper. "Do you want some coffee?"  
"No thanks," she shook her head as she sat down opposite. "And Debby, I'm sorry I didn't talk to you last night, you know, about how things went with Josh. I just, I was mad and I went for a walk to think about everything and then next thing I know I'm on the other side of town and I didn't get home to midnight, you were already in your room and I didn't want to disturb you and yeah."  
"Don't worry, I understand,"  
"Thank you." Jenna said as Debby drank again.

"So, you know, how did it go?"  
"Eugh," she sighed, rubbing her face. "I mean it was nice, obviously it was nice to see him, but he's in really rough shape."  
"Like what, hurting himself?"  
"No, thankfully he's at least not been harming, he's too preoccupied trying to kill all these imaginary people in his head."  
"Are they just in his head or has he been seeing them?"  
"He's seen a snake but not seen these gang members, however he told me he heard them outside his window once."  
"Right,"  
"He wasn't Josh, you know? I mean nothing he did, nothing he said, nothing about him was Josh and to be honest it's scary how quick he's fallen apart." Debby's voice shook as she spoke and Jenna had no comforting words.

"There are some positives I guess, he's been eating and taking his meds and yeah, they uh, they give out little reward things for good behaviour? Like looking after yourself, that sort of thing? So he's been rewarded with access to the gardens for an hour a day and he's been given his hat back too."  
"Oh that's good at least, a good start on the road to recovery." Jenna said and she nodded glumly. "What's next for him? How are they gonna help?"  
"They've started him on a low dosage of an antipsychotic, clozapine or something like that, but obviously that takes time to start working. In the mean time he's got therapies, he's got one on one with Dr Cooper,"  
"The suit guy?"  
"Yeah, and he said that Josh is being very honest, which is good, but a lot of what he says in honesty about the delusions because he's so submersed in them and doesn't even entertain the possibility that it's not real."  
"Right, bless."

"There's group therapy too but Josh hasn't spoken up in those yet, he told his nurse that he had to be careful in case there were spies among them and yeah, he's just suspicious of everything."  
"Yeah,"  
"Art therapy too, getting him to express through pictures etcetera since he can't write it all out."  
"Do they think the dyslexia is going to make recovery harder?"  
"Well they said they're constantly having to adapt programs for all their patients because everyone has different needs, so they don't think it will majorly impact it. However there are routes they normally take which he can't do, like worksheets and journaling."  
"Yeah,"

"And I guess the big thing they want him to do is confront his anxiety, face his fears."  
"What does that mean?"  
"That means I've got to go up to Castle Dun and beg his parents, who I've never met before, to give Josh access to the hospital to see Jordan." Debby sighed, putting her mug down and then resting her hands on her back.  
"They want him to speak to Jordan? In his state? In both of their states?"  
"Apparently so. I know, I'm not convinced by it either, but they think that losing his brother is the seed that's started all of this and if he can have the opportunity to start deconstructing that stressor for himself then the idea is that everything else will start to calm down and make sense too."

"You think that will work?" Jenna asked doubtfully.  
"I think they're the experts and it does kind of make sense, taking away the anxiety that triggered the breakdown. I'm just not exactly looking forward to the conversation I'm gonna have to have with his parents." Debby let out a deep sigh and ran her hand through her hair.  
"So you're definitely gonna do it?"  
"I'm gonna try and arrange it yeah, it's in Josh's best interest."  
"Yeah." Jenna agreed whilst thinking. "How about Joel?"  
"Hmm? Josh's chef? What about him?"  
"Well they were best friends before Josh moved in with Ty. I know you got his number when he turned up at Josh's little league game, maybe he could put you in touch with the Duns and act as some sort of intermediary?"  
"Oh that's a really good idea actually, I might call him later and set up a coffee date or something. Thanks Jenna."  
"Let me know if there's anything I can do."  
"I will if I think of something."  
"Good," Jenna smiled reassuringly.

"And how about your thing? What happened last night that got you so mad? Blurryface?"  
"Eugh, I mean I guess it's not that different from Josh's thing. They're gonna confront their demons."  
"Oh God, you don't mean..."  
"Yep, yep I do. Kelly and Dr Andrews are gonna stick them in the same room as their fucking rapist to scare Blurry away, and somehow expect Tyler to be strong enough to take control and not completely collapse."  
"Have they, have they seen him since, you know, well, since it happened?"  
"Nope, and never, not even once, has Tyler ever expressed even the tiniest of inclinations to contact him. Blurry's claiming that it's all Tyler's idea and he took control to stop him from going through with it, -"  
"But Blurry's the last person anyone should trust, he's manipulative and harmful. Let Josh be proof of that if nothing else."  
"Exactly!" Jenna exclaimed exasperated.

"And I'm sorry but there's no way on God's good earth that I'm putting my Ty through that. Kelly said that they've already contacted some clinic but they'll have to get through me first because I will fight to my dying day to protect them. I won't let this happen."  
"Good, and neither will I. If my voice would mean anything to Kelly or Dr Andrews or the clinic then I'm more than willing to give a character reference and an account of what Blurry's done to me and Josh and warn them of how we both know this will end."  
"See that's the scary thing though Debs, I don't know how this will end," Jenna said emotionally. "I don't know how they'll cope, I don't know if they'll cope and I don't know what that means. They've been struggling to cope for 7 years and only managed to get this far because of their system, and now the system's been hijacked and isn't working how it's supposed to, so they don't have the protection they're supposed to. I'm so scared because I have no idea how they're supposed to manage this and what's going to happen, all I know is that it's going to be bad. Really bad."

 

 

 

Despite being small and very simple, Josh still wasn't completely used to his room. Even though he'd been living at the base for a couple of days now, he still frequently found himself exploring the space, curious to discover something new about it.

After breakfast he always had some spare time before he was dragged off to some therapy type thing, and as of yet he had been unable to find anything amusing to do with his free time. Back at home if he had a moment to spare then it would either be spent with Debby or doing something sporty. Seeing Debby had been amazing but brief and he couldn't see her again just yet, something about security protocol that he was more than happy to go along with as long as it kept her safe. And as for a sporting activity, it was too early in the day for him to spend his garden pass and there was no way to do anything athletic indoors.

"Josh?" A voice said from the door and he span and saw Doug, the closest thing he had to a friend there. "Sally says to tell you that the meds hatch is open and we've gotta get our pills now."  
"Okay," Josh nodded, grabbing his fleece which was identical to the one Doug was wearing and then following him out of his bedroom and down the corridor.

Doug was his next door neighbour, and he was also a full blown crazy psycho. At night Josh could hear him screaming and throwing stuff and fighting with staff, and occasionally during the day too. However he only spoke to Josh when he was calm, and he was grateful for that. He tried to be understanding, the fear of being hunted down was a lot of pressure and he guessed that Doug must have cracked, but he couldn't help but get annoyed from time to time when he made it impossible to sleep.

He hadn't asked Doug exactly why he was in hiding too, but he knew that he'd been there for a long time. On more than one occasion he had referred to himself as a lifer, and from the scars covering his skin and the permanent rope burns on his neck, Josh could tell without words that he was dealing with some scary shit. Josh was in no rush to share details of his situation with anyone else and it felt wrong to expect any differently from Doug.

"Are you gonna take yours today or hide them to add to your stash?" Josh asked as they turned the corner and joined the queue of identically clothed people waiting for the nurse in the hatch in the wall to hand across a small paper cup of medications.  
"Keep your voice down, they can't know that's what I'm doing." Doug hushed him but Josh wasn't scared, he'd scoured the place for bugs and hadn't found a single one so knew that nobody was listening.

"Hello hello boys, how are we on this fine Saturday morning?" Dr Cooper wandered over to Josh and Doug, holding a coffee in one hand whilst the other hand was resting in his waistcoat pocket.  
"Tiptoparoo." Doug rolled his eyes.  
"I'm good," Josh replied and he smiled.  
"Glad to hear it Josh, anything I can do for you Doug?"  
"Get me the fuck out of this place?!"  
"6 weeks until your section runs out, you know what you've got to do if you don't want it renewed."  
"Oh go fuck yourself Adrian." Doug snarled but Josh had no idea what they were talking about.  
"Always a pleasure Doug. Josh, when you're done here can you come and meet me in my office please? I'm sure Doug here will show you the way if you can't remember."  
"Okay." Josh nodded and he smiled then walked away as they took a step closer to the front of the queue.

"He's so fucking annoying, I wish he would leave me alone." He lied, knowing that Doug hated him and wanting them to have something in common. Lonely was an understatement and desperate was a word that came to mind when considering friends.  
"Oh shut up Josh, you should consider yourself lucky that he gives a damn about your case." Doug mumbled as they reached the hatch.

"Josh." The woman passed across his pot and a glass of water and he swallowed them all down in one.  
"Thanks,"  
"Doug."  
"Cheers,"  
"Doug you need to take them in front of me." She insisted as he started walking away with his.  
"Since when."  
"Since this hospital was founded 12 years ago. Take the pills and show me empty cup and hands or I'll get your case manager involved."  
"Whore." He muttered as he obeyed, then slammed the cups back on her counter unnecessarily hard.

"As I was saying, you're lucky that Dr Cooper wants to speak to you so often, it means he still has hope." Doug said as they walked away, and Josh saw him sticking his fingers in his mouth and pulling some tablets out from under his tongue before they dissolved. "It's once they stop calling you for meetings that you should start getting pissed off, because that means they've run out of ideas and you'll end up like me. Stuck here for 4 years and counting."  
"Years? What? No, no my girlfriend is gonna take me home soon. I'll be home soon."  
"Yeah yeah, that's what they say to all of us. I was told I'd be here for a week, and yep, you can see how well that turned out." Doug sighed as he walked back towards the hall where their bedrooms were, but Josh knew that he had to go down a different one to get to Dr Cooper's office. Despite being abandoned by his supposed guide, he managed to remember the way and arrived at the increasingly familiar door, knocking with his knuckle.

"Hey there Josh, come on come in," Dr Cooped opened it with a smile and gesturing to the couch.  
"Thanks,"  
"Do you want a drink or anything?"  
"No I'm good thanks."  
"Alrighty," he smiled as he sat opposite him, putting his coffee on the low table between them.

"How did you sleep?"  
"Better, yeah, bit better."  
"Oh that's good Josh, well done,"  
"Thanks I guess," he played with his nail rather than holding eye contact.  
"And how are you feeling this morning?"  
"Kind of good I suppose but uh, I dunno anymore."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well I was good because I was still buzzing from seeing Debs, but then Doug just told me that you're gonna keep me here for years."  
"Doug said that?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Doug is very unwell, and on top of that he's also non compliant with treatment and resists any sort of help. Because of that, he's not well enough to be discharged and that's why his admission has lasted so long. But Josh, you're not him, okay? You're doing really well and you're working together with us to get better, and I don't think it would be fair to presume that you'll follow the same path as him." Dr Cooper said and Josh just sighed and leant against the back of the sofa.

"So, with that in mind, would you like to discuss what the plan is next?"  
"Yeh," Josh nodded eagerly, hoping to be out of the base by the end of the day.  
"I'll get straight to the point, we're in the middle of talks to arrange for you to have a conversation with your brother Jordan."

 

 

"Blurry, I'll get straight to the point, we're in the middle of talks to arrange for you to have a conversation with Michael." Kelly spilled the beans and Jenna bit on her thumb anxiously as they waited for the system to process the words and react accordingly. Unsurprisingly to her, they did not react well. The sofa was too old and heavy to be instantly flipped in a flash of rage, but that didn't stop Blurry from standing up and kicking the coffee table over violently before snapping two legs off with their heel then holding one and pointing it towards the two women like a weapon.

"Bitch, you wanna fucking die?!" Blurry tilted their head to the side as they took a step closer to Kelly and made Jenna's heart pound.  
"No, I want my son back."  
"How! Many! Times!" They screeched at the top of their lungs then threw the wooden table leg at the wall and shattered a family portrait effortlessly. "This will kill us, destroy them all!"  
"Bl-"  
"No! NO! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL!"  
"I know what I'm doing."  
"YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!"

"Blurry." Jenna blurted out panicked, not quite sure what the plan was but not feeling okay with how close to Kelly they were getting. "Please, please I don't want to have to do this to you, but what choice d-"  
"CHOICE?! DON'T FUCKING TALK ABOUT NOT HAVING A FUCKING CHOICE TO US!"  
"I'm sorry, I am, I'm so sorry but we have to do something, yeah? We need Tyler back, I need Tyler back, and if you know a different way for us to do that then we'll listen, but otherwi-"  
"You have to do it Jenna, you have to d-" Blurry suddenly said in Tyler's soft spoken slightly higher voice before suddenly cutting off.  
"Tyler? Tyler baby? Is that you?" Jenna gasped as tears ran down her cheeks.  
"FUCK FUCK FUUCCK!" Blurry screamed characteristically before storming over towards the wall where the picture had smashed.

"Careful near the broken glass." Kelly warned lovingly but was ignored as they kicked a shard whilst getting close enough to suddenly start smashing their forehead against the brick over and over again. "No no no, Blur, no,"  
"Here." Jenna had predicted what was going to happen and reacted quicker, rushing to their side armed with a pillow that she slid between their head and the wall when they pulled back for another slam.  
"Tyler, Blurry, stop that this instance."  
"You don't need to do this Blur, I'm not mad that Tyler's still there, you don't need to punish yourself for letting him front for a second." She whispered supportively as they continued to hit themselves into the pillow with angry grunts.  
"FUUUCKK!"  
"Blur you're going to hurt yourself." Kelly warned.  
"GOOD!"

"Sweetheart please, calm down, use your words and we can figure this out," Jenna hushed them.  
"FUCK FUCK FU- it's me."  
"Tyler?" She asked as she dropped the pillow and they stood straight and nodded. "Oh baby-"  
"How do we know it's really you?" Kelly said suspiciously. "How do we know it's not Blurry trying to manipulate us,"  
"Mom," Tyler seemed hurt and Jenna cried as she reached up and stroked her bruised neck carefully. "Mom, it's me, please. Jenna? Please,"  
"Prove it," Jenna whispered as she circled a particularly painful spot with the pads of her fingers.  
"I don't know how, please, it's me, please," Tyler cried.  
"Let me touch you. Blurry can't cope with physical contact."  
"Yeh, yeh of course," they held out their arm and Jenna cautiously reached across and touched the scarred wrist, then burst into sobs when they didn't flinch, and immediately pulled Tyler into the tightest hug she could muster.

"I missed you so much," she broke down as they squeezed back.  
"I missed you," Tyler pressed a much needed kiss to her head. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm s-"  
"Stop it."  
"I did everything I could."  
"I know Tyler, it's okay, I know,"  
"He's fighting so hard to come back, I don't know how long we've got, how long I can hold him back."  
"As long as I know you're safe."  
"Jenna you have to make sure we get that meeting with Michael, please, you have to make sure."  
"Why? Ty you don't have to do that to yourself baby,"  
"I do, just trust me. Mom, you have to tighten this bandage, it hurts so bad," Tyler let go, obviously in a rush as they thrust their bandaged hand to their mother, who nodded and started unravelling it.

"You have to make sure we see Michael alone, make sure Debby knows she can come home, call her, long story-"  
"She's home."  
"She is? Good." Tyler rushed frantically. "Make sure Blurry doesn't see Josh, keep Josh safe at all costs, he's hallucinating, none of it's real-"  
"He's in hospital already."  
"Okay. Don't be afraid to hurt Blurry if he's hurting you, you need to tell Dr Andrews he needs to read my journal from Janu-" they rambled hurriedly then stopped and snatched their now uncovered bloody hand away from Kelly aggressively, and Jenna knew that Blurry was back but knew what she had to do next. Kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm off on holiday for a week now and I'm not sure what the wifi will be like and if I will have much time to write, so this might be my last post for a little while x
> 
> I recently made a curious cat account @anathema_trash, and my tumblr is anathematrash, so hmu guys xx


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I had planned for the events in the chapter to take place over 2, but I felt like giving you guys an extra long update since I've been on holiday this past week and you've had nothing from me. Plus my flight got delayed so I had some time to kill, enjoy!

"Pick it up Joshua." He heard his father command and knew it wasn't a matter to be debated, but still Josh stared at the baseball bat and couldn't move any part of his body towards it. "I said, pick, it, up,"  
"I can't," Josh whispered honestly, shaking his head slowly but keeping his eyes on the familiar sight.   
"Can't?! Do you think I pay Corey $500 a day, that's over $180,000 a year, to coach you, just so that you can sit on your ass and say that you can't?"  
"Father please, you don't understand, I can't."  
"I don't understand?! Damn right I don't understand how on Earth I raised such a fucking lazy sack of crap."  
"I'm, I'm not, I'm not lazy." Josh stammered tearfully.   
"Joshua you're a spoiled waste of flesh and I'm ashamed to call you my son." He spat. "Now, for the last time, pick up the fucking bat or I swear to God I'll make you regret it."

With blurred vision, Josh shakily stood up from the hospital-style bed with its light purple blanket in the corner of his temporary room and took a couple of steps towards the wall where his old baseball bat was resting. Just as he reached out a trembling hand, he suddenly felt the painful shove of his father's signet covered knuckles and fell to the ground, then quickly scuttled to the corner to evade another shove.

"Fucking disgusting."  
"Father please,"  
"Please? PLEASE?! The days of manners fixing this are GONE Joshua, they're GONE. You've rocked the boat one too many times for this to be forgotten." Father finally appeared in view and Josh let out a terrified whimper as he hugged his knees close. "You know what I was doing at your age Joshua? You know what I was doing, not just at your age, but since I was five fucking years old?! Working. 5 years old, that was the first time my father sent me out on my hands and knees on the dusty ranch in Kansas with nothing but my bare hands to dig up dandelions with. Every day, sunrise till sunset, I was digging. My hands were blistered and my knees were grazed and my skin was itchy and my eyes were weeping, but not once did my father let up. Every day I dug until one day when I was 7 I had pulled up every damn dandelion on that whole ranch, and I went to my father and I told him I was done. He told me, Billy, whilst your heart's still beating away there's still more work to be done, you ain't finished. I dug ditches, I dug stumps, I dug every damn thing you can name, and everyday I hated my father but everyday I learnt the meaning of a work ethic."

"Now, when I had a kid, I told myself I wasn't gonna do that to the them, I wasn't gonna torture them, I was gonna lead by example and my kid was gonna learn from me the meaning and importance of gratitude and appreciation for privilege." Father bellowed, picking up the baseball bat menacingly as Josh cowered away. "Well, it seems I've failed."  
"Father,"  
"I didn't fail you though Joshua, you have failed me, and boy have you done it in style."

Tears began trickling down Josh's face, despite the fact that none of the things he said were news to him. The bat swung in his father's hand, both as a painful reminder and a threat, and Josh didn't know what scared him more.

"Jordan, now Jordan was a good kid. Jordan knew he had power, had influence, and had a duty not only to me and your mother, but to the world to wield his weapon well. He had a plan Joshua, did you know that?"   
"N-no," he gulped.   
"He was gonna start a hedge fund, and I was gonna provide the anchor capital. At 14 years old he wrote a 50000 word business plan for me to look over which included me becoming his partner, and I approved instantly and agreed to transfer $20 million to his account on his 21st birthday. He had a plan Joshua, he had hopes and ambitions and actual strategies on how to achieve his dreams. What did you have, hey?"  
"Nothing,"  
"Wrong, you had me Joshua. I put in hours and hours of training with you every single day, I funded every type of training I could imagine possible, I made links with the big leagues, I set you up for a stellar career in baseball. All you had to do was turn up, and you couldn't even manage that."  
"I'm s-o-rry," he wept.

"Seems like Jordan's not gonna make it to his 21st, but you know what, at least he tried. He tried to make something of himself, what have you done?" Father scoffed as he cried. "I wish it was you Joshua. I wish you were the one in that fucking clinic, the one on end of life care, the one who's going to die. I'd prefer you dead than this pathetic humiliation. It would be better for the entire family, our reputation, our wealth, our happiness, if you just die. At least if you died then you'd have an excuse for not achieving anything."

With that, his father walked out of the room still with Josh's bat in hand. For a few seconds he reeled on the rods, a few sobs escaping his trembling lips, but then Josh pulled himself together and pushed himself off the cold floor and raced after the man down the corridor.

Doug was the only person in the corridor and he took one look at Josh crying then leant against the wall without a word, and Josh was thankful that he didn't want to stop and chat because he had someone to catch up with. He raced down the echoing linoleum floor and took a sharp left then sprinted where he presumed his father must have gone but still couldn't see him. In fact he couldn't see much his tears were blurring his vision that strongly, and he didn't notice when he knocked straight into a man in a familiar 3 piece suit.

"Josh, Josh look at me, Josh, calm down. Take a deep breath, you're okay, just breathe." Dr Cooper held his biceps and stopped him running away not matter how hard he tried to pull. "Josh, breathe,"  
"My father," he gasped.   
"Dad? What about him Josh?"  
"I need, I, I need to, I need to speak to h-him,"  
"Okay, that's okay Josh, you can use the payphone if you'd like to, but first you need to calm down."  
"You don't understand!"  
"Help me to?"   
"He, he, he said," Josh broke down into more sobs as the man held him up. "He said it would be better if I was dead,"

"He told you that today did he?"  
"Just, just now, in my r-room,"  
"He was in your room?  
"Y-yeh,"  
"Okay Josh. Remember what we spoke about in our therapy yesterday? About how our imagination can sometimes create images that aren't real, but seem to be to us? I th-"  
"I'M NOT HALLUCINATING!" Josh screamed angrily.   
"Okay."  
"I'M NOT!"  
"Okay."  
"Is this about all the snakes slithering out of your bedroom Dun?" Doug walked past and sniggered.   
"Doug that is not appropriate or needed, go to the common room now."  
"Or what Adrian?"  
"Doug." Dr Cooper warned and he laughed smugly then kept walking.

"Ignore him, okay? He's just trouble making."  
"I wasn't hallu-cinating." Josh hiccuped.   
"Alright, but listen to me Josh, should we go to one of the phone booths and call your dad? See if we can clear this up?" Dr Cooper suggested and Josh nodded shakily, then followed him as he slowly started walking towards an area he hadn't been to since his tour. "What do you want to say to your dad?"  
"I wanna, I, I wanna talk to him,"  
"Yeah, about what?"  
"About b-b-baseball,"  
"Baseball, okay Josh, and is it alright if I stay with you whilst you talk to Dad?"  
"Y-yeah," he hiccuped again as they entered the room.

As Josh tried to take control of his rapid breaths, Dr Cooper gestured for him to sit in one of four turquoise armchairs and he obeyed. Each armchair was next to a payphone and also a coffee table, on which there was a balloon filled with flour, a tangle and a fidget cube. To occupy his fingers whilst Dr Cooper rummaged around trying to find a key on his set to open a cupboard, Josh picked up the balloon and started squeezing it over and over again.

"Right here we go, this is your roll of quarters that Dad left you. It costs 50 cents for 3 minutes and you can pay for as little or as long as you want with a cap at $5. I've got a list here of contact numbers written for you when you first joined us," Dr Cooper crouched on the floor next to him with a sheet of paper and a tube of coins. "Want me to dial for you?"  
"Please," Josh nodded tearfully.   
"I'm gonna try his home office number first, if that doesn't connect then I'll try his mobile." The assassin stood up and started punching numbers into the box.   
"He, he's not in his office, he was just, he was just here."  
"Well we'll just see if he answers, maybe he got back already, you can ask him." He inserted four coins and held the phone to his ear whilst Josh waited anxiously. "It's connecting, here."

"Hello?" Josh sniffed as he took the clunky silver handset.   
"Hello, you've reached Bill Dun's assistant Eleanor, how can I help you to today?"   
"El?" He held in a gasp, hearing the woman's voice who had once been such a prominent figure in his life for so long for the first time in half a decade. "I, I, it's Josh, I need to speak to Father,"  
"Sorry, I didn't quite catch that sir, who am I speaking with?"  
"Joshua."  
"Joshua?"  
"Joshua Dun," he cried.   
"Let me put you on hold for just a moment sir." She said and the line went silent, so Josh looked up to Dr Cooper who had brought a chair closer to him and was smiling and nodding supportively.

"Joshua?" Father said in his distinctive powerful voice with an unfamiliar layer of surprise. "Are you there son?"  
"Father?"   
"Yeah it's me kiddo, it's me. Is everything okay? Are the hospital treating you well? Do you want to transfer to somewhere better? I did some research and I found a very highly rated place over in Norway. Timothy got in touch with the hospital and some discharged patients and it sounds perfect for you, I can have the jet ready for the morning if-"  
"I'm so so-r-r-yyy," he began sobbing.   
"Oh Joshua, there's no reason to get upset now son,"  
"I didn't m-e-an t-to le-t y-you down,"  
"You haven't let me down."  
"I sh-should h-have j-j-just played b-base-b-ball li-ke y-you want-ed."  
"Joshua there's no need to cry, it's just a game okay? It's not important."  
"G-game? You, y-you, you-"  
"I know what I did, I pushed you Joshua, and I can see now that I pushed too hard and for that I'm sorry, but please you have to trust me when I say I only ever had the best intentions at heart." Father said and Josh wanted to believe him but the scars on his wrists were too hard to ignore.

"You don't have to forgive me, I wouldn't forgive me if I was in your position."  
"I-it, it was m-my fault."  
"No it wasn't Joshua, it's all on me."  
"I sh-should have b-been grateful!"  
"Grateful? Joshua you were the most grateful and thankful child I could have hoped for, even in the face of such poor treatment." Father replied and Josh wanted to argue to the contrary but his mind was spinning because everything he was hearing totally contradicted what his father had said to him just a few minutes ago.

"Can I talk? Or do you want to get something off you chest? Because it's okay if you want to yell at me Joshua."  
"You," was all he could whisper.   
"Okay thank you. I've been thinking about saying this to you for a really long time now Joshua, ever since Jordan got really sick and had to go into hospital. It made me realise how important family is, how important my sons are to me, and how important it is that my boys know that they're important." He said and Josh wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand, confused and overwhelmed and yet eager to hear what else he was going to confess.

"I want to give my kids the best start in life, just like all parents do. And I knew that you growing up in a privileged household could make you susceptible to certain traits, you know, spoilt, lazy, snobbish, and I didn't want that for you because I wanted you to thrive in the real world outside of the Dun gates. So when we went to that meeting with your teacher at school and she said you weren't keeping up in class, my heart sunk because I thought my worst fear had come true and you were lazy. But we took you to the learning specialists and they did all those tests and they said you had dyslexia, and I realised that you were quite the opposite - you had to try so much harder than everyone else."

"When you got older and didn't get any better, I was worried Joshua. You still tried and I was very proud of you for that, but I knew you were losing hope in yourself and I began to worry that you might give up and throw the towel in and say you didn't care anymore. I'm sure you're more than aware of how much money is waiting for you in an account you'll have access to on you 25th birthday, and I was concerned that you might decide that you not only couldn't do anything with your life but that you wouldn't. I didn't want you to become a bum that lives off my money, I wanted you to know you can actually achieve something of you own right, and that's where baseball came in,"

"Baseball, I know I worked you hard, but I worked you hard because I wanted you to be the best, and I think you wanted to be the best too Joshua. I wanted you to be the best because I wanted you to have confidence and belief in yourself and to actually feel proud of yourself after so long feeling like crap because of how academics were going for you. I applied pressure because you needed direction and purpose not only in baseball but in general, and for a while we had a good thing going."  
"Yeh," Josh squeaked.   
"I don't know what happened Josh. I, I went too far at some point, I lost sight of the goal, I stopped seeing you as my son who needed a goal to distract him from school and started seeing you like I would one of my work investments. I stopped processing emotions and started prioritising efficiency and results over your wellbeing, and for that I am truly sorry. Something that was only ever meant to show you how much potential you have regardless of your dyslexia actually turned into something that tore you apart rather than build you up."

"I rubbed off on you Josh, either that or I scared you into thinking you had no other choice but to push yourself too hard. I was too strict and too harsh with you and consequently you were too strict and too harsh with yourself, and that's why you had the seizure. That should have been a wake up call for me, a chance to realise my mistakes, and I'm so sorry that it wasn't. I'm so sorry that things had to get to the extremes that they did before you so bravely took the decision to remove yourself from the toxic environment I created, and I am so proud of you for using initiative and looking after yourself by getting away from me."

"All those years ago when I was worried about your character, I had no reason to be. You've grown up into a fine young gentleman in spite of what I did to you, and I admire your values and strength beyond belief. I thought you needed my help to achieve measurable success in order for you to have a sense of pride in yourself, however I was wrong Joshua, so wrong. You don't need some baseball achievements to feel proud of when you've got such an amazing well rounded personality. Be proud of that Josh, okay? Be proud of yourself and trust that you're strong enough and brave enough to get better and be discharged and continue your successful life as a decent person." Father told him and Josh cried and cried as he inserted the rest of his coins into the machine, desperate to continue the conversation with his father at long last.

 

 

  
"Here we go," Joel smiled as he brought the tray over to the table that Debby had already sat down at.   
"Great, thanks," she smiled back as she helped him take off their various drinks and snacks then stash the black tray under the table so they had more room.

Following Jenna's advice, she had got in touch with Joel and they agreed to get coffee together. Although she hadn't yet shared her true intentions to use him to get to the Duns, she had spent half an hour on the phone to him the previous night explaining the situation. To her surprise, he also held a piece of the puzzle and said that he had met with Josh whilst she was away, and learning that he was ill had explained a lot about his behaviour. In a way it was comforting to know that Josh had contacted his friend and had even had hopes of visiting his brother, reassured her that maybe she was doing the right thing by arranging a meet up between the two, but it was hard to feel okay when her boyfriend was so unwell.

"It's so lovely to finally get to sit down and meet the girl who managed to pin Josh Dun down," Joel grinned as he sipped his coffee.   
"Bit of a ladies man?"  
"Not that he was wise to it." He laughed. "His parents used to throw all sorts of events and balls and Josh would have girls begging him to dance and practically swarming him, following everywhere he went, but he much preferred to come hangout with me in the kitchen and attempt to lend me a hand, completely oblivious to this whole Prince Charming vibe he was giving off."  
"Sounds like J," she smiled to herself as she drank her green tea.

"Ballrooms and tuxedos were never really his cup of tea, he was much happier in a hoodie and his underwear camped out on the couch."  
"Still is." Debby admitted and he laughed. "We went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and the bride had barely said I do before he was pulling his tie off."  
"There's a pretty famous story amongst the Dun staff who were working with them at the time which is kind of similar actually. When Josh was 7, his parents renewed their wedding vows. Jordan had been discharged a second time from NICU post heart surgery and was doing great and everyone was in the mood to celebrate, so they decided to have essentially another wedding at the mansion back in Cleveland. Everyone who's anyone was invited, the guest list was a combination of The Met Gala and Forbes 400, basically some of the most well known and or powerful people in the world were there."  
"Right,"

"I've seen photos, it was outdoors in their gardens, summer evening, beautiful, cost more than you and I will ever earn in our entire lives combined multiplied by a hundred. The thing you need to know about Laura and Bill are that everything is down to the extreme, everything has to be the biggest and the best and the most luxurious and expensive and extravagant."  
"Okay, I'm imagining it." Debby listened with a small smile.   
"There's 300 guests, all of them seated facing the front, then the kids start walking down the aisle. Jordan went first in his classic bespoke Silver Cross Balmoral pram pushed by his nanny, dressed up in a tiny little tux even though he'd had heart surgery a few weeks prior. Next up was Ashley who was flower girl and she had a specially made dress and looked adorable, I think she was 4ish, and she scattered petals and everyone was awwing as she made her way down the carpet. Then last of the three was Josh and he completely ignored the things he'd been told in the rehearsals and sprinted straight down the aisle, straight to the alter, where he ripped over his shirt to reveal a superman tee underneath his suit." Joel could barely contain his massive grin and neither could Debby.

"To this day, not a single member of staff can work out where he got it from or how he put it on. His nanny dressed him, without superman, and then he was in the nursery right up until the service. Yet somehow he managed to slip the shirt on at some point and completely stole the limelight. Laura and Bill spent all this money on a day all about them, and he swooped right in and snatched everyone's hearts. Has to be one of my favourite stories of all time."  
"Wow, that's just, that's amazing. I'll be sure to remind him next time I see him," Debby sighed in happy shock. "That's perfect."

"Joel,"  
"Yeah?" He looked up whilst peeling the case off a muffin he had bought.   
"Could you tell me some more about J's parents?"  
"Bill and Laura? Yeah course, what do you wanna know?"  
"I'm not sure exactly, just, you know, what they're like,"   
"And why they treated Josh like they did?" The chef presumed correctly and she nodded shyly. "Bill and Laura, they're in love and there's no doubt about that, but they're very very different people."  
"Yeah,"

"I know it might not seem like it from what you've heard, but deep down Bill's not a bad guy. He's no angel I'll admit, he can be ruthless, but the last thing he wants is to do his kids any harm. Everything he had, he had to earn. He's the poster boy for the American Dream, went from nothing to a Wall Street success story completely independently, and in order to thrive where so many fail, he had to get a thick skin and a very cynical mind."  
"Right," she listened closely.   
"I only worked for them for 3 years, I started when Josh was a 15 year old kid and honestly they had such a good relationship back then. Josh loved baseball, he was obsessed, so his dad arranging for him to play for so many hours a day basically made Josh his number one fan. And credit to Bill, even though he was busy all day everyday, he still found time to throw a ball around with him and watch his games."  
"Yeah,"

"It was only really after Josh won state champion that things started shifting in his mindset and Bill didn't notice. Now I don't know whether that was because Bill was so busy, or because he thought it was just a phase that they needed to work through, or what, I don't know. But basically Josh started getting overly critical of himself, angry at himself, and Bill didn't help him work it out. And honestly I don't think that poorly of him because of that, because I was with Josh just as much and I couldn't put my finger on what was going on, let alone fix it."  
"Yeah,"  
"I'm sure you've heard the story from Josh, but he worked himself up into a state mentally and then he literally worked himself into a seizure and then everything happened with Weston expelling him and having to move and Jordan's health deteriorating, and Josh's mental health deteriorating until he ran away, and yeah, that's that."

"So you don't think it's Bill's fault? Or there was nothing he could have done?" Debby asked, curious rather than accusing.   
"I think Josh is a very private and independent person, I think by the time he actually started exhibiting symptoms of his mental health issues that we could pick up on, it was too late. The only thing Bill could really have done was to forcibly stop Josh from playing, because by that point Josh was applying all this insane pressure, not Bill, so the major thing would have been to have stopped baseball, but in my opinion that would have broken Josh too because in his eyes that was his only hope."  
"Yeah,"  
"Bill did some things wrong yes, he was too harsh at times, but he never meant for Josh to snap."  
"Right,"  
"Laura on the other hand, Laura just did not and does not care about Josh."  
"Oh,"

"I was closer to Bill than her when I worked there, but I was very friendly with all the other staff and some of them have been with the Duns since they first started hiring, so I've heard a lot of stories about her and they're not often positive."  
"Okay,"  
"She came from money. Her father owned some big company and made hundreds of millions and then died in his late fourties and left it all to her and her brother, and so she's never worked a day in her life."  
"Right,"  
"She very much comes from the sort of background that frowns upon the poor and she sees herself as superior to most. She only interacts with those she deems worthy,"  
"And let me guess, worth and wealth come hand in hand?"  
"Spot on." He nodded as he drank again.

"They met at some fancy event for rich people to talk to other rich people about how great it is being rich, and they genuinely fell in love. I don't think it's one of those weddings for money because they're both as well off as each other, and that's one thing I like about them as a couple, but one of the only things."  
"Right,"  
"Laura got pregnant with Josh whilst Bill was still working on Wall Street, and rumour has it that she wanted to have a New York family, but Bill insisted they moved away to give their kids the best chance at being normal. She didn't want to, she fought him day and night, but eventually caved and they moved to Ohio, but she hates it here."  
"Misses the glitz and glam?"  
"Exactly." Joel said.

"Josh was born and she didn't really want anything to do with his upbringing. She was raised by nannies and expected the same for her kids. However again Bill wanted them to be involved and they eventually met a compromise and got Laura a childcare assistant."  
"The difference being?"  
"She also looked after Laura." Joel couldn't help but smile a little. "They then had Ashley and same again, she wanted a cute kid just didn't really wanna have to deal with her,"  
"Yeah,"  
"But with Jordan, everything changed."  
"Because he was premmie?" Debby presumed.   
"Yeh. Understandably, something inside her just snapped and she got very protective of him in and out of hospital, didn't want a nanny near him, didn't want any staff near him, didn't even want her own kids near him."  
"Yeah, Josh told me it was sort of a divided childhood between him and Ashley and them and Jordan."  
"Yeah that's exactly what it was, and the same again when Abi was born. They were extra careful and Josh and Ashley were both very aware of how much more their mom seemed to care about their siblings than them."  
"Yeah,"

"When Josh got diagnosed with dyslexia, she was caught by quite a few members of staff on multiple different occasions calling him a fake." Joel said and Debby spluttered on her drink, having to pick up her napkin to clean herself up.   
"What?!"  
"Yep, thought he was putting it on just for attention, she accused him of being jealous of his brother."  
"To his face?"  
"Ooh yeah, bunch of times."  
"That's, that's awful."

"It gets much worse in so many ways and I've got so many examples it actually makes me upset, let alone Josh. Jordan started school but he had to have supervision by a teaching assistant in case he got sick - he had palpitations and fainting episodes a lot when he was younger - and he also wasn't allowed to join in with any sort of exercise, and one day one of the bigger kids called him a runt. He went home, told his mom, his mom blamed Josh."  
"How did she spin that one exactly?" Debby sighed.   
"She accused him of telling all his classmates to bully Jordan, called him all sorts of names, said he was the real runt of the family then banned him from eating at the dinner table with them for the next month. Course Josh didn't do it, but he didn't say anything because he's absolutely terrified of her."  
"Yeh,"

"Obviously I don't know what's going on inside her mind, but you'd be surprised how freely she used to speak in front of me. When you're that rich, staff are invisible."  
"Mmm," Debby nodded, lost for words.   
"What I will say is that she always had a concern with the way people viewed them, with their reputation. She wants someone to take over the empire when Bill steps down, she knows that misogyny would mean neither of the girls would be respected and she's hardly a feminist herself, she thought she had two boys to run the family fortune and in the end it's worked out that neither of them are up to the job. She's empathetic and compassionate towards Jordan, she doesn't blame him because she can physically see his ills. With Josh, she never respected his dyslexia and never tried to hide the fact that she was disappointed in him. Baseball was a small flicker of hope but it was never enough, it was never as good as being the man who would secure their financial future and so he was never good enough for her. Jordan has a physical excuse and so has her respect, Josh has a learning difficulty and that's an embarrassment and brings shame to her name."

"It scares me," Debby told the chef a moment later. "You know, the fact she hates him for something she can't understand because she can't see, it scares me because I'm willing to bet she's not particularly favourable towards the mentally ill."  
"Scares me too."  
"And it, uh, it puts me in a tricky situation."  
"Whether to tell Laura he's been admitted or not?" Joel guessed.   
"Not just that." She swallowed. "Look, the reason I asked you here is because I thought you could maybe help me out, give me some advice."  
"Sure, anything,"   
"Well I spoke to J's doctor, and he thinks that he needs to get to the root of his issues with Jordan, speak to him, finally get some things off his chest and tear down some walls that he built and shine light on all the memories he's been holding in."  
"Josh needs to see Jordan." Joel realised, leaning forwards. "He's blacklisted from the clinic, did I tell you that?"   
"Yeah, yeah you did, and I need to arrange some sort of way to discuss taking him off the list with his parents."  
"Oh," he said and Debby knew he thought it was an impossible task.

"Look, no guarantees it will work, but I reckon your best shot is convincing Bill, then letting Bill either convince or overrule Laura. Laura won't go down without a fight, and I'm almost certain she'll be against this, but Bill's the most likely to succeed. That or he'll know when Laura's not there and give Josh permission to sneak into Jordan's room."   
"Convince Bill, okay,"  
"Easier said than done." Joel rubbed his eye as his mind ticked. "I would offer to talk to him myself since I've known him so long, but I think he'll respect it more coming from you."  
"Me?"  
"Yeah, just remember what I said, he's a good guy at heart and I think deep down he wants to help Josh. After all he was the one who got him hospitalised."  
"True." Debby chewed her nail. "But how do I get in touch with him? Do I call him? I've got his number in my phone book because Josh gave it to me in case of emergencies - does this count as an emergency?"  
"I think it's best you do it face to face. Here, this is the number for Bill's assistant and scheduler Eleanor, tell her you need a meeting with Bill in person as soon as he's next available, mention Josh, it might help give you priority. If that fails, let me know and I'll have another think."

 

 

Whilst Debby was out of the house running around doing things for Josh, as per usual currently, Jenna was running around the apartment trying not to have a complete breakdown of her own. She was proud of Debby and the way she was being so proactive and keeping herself busy whilst doing good, and she only wished she could do the same for Ty.

Admittedly it had been insanely relieving to finally get to hear from Ty after a whole week of being told he was dead. But knowing that he was trapped inside watching helplessly as Blurry did all these cruel things to the people Tyler loved the most seemed like the worst kind of torture, and Jenna only worried about him more. In a way, she hoped that Tyler wasn't too close to the surface and didn't have a strong understanding of what was going on, because at least that would mean he couldn't and wouldn't blame himself for the pain that Blurry inflicted on so many.

Unable to stay still for more than a few moments, she stood up from her temporary perch on the window sill and fiddled with her fingers anxiously whilst wandering aimlessly into the kitchen. In an effort to remain occupied, she'd already cleaned the whole apartment top to bottom and ordered a new microwave and TV plus half a dozen glasses to replace those smashed during the chaos that had occurred when two very unwell forces collided. Although as a result of the clear up, the tabletop was completely empty except Tyler's diary that she had dug out ready for Dr Andrews the next day, and it meant her attention was immediately drawn to the black leather book.

She'd never read a single entry before, not because she'd been told not to, simply because she respected their privacy. It was true that Tyler had hastily given Dr Andrews permission to read it, and she was aware that he had done it before and also aware that that didn't necessarily mean it was fair game for everyone to have a nosey through their most private collection of thoughts, but Jenna had an itching both in her fingers and in her mind.

Frustrated at herself, she walked away from the diary and took another lap of the house, running her finger along recently dusted shelves and staring at recently made beds, longing for the empty sides to be filled with the other halves of their little family once again. Longing for Tyler to sleep in the other side of their bed again.

To say she missed them was an understatement, she craved their company so intensely that it hurt. Hoping it might remedy the ache, and already accepting it as an inevitability, she went back to the diary and carried it through to the living room then cuddled herself into a ball and opened it on the first entry.

January 1st - Cassie  
Happy New Year to us! Willow treated us to a new diary, even though I don't deserve it, to celebrate and Tyler decided his resolution is for us to write at least 300 entries together this year. I don't think we'll do it, I mean I'm hardly getting this off to a good start, and I hate that I'm letting everyone down on day 1. I feel so guilty. It's just a diary entry and I can't even do that well, I can't do anything. I'm sorry.

January 2nd - Andrew  
Debby, Josh and Jenna are finally beginning to get over their hangovers and remember what happened on New Year's Eve. Sounds like they had a lot of fun without us, and for a while I was doing my best to plug all the stories from getting to the others because I didn't want them feeling left out or forgotten, but a few things got through the cracks and I'm really proud of how everyone reacted, especially Tyler. Last year he was really upset that he couldn't join in on the partying and the drinking because of our medication, but this year he's genuinely happy that they all had a good time. When Jenna was laughing over something that happened, I felt Tyler get a sudden swell of emotion and I was worried that he was going to work himself up into a state internally but in actual fact it was just a rush of joy, and that's such a massive improvement. He doesn't need my sheltering as much as he used to, he's so much more independent and confident, and I feel like I've done a good job with him these past few years.

January 3rd - Tyler  
Lilly walked in on Debby and Josh having sex today. Maybe I'll let her front in therapy tomorrow.

That entry made Jenna laugh out loud a little, and at that point she realised she already had tears streaming down her face. It was hardly making her miss them any less, but she couldn't stop reading.

January 4th - Willow  
Tyler and Jenna had date night tonight. It makes me so happy that my host is dating my best friend, because it means I get to see those I love the most so happy and content and in love. Everyone in the system respects their relationship and Jenna so much, and it makes my heart sing! Like today when they were walking from the restaurant to the park afterwards, Jenna's heel snapped. I wanted to swoop in and give her a hug to make sure she wasn't in pain or spooked herself, and Johnny wanted to give his advice on how to fix it, but Tyler had asked us all to stay inside whilst they were on their date and everyone respected that! Nobody pushed! Go us! :D xx so proud of us all xx (and Tyler looked after Jenna and she was fine! Xx)

Janry 5th - JAMES!  
I saw 4 red 5 6 red cars today. Good!

January 7th - Andrew  
Tyler was completely and utterly wiped out yesterday after work and therapy. He wanted to write an entry but I knew it would be a fruitless task and he'd get frustrated and angry, and I had to stop that from happening. I tried to convince him but he wasn't listening, so I had to overthrow him. He's still angry at me, I know he is, but that's because he doesn't understand that everything I do is in his best interest. I don't do it to hurt him, I just wish he could see that.

January 8th - Cassie  
I caught Tyler looking at engagement rings in the shop front on the walk home from work again today, and I blew it for him again. It's not that I don't think Jenna's perfect - she is - it's that I can't get over the fact that we're nothing but a burden to her, we're not good enough, and engagement just feels like we've trapped her to us for life. She's too kind to say no, and I feel too guilty doing that to her. I know she loves us, even if we don't deserve it, I just can't sit back and let Tyler put her in that position.

January 9th - Johnny  
Rumblings of discontent from the pit. Further investigation required, but caution is a priority.

January 10th - Andrew  
Johnny doesn't want to alert Tyler, but today he said to me that he could hear Michael and Blurryface talking when he was fronting yesterday. Part of me doesn't believe him, it's been half a decade since Blurryface had any power over us, Tyler united us, but still I feel uneasy. Tyler's in a really good place right now and if Blurryface or his crony try and jeopardise that then I'll kill them both. Our host has worked so hard to get to where he is, and my job is to protect that improvement by any means necessary.

January 11th - Andrew  
Every. Single. Year. We get sick and it's difficult to protect the system from our own shitty immune system. It's like yet another layer of self sabotage, another way to punish us. Sick of being sick and it's only day 1 of symptoms.

January 12th - Willow  
We had to take the day off work but it was the right decision because self care is so so SO important and we need to look after ourselves - a healthy body helps a healthy mind. Jenna had to go to school and Josh was booked for training sessions all day, but we've been really really switchy so Debby stayed home with us to make sure we didn't get hurt, and it's just another reason why I love her so much. We got our blankets and watched dance moms all day on the couch together. Rapid switching throughout the day which she struggled to keep up with because she's not totally used to us yet, but that's okay! She'll get there! And I'm more than happy to sit and watch dance moms with her until she does! Xx

January 13th - Michael   
Blur's voice will be heard.

At that point Jenna had to stop reading to wipe away the tears that clouded her vision, and swallow down the sobs that threatened to choke her. She tried to think back to January, back to the time Tyler had been sick, trying to remember anything that could potentially have told her about the resurgence of the negative alters.

It was true that Tyler got sick a lot, whenever there was any sort of bug going around, Tyler would go down with it and go down hard. And whenever they had a bug, the alter hierarchy went into meltdown and span like a constant roulette, changing every couple of minutes. Not only were they constantly changing, but the alters themselves changed when they were sick. Just like a neurotypical personality, the alters acted differently when they were under the weather and that made it very difficult to pick out who they were at any given moment. So even Jenna, who had been by their side since the alters first started revealing themselves, had trouble identifying them.

Despite that, no matter how hard Jenna tried to remember, she was almost certain that Blurry hadn't made an appearance in January and Michael's had only been fleeting. But it did make sense that he would take advantage of the vulnerable situation. With a tearful gulp, she kept reading.

January 14th - Tyler  
Day 3 of being sick and it's not pretty. You would've thought after getting sick so often for so long that I would be used to it, but I'm still surprised every time by how hectic and messed up the others get. Today I had a peculiar and honestly slightly scary transition from Michael to me. Even though he's been an alter for almost a year now, I don't think we've ever done that before, usually Andrew overthrows him then hands the front to me. It was weird, interacting with him. He's my persecutor and he's supposed to be an exact replica of the real person, but exchanging words with him briefly felt so faux and inaccurate. Maybe it's because I'm the only person who's met the real Michael and so I can tell the difference where the others can't, or maybe it's because my memories of the real Michael have changed and warped over time, or maybe I scared myself and denying his accuracy is the way I'm coping. I'm not sure. And for some bizarre reason, I suddenly have a strange urge to find out the truth as to why it doesn't feel rewarding when I let rip on him, open my heart to him. Even though I know it's potentially dangerous, I'm curious and borderline eager to see how both he and I would react if I did ever get the opportunity to confront him in real life. Right now that seems a crazy idea, I had a panic attack and then a flashback when the guy in Subway was called Michael last week, but I'm not convinced it's so crazy that it will never happen. Maybe I've just had too much cold medicine today, I don't know, guess we'll see what the future holds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had such a nice time on holiday and managed to throw my bikini on and ignore all the stares towards my scars :D so proud of myself and I managed to go a week in an unfamiliar environment without any relapses, so I'm feeling good   
> Hope you're all okay xx


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost did an HBO and posted the next chapter instead of this, oops

When Debby was younger, not long after her and her family had moved back to the US from Europe because her father had been relocated yet again, she had attended a ball. It was a fundraising event for a veteran charity and her dad had invited her as his plus 1. She had gone to get a gown from a store with her mom, and not only was she allowed to browse through whichever designer racks she liked, but she was also allowed to have the dress professionally altered by a seamstress. Her Aunt Marjory's golf friend's niece was training to be a hairdresser and gave her a free makeover that included her first ever set of highlights. And on the night of the actual ball, Dad had forked out and rented a nice Mercedes to drive and they had used the valet service - it was fair to say that she felt pretty darn posh.

However her idea of posh was totally blown out of the water by her boyfriend's family. She had followed Joel's advice and called up Bill's assistant, who had run Debby's request past her boss then immediately said that a meeting would be scheduled at their earliest convenience, and that turned out to be the very next morning.

For the first time in her entire life, a car was sent for her at 9.50 precisely and she had dressed up in her nicest clothes, aka the clothes that covered up as many of her tattoos as possible. She was very proud of the artwork, mostly her own, that covered her skin, however she didn't want to make a bad impression on her boyfriend's father so had chosen a teal pencil dress with a high neckline and added her most expensive and least worn blazer, in cream, on top. High heels were virtually unheard of for Debby but she had dug around and found a pair with a tiny two inch heel that she could just about walk in, and decided that was her best bet.   
Not wanting to be late, she had accidentally got herself ready to leave the house almost an hour before she saw a black Mercedes Benz S Class pull up on the street below, and she was already halfway down the stairs when her phone rang to inform her.

Her driver for the short journey, maybe 20 minutes max but possibly less, anxiety just seemed to lengthen it, was a borderline cliche looking chauffeur named Charles. Although her job as a tattoo artist consisted of making a lot of small talk with customers, she really struggled to raise her voice from the back seat of his car and, other than his introduction, neither of them said a word to each other until they finally arrived at the Dun estate. Charles opened the door for her and she climbed out nervously, feet crunchy in the stony gravel. Whilst Charles spoke to the guard in his outhouse, Debby had to hold in a gasp as she caught sight of the castle that Josh has once called home.

There were no real words to even begin to describe the scale of the simply stunning and ornate exterior of the mansion. Every possible detail had been completed to the highest level of skill, each leaf on each plant was the perfect colour and the perfect size, each statue was perfectly symmetrical, even the towering front door that reached up metres above Debby's head was varnished to a T, and the woman behind the door opened it at exactly the right moment so Debby didn't even have to slow down as she entered, escorted by Charles.

"Hello, my name's Eleanor," the stunning short woman intrigued herself, shaking Debby's sweaty hand.   
"Debby,"  
"Welcome to the Dun family home Miss Ryan." She smiled in spite of Debby's very clear permission to use her name. "That will be all, thank you Charles, you're dismissed."  
"Thank you. Have a good meeting Ma'am." Charles nodded to Debby then disappeared back towards his car whilst Debby followed the small, no taller than 5 foot, woman down a marble hall lines with paintings.

"Mr Dun won't be more than a few moments, he's just attending to some business. Whilst you wait, can I get you anything? A drink perhaps?" Eleanor offered once they entered a room which was excessively decorated with gold paintings everywhere she looked. Debby carefully sat on an incredibly uncomfortable chaise longue and gulped before answering.   
"Yes that would be lovely thank you, water please?"  
"Do you have a preference?"  
"I'm sorry?"  
"We stock Veen and Voss, do you have a preference?"  
"Oh, uh, Voss please, with ice please."  
"Crushed or cubed?"   
"Cubed please."  
"Certainly Miss Ryan, I'll call the kitchen for you." She smiled falsely and walked over to an internal phone on one of the walls and sent her requests whilst Debby tried not to freak out.

"...then get Harris on the phone and tell him that he's got until 5 to get that contract signed and sealed or I'm pulling out and he knows damn well that if I go then the whole deal is gonna fall apart." A deep voice bellowed and got louder as it got closer, and Debby was looking at the door when an older man and a younger man both in suits walked in, the younger scribbling away on a pile of papers frantically.   
"Yes sir."  
"Ah, you must be Debby! So pleased you could make it! I'm Bill, Joshua's father,"   
"Thank you for having me." She stood up awkwardly.   
"Aren't you a thing of beauty? Wow," he stepped closer then kissed both of her cheeks fondly.   
"Thank you,"  
"Right Eleanor, Timothy, we're going to my office to discuss private matters and are not to be disturbed. Only exceptions are news from my wife, my girls or Jordan's doctor, okay?"  
"Okay." They both nodded.

"Sir," another women entered the increasingly crowded room, dressed in a maid's uniform and holding Debby's drink on a tray. Had she not been absolutely terrified, she would have found the lone glass borderline comical, but her nerves stripped her of any sense of humour.   
"That's for our guest," Eleanor explained and Debby took the glass from her.   
"Thank you,"  
"Yeah thank you Maria," Bill copied her and the maid nodded then rushed out. "You two are dismissed as well,"  
"Yes sir," Eleanor and Timothy said in unison, then suddenly Debby and Bill were alone in the room together.

"Right, follow me," he started walking slowly but boldly towards a different door. "How was your journey?"  
"Good thank you, yeah, thanks for sending a car,"  
"Oh that's quite alright. I apologise that we had to schedule this for this morning, my diary is rammed full and this was the earliest Eleanor could fit you in. I hope you're not missing too much work,"   
"No no it's okay, I appreciate it so thank you, and I work by appointment so it's not a big deal," Debby explained as they went into his office and again she had to suppress a gasp of awe.

"Please, take a seat,"  
"Thank you." She settled into the chair he gestured to whilst he walked around the huge desk and sat in his own grand armchair that probably cost more than Debby had ever earned.   
"Now tell me, what is it that you do?"  
"I'm a tattoo artist,"  
"Oh wow, okay."   
"I run my own parlour downtown," Debby told him, hoping that might make her slightly more worthy in his eyes.   
"Your own? You're quite young for that aren't you?"  
"We're doing well, making a good profit."  
"I don't doubt that, sorry, I didn't mean for it to come across offensive, I was merely impressed by your entrepreneurship."  
"Thank you," she forced a smile.

"It's where I met J actually,"  
"Jay? Is what what Joshua goes by now?"   
"Josh, he goes by Josh, J's just a nickname."  
"Ah I see, and you did his tattoo? His, uh, his sleeve?"  
"Yeah that was me."  
"I like it."  
"It's okay sir, tattoos aren't everyone's cup of tea, I understand."  
"No, honest, I do like it. It's a tree, right? With a sunset and a star or a galaxy or something up on his shoulder?"  
"Yeah that's right." Debby smiled fondly.   
"You're obviously very talented, oh, and there's no need to call me sir, Bill's fine."  
"Thank you Bill."

"So, Joshua, he's the reason you wanted to come and meet with me?" He leaned forwards on the mahogany desk.   
"Yeah,"  
"I was notified that my account is no longer being invoiced for his admission, error or purposeful?"  
"Purposeful. I thought, you know, given how difficult your relationship has been, maybe it would be for the best if I tried to keep you separate."  
"Okay, I understand,"  
"You do? Thank you."  
"Course, however I would like to reimburse you for the cost of his stay. When the time comes, let me know how much this has set you back and I'll send a cheque."  
"It's okay, J and I have shared access to the account which you already pay into, that's what's being invoiced so you're already paying."  
"That money, that's for Joshua to spend on what he chooses, he didn't choose to get sick or to go into hospital. Really, I insist."   
"Okay, thank you." She nodded.

"I'm not sure whether you've heard from him recently, but I had a productive phone call with him yesterday."   
"Oh," Debby gulped nervously, praying it went okay.   
"He, uh, he didn't sound well."  
"Right,"  
"He was crying, but we had a good talk, yeah, proper father son heart to heart. I think it helped him."  
"Who decided to do that? Have a phone call?"  
"Joshua did." Bill said and she felt relieved that he hadn't been forced. "He called me up, had a minor breakdown on the phone, but calmed down towards the end."  
"Did he say why he was upset?"  
"His doctor had a quick word with me after, said he thought it was fairly likely that Joshua had suffered a hallucination."  
"Okay."  
"But I'm glad we had the conversation, it gave me the opportunity to apologise for the way I treated him and explain to him that he's important to me and I'm on his side."  
"Thank you." Debby suddenly felt very emotional.   
"It was about time I told him."

"I, um, I went to see him actually, on Friday, I got invited for a visit."  
"A visit? Right, how did it go?"  
"Umm," she played with her nail.   
"It's okay. He stayed with me before I got him hospitalised, I know what it's like, when he's completely withdrawn from reality and completely absorbed in this alternate world he believes in." Bill was surprisingly upset by the perfect explanation.   
"Uh huh,"  
"We'll get him back though Debby, okay? We'll get him back, he just needs a bit of time."  
"I know, thank you." She smiled with tears in her eyes. "He'll get there."  
"And we'll be here for him throughout his recovery." He said and she simply nodded, needing a moment to make sure she didn't start crying.

"I'm uh, I'm gonna go see him again tomorrow. Last time we had half an hour but now we've got 45 minutes, so that's a positive I guess."  
"Yeah that's great, good for him. Actually, before I forget, do you mind handing these in for him please?" He pulled open one of the drawers and rummaged around for a moment before pulling out 2 rolls of quarters and passing them across.   
"Of course."  
"Thanks. They're for the payphone, he used up half of the last roll I gave him so I thought it best to top him right up. And in case it wasn't clear, he can obviously use them to call you or any of his friends if he'd prefer that to me."  
"Great, thank you Bill." She put them in her purse.

"If there's ever anything I can do for him or for you, no matter how small, then please let me know."  
"Actually there is something, but it's a pretty big thing."   
"Fire away, I'll do all I can." Bill said and Debby was just about to open her mouth and spill the secret that she had so anxiously been hiding from him, when suddenly his office phone blurted a sharp buzzing sound. "Sorry,"  
"It's okay,"  
"Yep?" He pressed a button to answer it.   
"Your wife called sir," Eleanor said over the speaker phone.   
"Jord? He okay?"  
"He's struggling with his breathing, she thinks you need to be with him."  
"Right." Bill replied shortly and let go of the button, scratching his jaw before pressing it again. "Eleanor can you call two cars to the front please, one for me and one for our guest, and tell Charles to collect my luggage for an overnight stay."  
"Course sir."  
"Thanks." He let go and say back in his chair with a sigh.

"I'm so sorry."  
"Oh don't be, Laura, my wife, she's quick to panic these days. Yes it's true that he's very unwell, doesn't have long, but we've had quite a few of these calls now and every time he's managed to pull through."  
"Still, I am sorry."  
"Thank you." He straightened himself up a little. "And I'm sorry I have to end this so quickly, but whilst we wait for the cars, what can I do for Joshua?"  
"Um, well, to cut a long story short, he needs to see Jordan."  
"In person?"  
"Yes."  
"Right."  
"I know it's complicated, with his mother and everything, but it would be really beneficial for J's recovery."  
"Facing his demons, that sort of thing?"  
"Basically." Debby nodded and then the phone buzzed and again he pressed it.

"Your cars are ready sir."  
"Thank you Eleanor, we'll be along in a moment." Bill said then stood up, and Debby did the same. "Right, Debby, leave that with me. I'll figure something out I promise, and I'll get Eleanor to contact you once I do. And when you're visiting Joshua, pass on my love."

 

 

 

"Are you sure about this Jenna?"  
"Yeah, honest, I'll be fine." She nodded as she held the front door half open, Kelly stood on the porch. "We'll be fine Momma Joseph."  
"I won't be gone long, and if anything happens, anything, call me and I'll come straight home. If you're in danger, I give you permission to run and leave them here. Put yourself first. Keep yourself safe."  
"Kelly, I promise, nothing's going to go wrong."  
"I know I know, I just worry."   
"I understand, but please Kelly, I wouldn't have offered to stay if I didn't think I could handle it."  
"I'm sure you can handle it, I'm just not sure Blurry will behave." Kelly sighed. "Your neck sweetheart,"  
"I've learned my lesson," Jenna reached up and stroked the bruises left behind by Blurry's chokehold.

"I'm going to be late if I hang around much longer. Call me, okay?"  
"Okay." She nodded. "And ask Dr Andrews those questions for me?"  
"I will." The mother nodded. "Stay safe,"  
"I will. Goodbye,"  
"Bye sweetheart,"  
"I hope it goes well, bye." Jenna waved as Kelly started walking towards her car, then she shut the door and went back into the Joseph house.

Whilst Kelly took Tyler's journals to Dr Andrews for him to read and also for them to discuss what was to happen next with regards to the sexual assault clinic and meeting with Michael, Jenna stayed home with Blurry. Although it was still true that she was terrified of him, she was also reminded by the diary of how much she loved every single other person inside Tyler's body. It wasn't fair to abandon them all just because of the actions of one.

"Blur? Blur darling? It's just me and you now babe, where are you?" Jenna wandered around the familiar house, finding all the downstairs rooms empty, so tried upstairs instead. "Babe? Do you wanna do something together? Jeopardy's on if you wanna watch it?"

As she entered Tyler's childhood bedroom, fit with bunkbeds from when Josh had stayed with them, she was met with confusion. Blurry was sat against the wall with a ball of string, twisting strands together.

"Oh here you are. Your mom's gone now, just you and me." Jenna sat crossed legged on the carpet beside them, surprised that they hadn't lashed out yet, or even looked at her. She watched as they twisted and twisted, their right hand bloody and bruised from smashing through the glass cabinet but never getting the opportunity to be bandaged with him in charge. It wasn't just their hand that looked worse for wear though, their skin pale, their lips chewed, their frame slouched. They didn't look intimidating or brave or like Blurry at all, and for a moment Jenna had a glimmer of hope that someone else had taken over.

"Sweetheart, what are you doing?"  
"Making rope." They whispered under their breath, not giving Jenna any more clues as to who they were.   
"Rope? Whatcha need rope for?" She asked, picking up a strand of string for herself and playing with it.   
"For when Mother comes home and tells us the day we'll be expected to face our rapist."  
"Wait, what?"  
"Leave me be."  
"Blurry, look at me a second, Blurry, are you, a-are you suicidal?"   
"I said leave me be."  
"Blur I had no idea you felt like this." Jenna said honestly.   
"No idea, seriously?! No idea?!" They spat, dropping the half finished rope intended for a noose and staring at her bitterly.

"If I knew then I would have done something, tried to he-"  
"You've done enough, thank you very much." Blur hissed.   
"I, I don't mean to be cruel to you Blur, it's just, you know, you, you can be mean, a bully, and I wanna stick up for myself. If I had known then maybe I-"  
"What?! So it's MY fault that you're a fucking bitch because I didn't explicitly tell you I wanna off myself?!" They retorted.   
"No-"  
"I THOUGHT I MADE IT PRETTY FUCKING CLEAR HOW DESPERATE I AM!"   
"Blu-"  
"I have done EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! To stop this meeting from happening and NOBODY LISTENS!"  
"I'm listening now-"  
"IT'S TOO LATE!" Blurry screeched, kicked the rope away and standing up and latching onto their hair angrily.

"It's not too late baby, we can figure this out." Jenna stood up too. "Just talk to me Blur, come on, you don't need to go to these drastic measures."  
"Don't I?! DON'T I?"   
"I don't know you Blurry." She told them, trying to stay calm. "I, I've met you a handful of times, every single time you're on the attack and I'm on the defensive because I'm scared. I don't know what's you being desperate and crying out for help, and what's you just being you. I don't know you Blur, and I am sorry if I've made presumptions and assumed that the way you act is a personality trait and not circumstantial. But Blur, please, the way we work through this and the way I get to know and understand you, isn't by you pushing me away and trying to hurt me or yourself, it's by talking to me and explaining to me why you're hurting and how we can amend that."

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!" Blurry paced angrily before stopping at the wall and beginning to smash their forehead against the brick.   
"No no no," Jenna rushed to their side and instinctively slid her hand between the wall and their head, not appreciating that it would count as physical contact to the highly sensitive alter. The moment Blurry's face touched her hand, they let out a strange noise that was the mix of a shrill scream and a desperate whimper and hurriedly tried to run backwards but tripped on the rope and fell to the ground, however continued to back away until they reached a wall and collapsed into sobs, grasping their knees protectively.

Jenna was frozen for a moment, time simply stopped as she watched her beloved cry out in desperate hyperventilating shrieks. The person before her was not some heartless killer intent on bringing down mankind, the person before her was scared. Scared they were going to get hurt again in a way that Jenna could cry over at any moment and no doubt would if she didn't fight the tears. No person should ever feel that scared.

"I'm coming over Blur, I'm coming over but I won't touch you I promise." She warned him then carefully sat down with her back against the wall whilst leaving them a protective bubble of personal space.

She knew what some people might think, namely Kelly, she knew that some might say that Blurry was just putting it on, that he wants sympathy because then you're easier to take down and this is just another level of his elaborate plan. But as Jenna watched with tears in her eyes, she knew there was no possible way the level of pure and raw emotion could be faked. This wasn't Blurry being manipulative, this wasn't an opportunity for him to take advantage of her, this was sheer terror rendering someone hysterical.

"Six-teen," they choked between sobs.   
"I'm listening, keep going, I'm listening."  
"Tyler was SIXTEEN!" They screeched. "A kid! And, a-and,"  
"I know baby, I know," Jenna sniffed, a tear escaping down her left cheek.   
"He, Ty, he doesn't remember,"  
"He does Blur, we talk about it sometimes, he remembers."  
"Not, not like I do."

"Johnny told me once that you're the biggest trauma holder."  
"I still, I, I can still feel his fingers pinning my wrists down." He whispered before heaving another breath and sobbing more.

"Blurry I won't try and hug you, I know it won't comfort you, so what will? What's going to help angel?" Jenna asked a moment later, damp cheeks only getting damper as she watched with a broken heart. For a second they seemed to ignore her, then suddenly scrambled towards the homemade rope with a desperate lunge. Tears made them uncoordinated and it was easy for Jenna to prise the disintegrating string from their shaking grip and throw it aside.

"No Blur, you don't need that, okay? You don't need to do that. What you do need to do is take some deep breaths, trust me when I say that you're safe, and try your best to calm down a little." She reassured them softly, then stood up and pulled a soft red blanket off the end of Josh's old bunk, then went back to Blurry and placed it down just in front of them without getting too close.

"Red, to match your eyes, you can hide under it if you want." The sentence had barely slipped from her lips before Blurry grabbed the fabric and frantically rushed to throw it over their head and shelter themselves from the scary world outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's my dilemma, I'm planning the next few chapters and I can either wrap it up with about 2 more plus an epilogue, or I can write a bunch more (maybe 6 or 7 but I'm not totally fixed on that idea yet)   
> What would people prefer?


	22. Chapter 22

When Jenna woke up, her first thought was regret. She had slept on the cold hard course carpet in Josh and Tyler's old bedroom, with only a duvet on top of her and an old camping roll mat beneath. Blurry had slept on their old lower bunk and Jenna had wanted to stay in the room with them, but they panicked at the thought of her being above them and out of sight, so she offered to sleep on the floor. Then she had tried to lift the mattress onto the ground but for some reason it seemed to be screwed into Josh's top bunk and she was so exhausted and drained that she gave up easily and made do with the mat that Kelly found for her.

She sat up with a painful crick in her neck that her hand instinctively reached up and started massaging, meanwhile she thought about why exactly she had done what she'd done and immediately the regret evaporated. The memory of the state Blurry had been in yesterday struck her heart with a pang of sadness and she would have done anything, sacrificed far more than a night's sleep, to offer them even the smallest sort of relief.

"Your neck, does it hurt?" Someone in the system said and Jenna turned to face the bunk with a small wince. She wasn't quite sure who it was, but presumed it was the vulnerable side to Blurry who had recently been unveiled.   
"Uh, yeh, yeh a bit, but don't worry about it."  
"Sorry, I, I, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to choke you, I just,"  
"Blur, Blur it hurts because I slept funny, not because of you babe."  
"You slept there because of me."  
"Because I chose to, and I'd choose it a hundred times over." Jenna said and Blur's eyes darted away anxiously, unsure of how to respond to the act of kindness.

"Can I maybe talk to Tyler for a minute?"   
"No,"  
"Please Blur? Just a few seconds, I want to say good morning to him." She asked whilst tying her hair into a messy bun in a deliberate attempt to make the question seem like a simple request rather than a beg that put her in their hands.

"Last time I slipped up and let him front, he told you to ensure 'you know what' happens. Not making the same mistake again."  
"Okay I respect that." Jenna didn't want to push them, and they seemed both surprised and relieved, then went back to whatever they were doing before she woke up. Even with the turbulence recently, her lifelong hatred of the morning and inability to wake up early still remained so it didn't particularly surprise her that they had woken first.

"What are you writing?" She yawned once she noticed the top of the pencil poking above the duvet they had wrapped around them protectively.   
"A list."  
"Of?"  
"Sides." They hummed as they wrote.   
"Can I see?"  
"Okay."

Jenna reached up and took the notepad extended towards her, then turned it so it was the right way round. Blurry's hand writing was very different from Tyler's, much pointer and much messier, and it took her a moment to fully comprehend what she was reading. The page was split in half by a bold single like and on one side it listed Tyler, Johnny, Willow, Cassie, Michael, Dr Andrews and Mom. On the other side it said Blurryface, James, Lilly and Andrew.

"Is this, uh, is this who's for and who's against meeting Michael?"  
"Yeh." Blurry nodded, uncharacteristically nervous.   
"I'm surprised Cass wants to confront him, she has panic attacks over talking to waitresses, I never would have put her in the queue for talking to him."  
"She doesn't want to, well, she doesn't think it's a good idea, she thinks it's going to be horrible, but she wants to do it because she wants to hurt herself and thinks that would be seriously harming to her."  
"Oh,"

"Which side are you Jenna?" They asked but she wasn't ready to answer. "Are you with me? Or are you with Tyler?"  
"Tyler's my boyfriend, you know that, I'll always be supportive of his choices."   
"And you're his girlfriend, have influence him, could change his mind if you disagreed with him."  
"Just because I can, doesn't mean I should."  
"What if it saved him from a meltdown though? And by meltdown, I don't mean a flashback, I mean a complete breakdown rendering us inconsolable for hours, days, maybe indefinitely."

"Tyler knows what he needs. Maybe it's true that I'm not entirely convinced by this little plan, but I do trust him Blur, he knows what's going to be good for you all."  
"He's naive."  
"He's not Blur." She sighed as he passed their list back.   
"He is. He's got this plan about how he's going to go into that room and tell Michael exactly how his actions broke us and he expects Michael to feel guilty."  
"Good, I hope he does."   
"Really? You really think that's going to work?" They scoffed, sounding a little more like the Blurry Jenna knew. "One, the chance of Tyler managing to go in that room without having a flashback are next to none. Two, let's say by some miracle that he goes in and finds a voice, you think Michael will believe that there's 9 of us in his head? Three, you really think an abusive rapist has a conscious? You're just as naive as him."

"Can I think out loud for a minute?" Jenna asked and they nodded slightly. "I agree that it takes a special kind of evil to do what he did, and I understand why you might think he must have no capabilities to feel guilt, however I don't think that should mean he just gets away with it. You guys shouldn't let him off the hook, just because you think he won't react a certain way. I think you should at least give him the opportunity to feel remorseful."  
"At what cost though?" Blur murmured.   
"Yeah that's a good point, and that's the other side of the argument. Is it worth it to your system? Is the potential risk worth the potential reward? What are you actually going to get from this which outweighs the chance of you all suffering."   
"You know, in your heart, that we'll suffer."   
"I know that if it was up to me, which it's not, then I wouldn't have chosen to do this now because I don't think you're in a stable enough place to be able to cope with the triggers."  
"When will we ever be though?! It's been 7 years and you, our closest friend, girlfriend and carer thinks we need more time! Please Jenna, please, I'm desperate, please."

"Here's my, uh, my conflict if you like. I'm on your side Blurry, but I don't understand you."  
"You're on my side?"  
"Yes."  
"Thank you," they let out a sigh of relief. "I'll answer any question as long as it stays that way."  
"Okay, why are you doing this? Trying to stop the meeting. Why? Who are you benefitting?"  
"Primarily myself, I won't hide that. Like you said Johnny said, I'm the biggest trauma holder, I have the most detailed and graphic flashbacks so when we have one, I take the biggest hit."  
"Right,"  
"But also for the good of the system. We all have a duty to defend it, it's our home, and Tyler's turned his back on it so I've stepped up to the plate."  
"Don't go after Tyler Blurry, he hasn't turned his back, you just have different opinions on what's best for the system. He's not trying to hurt it."  
"Pff," they scoffed. "Sorry, sorry, I just struggle to see things from his point of view."  
"Yeah," she listened.   
"Let's put it like this. I saw a risk and for whatever reasons, the protectors and the rationals weren't defending us from that risk so I felt like I had no choice but to do it."

"You said protectors, isn't Andrew on your side?"  
"Our side."  
"Our side, yeah, isn't Andrew with us? Surely he could act as protector rather than you?"  
"Yeah, but Tyler's more powerful than him. They've been working together for 7 years, they know each other too well, Tyler knows exactly how to combat Andrew's attempts at taking control so he's no longer effective against a really determined Tyler."  
"So you're the big guns?"  
"Hmm," they were amused by that. "Yeah, yeah I guess I am."

"Why don't you come out more often if you're more effective then? Like, for example, last year Tyler tried to go and visit their brother in Providence and took the train but got lost and had a massive meltdown when a male guard tried to help them. He called an ambulance, they were in hospital, I had to drive 400 miles out to Washington to discharge them. Where were you?"  
"There was no threat, he didn't need me."  
"He was scared though, shouldn't you protect him from fear?"  
"Andrew does the fluffy stuff like that, I'm only interested in legitimate threat."  
"Right,"

"And like you said, I'm more effective, and I'm only more effective because people are scared of me. But you're not scared of me anymore, are you?"  
"No,"  
"No, exactly. The more familiar you get with something, the less scary it becomes. The first time you watch a horror movie is far scarier than the second. Anticipation is far scarier than actuality because your mind warps your ideas of me into your personal worst nightmare. And I use that to my advantage, I use that. You think I'm scary because you've been told I'm scary."  
"But you've done things Blur, things that people should be scared of."  
"Because people expect no better of me. I can get away with it."

"Trying to stab those people? You thought you could get away with that?"  
"Those people? Do you remember who they were?" Blurry asked.   
"Yeah, Laura Devas, Kathy Martin and Ryan."  
"Ryan, Michael's brother."  
"I know sweetheart, and he was an ass but he didn't deserve to die for it."  
"Right before I grabbed the knife, Ryan ran his finger along the inside of our waistband. Tyler was about to breakdown, I had to rectify the situation and make it very clear to Ryan that he had crossed a line by laying a finger on Ty, especially there of all places. And I knew I had to create a scene, had to take things further, had to involve other people to take Tyler's attention off Ryan. I did that because Tyler hadn't fully processed what Ryan had done, he hadn't fully understood, so I did what I did both because I wanted to scare Ryan but also because I wanted to divert Tyler's attention away from the line of thought that he might be about get raped again and towards the fear of going to jail." Blurry said and Jenna was lost for words.

"Tyler doesn't remember Ryan's touch because I interrupted his mind. He remembers me trying to stab lots of people because he thinks I had a blood lust and wanted to seek revenge on all of mankind, that's why I went after so many people. He doesn't remember what Ryan did. He's ashamed and embarrassed that I did that to two girls you were friends with, so he doesn't like to think about it and therefore because he blocks it from his memory, he blocks Ryan's touch from his memory. If I had only tried to stab Ryan then Ty would have obsessed over it and ultimately remembered what triggered me to act, and that would have triggered a breakdown for him." Blur continued. "I'm sorry that you had to watch that, and I'm sorry I scared your friends, and I'm sorry I got Tyler arrested, but in my opinion I did the right thing."

"I, I had no idea."  
"That's kinda the point." Blurry shrugged, running their hand through their hair. "I scare people because, on the grand scheme of things, it's for the best. It gets things done with only my reputation taking the blame."  
"So, uh, right. Firstly, thank you for doing that Blurry, I really appreciate it."  
"You're welcome, and your question?"  
"My question, um, recently, you know, with everything that's happened, how do you justify what you did to Josh and Debby? I don't mean that in an attacking way, I'm curious."  
"Debby, did she tell you how I got her to leave?"   
"Yeh, Michael the alter used you as a threat."  
"Basically, yeah. It's another example of how anticipation can be much scarier than reality. Even my reputation was enough to scare her into leaving."  
"But why did she have to leave Blur? Because, for the record, she's on our side too. She doesn't want Tyler to meet Michael."

"It's about support networks. Tyler has 3 main supports, you, Mom, Josh." They counted on their fingers as Jenna listened eagerly. "I wasn't sure, but I was fairly confident that you'd be against this meeting because you're always on the safe side when it comes to Ty. His mom, I wasn't sure, she could have gone either way. But Josh? I knew Josh would encourage Tyler, get on board with this idea, and I had to stop that from happening. I needed a majority against it, or at the very least for it to be 50:50, so I needed to remove either Mom or Josh from the network. Considering Mom was unknown, the logical choice was Josh."  
"Right,"  
"Josh has 2 main supports in his network, Debby and Tyler. I decided I needed to break the bond between Josh and Tyler, even if it was only momentarily, and I decided the best way to do that would be to take Debby away somewhere and have Josh follow after her. I couldn't just send them on holiday somewhere, it needed to be destabilising, but the plan was to make Debby disappear and Josh's first place to look would be her parent's house, and then they'd be together and Debby would explain the situation and they'd stay away long enough for me to sort things out with Tyler internally."  
"But it backfired?"  
"Oh as you can see, it turned to complete shit." They sighed.

"I didn't know about Jordan, I didn't realise Josh was already unstable, I didn't expect for him to react like this and I didn't want for this to happen. I like to think of myself as pretty cunning, but not even I could arrange for him to go psychotic like I did, you have to believe me."  
"I believe you."  
"I didn't realise how sick he would get, it was never meant to be like this. All I wanted was to protect the system, I'm sorry for what I've done."  
"It's okay Blur, you didn't know. The thing with Josh is that he didn't have solid bedrock in the first place. His childhood, it wasn't pretty, the cracks started forming when he was so so young, and that's not your fault. None of us could predict that he would fall apart like this."

 

 

"And then this is my room," Josh showed her, not proudly but simultaneously not timidly. She supposed he was nervous, and she understood because she felt the same.   
"I like it, it looks very, um, very nice."  
"Grab your fleece Josh, then you two can head out." Dr Cooper said and he nodded then opened a half-empty drawer and pulled out a navy fleece that matched his jogging bottoms. He put it on as the therapist started leading the way down a corridor that Debby had never seen before.

They turned a corner and she saw another patient in a room with two nurses, crying her eyes out. Something in Debby's heart dropped and she reached across and found Josh's hand, holding it tight.

"45 minutes," Dr Cooper announced as he held a card against a sensor and a door opened out into the gardens.   
"I get an hour," Josh whispered.   
"You've got an extra 15 minutes with your visitor instead today bud, and if it goes well then next time you can have the full hour out here together. And if things aren't going well, just come back early and we'll talk things through."  
"Thank you." Debby forced a smile, squeezing Josh's hand.   
"And there's a nurse out here too, her name's Elaine, she's sat by the big oak, Josh you know where, so you can talk to her too if you have any questions or need help."  
"Thanks Doc,"  
"See you later, enjoy." He smiled then closed the door and left Josh and Debby alone on the grass.

"You ok sweetheart?" She asked and he nodded in spite of the tears in his eyes. "Do you wanna show me where you usually go when you have a garden pass?"  
"Yeh, yeh okay," Josh mouthed, barely audible, then started walking down one side of a huge lawn lined with flower beds. Despite the colourful and beautiful plants right next to him, Josh wasn't looking at them, he was staring down at his slippers and it made her stomach feel funny. If she could do anything, anything at all, to make things easier for him then she'd do it in a heartbeat.

"Have you had a nice morning so far?" She asked and he nodded a little. "What did you have for breakfast?"  
"I had a bowl of Cheerios and I had an apple and I had a glass of orange juice."  
"I had Cheerios too, Jenna stayed at Kelly's house last night with the system so I stole a serving from her box, don't tell her." Debby smiled but Josh didn't notice.

"Can we sit somewhere J? Have a proper talk?"  
"Um, yeh, there's uh, there's a bench just though here." Josh told her then showed her to a gate in the wall that lead into a small private statue garden, very similar to the ones she had seen at the Dun mansion. Josh weaved through them, showing no interest, and then sat on a small cold wooden bench and left room for Debby. She sat down too, as close as she could to him, cuddling against his chest even though he didn't cuddle back.

"Debby,"  
"Yes handsome?"  
"Am, am, am I, am I in hospital? Is this a hospital?" He sniffed and she took her head off his chest and saw there were already tears on his cheeks. She reached up and carefully wiped them away with her thumb then kissed him on the temple.   
"It's a mental health unit, so yeah, a special hospital,"  
"Psychiatric."  
"Yeah that's right," Debby picked his hand back up and cupped it in both of hers, softly stroking it as she watched the tears continue to fall down his face.

"I, Debby, I, I have to tell you something, I'm really sorry,"  
"It's okay darling, don't be sorry, I'm listening, what is it?"  
"I, I," he stammered, biting his bottom lip for a second but not preventing a sudden sob escaping. "I relapsed Debby,"  
"Oh J," she let out a deep sigh, nestling her head further into him. "Sweetheart you don't need to apologise or feel guilty, okay? I'm sorry that you've been feeling so low recently, and I'm sorry that things got so bad that you felt like doing that to yourself, but I promise we're gonna make things better, okay? Your wounds, they'll heal, and your mind's going to heal too I promise. I'm gonna make sure you never feel you have to do anything to harm yourself ever again." Debby said but he said nothing.

"Do you know why you're here J?"  
"Because some things aren't real."  
"Yeah, do you know what things?" She asked gently, a tear escaping her eye.   
"The snake and my father,"  
"Do you know what else?"  
"There's more?" He gulped, scared.   
"A little bit sweetheart, just a few things, but don't worry about it right now, okay?"  
"Tell me,"  
"Josh, I think maybe this is something for Dr Cooper to work with you on, not me."  
"Please," Josh asked and Debby could see the desperation in his eyes.   
"Things about me going away because of the gang, they're not real sweetheart."  
"But, but, but," he stammered as he tried to wrap his head around what he'd been told, and Debby gave him time and space to do it.

"I don't understa-a-n-nd-d," her boyfriend started sobbing, folding over and planting his face into his hands.   
"Oh baby," she sighed, rubbing his back supportively. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I know it's scary and I know it's overwhelming and confusing, and I know things don't make a lot of sense right now, but the positive you can at least try and think about is that we're safe, yeah? There's nobody coming after us, we're completely safe and we're completely free to spend as much time as we need to work on this and work though this together, and to get to a time and a place where you do understand. And I promise you J, I promise, I'll be here with you every step of the way."

They stayed like that for a long time, Debby wasn't sure exactly how long but she didn't particularly care. All she did was stroke his back and try her best to be patient whilst he wept and tried to make sense of the cataclysmic news he'd just received. There was no benefit in rushing him and Debby knew that it was probably very telling of what the foreseeable future would hold - tears, confusion and patience.

"I, I, I,"  
"It's okay babe, take your time," Debby hushed him as he sat up, still in tears.   
"He, Father, he was ri-i-ight there Deb, a-and then, and then on the ph-phone he, he, he was at h-o-me,"  
"Babe," she sighed sympathetically, holding his hand again.   
"I thought it was re-a-l, I thought, I th-though-t it was all real,"

"Are you going to dance with me J?" Debby asked him, standing up whilst still holding his hand and waiting as he eventually made wary eye contact with her, then found strength in her gaze and rose to his trembling feet. She changed the grip of their hands to a ballroom position whilst also wrapping her free left hand around his back and pulling him close, slowing swaying with her head against his chest and his chin resting on top of her.

"I met him,"  
"Father?" Josh sniffed as they swayed.   
"Yeah, I went to his house, your old house, yesterday to have a chat with him. Joel set it up."  
"Oh,"  
"Is that okay?" Debby hummed, listening to his pounding heart.   
"Uh, y-yeah, yeah, what did he, uh, what did he say?"  
"Well the main thing he said was that he really really wants you to get better darling, and he's going to do anything he can to help."  
"On the phone, he, um, he, he said, he said I can go to a, uh, a hospital in Norway."  
"Norway?" She laughed a little, looking up at him with a smile. "Now that would be a long way to travel everyday for a 45 minute visit."

"But I'm glad he's being proactive and looking into places for you darling, and obviously if you want to move somewhere then I'll come too and stay in a hotel nearby. Whatever you need, we'll make it work I promise." She put her head back in its perfectly sized space against his body. "If there's anything I can do or your father can do, we're here for you."  
"Thank you." Josh whispered.

"We spoke about some other things too, he said he liked your tattoo, it doesn't really matter but he said he's going to give us a bit more money, he said that he was impressed I have my own shop, he said he's sure you're going to get better."  
"Mmm,"  
"And then this morning I had word from his assistant Eleanor, and she told me that your father managed to find a way for you to visit your brother."  
"Wait what?" He stepped out of the embrace to look at her and instead Debby wrapped her arms around the back of his neck and he eventually rested his on her hips, but at least they had eye contact that way.

"Well I know that when I was away, you and Joel tried to go and see Jordan,"  
"They, I couldn't, they banned me,"  
"Yeh, I got you permission now sweetheart. And your father has arranged that Ashley and Abi and your mom go back to the house to meet with an artist who's making a memorial sculpture for Jordan. He's not sure how long they'll be, but he said that he'll keep you safe no matter what."  
"Is, is, is Father going to be with me?"  
"Yeah, your father and me too."   
"W-when?"  
"Tomorrow darling. I spoke to Dr Cooper and he said that as long as you don't hurt yourself between now and tomorrow then he's going to give you 3 hours leave. That means we can go and see Jordan, and then if we have some time left over we can go back to our apartment for a little while, or if you want to come back here early then that's okay too."

"Dr Cooper's letting me leave?"  
"Only for 3 hours, okay? We have to come back."  
"Okay,"  
"Does that feel alright? You wanna do that baby?"  
"W-what, what do I say to Jordan?"  
"Well that's up to you, and if you don't want to say anything at all then that's okay too. I think that after I leave today, Dr Cooper's going to have a talk with you about it, so you can decide together what you want to get off your chest."  
"Like what?" He sniffed.   
"Maybe you want to tell him you love him, or maybe you might say that you're cross he didn't try and help you when you lived at home, or that you wish you had been better friends when you were kids, or maybe you're angry that he's sick, or you're upset he's sick, or you regret not reaching out, or whatever. I can't put words in your mouth sweetheart, they have to come from your heart." Debby said softly as they swayed in their new position. "He's your brother J, and I know these aren't exactly normal circumstances, but I promise that you're going to have all the support you need and I really hope that you can find the strength somewhere to tell him what you've wanted to tell him all these years. You're the strongest guy I know, and I know that you can do this,"

 

 

  
"He's manipulating you Jenna," Kelly sighed, leaning back in her seat at the kitchen table.   
"I really don't think he is."  
"It's what he does, we both know that."  
"How do we know that though? How?"  
"Because Tyler, my son, your boyfriend, has shared a headspace with him for 7 years and knows what he's like. Tyler has warned us over and over again that we can't trust him, are you saying that you trust an alter that you were terrified of just a few days ago more than you trust your boyfriend of a decade?"  
"Why does it have to be one not the other, maybe I trust them both." Jenna argued.   
"But they say the complete opposite, they can't both be telling the truth."  
"It's not about truth though, it's opinions. Okay maybe they have different opinions but I can respect them both for theirs."

"Jenna, you can't put a murderous alter's opinions before Tyler's."   
"He's not murderous, you only think he is because that's what the other alters have told you because that's what he wants them and you to think. If he's got a more threatening reputation then he's better as his job. He's complex."  
"Tyler's complex, Blurry's smart and manipulative but he's not complex. His motives are clear."  
"What are they then?" Jenna asked, not wanting to argue but not wanting to let Blurry down.   
"Blurry's motives?"  
"Yeh."  
"To inflict pain and violence to get revenge for what happened to them. He's fuelled by blind anger."  
"It's not blind, it's carefully directed for a valid cause."   
"Yes, and right now it's carefully directed at you, and it's working." Kelly replied.   
"He's not angry at me though, he opened up with me, was honest."  
"No Jenna, he changed his tactic. Fear wasn't working because you just stayed away from him, so now he's manipulating you with fake shows of emotion, and bingo, it's working, you're fighting his cause for him rather than running from him."

"I'm happy to fight his cause, not because he tricked me into doing it but because I think it's the right thing to do."  
"And what, it's just a coincidence that you're his pal now that he's pulled this stunt?"  
"It wasn't a stunt!" Jenna exclaimed exasperated. "Please, Kelly, if you had been here last night and heard the way he cried, you would know that nobody can fake emotion like that. This is legitimate."  
"I've heard them hysterical far too many times, mostly when Ty fronts, and I know it's completely heart wrenching, but Blurry knows that too and he's using it to his advantage."  
"And you know why Ty cries like that? Because he's terrified of the person that you're about to force him to see tomorrow."  
"Tomorrow?" A small voice said from the kitchen door, and both of them drew in sharp breaths as they looked up and saw Blurry stood there.

"You, y-you, you said the meeting, with M, it's tomorrow?" Blurry expanded as they took a shaky step forwards, playing with hoodie paws.   
"Yes, the appointment starts at 11am at the sexual assault clinic and I don't care what you have to say about the matter Blur, this is happening." Kelly said matter of fact, and Jenna felt like she had failed them.  
"I, no, I uh, I actually came down here to tell you something, tell both of you something."  
"Well if it's some wild threat about how you're gonna make me pay-"  
"Kelly, please, let them speak."  
"Thank you Jenna." They took another step forward.

"I just wanted to say, I'm going to let Tyler front."   
"Why?" Kelly was suspicious whereas Jenna was already on the verge of tears.   
"Because I had a mission, and I failed, and I can't stay around to deal with the consequences. The whole reason I came out of dormancy was because I sensed a dangerous idea brewing inside of Tyler and I felt I had no choice but to do everything in my power to stop it turning into a reality. I feel that I have done everything, I've tried every way I can think of, I've even just sat and pleaded, and nothing seems to be working. I'm sorry Jenna, I've been listening in, and there's no way you were going to convince Kelly." Blurry explained quietly. "I've shown all my cards, I've got nothing left up my sleeve, and I've run out of ideas. So I guess I have no choice but to say that Tyler wins, he gets his way, and I just need to brace for the inevitable fallout. I can't be around when we see him, it will torture me, so I need to go away again, go deep and do my best to detach from what's happening externally. I'll stay in control tonight so that nobody gets too anxious whilst we try and sleep, then I'll surrender in the morning."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is judgement day, any predictions?


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rape TW on this chapter  
> PLEASE BE CAREFUL

"Do you know what you want to say?" Debby asked as the car his father had sent continued its journey from St Mary's to the heart clinic with the couple snuggled together in the back.  
"I, uh, I spoke to Dr Cooper yesterday,"  
"Yeh?"  
"He just said, um, well basically what you said. There's no right or wrong, and it's not up to him to decide what needs to be said, it's up to me."  
"Yeh,"  
"He helped me brainstorm a bit, come up with some potentials."  
"Such as?" She asked, rubbing his bicep with her thumb.  
"I wanna apologise. The last time I saw him conscious, I threw him up against the wall and asked him if he wanted to die, threatened him, so I need to clear my conscience."  
"Right okay darling,"

"Dr Cooper also said that it's not all about what I want to say, but it's also about what I want to hear from him. So I'd like to hear him say he loves me, even if it's not necessarily true,"  
"You're brothers J, that's a special kind of love, a love that's unbreakable."  
"We'll see," he sighed.  
"And you're gonna tell him that you love him?"  
"Yeh definitely."

"Mr Dun, Miss Ryan, we're 5 minutes from our destination." The chauffeur put the partition down to tell them.  
"Thank you Charles," Josh replied and the black partition slid back up again.

"The main thing he repeated quite a few times is don't have any regrets when I walk away," He continued.  
"No regrets, okay,"  
"Yeah, make sure I don't wish I had said something else later down the line,"  
"I think that's good advice," Debby hummed agreeingly. "And I reckon that quite a lot of it will just come to you. I don't know what sort of condition he's going to be in, what he'll look like, but I'm sure the whole environment is gonna trigger a lot of emotions, and that's okay Josh. It's normal, and the right thing to do is voice them and get them off your chest."  
"Yeah,"

"Obviously I don't want it to happen, but if a panic attack does start building then that's okay too darling. We can step out and find somewhere private to work through it together, no rush."  
"And if I have a hallucination?" Josh asked, still not used to how the word felt leaving his lips.  
"Same thing, we'll step out and we'll deal with it."  
"Thank you for taking such good care of me babe," he kissed the top of her head.

"I brought you a change of clothes in case you wanted to wear something other than your hospital gear for a little while." She told him a moment later, leaning down and picking up a canvas bag filled with one of his many combinations of band tees and skinny jeans.  
"Perfect, thank you."  
"You can get changed back here or wait till we're at the clinic and find a bathroom or something,"  
"I might just change this fleece for my hoodie and leave the rest." Josh decided, not wanting to be weird and not get changed in front of his girlfriend but simultaneously not wanting to swap pants and let her see the slowly healing wounds on his thighs. She wouldn't judge him, but it seemed unnecessary to take the risk of upsetting her.  
"Okay darling, whatever you're happiest in."

He unbuckled his belt and pulled off the more familiar growing fleece he'd been handed on his first day of incarceration, putting it in his lap whilst he replaced it with a black hoodie. Once he pulled it down at the back, he shoved the fleece in Debby's bag then settled against the leather seat once more, not bothering with his belt since they were so close.

"Feeling okay?" She asked, putting her small hand on his knee to stop it from bouncing nervously.  
"I just, eh, tired I guess."  
"Are you sleeping alright?"  
"They um, they give me drugs, sleeping pills, so I've been getting just about enough each night, I guess life is quite draining right now."  
"I understand." Debby said and he believed her, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Mr Dun, Miss Ryan, when you're ready." Charles said as the car came to a stop, and Josh took a deep breath before climbing out of the door that the man opened for him.  
"Am I okay to leave that bag of clothes in there?" Debby asked as she stood up too and held Josh's hand tightly.  
"Of course Miss Ryan, I'll take care of it for you." He nodded. "Eleanor will be waiting just inside those automatic doors for you, I wish you well."  
"Thank you," she smiled politely but Josh said nothing, nerves paralysing his jaw. Charles got back inside the black car and drove towards the parking lot, meanwhile Debby squeezed supportively then started guiding Josh towards the heart clinic.

"Remember to breathe." Debby whispered as they passed the waterfall that Josh recognised from his last failed visit attempt. He gulped then nodded and let a little air into his lungs.

"Miss Ryan, it's lovely to see you again," Eleanor stood up from a seat in the lobby and greeted Josh's girlfriend with a smile. "And Mr Dun-"  
"Josh." He corrected.  
"Mr Joshua, it's been too long, I'm glad you see you. I've already registered your visit with the front desk, so, as long as you're both ready, we can go straight through to Master Dun's room."  
"Where's my father? He said he'd be here."  
"He's already in with Master Dun." Eleanor answered.  
"El, please, call him Jordan, he wouldn't want things to be so formal, especially not here of all places."  
"Apologies sir." She completely missed the point but Josh knew it was a lost cause.

"Can we see him please? Jordan?" Debby moved on.  
"Certainly ma'am, sir, just this way." The short assistant nodded and gestured towards a corridor then lead the way, the couple following behind hand in hand.

"You got this babe." Another supportive and much needed whisper.

The three of them walked in silence as they continued the rest of the journey, weaving through seemingly endless corridors of hospital rooms hidden behind expensively decorated exteriors before finally reaching an oak door. Josh couldn't read the name engraved in the label, but that didn't stop him from knowing who was behind it.

Eleanor opened the door and Josh was only able to go through it because Debby held his hand so tight that he didn't have a choice. Immediately tears tumbled down his cheeks and nothing else seemed to matter as his gaze fell to the lifeless crumpled corpse in the body. It was Jordan, but Josh only knew that by circumstance, not recognition. The shell was a scarily skinny skeleton covered in grey-blue waxy skin that was patterned with horrific scars, brightly contrasting bandaids securing endless tubes and IVs and oxygen cannulas to the body, and ECG electrodes hooked up to heart rate monitors that decorated the head of the hospital bed.

One thing was very apparent, Josh wasn't going to be hearing anything from his little brother at all.

"Joshua, son," Father managed to divert his attention momentarily, standing up from his chair at Jordan's bedside and pulling Josh into a tight hug, taking him by surprise. He couldn't remember the last time they had hugged, perhaps they never had, but even that wasn't enough to stop the tears.

"Thank you so much for arranging this Bill," Debby said once the pair separated.  
"Well really it's all down to Eleanor. And I must say, you look beautiful Debby,"  
"Thank you," she smiled falsely as Father kissed each of her cheeks whilst Josh attempted to mop up his unending tears.  
"Eleanor, will you find these two some chairs please?"  
"Right away sir." The woman nodded then left the room.

"Jordan, your brother is here to see you." Father turned to the bed and announced. "Whilst he's been away, he's got himself a girlfriend. Her name's Debby, she's stunning, definitely worth opening your eyes for kiddo."  
"Oh I don't know about that," Debby chuckled naturally as she stepped closer to the bed and ran her fingers along the blue blanket casually, seemingly relaxed whilst Josh still cried in the doorway.

"Josh has been up to lots of other stuff too, haven't you babe?" She spoke so calmly and so naturally that Josh would have been inspired had he not been staring at his almost dead brother.  
"Why don't you tell him about it? I'm sure he'll love to hear about his brother's adventures." Father smiled as he sat back in his chair.

"Here we go sir," Father's assistant walked back in, struggling to carry two chairs. Debby rushed to take one off her and placed it next to Jordan's bed, then Eleanor put the other beside it.  
"Thank you Eleanor, you're dismissed," Father waved her off and she scuttled away again.

"You wanna sit with me sweetheart?" Debby asked softly but Josh shook his head no. "Can I sit?"  
"Yeh, I, I just wanna stand." He murmured tearfully from the end of the bed. His girlfriend stroked his arm supportively with a sad smile, then sat in her seat.

"Um, Bill, I don't think Jordan's breathing," Debby whispered and the father turned to look at his son's face, lifting two fingers and holding them above his mouth to feel for air. It was clear from the look on his face that there was no sign, and Debby watched anxiously as Bill moved one of Jordan's frail arms across his body then rolled him onto his side and started rubbing his back in circles with the palm of his hand.

"It's alright Jord, come on, gonna breathe for me?" He hummed calmly whilst continuing the motion which rocked the still unbreathing body.  
"Want me to get someone?" Debby offered whilst Josh tried not to have a panic attack, although building panic was inevitable.  
"We're okay, aren't we Jordy? There we go kiddo, that's it," Bill murmured as Jordan took a small weak breath, to Josh's relief. "Sometimes he just needs reminding, needs a little encouragement."  
"That, that happens a lot?" Josh managed to find a shaky voice, wiping tears as it echoed off the white walls.  
"Not an everyday thing, but not unheard of." The father replied whilst cautiously but steadily rolling Jordan onto his back again, not that the half dead teen noticed.

"Do, d-do, um, do you ever think about not, uh, not helping him breathe?" He asked, even more tears falling.  
"Think about it, yeah, I think about it a lot, but I don't think I'd ever do it." Father replied, still stroking Jordan's arm with his thumb. "We recently decided to sign a DNR, so if his breathing stops completely or his heart stops completely, the nurses can't step in and restart either. However a little encouragement just seems the natural parental thing to do."  
"O-okay,"

"We've, uh, we've turned his feeds off too. He used to have a tube going into his nose to get some nutrients into him, but he stopped tolerating it about 5 days ago so we've decided not to continue with any alternative nutrition."  
"How much will that impact him?" Debby asked what Josh wanted to know.  
"Honestly, nobody knows. We're still giving him fluids, that's what's in his arm here, and I'm sure you know that you can survive a while without food but dehydration happens a lot faster. So it's not going to be an imminent death, it's just going to hopefully make him a little more comfortable. His belly's not working how it should, so constantly feeding him when it's not getting broken down and absorbed could give him painful bloating and we don't want him to have any avoidable pain. By choosing to withdraw nutrition, it does mean it's guaranteed that he will pass relatively soon, and Laura and I decided that it's for the best that he passes peacefully and naturally, when he's ready, rather than hanging on for a few more days."  
"Understandable, and uh, and brave."

"Father,"  
"Yes son?"  
"Will you tell me, us, when he moves on?"  
"Of course I will son, I'll come round and see you myself, whether you're at St Mary's or they let you out by then, and we'll talk it through. Then once the arrangements are made, I'll hand deliver an invitation to his funeral too."  
"Thank you, but uh, but I don't want to go." Josh whispered.  
"It's your brother's funeral Joshua, don't let things with your mother stop you from attending."  
"Or if you're worried about your mental health then we can talk to St Mary's and see what help they can offer?" Debby suggested.  
"Yeah, I'm sure I can find another invite for a nurse for you."  
"Thanks, but, but, no, honest, I don't think I should come. It's not my day, it's his. The attention should be on him, not me. And if I were to attend, it's inevitable that people will be staring, whether that's because they know I ran away or because I get sick and breakdown or just because of my hair. Please, the best thing I can do for him is show him respect by steering clear." He tried to say bravely but the crying didn't help.

"That's very noble and I respect you for that, and if you change your mind then that's okay son."  
"Thank you Father."  
"If there's anyway I can facilitate you saying goodbye in your own way, please let me know." Father said and Josh nodded appreciatively whilst Debby sighed.

"Oh look who's decided to wake up and say hello to his big brother." Father suddenly had a warm tone to his voice that Josh barely recognised, and looked up to see Jordan's eyes were ever so slightly open. "You've got some visitors Jord. Your mother and the girls are right next door, then I'm here, Father, and you've also got two new guests. This is Joshua, your brother, and this is his girlfriend Debby. They wanted to come and see you,"  
"Hey Jordan, it's lovely to meet you," Debby smiled but Josh couldn't even fake one because it was so painfully obvious that Jordan didn't have a clue what planet he was on. The tiny slit in his eyes barely revealed the pupil, but Josh could tell from the end of the bed that Jordan was looking towards the ceiling but seeing nothing.

"He's not much of a chatter, never has been, has he Joshua?"  
"Can he, you know, can he communicate at all?" Debby asked.  
"Oh he'll let you know if he's not happy about something alright," Father nodded. "It's not Shakespeare, but we do get the occasional grunt or whine out of him. Not so much recently though, so maybe not today."  
"There's no need to tire yourself out Jordan, we're just grateful to be here." She continued to find the words that Josh couldn't.

"I, I can't, I can't do this," the anxiety got too overwhelming and Josh buckled, suddenly making for the door. He'd barely made a step down the corridor before Debby's hand grabbed his scarred wrist and span him so they were holding terrified eye contact.

"No regrets. That was the plan, leave nothing unsaid, leave with no regrets. If you have no regrets, I'll leave with you right this moment, but if you think that anxiety is blinding you from the potential regrets then I want you to stay here for a little longer baby. Please, I know you're scared, I know he's really unwell, I know death is hard to look at and be around, but don't regret this J."  
"I don't wanna get sick I don't wanna get sick I don't wanna get sick." He shook his head in floods of tears, and Debby placed her delicate hands on the back of his neck, stopping his head with her thumbs and hushing calmly.

"You're not gonna get sick baby,"  
"Doc said anxiety makes me worse, I can't, I can't, what if I hallucinate and I hurt him? I can't."  
"Hey hey hey, calm, shhh, calm sweetie, you're okay. Breathe, you're okay, you're safe, just breathe." She hummed lovingly. "I'm here, I've got you, I'm not going to let you do anything you'll regret. That includes leaving without saying what you need to say, and includes hurting him if things get that far. But Josh, Josh, shh, calm, things haven't got that far, you're okay, you just need to breathe."

"It's so hard," Josh hiccuped.  
"I know it is J, I know, and you're doing so well and making me so proud." She pulled him into a hug, ignoring a random nurse that walked past them in the corridor. "I'm so proud of you."  
"I, I, I just wanna go home, I don't wanna go to the unit, I wanna go home! With you!"  
"You're doing so well angel, it won't be long till you're discharged, you're doing so well."  
"I don't wanna do this anymore," he sobbed.  
"I can't and won't force you to do anything."

"I'm so scared."  
"No regrets, that's the motto you've got to keep chanting, no regrets. I won't make you, but imagine this is your last time seeing him, are you done? Do you want me to find Charles to take us home until it's time to go back? Or do you want to maybe tell him you love him? It's up to you, but you know what I think."  
"I'm so scared," he squeaked again.  
"I'm right by your side, I'm going to look after you no matter what."

"I, I wanna go,"  
"Okay darling, we'll spend the rest of your time at home."  
"I'll, I'll say bye first."  
"You will? Oh well done babe, well done." She seemed genuinely proud as she kissed him then gave him some time to swallow down his tears before holding his hand and his arm protectively and leading him back into the hospital room.

"Jordan, I, I," he stammered as he tried his best to look at the wilting form of his little brother. "I'm so sor-r-y,"  
"Shhh, you're okay," Debby hummed as burst into a fresh set of sobs.  
"I'm s-so s-sor-ry, I, I ne-v-ver m-meant to h-hu-rt y-you. I, I'm s-sorry, I, I, love y-you, a-and I'm sorry I ne-ever r-r-real-ly knew y-you. I'm s-sorry th-i-is is ha-happen-i-ing t-to y-you. If I c-could ta-ake your p-place, I w-would." Josh wept. "I, I'm s-sorry J-jor-d-dan. I l-love you, a-and I w-won't f-for-g-get you, l-i-ittle bro."

 

 

  
"Tyler, when you're ready, we're ready for you." A woman said but the words didn't truly sink in as they watched the fish tank just inches from the end of their nose, watching as the fish swam in circles, watching as the bubbles floated to the top, watching as the small stones were unsettled then settled back to the bottom again. Maybe they'd watch forever, because a time when they were ever ready to face Michael would never come. Ready was the wrong word, more like resilient enough to get themselves into the chair, or maybe stupid enough.

He'd fought so hard to win the right to stand there that day, to finally confront Michael, and he'd been so focused on the fight that it was only now that he started to have doubts. Maybe this was stupid, maybe it was a mistake, maybe Blurry was right and maybe this would push them over the edge.

"Baby?" Jenna whispered, startling them. "It's time,"  
"Oh,"  
"You okay?"  
"Not sure," they said truthfully, looking away from the fish tank and turning to face her.  
"You know, it's not too late to call this off."  
"No, we want, I want to do this."  
"Definitely?"  
"Definitely." Tyler nodded nervously, then let out a deep breath they didn't realise they were holding in before pulling Jenna into a hug. They'd only planned for a quick one but Jenna clung on tightly, not letting go for what seemed like a long time, but Tyler wasn't complaining.

"I love you."  
"We love you too." They pecked her on the lips.  
"You're so brave and I'm so proud of you. Just remember to breathe, yeah?"  
"Okay."  
"And I'll be sat right out here if you need me,"  
"Thank you."  
"Just, just, stay safe, okay? Look after yourself. You know your limits, you know when you're getting triggered and you know when you've had enough. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, and I want you to prioritise your wellbeing over anything else. That means leave when you need to."  
"I will." Tyler told her and she just forced a sad smile, tears building along her lash lines.

"I'll see you again soon, won't I Ty?"  
"Before the hour is up." They tried to sound confident. "Promise."  
"Good." She sniffed. "Sorry, I'm getting you all emotional too, my bad, I'm sorry. Just remember I care about you so much,"  
"As if we could forget."

"Good luck in there baby."  
"Thank you." Tyler gulped, taking her hand and walking towards the door that the woman, Amelia, had just been stood. On the way over, they walked by all the other members of his support system who had turned out to be there for them. Their mom and dad were there, so was Dr Andrews their DID specialist, and Louise their therapist. Nobody said anything at first, just looked up at the couple with a mixture of anxiety and encouragement.

"You've got this." Mom said simply and they nodded appreciatively.  
"Give him Hell kiddo." Dad took his turn, and again Tyler nodded. Neither of the psychology professionals said anything but it was for the best, it was too late for their advice. Tyler took another deep breath, squeezed Jenna's hand before releasing it, then took one final look at his loved ones before stepping through the door.

There was a short corridor to walk down, maybe only 5 metres at most, and only had one other door. His family were in the 'lavender' waiting room, private just for them to prevent them crossing paths with Michael, who was in another waiting room somewhere in the clinic. However the room where they would come together was called the 'healing room' and Tyler opened the door shakily.

"Hello Tyler, come in," Amelia smiled and he entered the almost empty room. The walls were all white with nothing hanging on them, and there was no furniture except 3 chairs and a low coffee table with glasses of water and a box of tissues. 2 of the chairs were facing each other, and the one to the side of them was where Amelia was sat.

"Is that his?" Tyler didn't bother to say hello, pointing to a chair.  
"If you'd like it to be, yes."  
"It's, it's too close to our one, can you move him further away from us please."  
"Absolutely." She stood up and moved it a few inches back, a few inches that Tyler knew would be vital in a few minutes when the rapist joined them.

"How's that?"  
"Better, thank you." They whispered, sitting down.  
"That's alright. Now, I know you've had the process explained to you quite a few times by our people and your own team, but do you have any final questions for me before we start?"  
"He, he can't touch us, can he?"  
"No, absolutely not. We have a zero physical contact rule, which does include shaking hands, and if that's breached by either party then that's a breach of the contract you've both signed, and means we can get lawyers involved. So no, he can't touch you, and if he tries to then I'm trained in deescalating and I'll do my absolute best to prevent it, and we have security guards on the premises who can and will restrain him."  
"Okay." Tyler nodded a little, playing with their nail.

"Would you like a stim toy to fiddle with rather than your fingers?"  
"A what?"  
"Like a tangle or a stress ball?"  
"Oh, no, no thank you," they shook their head, not wanting to have any reason for Michael to think of him as weak.

"So you know what happens next?"  
"He comes in."  
"Yeah, I'll page another member of staff who's with him and they'll let him in here with us."  
"Uh huh."  
"And once he's in, the timer begins and every 5 minutes I'll ask you if you'd like to continue or whether you'd like to end the session. If and when you decide to call it, I'll show you back to the lavender room where you're family are and I'll stay with you until the team has confirmed that he's left the premises."  
"If, a-and if, if we're in the middle of a 5 minutes but it's too much?"  
"Then we can stop immediately." She nodded. "I know some people can struggle to verbalise requests such as that, so many opt for a sign or a signal. Would you like to establish one between us?"  
"O-okay,"  
"The usual one I recommend it just tap twice on the arm of your chair and I'll know to take you out."  
"Thank you,"  
"And if you need some assistance to leave, do you feel comfortable with me touching you at all?"  
"Um, yeh, yeh that's okay, just not him."  
"Of course not." She nodded.

"Any other questions?  
"Uh, no, no we don't think so," Tyler said softly. "Do you have any for us?"  
"I've communicated a lot with your team, your mom mostly, so she's helped me understand the situation as much as possible, so thank you for that. I think the main question I have is, and you might not want to answer which is fine, I know that you're an identity system, if someone else fronts, should I take them out and wait for you to come back? Or should we let others be a part of this process?"  
"Um," they thought. "We have little kid alters, two, James and Lilly. I don't want them involved, I want them sheltered."  
"Okay, Lilly and James, and everyone else is okay to stay in here?"  
"Yeh, if they want to come out then they can, but I don't think they will."  
"Okay." Amelia listened closely. Tyler knew she'd probably dealt with lots of other abuse sufferers and they weren't likely to be her first system, but they were still surprised by how accepting she was.

"I think spending a lot of time building up to the introduction can also come hand in hand with a lot of anxiety, so, if you're ready, I think we should call him in. How does that sound?"  
"Okay."  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah." They nodded and she pulled a pager out of her pocket a pressed a few buttons whilst Tyler tried to stay in control of their breathing.

"Done. They'll only be a moment."  
"Right."  
"The worst thing, at least when I mediated with my abuser, was seeing them for the first time." Amelia shared. "The hardest bit is getting started, it gets easier after that Tyler, just do your best to get through the first 5 minutes."

After that, nobody said anything as Tyler's mind raced a million miles a second, yet nothing came to fruition. All the months of planning what he wanted to say suddenly disappeared and turned to mist that only dispersed faster when he tried to grab at it. But the frantic thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door, then another clinic worker entered and stepped to the side to reveal Michael.

Michael took a step closer and Tyler's heart stopped pounding. His face, his hair, is everything was different. The dark locks that once cascaded down his neck had been buzzed off, a gruff shadow framed his sharp jawline, tattoos climbed up his neck and crept behind his ear and onto his left temple. Piercings covered his ears, his lips, his nose, his eyebrow, his cheeks. Even his eyes seemed different shapes, but the piercing blue irises were far too familiar for Tyler to cope with, and before they even realised what they were doing, they'd run out of the room, down the hall, and into the waiting room with gasping hyperventilating breaths.

"Ty, Ty, Tyler calm down, babe, I've got you sweetheart, breathe, just breathe," they smelt the safe scent of their mom pulling them into a hug, holding them against her chest as they panicked. "You're okay Ty, shh, you did so well, you did it baby, you did it so well and Momma's so proud of you, just breathe now angel."  
"He's in there,"  
"I know he is poppet, and you were so brave." She kissed him on the top of the head as he gasped.  
"He's right there!"

"I just need to have a little word with him." Dad stood up from his seat and walked towards the door before Amelia, who must have followed them, stepped in the way.  
"I'm sorry sir, no, it was only agreed for Tyler to meet with Michael today."  
"Look at what he's done to my kid! I'm gonna give that asshole a piece-"  
"Dad," Tyler interrupted him in tears, and he turned to face them. Somehow they managed to peel themselves off their mother's chest and transfer to their dad's embrace instead.

"Alright, alright," he hummed slowly as he hugged them. "He's not worth your tears Ty, don't give him the satisfaction, he's not worth it. He's a coward and you're a fighter."  
"He, he, he's gonna think I'm pathetic Dad."  
"Wolves don't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep." Dad held them tight. "It doesn't matter what he thinks, because the people who really matter in your life, who really care about you, know that you're anything but pathetic. You're strong Ty, so much stronger than you give yourself credit for."  
"Your dad's right sweetheart, just think how much strength it took for you to come here today, let alone go in that room." Mom agreed as Tyler whimpered and tried to get the blue eyes out of their head.

"We wanna go back."  
"No." Jenna spoke up.  
"I want to go back in." Tyler gulped, standing up straight as Dad still rubbed their back a little.  
"We can do that when you're ready Tyler." Amelia nodded.  
"No." Jenna protested again, so Tyler looked over at her and saw she was crying too.

"Please, baby, you don't have to do this." She choked, walking over and stroking their cheeks protectively. "You proved that you can, you don't have to prove it again. Nobody's going to think you're weak for walking away."  
"We didn't even say anything to him."  
"That's o-okay, you don't have to."  
"We want to."  
"You do?" She cried, still stroking.  
"We need to."  
"Ty you don't need to."  
"Please." They borderline begged. "Please, please support us."

"Sweetheart, we do support you." Mom intervened.  
"We need Jenna to."  
"You can't force her to believe something she doesn't. She wants what's best for you Ty, and she believes that this won't be, but that doesn't mean she doesn't support you."  
"If, if, if this is what you want baby, of course i-i support y-you." Jenna said shakily.  
"Really?"  
"Yes." She nodded tearfully then kissed her lips to their forehead and held it for a second. "But you can always change your mind and come back out, okay?"  
"Okay."

"Tyler, try and use some of the coping skills that we've practiced and perfected over the years." Louise spoke up from her chair. "Grounding techniques, breathing exercises."  
"Yeh," they sighed, wiping their face.

  
"Tyler, should we go back in?" Amelia suggested and they wiped their face again, looked at Jenna crying, gulped, then nodded. "Alright, and the 5 minute intervals still stand, as does the get out signal, so you only have to stay for as long as you can manage."  
"Okay."  
"We all love you Tyler," Mom said as Amelia opened the door to the corridor, and they smiled appreciatively then shakily walked back through it.

"Should I go through first? Or would you like to?" The pretty brunette asked as they came to the second door.  
"You," they whispered, and she did.

"Is Ty coming back?" Michael said from within and for a moment his familiar husky voice paralysed Tyler in the corridor, but they reminded themselves how badly they wanted to do this and how important it was to feel the fear but do it anyway. So with a gulp, they stepped back into Michael's line of vision.  
"Yeah." They managed to murmur, as they cautiously edged back to their chair and sat down again.

Michael had taken off his jacket whilst they'd been freaking out, and Tyler took a moment to glance at the tattoos that covered every single inch of his skin. It made a huge change from the pretty boy look he had in high school, but Tyler knew that exteriors couldn't change who the person was inside.

"So, Michael, Tyler, thank you for both agreeing to be here today, I know it's important to both of you and I'm pleased to be able to help facilitate a conversation that's healthy and progressive." Amelia started. "It's not my job to tell you what to say, and it's not my job to raise questions, all I'll simply do is maintain order and make sure both parties have the opportunity to speak if they wish whilst also ensuring that all conversation is appropriate and most importantly, safe. This is a safe environment and a place for listening and learning as well as sharing. Please respect one another when you're talking, but other than that, feel free to begin the dialogue when you wish."

Words wouldn't form in Tyler's mouth no matter how hard they attempted, so after a moment they gave up and resided to testing their limits of how much they could look at the man opposite. It started with his feet, dark brown boots tied with yellow laces, then Tyler managed to move up to his shins, seeing even more tattoos through the intentional rips of his jeans.

"Tyler." Michael said and they looked up out of habit but instantly regretted it, getting one flash of blue and having to turn their head to the side and stare at the wall to stop themselves from running. "I'm uh, it's good to see you again, I'm glad you asked to do this, it's been too long. You look great, finally filled out a bit."  
"Michael, let's try and keep comments about Tyler's body to a minimum." Amelia thankfully intervened but couldn't stop the tears swelling in their eyes.  
"Oh, right, okay, sorry Ty." Michael said. "Anyway, it's good to see you, but it's unfortunate that we had to go through such formalities-"  
"It's not unfortunate, it's necessary." Tyler managed to say bitterly without looking.  
"I just mean, you know, you could have Facebook messaged me or something, we could have gone for coffee and talked."  
"I don't want to drink fucking coffee with you, okay?!" They spat, finding bravery in anger and looking at him dead in the eye.

"Tyler, no cussing please." Amelia censured Tyler that time, not that they cared.

"This is about what happened in junior year."  
"I was a sophomore Michael, a sophomore."  
"Alright, sure, I meant it was my junior, your sophomore, year of high school." He supposed with a casual gesture of his hand, as if it meant nothing to him that Tyler was just a child. "Look, I'm sorry about all of that, okay?"

Tyler scoffed involuntarily as hot tears escaped down their cheeks and they shook their head both in shock and offence. The words had rolled off Michael's tongue so easily, as if they meant nothing, as if he felt no guilt and knew no wrong in his actions.

"Michael, could you perhaps expand on your apology? Explain what you're apologising for and why?" Amelia suggested.  
"In high school, I used to hit him." He told her. "I had some stuff going on, hurt my knee, needed surgery, was struggling with it and took that out on him."  
"Don't talk to me please Michael, talk to Tyler."  
"I took it out on you, I shouldn't have, and for that I'm sorry."  
"For that? You're sorry for that?!" Tyler couldn't quite believe what they were hearing. "And the rape?"  
"The rape?"  
"Yes, the fucking rape, the time that I tried to break up with you after you punched me in the jaw, knocking me unconscious, and you refused. Not only did you refuse to let me break up with you, you also refused to let me leave your bedroom, you pinned me face down on your bed, you cut my belt with your penknife, and you threw my underwear on the floor then raped me Michael." Tyler spat with furious tears streaming down their cheeks. "And don't deny it, don't you dare do that to me. You know what you did, you know, I know you know."  
"I know." He said to his lap.

"I didn't speak for 3 weeks, I couldn't be in the same room as my own fucking father for 13 weeks, I haven't, I haven't slept through the night in 7 years Michael." Tyler hissed as they tapped into the flow. "I can't drive a car, I can't be in a room in the dark, my girlfriend had to be trained to be a carer who gives me medication four times a day and I can only work for four hours a day without breaking down."

"I have a flashback every single time I see sunflowers because those were in the background of the picture that you had taped to your wall and forced me to look at whilst you raped me. I have a flashback every single time I see a checkered pillow because you shoved my head against your checkered pillow and held me there whilst you raped me. And my heart stops in my chest every single fucking time I see someone with bright blue eyes because I am so utterly convinced they are about to rape me, and that's all because of you."

"I'm sorry."  
"Not good enough. I tried to kill myself 3 times and that's all you say? Not good enough."  
"I am sorry, I didn't mean-"  
"Not good enough."  
"It was never my intention-"  
"Not good enough Michael. I don't care what your damn intentions were, I care that you had sex with me without my consent then went to Denny's and had breakfast with your brother like it didn't mean shit to you." Tyler cried but Michael didn't say anything.

"My mom, every single day at 8.45am, she texts me a question mark and a kiss. Every single day she does that, and every single day I text back two kisses. If I don't do it by 9am, she calls, and if I don't answer, she calls my girlfriend, and if she doesn't answer, she calls the police. You know why she does that? You know? She's asking me if I survived the night, and if I didn't, she sends the police to deal with my body because she's too scared to come and check on me herself in case she sees her child dead." Tyler wiped the tears angrily. "You didn't just end my life, you ruined hers and you've ruined everyone else's who are close to me. You've scared them so deeply that everyday they're afraid of the phone ringing in case it's bad news. My family don't trust me to stay alive one day to the next, and I don't blame them because every fucking day I think about dying and everyday I have to remind myself that you don't have the right to do that to me. But you know what, you hurt your knee, you were struggling with it, so that's okay."

"I'm sorry Tyler."  
"Not good enough."  
"Tyler, maybe you can help Michael to understand what he needs to say or do in order to offer you some peace or closure?" Amelia stepped in at long last.  
"So I have to spoon feed you the solution to the problem that you caused by raping me? Yep that seems about right." Tyler spoke in a confidence that was both entirely fake and completely natural, fuelled by revenge. "And that reminds me of a story actually Michael. On my seventeenth birthday, I was living in my closet, and my mother had to spoon feed me apple sauce because I was too scared to open my mouth properly because it reminded me of how I screamed when you threw me on your bed."

"I'll attend more counselling sessions if you need-"  
"Not good enough."  
"I'll make a contribution towards your medical bills, I don't have much b-"  
"Not good enough."  
"I'll," Michael paused momentary to breathe. "Tomorrow morning, I'll go down to the police station and I'll confess, and then when it comes to trial I'll plead guilty."  
"The station is open 24 hours, don't wait." They said, standing up and walking out.

 

 

 

Josh knew his time at home was running out because Debby was checking her watch more and more frequently, but he felt no rush and no urge to wrap things up anytime soon. After the emotional start to his leave, he was enjoying doing exactly nothing. Except he wasn't just doing nothing, he was doing nothing with Debby.

They were laid on the L shaped couch together, cuddled closely, and the best of Frank Sinatra record on the vinyl player next to the bookshelf had stopped playing close to an hour ago but neither of them wanted to move to restart in, neither of them wanted to leave each other even for a second.

Fragile seemed like a good way to describe not only his position, but the theme of the day. He felt delicate himself, he knew Jordan was incredibly weak, and he'd recently learnt that Tyler was confronting Michael that same morning and, even though they were anything but weak, he knew it was likely that the experience would take its toll.

Debby had received a very basic text from Jenna saying that Ty wanted to come back to the apartment and they'd be there in about 20 minutes, and that was received half an hour ago. He wasn't overly surprised that they were taking a long time, Tyler hated the walk through the alley from the parking lot to the apartment enough normally, let alone today. However thinking rationally wasn't calming down the anxious thoughts that swirled round his exhausted imagination and threw up a plethora of horrible potential realities.

Even though they were expecting it, both Debby and Josh jumped a little when the front door to their apartment opened. They didn't say anything, just watched as Jenna walked in first then held it open for Tyler before closing it softly again. Josh noticed both of them had red watery eyes but he didn't say anything, silent as both of them took their jackets off and hung them on the pegs then shuffled over to the couch.

Debby stood up and embraced Jenna whilst Tyler climbed up onto the cushion next to Josh then curled up against him, resting their head against his chest then bursting into tears. No words came to Josh, but he supposed that no words could ever truly capture what he wanted to say and what Tyler needed to hear. Instead he hugged Tyler closed then pressed his lips to their head and held them there.


	24. Chapter 24

In many ways, Jenna loved possessing the skill to sleep in in the morning. Many people struggle to sleep once the sun rises, Tyler included, but Jenna had always been good at it. In many ways it was a blessing, in many more it was a curse. When she opened her eyes that morning and found herself alone in the bed, she sat bolt upright, panicking. It took a good few seconds to notice the dancing sunlight seeping through the curtains and rationalise with herself that of course it was okay for Tyler to get up before her, of course it was okay. But that didn't stop her from quickly grabbing their hoodie and throwing it on top of her pyjamas then rushing out of the bedroom.

"Tyler? Ty?"  
"James is down there," Debby gestured with her head whilst holding a mug of tea in both hands, leaning against the kitchen island. Jenna nodded appreciatively but hurriedly then dashed around the open plan space before seeing the system laying on the carpet next to the couch with cars balanced all over their body, one in each hand that they rolled along their chest slowly.

"James?" Jenna called softly, lowering herself down onto the soft ground beside them and hugging her knees.  
"Jenna!" They squealed excitedly, sitting up, forgetting about the dozen toy cars then giggling when they all fell to the ground around them. "My cars!"  
"Oh no, they fell didn't they?" She smiled too and picked up the purple one that had landed right next to her.  
"They fell!"  
"Yeah they did poppet."

"Jenna,"  
"Yes James?"  
"Jenna, Jenna Debby got me my cars!"  
"That was very nice of her, did you say a big thank you?"  
"Yesssssss," they hissed with a proud toothy grin.  
"Good boy. And hey, I've been awake almost 2 whole minutes and I haven't had my good morning hug yet!" She complained and James lunged at her like the slightly uncoordinated child they were, planting their face in her collar bone but still managing to throw their arms over her shoulders. Jenna laughed then helped them to get a bit more comfy, then squeezed.

"And how are you today James?" Jenna asked once the young alter decided they'd had enough and squirmed away then started playing with two red cars.  
"Good."  
"Oh I'm glad sweetheart, and Ty? How's Ty today?"  
"TyTy tired." James hummed whilst rolling the wheels over the bumpy carpet.  
"He's tired? But he's okay?"  
"TyTy tired, Drewy tired, everybody tired!"  
"Oh no! But James can be the boss today whilst everybody else is having a nap."  
"I tired too!"  
"Well we can go back to bed if you want, watch Cars 2 on the iPad?"  
"Jenna, I tired, so I playing the sleepy car game. I play sleepy car, and Debby play drinky tea."  
"And I'm winning!" Debby called from the kitchen and James giggled, causing Jenna to smile again.

"I play now."  
"Oh right, okay, how do you play sleepy car?"  
"You can't! Just me!" James complained in a whiny but sad voice.  
"Okay okay poppet, just you, I'll play drinky tea with Debby, but how does James play sleepy car?"  
"Only James."  
"Yeah that's right, only you."  
"Me. Not you."  
"Not me." Jenna nodded agreeing.  
"Me."  
"You."  
"Not Jenna."  
"Not Jenna."

"I play like this." James finally moved on, laying down on the carpet again then squirming as they tried to pull a car out from under their shoulder blade.  
"Right, and you put the cars on top of you?"  
"Yeah! Sleepy cars."  
"Oh that sounds like fun, can I help put them on you?"  
"No! James play! Not Jenna!"  
"Okay okay sweetheart, well should I go and play with Debby then?"  
"Yeh."  
"Alright, have fun then darling."  
"Bye."  
"Bye." She smiled, kissing them on the forehead quickly then standing up and walking round and back to the kitchen where Debby was still sipping from her mug.

"Thank you so much for looking after them."  
"Oh that's okay, we had fun. Lilly woke up first so we played princesses and then James came along and we went down and collected the mail together and stroked a cat that was just outside the building, and then they've been playing up here for a little while."  
"Meds?"  
"Done."  
"Thank you, you're a star. I owe you." Jenna smiled.  
"Always a pleasure."

"Oh and you got a handwritten letter by the way, your pile's just there." She remembered, pointing.  
"That's weird, wasn't expecting anything." Jenna walked around and saw her magazine, a bank statement and a while envelope with a first class stamp and handwriting that she vaguely recognised but couldn't put her finger on.

"I'll read that later. Anyway, how are you this morning?"  
"I'm okay," Debby replied.  
"Sure?"  
"Yeh I think so, just missing J a lot. Weird knowing he was here yesterday and not knowing when he'll be back again."  
"Did Dr Cooper say whether leave is something that they do more regularly when someone's getting close to discharge, or was it just exceptional circumstances?"  
"No it is a part of the gradual reintegration back home, we're just not quite at that point yet. He's doing well and everything but just because the symptoms are getting better, doesn't mean the root of the problem has gone away yet."  
"Yeh, I mean there's no rush to bring him home if he's just going to get sick again immediately and need to get admitted again. Best to do it once and do it well."  
"Exactly."

"I know that doesn't make it any easier though Debby," Jenna said and she smiled sadly. "You don't have to be brave all the time."  
"Just wish he was here."  
"I know you do babe," she sighed, walking round and wrapping her in a hug. "But everyday is just another day closer to him coming home."

 

 

Despite being the newest patient at St Mary's and earning the nickname Newbie off a few of the self-declared lifers, Josh was quietly proud of how many friends he had been able to make. There was a certain camaraderie amongst those who were admittedly unwell but determined to get better, and once he was on the inside the circle he was infected with the sense of drive they all had to leave. In some cases it bordered desperation, and even Josh could tell that some people's expectations were far too high, but he appreciated the company and the motivation.

After breakfast, about half the group were directed towards the arts and crafts room for art therapy, Josh included. There was a spare seat at the table that was intended for Doug, but he wasn't particularly surprised that his neighbour hadn't turned up to the session, he never did. So instead he sat with 3 women, another guy and a male art therapist.

The task everyone had been assigned was making a poster by writing an emotion and then creating a spider web of associations around it. However Josh was quick to realise and feel embarrassed over the fact that he couldn't join in due to his dyslexia, but the therapist, Will, was quick to come up with an alternative. Instead Josh was provided with a pack of bandaids to decorate with felt tipped pens, the idea being that if he ever had self harm urges then he could cover the skin he wanted to cut with the pretty bandaid as a positive barrier and reminder to stay clean.

He wasn't totally convinced by the idea, but overnight he had decided to start trusting the staff more and embracing what they said more, because either that would help him get better so he could go home, or it would make the staff like him for being compliant and that would help him go home too. The full plan wasn't completely fleshed out just yet, but the skeleton was decided on. Get home as soon as possible without giving them any reason to drag him back.

"And are there any colours you strongly associate with Debby?" Will helped him to come up with another design whilst the other people in the group talked amongst themselves.  
"Uhh, blue I guess? Like a really light blue which is still bold. She has a uh, a dress, it's blue, she looks great in it, and we went on quite a few dates and that was her outfit of choice on some of my favourites."  
"Okay, so maybe try incorporating that, and has she got anything that she doodles a lot? For example my go to is a treble clef."  
"I always do 3D cubes." Lucy offered up her own example, but before Josh could say spirals, the door opened and Dr Cooper stepped inside.

"Hello all," he raised his hand casually.  
"Hi,"  
"Hey,"  
"Hi," some of them greeted him but not all.  
"Oh are we missing someone?"  
"Doug." Will told him.  
"Surprise surprise." Mark, a patient, murmured under his breath whilst continuing to draw on his sheet of paper.  
"Alright, I'll have a word with him in his meeting tomorrow. How are the rest of you getting on? Josh, did Will find you a good alternative?"  
"Yeah thanks. Actually can I speak to you please Dr Cooper?"  
"We've got CBT together this afternoon, can it wait?"  
"Please."  
"I've got a home visit to go to in about 10 minutes, is it quick?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Alright come on then, let's quickly go to my office," he gestured out the door with his head and Josh rushed towards him, not wanting to waste any of his limited time slot. Thankfully the therapy rooms and offices weren't far from arts and crafts so he didn't have to worry about walking too far, and quickly followed the suited man to the familiar office.

"What can I help you with?"  
"Um, well I've been thinking about things, about my visit yesterday."  
"To see Jordan?" He asked, sitting down.  
"Yeh,"  
"Okay well we're going to talk in depth about that during our session later."  
"Yeh I know, but, but I think you got the wrong person."  
"Wrong person? What do you mean?"  
"Jordan, you think he's why I'm anxious."  
"Do you remember what we were saying about a big stressful event causing repercussions for someone's mental health?"  
"I know I know, and maybe, probably, it was hearing about him that pushed me over the edge, but he's not the reason I got sick in the first place."  
"Right," Dr Cooper listened closely.

"Yesterday, it was good, it was necessary, I had to clear my conscious and I had to see him and I really appreciate you arranging that, but that was for my heart not my head."  
"So what are you trying to say Josh?"  
"My head, my mental health, the idea with Jordan was to make something click with my mental health right?"  
"Ideally."  
"What I'm saying is that the person I have all these anxious thoughts about, all this negativity and depression associated with is my mother."  
"Your mother?"  
"Yeah. And she hates me, so it won't be easy, but I was thinking that maybe it would be beneficial for my head if I did see her and I did speak to her and finally confront her."

"Josh, do you remember what happened last time you saw each other?"  
"Yes,"  
"What was that?"  
"She slapped me."  
"Exactly. Now my job is to work out what risks are worth taking, and what's not going to be beneficial for you in the long r-"  
"You won't let me."  
"I'm just saying, maybe you're rushing into this, maybe it's too soon after seeing Jordan and we need to wait until our session later to fully process what's happened before we start racing to the next challenge."  
"Why won't you let me do this?"  
"I'm not saying I won't eventually, I just think that it's going to be better for you if you're in a more stable place before-"  
"Why won't you let me get better!"  
"Josh."  
"I have a girlfriend and roommates who need me! I need to go home! I need to go home! Why, why won't you let me get better and let me go home!" Josh started to cry.  
"Take a deep breath."

"They need me!"  
"You need to get better first Josh."  
"WHY WONT YOU LET ME!" He screeched with tears dripping off his jaw.  
"I am letting you, I'm trying to help y-"  
"YOU NEED TO LET ME GO HOME!"  
"I will one day, but we still have a couple more things to work on-"  
"I WANT TO GO HOME!"  
"And one of those things is listening to other people and contemplating and understanding that they might know what's best for you."

"THEY NEED ME! TYLER NEEDS ME!"  
"Well don't you want to be on your top form for him?"  
"THEM! THEY'RE A THEM!" Josh cried out. "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS EXCEPT ME! THEY NEED ME!"  
"Josh, you need to take a deep breath and listen to me, okay? I can't let you leave, you're not safe right now, you're not behaving rationally and therefore I can't discharge you. So no matter how much they might need you, I can't change my stance until I see some serious improvements in your behaviours and state of mind. Now-"  
"B-"  
"Now, Josh listen, now what I can do is find you a nurse to sit by your side in the phone room and give you your money so you can call home and see if Tyler's available for a quick chat. Would you like that?"

 

  
"Hello?" Jenna answered the landline, not used to hearing it ring. The previous owners had installed it before they had moved in but she had used it maybe twice in all the years they had lived there, and wasn't even sure what the number was. But regardless, she climbed up onto the kitchen counter and waited for a reply.

"Ty?"  
"No it's Jenna, who am I speaking with please?"  
"Josh, it's Josh, can you get Ty please?" She heard Josh sniff, and remembered that Debby said there were payphones at St Mary's.  
"Hey sweetheart, it's good to hear from you. They're just taking a nap right now, can I help at all or are you just after a chat? Because I can do that too."  
"Wake them."  
"J I'm not-"  
"I said wake them."  
"I know what you said darling, and I'm saying I can't do that, you know how badly they sleep and it's been a difficult few days so I'm thankful for any rest they get. I'm not gonna disturb them. But if you really want to talk then we can schedule a time later or tomorrow if you'd like?"

"Put Debby on." Josh ignored the question, and Jenna was disappointed because she could hear the hostile undertone in his voice and it reminded her how sick he truly was.

"She's at work right now, checking in on the boys and doing some accounting."  
"I want to speak to her now."  
"Well I'm not quite sure what you want me to do darling cause she's not here." She said softly but Josh didn't seem to care. "Do you want to try the shop landline? I can get the number for you."  
"No. I want to speak to Tyler, and Debby would wake them up for me."  
"She wouldn't, she knows they need sleep."  
"But she actually gives a damn about me, unlike you. She'd know that I need this," Josh said angrily.  
"Josh I do care about you, I care a lot, and I'm sorry I can't do what you're asking of me but it's not because I don't care, it's because I can't."

"I know that you love Tyler, wouldn't you want what's best for them?" Jenna asked a moment later when Josh hadn't replied.  
"What about me? Huh! What about me! What about what's best for me!"  
"I want you both to be safe and both to get better, it doesn't have to be one or the other."  
"I just want to speak to Tyler!"  
"Tyler's not been out today Josh, we've only had littleones."  
"He can overthrow them!"  
"Josh, yesterday was a really difficult day, I don't think Ty's ready to come out and front just yet. So I know you're upset because you want to speak to your best friend, but it's out of our hands-" Jenna was about to carry on and offer herself as someone to talk to, but the line went dead and she knew he'd hung up on her.

She sighed and put the phone back on its base, then hopped off the counter and flicked the kettle to make herself a cup of tea. It was difficult to say no to one of her best friends who was severely unwell, but she knew in her heart that it wouldn't do the system any favours to be expected to look after someone else after all the turmoil of late. At the end of the day, it broke her heart, but she had to put Tyler first.

Jenna was worried about Josh, of course she was, she'd taken a leave of absence from university to stay home and look after him. She cared incredibly deeply for him and would love to do everything he asked, however she could tell he was in the verge of aggression and knew without a shadow of doubt that Tyler wouldn't be able to cope with even the slightest showing of that. So wth a heavy heart, she had to admit to herself that she'd done the right thing.

After pouring the boiling water over a teabag, adding a splash of milk, a quick stir, then a very practiced extraction of the bag, she wandered over to the table and sat down to take a sip, burn her tongue, then leave it till it went cold and start all over again several hours later. Tyler always used to moan at her for the number of wasted mugs she left scattered all over the place, but she longed to have such a simple, normal, conversation again.

Whilst blowing it for a few seconds, she noticed the letter that Debby had told her about earlier, and reached forward so she could hold the envelope in her hand and have another go at trying to remember the handwriting. But after a couple of seconds she decided that there was an easy way to find out, and flipped it over then slipped her nail under the clue and pulled out 2 handwritten a4 pages.

 _Dear Jenna,_  
_By the time this finds you, if all goes to plan, I will have stepped down and Tyler would have had his meeting with Michael. As you know, I do not support his decision to sit down with M, however that does not mean I wish him any ills. I hope it went well, I hope he said what he needed to say, and I hope he's able to cope with the aftermath. I also hope that the experience isn't too traumatic for yourself either, and remember that you don't always have to put our needs above your own. If you're struggling to deal with either our system or your own anxieties, speak up._

_I'm writing this letter to say thank you. When everyone else ran away scared, called the police on me or tied me down, you listened. When nobody else would, you listened to me, and I love you for it. The role I play in this system is a lonely one, and you're the first person to ever show me even the slightest inkling of kindness, and for that I'm forever indebted to you. When I was most scared, you were there for me. Thank you._

_Being me, whatever I am, a wretch, a demon, a devil, it's isolating. The system bundles me into the same category as the alter Michael and brand us both evil, and assume we must be comrades, when in reality nothing is farther from the truth. I despise every crumb of his being, and prefer being alone to holding company with him, however that doesn't mean I find peace in silence. Silence can be deafening, it can seep through your skin no matter how thick you think it is and it can invade your soul. Being left to stew in nothing but silence can make a man very unhappy, but also very appreciative if they should be so lucky as to receive even a moment of love. And after 6 years of exile, I reached a personal low, and I'd like to thank you for injecting a little hope into this lonely life._

_Vulnerability is not a trait that will aid my methods, so the second reason I am writing to you is to ask for confidentiality. I have opened my heart to you, and I ask that you please keep it only for yourself. Tyler, Debby, Kelly, Josh, Dr Andrews or any other healthcare professional or member of the system's support network should continue to think of me as threat. Therefore, God forbid, if any situation were to occur in the future that would require intervention from an intimidating alter, I need to be able to perform my job effectively. If word were to spread that my threats are a front then I will simply cease to serve a purpose, and I hope you understand how this will render my life intolerable._

_I know you have compassion in your heart, after all, you somehow found grace for a man you believed to be an attempted murder without cause. So please, Jenna, search within you and find that small flicker of positivity that may have formed in our association, and hold it dear whilst you keep our secret from those you love. I know I ask a lot of you and I hope it's not a burden that causes you too much grief, but I must impress upon you the importance of keeping this under wraps._

_You are a good person. I'd like you to know that Tyler has been trying to think of a way to propose for the last 8 months but can never settle on an idea because he always thinks you deserve better. Every member of the system is supportive of his decision. Lilly wants to be a flower girl and, despite Johnny's valiant efforts, is struggling to understand how logistically that would be difficult. However you are the only person they want to work alongside to iron out the wrinkles, so please, if Tyler invites you to Paris, say yes._

_Thank you for everything you do for us. Thank you for everything you do for me. Whilst I may just be a voice in a crowd to you, you are the light of my life. Even if you don't remember me, I'll always remember the kindness you treated me with and treasure it close to my heart. Thank you. Thank you for listening to me and being there when nobody else was. You may not see me again any time soon, if even at all, but know I am rooting for Tyler and I'm rooting for you._

_Please burn this letter so nobody finds out about my facade._  
_All my love,_  
_Blurryface_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some news to share with you all  
> I'm delighted to announce that I've won a scholarship that's enabling me to fulfil a life long dream of mine of attending boarding school. I'll be moving into my new home this weekend and I'm very nervous but very excited and can't wait to discover what opportunities lay ahead of me.  
> The only downside to this achievement is that I may not be able to post. Now please don't take this as a definite, it's more of a worst case scenario. I'm not familiar with the timetable yet and I may not always have much time for regular writing. Also the school is in the English countryside so there is no data, and the school wifi has blockers on it. If, for some reason, AO3 is blocked then I will not be able to post whilst I'm away. However this will not stop me from writing, and means when I come home for half terms you will suddenly be hit with about 20 updates! Again, worst case scenario, there's a chance that I'll be posting like normal, I just wanted to let you know so nobody is concerned if I suddenly stop posting.  
> All my love x


	25. Chapter 25

"Jeeennnnaa,"  
"Yeeeesssss," she peaked over the top of her magazine and smiled at James, playing on the floor surrounded by their favourite toy cars. Every car was their favourite.   
"Jeeennnaaa,"  
"Whatcha after, cheeky monkey?"  
"Jennaaa, I want, I, I, want,"  
"Lucky Charms? There's some in the kitchen baby."  
"No! I don't like them!"  
"You don't like the pink heart marshmallows, I know, but we can fish them out darling, no worries."  
"No!"  
"So what do you want then James? You have to tell me babe, I can't guess."

"I, I, I," the young alter stammered. "I wanna see Zacky!"  
"Remember what we said? Zacky's coming up tomorrow, then you can see him. He's gonna have a sleepover with you."  
"I wanna see Zacky!"  
"Tomorrow darling, he's staying with Tatum for one more day then flying out to see us tomorrow. But we can call him if you'd li-"  
"YEAH!!" They literally leapt up in joy and grabbed their T-shirt gleefully, having to suppress the urge to squeal as Jenna smiled.

"Alright, you gonna grab my phone for me?"  
"Yesss," James giggled proudly then ran away from her and towards the other room, the other room where Jenna's phone was plugged to the wall with the skinny white snake that made her phone have energy.

They managed to pull it out and were about to run back as fast as a ninja, but instead out of the corner of their eye they noticed their reflection in the mirror and stopped like a freezeray and simply stared.

James didn't have straight brown hair, James had curly black hair. James didn't have brown eyes, James had blue eyes. James didn't have stubble on his chin or an Adam's Apple in his throat or thick stupid eyebrows that towered over his face. Whoever was in the mirror was a stranger, a scary stranger, and James couldn't help but burst into tears.

"James! James I'm coming poppet!" Jenna called from the next room, and she enough she was with them within seconds.

"Breathe, you don't need to cry littleone, just talk to JenJen. What's going on? Why are you upset?"  
"I, I, I," they gulped through thick hot tears.   
"Breathe darling, you're okay," Jenna hummed, reaching across and stroking their hair calmingly. "Hugs?"  
"Y-yeah,"  
"Shhhh, you're okay, you're okay,"

"The, the, the, the man was scary," James wept into her shoulder as she held them.   
"The man? Michael?"  
"Michael! No no no no no no, make him leave, MAKE HIM LEAVE!"  
"Hey hey hey, you're safe poppet, I promise you're safe, he's not here."  
"Make him leave!"  
"James, he's not here, I promise."  
"Not him! Him!" James pointed their finger.   
"Who?"  
"The the, he, in the mirror! The scary man in the mirror!"   
"James, James look at me," Jenna insisted stroking their hair over and over again.

"I don't like it." They sobbed as Jenna helped their head off her shoulder.   
"See that man? That's just Tyler, okay? It's Tyler, and if you wave at Tyler, he'll wave back. Can you try that for me? Say hello to Tyler in the mirror?"  
"He-hello," James hiccuped whilst waving, and Tyler waved back, but that didn't stop them from crying.

"See? It's just Ty, and we like Ty, don't we?"  
"W-wh-what about me?"  
"We like you too honey! We love you." She kissed their head. "I love you James."  
"I, but, I, I don't, that's not me! I don't look that way."  
"It's Tyler darling."  
"I not Tyler!"  
"I know I know, but the mirror shows the host, that's all. When I look at you, I don't see Tyler, I see James."  
"Me."  
"Yeah, you."  
  
"What about James? How I am looking!"  
"I don't understand James, I see you, I see how you are looking."   
"I want to be seeing!"  
"Okay." She hummed.   
"I want to be seeing James Jenna!" They begged the way a stroppy child would.

"Okay cupcake, okay, I'm listening. How about this for an idea? How about we go into Debby's room and we ask if maybe she can get out her paper and her pencils and she can draw you? You might need to help her-"  
"Togever,"  
"Yeah, we'll help her together so she knows what you look like, and we'll see if she'll draw a portrait of you so you know how you look. Does that sound okay?"  
"Debby do photo!"  
"A drawing, but yeah, she's very good, it will be like a photo."  
"Debby do photo Debby do photo!" They started jumping up and down, excited at the suggestion.   
"Come on then poppet, should we go see if she's awake?" She held out her hand and they grinned and took it happily.

 

 

  
Josh had a new place to sit, tried of the lavender blanket on his bed and tired of the regular striped linoleum floor and tired of the, well, everything. At least the window sill gave him a view out into the real world where he so desperately longed to be, so deeply believed he deserved to be.

He'd been on his best behaviour, done everything asked of him, reached every single target for food intake and sleeping hours and therapy sessions, and yet the magical 'discharge' word seemed to be so unobtainable. What else could he do? What more could he give?

It was demoralising to say the least, because at the end of the day he would still be trapped there whether he tried or not. In that moment he questioned why exactly he should put any effort in when it got him nowhere and it was so much easier to give up.

Just as he was about to climb off the little ledge and mope around somewhere new, he saw a vehicle pull up onto the drive, heading towards the parking lot round the back of the beautiful building. At first he watched out of boredom, desperate for stimulation, but suddenly his heart did a back flip because he recognised the Rolls Royce Phantom that his father's driver escorted him around in.

A small squeak of delight and excitement escaped his lips as he leapt up joyfully and sprinted down the echoing corridor, not slowing down even when he almost crashed straight into a nurse walking round the corner. She called after him some distant warning but he was too happy to care as he raced through the unit towards the area where visitors were reunited with patients.

"Where is he where is he?" Josh asked excitedly, literally hopping from one foot to the other with hyper energy.   
"Hey Josh, who are you after today?" One of the nurses, Lada, asked.   
"My father, is he in here yet??"  
"Your dad hey? I haven't seen him. Let me just check the book to see when he's supposed to arrive." She picked up a thick red A4 notebook and scanned it with a slight frown, not even remotely dampening his buzz.

"Is his name Joel?"  
"No, Bill."  
"He's not recorded for a visit today, all I've got is that somebody named Joel Lodge called to enquire about how to visit, I'll just check with your team though, who's your head of care?"  
"Coops."  
"Adrian Cooper?" She asked with a smile whilst he nodded and she picked up a phone from the wall bracket and dialled an internal code, holding the receiver as he bounced excitedly.

"Hi Adrian it's Lada, yeh, no not really, it's just that I've got Josh with me here and he's expecting his dad to arrive soon?"  
"I saw him I saw him!" Josh said.   
"He says he's saw him." Lada told the therapist. "Josh, where did you see him?"  
"His car, it pulled up out front, I saw it."  
"Out the window round the front. Hmm. Right, yeah, right okay, want me to keep him here? Will do, no worries, see you in a minute." She put the phone back on the hook and turned back to him with a smile.

"Can I wait outside? Please please please?" He asked hopefully.   
"Just wait with me a second Josh, Dr Cooper is gonna come and meet us here."   
"Is he gonna spend a long time talking to Father? I don't want it to cut into our time together, I've got lots I wanna talk about."  
"Like what?" She said softly, sitting on the arm of one of the chairs and tucking her hair behind her ear.   
"Liiiike, hmm, I dunno actually!"  
"Oh okay," the nurse laughed a little and Josh laughed a lot.

"So where were you snooping that you could see the parking lot? Doesn't the male wing overlook the gardens?"  
"Yeh it is, well kinda, my window actually just looks over towards the orchard area thing, at least I think it's an orchard, it's got loads of trees, but I haven't explored round that side yet, I've only done the other side and the statues and the ponds and yeah!" He rambled excitedly, knowing his father would burst through the door at any moment. "But I was sat on that little window seat thingy at the end of the hall where all the girls sleep, sort of near Lucy's room?"

"Josh?" The door opened and he had to admit he was deeply disappointed to see Dr Cooper rather than Father.   
"Hello,"  
"Hey bud, you gonna come have a little chat with me?"  
"Later. Father's here."  
"He's here now is he?"  
"Outside."  
"Outside?" He repeated quizzically.   
"Yeah, the driver's probably just parking up now."  
"Are you sure it's definitely him?"  
"No offence or anything, but like, I doubt anyone else here could afford a phantom."

"Should we go outside and look for him then?" Dr Cooper suggested and another strange squeal-like sound escaped his lips as he nodded excitedly.   
"Need me to come?" Lada offered.   
"I think we'll be okay, just keep an eye on your pager just in case?"  
"Okay."  
"Alright Josh, follow me." Dr Cooper lead the way out of the reunion room and down a few steps towards the exit.

"I think, I think he must have known I was upset by Jordan and everything with Tyler, he must be checking up on me, like a surprise!" Josh couldn't help but share his racing thoughts. "He's so thoughtful these days! He never used to be! Me leaving must have been such a big change that he just reevaluated his personality, became a better person!"  
"Maybe he did." Dr Cooper smiled as they reached the final outer door and he swiped his identity card then sheltered the keypad whilst punching some digits that Josh wasn't allowed to see.

"The parking lot is-"  
"Round here! I know!" Josh called back as he already started jogging round the building, gravel crunching under his excited feet.

Even in spite of the fact that he hadn't been able to train in a while, he could still run fast and he still made it round to where he had watched from the window in just a few seconds, grin up to his ears. It didn't falter as he looked around, to the left, to the right, to the left again. Hmm, Father must have moved the car.

"Adrian?"  
"Yeah?" Dr Cooper caught up with him, hands in his suit pockets.   
"Is there another parking lot? Because, b-because my father loves his car, and the people here might be jealous, might try and steal it, so he might have gone in the other parking lot for privacy?? Can we go there please?"  
"There's no other parking lot Josh, this is it."  
"Oh." He was confused momentarily but tried his best to think logically and work out the solution for himself.

"Josh?"  
"Father?! FAAATHERRR!" Josh cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled.   
"Josh, he's not here."  
"BILL DUN! BIIILLLL??!"  
"Josh,"  
"FATHER?! IT'S JOSHUA! WHERE ARE YOU?!"  
"Should we-"  
"WHERE ARE YOU?! PLEASE!"  
"He's not here Josh." Dr Cooper said again, and this time he span on the balls of his feet with tears in his eyes and looked at him. "You saw him, I know you did, I know you're telling the truth, but-"  
"BUT WHAT?!"  
"But do you remember what we said in therapy? That our senses can't always be reliable sources of information when we're-"  
"IT'S REAL!"  
"And what are your three prongs of proof for that?" The psychologist brought up the bullshit strategy that he kept insisting Josh try to use, but he didn't need three pieces of evidence, he knew his father was there, he knew, he just, he just had to find him.

"Josh, Josh don't run please." Dr Cooper called out but Josh didn't even look back as he sprinted away from him and away from the parking lot and away from the stupid fucking prison they called a hospital.

He didn't know where he was going as his feet carried him across the green, recently cut, grass. It didn't matter that his brain was telling him it was stupid to think Father would be parked wherever he was running, all that mattered was that he was getting away from the hospital and all the shit that came with it.

Except he couldn't escape it, no matter how fast he sprinted, he couldn't escape it. The dressings covering the wounds on his thigh after a slip up the previous night involving a blade he had traded off Doug in return for his serving of pudding were tugging as he ran, and he could feel the wounds ripping ever so slightly. And the pain associated with the sensation wasn't what made him finally give in, if anything it was part of the reason he ran for so long, because he deserved the pain. No, the reason he stopped running was because the choking tears stopped him from being able to breathe.

"Alright bud, alright," Dr Cooper caught up with Josh a minute later, walking casually rather than chasing him. "Can you stand up by yourself do you think?"   
"I, I, yeh," he sniffed and got up from the grass he had broken down onto, staggering slightly unsteadily until Dr Cooper put his hand on his back to help him calm down enough to balance.

"There's a bench just over there, should we go and sit on it and have a little talk?"  
"O-o-okay," Josh cried, following where he was guided. His vision was blurred by the salty tears and a sudden rush of blood pumping through his system made him feel slightly lightheaded, but Dr Cooper walked patiently by his side then helped him down onto the wooden bench overlooking the hospital before sitting down himself.

"My fa-father, he's, he's not here, is he?"  
"No, not today."  
"The car was a hallucination, wasn't it?" He mopped his cheeks with the back of his hand.   
"Most likely, yes." Dr Cooper nodded. "Well done."

"Do you like running Josh?" He asked a moment later, thankfully not lingering on the subject that made Josh feel so uncomfortable.   
"I, um, yeah, it's uh, I'm not supposed to do it too much, but I like it."  
"Who says you're not supposed to?"   
"Debby,"  
"Oh okay," Dr Cooper leaned back against the bench. "Why's that?"  
"Wh-when, uh, when I was at home, my parents's home, I used to, uh, to, um,"  
"Over exercise."  
"Yeah, and I made myself sick, really sick, so she makes sure I don't get too, uh, too obsessive again."

"Well you're a busy man, aren't you? Personal trainer I understand?"  
"Yeah," he wiped his face again, longing to be back in the gym, back with his clients, back to normal.  
"So she probably just keeps an eye on your exercising because she cares so much about you that she doesn't want you to get unwell again."  
"Yeah, she, she looks after me."  
"And I'm sure she'll continue to look after you as we start thinking about transitioning you home, but first we've got a bit more work to do, haven't we?"  
"Uh huh." Josh squeaked tearfully.

"Would you like to do some running whilst you're here?"  
"What do y-you me-mean?"  
"Well, since you're not exercising at all at the moment, it's unlikely that a bit of jogging is going to make you seriously unwell. Maybe we could talk to Debby and to your team about giving you some time, half an hour perhaps, to jog around the grounds each day? It would probably do your mental health some good."  
"Could we do that? Please?"  
"I think so Josh." He nodded. "Should we go back to the unit? See if we can make a plan, maybe call Debby to check she's okay with it, because she knows you and your limits much better than I do."  
"Yeah,"  
"And we'll ask her to bring you some running gear when she visits you tomorrow?"  
"Thanks, th-thanks doc."  
"Alright bud, no worries, let's get you inside and find a nurse to check those steristrips, you're bleeding through." Dr Cooper stood up and Josh looked down, seeing the growing red stain on his pants and sighing.

 

 

 

  
Jenna had never been good at doing nothing with her time. She liked to be busy, and usually dating Tyler and co was enough to keep her hands full in the best of ways, but whilst James had his afternoon nap and Debby spoke over the phone to Dr Cooper on the fire escape balcony, she had to admit she was bored.

It was strange, with life being so chaotic and so much going on for everyone, it was strange that rather than resting, she wanted to be occupied. But she supposed that over the years she had become so accustomed to turbulence that it was now considered normal to her mind.

Without any uni work to do it anyone to take care of, she was lost as to what do wth herself, so switched every couple of minutes from watching TV to scrolling through Twitter and then to flicking through some free magazine that had been shoved in with rest of her post. In fact when the doorbell sounded, she was exactly excited to be doing something.

She struggled with the numerous different locks that Tyler insisted on having, understanding they needed to feel safe but not exactly loving the setup as she fiddled with the sticky clasp before finally managing to pull the door, only to find two police officers on her doorstep and feel her heart drop.

"He-hello?"  
"Good afternoon ma'am, my name's Officer Daniels and this is my partner Officer Ludlow, is this Tyler Joseph's place of residence?"   
"Um, yeh, yes it is, why? Have they done something wrong?"  
"No no, nothing wrong, my colleague and I just need to have a conversation with him. Can we come in?"  
"I don't understand." Her chest was pounding as she held onto the door tightly, protecting her apartment from invasion.

"What's your name Ma'am?"  
"Jenna, Jenna Black."  
"And how are you connected to Mr Joseph?"  
"I, um, we, we're in a relationship."  
"Okay Jenna, if you let us in then we'll explain everything."  
"Do you have a warrant?" She asked shakily.   
"Mr Joseph's not under investigation and this isn't a search, simply a conversation. If you'd prefer we didn't enter the property then we can arrange a time for Mr Joseph to come down to the station to discuss the matter."  
"Um, uh, okay, alright okay come in." Jenna didn't know if she was going the right thing, but stepped aside as the man and woman dressed in blue entered their living room.

Jenna rushed to turn the TV off and put the remote control down, then stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do.   
"Should we sit?" Officer Ludlow suggested, and maybe it was Jenna's prejudice, but she felt slightly more comfortable obeying the woman's demands than the male who had initially taken the lead. The three of them sat on the L shaped couch, and they both removed their hats as Jenna fiddled with her fingers nervously.

"We're here today regarding a case that's opened up, a sexual assault case."  
"Oh,"  
"A gentleman has brought himself into the station and confessed to an attack on Mr Joseph, and-"  
"Michael Hilton, did you arrest him?"  
"Yes, he's been arrested and charged." Officer Ludlow nodded, and out of nowhere, suddenly Jenna was crying.

"I understand this has been a long time coming, and I apologise for the turmoil that Mr Joseph and his loved ones have had to face over these years, but now that we've charged Mr Hilton, we can begin to give him some justice."  
"Thank you," Jenna whispered through the tears.   
"Mr Hilton has given a full confession,"  
"Thank you,"  
"So now it's up to us to build a full case so we can ensure he gets the sentence he deserves."  
"How long?"  
"Could he be sent to jail for?" Officer Daniels clarified and she nodded. "It's a first degree felony, so 5 to 10 years,"  
"That's it?" Jenna scoffed tearfully.   
"He's served time before for drug offences so the judge may give him a longer sentence if it's decided he's a danger to the public." He explained but Jenna couldn't think clearly enough to respond. Tyler would be terrorised by the attack for the rest of their life, and yet Michael could be free in 5 measly years. Some excuse for justice.

"Sorry about that babe," Debby walked back into the room, not noticing the officers, then literally freezing on the spot once she looked up. "Jen?"   
"They, um, they're, they're,"  
"We're here to talk to Mr Joseph, that's all, no need to be alarmed ma'am,"  
"Tyler? Right, should I go and wake them up?"  
"He's here? In the apartment?"  
"Yes, I'll get them, I'll be right back." Debby nodded and Jenna silently wished she hadn't said anything, because she knew full well that James would still be fronting and shouldn't be forced to deal with cops.

"What are you going to ask of them?"  
"We're not expecting for Mr Joseph to be prepared to supply us with one today, but we need to introduce the idea of a formal statement being made."  
"A statement? What? Michael confessed, he, he handed himself in,"  
"He did, but there are situations where a confession may be thrown out of the court, so we need to prepare as much evidence as possible to ensure we win this case."  
"But, but," she stammered. "But he's going to plea guilty!"  
"We can never rely on a guilty plea as he's free to make any plea he wishes in spite of a confession, and anyway, the judge needs to hear the evidence in order to know how to sentence him."

"A-are you expecting Ty to, to, to stand up in court and give details of, of, of the rape? Because I don't think they're capable of doing that, they've got, there's um, they've got complex mental health issues." Jenna tried to explain, but didn't get a chance to listen to the officer's response before she heard a pattering of heavy feet and looked over to saw James running in, one hand in their mouth and Debby following just behind.

"Good afternoon Mr Joseph, I'm sorry to disturb you but we're here-"  
"Hi!"  
"Hello," Officer Daniels was patient as James climbed up onto the couch, shuffling a lot to get comfy and snuggled next to Jenna, and she wrapped her arm around them. "My name-"  
"I'm James!"   
"Hi James, I'm Officer Daniels, but you can call me Harry. I'm here with Cara today to-"  
"Cool hat!" They exclaimed excitedly, shuffling back out of their position and grabbing across to snatch it from the policeman, then putting it on their index finger and giggling as they unsuccessfully attempted to spin it.

"James, should we give the man his hat back?" Jenna suggested softly, wiping her face.   
"Oh that's okay, you can play with it if you like, do you want to try it on?"  
"Yeah!" James squeaked and put it on then pulled it over their eyes.   
"Why don't we play together with your friend here whilst Cara has a little chat with Jenna in the kitchen?"  
"Yayy!"  
"Don't worry, we'll be okay." Debby looked Jenna straight in the eyes and told her, and she took a shaky gulp then stood up and lead the way to the kitchen, the female officer following just behind.

"Sorry," Jenna whispered tearfully as the officer, Cara, stood close to her in the corner. They could both still see James playing and, for whatever reason, Jenna couldn't stop crying.   
"Does he age regress?"  
"It's um, it, it's called DID. Diss, dissociative identity disorder. Multiple personalities."   
"How many has he got?"  
"9, 9 alters."  
"And is Tyler still one of the personalities?"  
"Uh huh." Jenna nodded, biting her lip.

"Does, d-does, um,"  
"Just breathe Ms Black, it's okay." The officer soothed her a little.   
"There was an a-attack, 6 years ago, there, um, one of the alters attacked someone and Tyler got arrested and got let off on a criminal insanity plea. Does it mean their account isn't valid? Can, c-can they make a statement? Or, or, or, or are they unreliable and the evidence doesn't count and Michael gets away with it all-" Jenna panicked.   
"Ms Black, Ms Black, calm down, just breathe, Michael's in a cell, you and Tyler are safe, there's no rush and no need to get ahead of yourself. We can take this slow."  
"O-oh-okay,"

"Now, does a mental illness make the process more difficult? Yes. Does it mean the crimes committed against Tyler are nullified? Of course not. Justice will be served and Michael will pay for what he's done." She said with such confidence that Jenna's tears somehow streamed even quicker.   
"Th-tha-thank, y-yo-you."

"I'll put you in touch with an officer from the station, her name's Judy, she's been specially trained in mental health guidance, so guiding someone in Tyler's position through the court process. We'll make sure he's properly supported."  
"O-kay,"  
"And I'm aware this is 7 years too late, but there's also a victim's support scheme that I'll get Judy to give you the contact details for. It's a charity and I'm sure they'll have lots of useful information too, tips from people who have done this before."  
"Ri-ight."

"We can't force Tyler to give a statement, if he's not well enough then there's very little we can do about that. We can bring a mental health professional to the stand, has he got some sort of psychiatrist?"  
"A, um, a, a psych-chologist, PhD in D-DID."  
"Perfect, so we can call them as an expert witness to explain why Tyler's unable to give evidence."  
"But," Jenna wished she could pull herself together but kept failing. "But Ty's, T-Ty's state-ment w-would be pow-power-ful."  
"Ultimately it's likely to be the most impactful, yes." Cara nodded.

"We won't rush him, I know these things take time, but there is of course a time pressure within the legal system."  
"How long?" Jenna asked, turning to face James and watching as the young alter giggled with the officer's hat on their head wonkily.   
"The defendant is entitled to a preliminary hearing within 10 days of arrest."  
"10 days," she gulped, still watching and honestly not having a clue whether Tyler was up to the challenge. And it was going to be one hell of a challenge that she was truly terrified Tyler wouldn't be able to handle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I need some advice:  
> I'm in the middle of doing the IB, and in order to get the diploma I need to complete a certain number of hours of 'creativity' - basically I need to present a creative project that took me 50 hours. My current plan is to cheat a little and rework one of my fics to be non-fanfic, and I'm leaning towards reworking my brain injury fic (where Ty's in the coma and Josh lost his baby) - but I might improve it too.   
> Does anybody have any thoughts?  
> Basically I need reassurance that it's good enough, and any idea for improvement would be greatly appreciated xx
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, love you all x


	26. Chapter 26

"He's just in here. Have a pleasant visit, and I'll come back in 50 minutes to give you a 5 minute warning." The nurse said as they approached Josh's room. "If you need someone then either me or one of my colleagues will be at the nurse's station at the end of the hall."  
"Thank you so much,"  
"Enjoy." She smiled, then turned back down the corridor and left Debby alone, nervously hovering outside the door with her boyfriend's name on it.

She knew it was ridiculous to be nervous about seeing her boyfriend, but hearing about his self harm relapse and his latest hallucinations and his attempt to run away had reminded her yet again how sick he was, and it was overwhelming. It was selfish to make his illness about herself, but she felt so useless because she literally had no idea how she was supposed to help him.

Gulping down her anxiety, she pulled herself together then flattened her hand against the eggshell door and pushed it.

"Hello?" Josh's tired voice called out, and she entered and found him curled up under his lilac covers, lifting his head slightly off the pillow.  
"Hey you." She entered, smiled softly at him and put down the book she had brought on the top of a chest of drawers. "What are you still doing in bed mister?"  
"Debby? I, I didn't know you were coming so early," he scrambled to get out of bed, revealing his adorable blue cotton striped pyjamas, and met her half way. His arms stretched wide then wrapped around her, holding her close and tucking his chin on top of her head. Debby wasn't sure whether it felt so special because it was so emotional, but it was definitely one of her top 5 hugs ever and she didn't want it to end. Neither of them did.

"I missed you." Josh said in a deep and tired voice and she felt the vibrations in his throat.  
"I missed you too baby, so much." She let her hand leave his back and rest on his pec instead, stroking with her thumb. "So much,"

Debby had so much she wanted to say, so much comfort she wanted to provide, support she wanted to give, and yet all her words seem to float away as she soaked in his scent. Everything about him, his build, his warmth, his smell, even his breathing pattern, it all filled her with joy that was littered with sadness, knowing it would all be torn away in less than an hour.

"You're so beautiful Debby," he was the first one to move and took his head off hers, then leant back ever so slightly and moved one of his hands so to cup her face, softly holding her chin between his thumb and his bent forefinger. She felt like he was surveying her fave, absorbing every detail, but she didn't complain because she was doing the same thing to him.

"I love you."  
"I love you." Josh echoed back, then kissed her for a far too brief moment.

"Your pyjamas, they, um, they're adorable sweetheart," she stepped back and admired the blue stripes, taking the lapels of the shirt in her hands and admiring.  
"Courtesy of St Mary's," he obviously forced a smile, then reached up a rubbed his eye with the palm of his hand.

"Tired?" She guessed and he nodded. "Did you sleep last night?"  
"I, I, I, I,"  
"You can tell me baby."  
"Um," he looked away, then looked back with tear glistened eyes. "I got upset over, over something dumb, I, Sarah was supposed to say goodnight to me but Lada did it instead and I don't know why but it really upset me and I had a panic attack, and, and I got really worked up and I started hallucinating so they came and they brought me pills and the pills made me sleep. But, yeah, no, it, it,"  
"It was a bad night." She summarised for him and he nodded sadly.

"It sounds to me like you were really brave J."  
"I cried the whole night."  
"Crying doesn't make you weak."  
"Over the fact my night round nurse changed though?"  
"Change can be scary, and small things can set us off when we're already overwhelmed." Debby told her clearly ashamed and disappointed boyfriend.

"I brought the first Harry Potter book with me, do you want to get back into bed? I'll read to you."  
"Will you get in bed with me too?"  
"Of course." She nodded and he seemed appreciative, so she let go of him and went over to the book, picking up the soft cover and feeling proud of the aged yellow stained pages. She'd had the copy since she was 11.

When she turned around, she saw Josh crouched over and rummaging through a drawer, and she waited patiently until he emerged from his scavenge, clutching an identical pyjama top in his hand.

"Babe?"  
"Here, you can take this home with you,"  
"Home with me?" She was a little confused as she took the shirt from him.  
"Because, because you like it, and, um, well it might remind you of me? So, so, so you could wear it if you're missing me?"  
"Oh baby, that's so thoughtful, but-"  
"But you don't like it?"  
"I do-"  
"So you don't like me?"  
"Josh," Debby said a little sternly, determined to stop the panic in its tracks. She might not have dealt with hallucinations before but she had helped him through more than her share of his panic attack.

"I love the gesture and I love you, but I already sleep in one of your shirts baby, and it smells of you. This one, it looks very comfy, but this one I think you should keep, okay?" She explained whilst folding it back up for him. "It's not anything metaphorical, it's not me not wanting you, it's simply the fact that I have dozens of your shirts back at home that I've been rotating, meanwhile in here you only have a limited amount of clothing. So I really appreciate what you're trying to give me baby, but I think you need this PJ shirt more than I do." She went over to the drawer he had pulled it from and opened it, and was immediately met by a shrieking protest.

"No!"  
"Josh."  
"No! Don't look in there! No! Don't!"  
"Oh Josh." A heavy sigh escaped her lips as she saw at least 50 different pills scattered around loose at the bottom of the drawer.

"I told you not to." Tears escaped the brims of his eyes as he raced over and slammed the drawer shut again.  
"I saw baby."  
"I told you not to!"  
"Are they yours Josh? Or did you steal them?"  
"Mine! My business! Leave me alone!" He cried.  
"Josh, are, are, are you saving them up for something? A suicide attempt? Do you have a plan?" She tried to stay calm but it was difficult.  
"My business!"  
"Our business, baby, we're gonna get married one day aren't we? Gonna have a little family? We share everything with each other J." Debby stood up and held him loosely as he looked anywhere but in her eyes.

"Sweetheart, what's going on?"  
"It doesn't matter!"  
"It matters to me."  
"He said I can't say!"  
"Who said that?"  
"Doug." Josh stopped exclaiming and instead whispered tearfully. "Doug, he's in the room next door, he said I can't say."  
"Well I'm telling you that you can." She whispered back.

"Tell me baby, tell me why you've got all those pills,"  
"Doug, he um," Josh finally wiped his dripping face. "He said, he um, he, he wants, he,"  
"I'm listening,"  
"He taught me h-how to trick the medication nurse."  
"Trick her?"  
"Pretend to take the meds." He admitted guiltily and Debby sighed again. "Hide them under my tongue."  
"Why baby? Why do you hide them?"  
"Because." He gulped. "Because if I give Doug 100 pills then he'll show me the gap in the fence. Show me how to escape."  
"Oh Josh," she hugged him close, feeling his sobbing shakes against her chest.

"Listen to me bubba, okay? Listen to me, not Doug, me. You don't need to be making deals or trying to cheat the system, you don't need to do any of it."  
"I do! I want, I, I need to be with you!"  
"But baby, you can do this properly, okay? If you take your medication then the hallucinations won't happen and you can properly get better and get discharged and come home to-"  
"Doug says the pills don't work!"  
"They might not be a cure, but they'll help, they'll make things easier so that you're not so overwhelmed and this doesn't feel so impossible."

"But he said," Josh whimpered.  
"Doug, I don't know him, but he doesn't sound like the sort of friend you need right now Josh. He's the one who gave you the blade the other day, wasn't he?"  
"How, h-how?"  
"Dr Cooper told me darling." She reached up and wiped away his tears. "And they've done a room search but didn't find anything, so he must have hidden his collection really well. But Dr Cooper didn't know about the pills-"  
"Don't tell him!"  
"I have to,"  
"Please Debby, please, he'll take away all my rewards, my garden passes, my calls, my visits." The last word was accompanied by a sob.

"If he knows what's really going on then he can get you the proper help you need baby."  
"But, but I'm so close to 100! I, I, I've got 63, and, a-and they increased my dosages so, so, so 4 more days! 4 days! Then I'll have enough and he'll show me out and we can be together!"  
"Josh, Josh stop it. You can't do this, okay? You can't go along with this. Doug isn't going to show you a secret way out, because if he knew a way out then surely he would have gone himself." Debby knew she was breaking his heart but it had to be done. "He's using you baby, he's trying to get your meds so that he can hurt himself, overdose, he's not trying to help you."  
"He is!"

"I'm trying to help you Josh, and Dr Cooper, and Sarah and Lada and everyone else who works here. We're trying to help you, Doug is trying to hurt himself and get you wrapped up in it. Babe, please, I know you're smart enough to understand that nothing good is going to come from giving him so much medication."  
"He, he, he just wants a bigger dose! He wants a bigger dose so he feels better and they won't give it to him! I'm helping him!"  
"Baby, that many pills is a huge dosage, a fatal dosage, and you don't want to get caught up in that. Josh, darling, think of what the guilt will do to you if he misuses these pills. Because I think we both know he will."

"I just want to go home."  
"I know Josh, I know."  
"Take me home with you,"  
"I can't baby,"  
"Please,"  
"I can't," she hugged him close. "But I can get you more help."  
"I don't want their help, I want you."  
"And you've got me, okay? You've got me." Debby reached up and stroked his wet face.

"Whether I'm right here in your arms or whether I'm away, I'm thinking of you and waiting for the next chance I'll get to be with you. I'm rooting for you Josh, okay? So the next stage is actually getting you home, and no, I can't just discharge you, I need you to be healthy at home. Healthy and happy."  
"I can't do that, I can't, I can't,"  
"You can Josh."

"It's so hard!"  
"I know baby, but if you take your meds properly then it's going to feel so much easier, and not having Doug dragging you down is going to make it easier too. I'll talk to Dr Cooper, okay? I'll make sure he understands that you weren't trouble making, that you got manipulated, that it's not fair to punish you and it's important he keeps giving you the same amount of passes and calls and visits. I'll fix it, but you have to stop listening to Doug, understand?"  
"Yeh,"  
"If he says anything to you, anything at all that you don't think is right, you tell someone. Even if it's me and you get me to call in for you. Whatever's easiest for you. We'll make sure this doesn't happen again, I promise."  
"Thank you,"

"Do you still want me to read to you?" Debby asked quietly, reaching up and stroking his yellow hair, roots on show already.  
"Yeah," he squeaked, nodding. She sighed and stepped back, watching the broken way he cried.  
"Okay baby, let's get you into bed, you're okay, it's okay to cry, the hard bit is over and now we can start you on the road to recovery for real this time. The road home." She climbed up next to him and had barely crossed her legs before Josh slumped over and put his head in her lap, cuddling his knees close to his chest. Debby pulled the lilac blanket up over his shaking body and tucked it right under his chin, then rested her spare hand in his fading hair and opened Harry Potter with the other.

"Mr and Mrs Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much."

 

 

 

"Zacky Zacky Zackyyy!" James squealed excitedly, jumping up and down with their hands flapping by their side and a grin up to their ears as their big brother staggered through the apartment door with a huge Adidas duffle bag over his shoulder. He dropped it to the floor and held his arms out wide, and James screeched and sprinted across the slippy hall and jumped onto him.

"Hey little man, hey," Zack squeezed them tight, spinning around once then putting their feet back down on the ground. "I've missed you bud." He kissed their forehead and they giggled.  
"Miss me, miss me, now you got to kiss me!" They sang gleefully.

"Does JenJen want a kiss too?" Zack laughed and turned to face her, and James's arms wrapped around their head, overwhelmed by joy as their two favourite people hugged each other, but there was no kissy kissy for her in the end.

"Zacky Zacky look!" James grabbed his hand when they were done and tugged him away from the door and over to the living room where they had been doing colouring in on the floor. They jumped onto their knees, skidding a little, and waited as Zacky climbed to be next to them, then thrusted across a picture they had done for him with a proud giggle. Whilst he looked at it, they hugged their hands close to their chest and nibbled on their thumb.

"James, why don't you tell Zack what you've drawn him?" Jenna joined them on the floor.  
"It, it, i-it, this is a house, and, and and, and this is James and this is Zacky and this is Dr Doctor the pussycat!" They described eagerly.  
"Wow, this is great littleman, good job."  
"And why did you draw Zack a picture James?"  
"It's our house! And, and you are in our house for sleeping!"  
"It's a welcome card, isn't it?" Jenna helped them find the words and they nodded feverishly.  
"Thaaank you buddy!" Zacky smiled, still admiring their drawing.

"JenJen where Debby?"  
"Debby's on the phone to Joshie's Daddy's helper Eleanor, telling her aallll about their playdate today so that Joshie's Daddy knows what's going on with Joshie."  
"Where Debby?"  
"On the fire escape, but super duper busy on the phone."  
"Ohhh," they sulked sadly.

"But that's okay, isn't it bud? Because you can play with me instead!"  
"Yaaaayyyyyy!" James squealed and latched back onto their big brother, arms around his ribs.  
"And Tatum says hi,"  
"Hi hi hi hi hi hi!"  
"I'll pass that on," he laughed. "Plusssss, she made you a present!"  
"Present! For meeeee???"  
"Yep." Zack popped the p and James caught the giggles.

"Come on, it's in my bag, do you want to be a really strong helpful boy and help me put my bag down in the spare room and then we'll get you that prezzy?"  
"Yay yay yay!" They nodded and raced back towards the hall where the huuugemongous bag had been abandoned.

They found the super long shoulder strap and stretched it out flat on the floor, then jumped inside the loop. When they started trying to walk, the weight of the bag was pushing against the front of their ankles.

"What are you doing?" Zacky laughed.  
"Helping!"  
"You're a silly sausage James, trying picking it up properly, because you're gonna fall flat on your face like that."  
"I can't!"  
"I think you can bud."  
"I only little!"  
"Ahh," he sighed with a smile. "Alright, well let's do it together then, teamwork?"  
"Okay!" James nodded and jumped back out of the strap, then copied as Zacky picked up a little handle near the zip. They both lifted up at the same time and James giggled because he was absolutely definitely the strongest.

"Wow, perfect, thank you James." Zacky smiled as they plopped the bag on the big big bed in room number 4, but James didn't grin, James felt sad. "Something up little guy?"  
"Yes." They pouted their bottom lip glumly.  
"What's wrong babe?" Jenna asked.  
"Joshie's room!"  
"Josh? Doesn't he sleep with Debby down the hall?"  
"He does, but when she went out of town, he slept in here for a few nights." Jenna explained and James sat on the bed, still sad.

"You miss him bud?" Zacky asked, sitting down too.  
"Yeh! He gone away!"  
"But he's gonna call tonight, isn't he James? Any minute now. He said he's got to speak to somebody from 4 o clock till 5 o clock, and then when he's walking back to his bedroom, he's going to stop in the phone room and give us a ring."  
"He's finished his talk with them now to it won't be long till you get to speak to him James," Zacky looked at his watch but James couldn't tell the time.

"Don't feel sad James, he's on a very important vacation, and he'll be home in no time." JenJen smiled but her eyes looked sad.  
"And hey, you still want your present, don't you?"  
"Yeh," James said, rubbing their tired eye with their fingers, not feeling so excited anymore. Zacky turned around and unzipped his bag, then brought out a plastic Tupperware box filled with little chocolate balls.

"Tatum made them, they're truffles."  
"Oh wow, thank you Tatum." Jenna smiled as Zack took the lid off.  
"Do you want one James?"  
"They're chocolate, I think you'll like them poppet."  
"Nah," they sighed.  
"Oh James, are y-" JenJen started saying but the loud ringing sound of the telephone in the kitchen interrupted her and James leapt off the bed and sprinted straight to it. Excitement allowed a small giggle to escape as they picked up the device.

"Hello?"  
"Hey, it's, uh, it's Josh? You said to call after therapy."  
"Joshiieeeee!"  
"Oh, hey James, is that you?" Joshie sounded tired.  
"Yessssy!"  
"Hi, um, could, could you get Debby for me please?"  
"But I miss you!"  
"I miss you too, we, uh, we'll, we'll talk another time, yeh?"  
"No! Now!" James felt really sad.  
"Is Debby there? Or should I call later?"  
"Talk to meeee now!"

"I'm tired James, I just, I wanna talk to my girlfriend. Please?"  
"Talk to me Joshie!"  
"Please."  
"TALK TO ME JOSHIE!" They screamed a little bit then laughed nervously. Joshie didn't say anything. "Talk to us or we will all be very very cross at you."  
"James, darling, don't say that to Josh please," JenJen said, and they saw she had gone and got Debby, and they were stood with Zack, watching them on the phone.

"Does he want to talk to me?" Debby asked.  
"No! Go away! He's MY FRIEND!"  
"James, don't shout." Jenna warned but they didn't care.

"Joshie I drawed a picture of Dr Doctor today!" James turned away from the other people and said down the phone, but Joshie didn't reply so they repeated themselves. "I drawed a picture of Dr Doctor today!"  
"I had a r-eally sh-shit-ty therapy s-session, pl-please, can, can I just t-talk to D-Debs?" Joshie sounded like he was crying.  
"Stop that!"  
"Please J-James, I, I, can't, I can't do this w-with you, pl-please? Get, De-Debby?"  
"No!" James stropped, and then the phone line made a strange beeping sound.

"JenJen."  
"Yeah?"  
"It's broke."  
"Can I have a listen?" She asked and they nodded sadly, so she took the handset off them and held it to her ear. "He's hung up."  
"Shit." Debby sighed. "Can I?"  
"Yeh, redial is next to the hash key." Jenna passed it across to her, and James ran away to their bedroom.

Tyler liked boring bed sheets but James's green blankie was folded neatly on top of their pillow and they grabbed it and shook it big again then curled up on the floor and hid underneath it, crying lots and lots. Footsteps echoed and scared them, so they bunched up into an even tighter ball and cowered away from the sound.

"James? It's just Zack, big bro Zacky, can I come in your little den please?"  
"Go away!"  
"Please James? It looks real cool under there."  
"O-okay," they whimpered, so Zacky lifted up the edge and sat down too, and immediately they curled up against his chest and he stroked their hair softly downwards.

"Joshie doesn't like me."  
"Joshie does like you."  
"He no talk to me!"  
"Well I think he's just had a bad day, and I think maybe he wanted to speak to Debby, just how you like calling me up when you have a bad day James." Zacky murmured gently. "I think he's feeling a bit sad, that's all."

"James feel a bit sad."  
"You do? And why's that?"  
"I miss Joshie,"  
"I know bud." Zacky held them tight.  
"I no see him for a gazillion years!"  
"Gazillion years! That's a looong time,"  
"Johnny say we sawed him on the other day for some minutes and he is only not sleeping here for so far 2 weeks."  
"2 weeks, that sounds right to me."  
"That, that is super long too."  
"You're right littleman, that is a long time." He sighed.

"Tyler sad that Joshie not there for the bad man."  
"The bad man? Oh, you mean, you mean Tyler's meeting? He's sad that Josh couldn't be there with him?"  
"And you no there."  
"Yeah, I'm sorry Ty, I'm sorry James, I should have been there."  
"Because the bad man play a game after school one day that Tyler didn't wanna play."  
"James, would Tyler like to talk to me about the bad man rather than you?"  
"Ty not coming out."  
"No?"  
"No, he, he on vacation."  
"He said that did he?" Zacky smiled.  
"Yeh, he on vacation for a break and James is the boss!"  
"And you're a very good boss indeed."

"So why does Joshie not like me?"  
"Joshie loves you James, he loves you all and I promise he's doing everything he can in order to come home as soon as he can and be with you again, he's just struggling a bit at the moment. Do you know what I mean by that?"  
"No."  
"I mean that he's finding life a little bit difficult right now. Things are complicated and hard to understand, and very very scary, and that's not a nice feeling for Josh. And that's why sometimes he cries, and sometimes he gets mad, and neither are because of us, it's because of how bad he's feeling on the inside. So right now he's staying somewhere nice and friendly where they make him feel all good and warm inside, and then once all the bad feeling goes away, he'll come back home and he'll be super fun again."

"I miss him."  
"Me too."  
"Tyler three." They snuggled closer, listening to Tyler's soft hesitant voice in the back left of their brain, saying all the things he wanted to say to Joshie but wasn't ready to front and actually do it. James didn't mind, James liked listening to Tyler, James fell asleep listening to Tyler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truth time: I'm struggling a bit with ao3 atm guys. I love the writing, I love making up these storylines and seeing them through and watching them develop, I'm just craving a bit more from you guys in return. And maybe I'm asking too much and I should be grateful, but I just wanted to share that I've been getting really anxious about posting recently. I do get comments but I rarely get feedback relating to the actual chapter, and that can really suck sometimes when you put so much heart and soul into a piece of work. 
> 
> I have some amazing readers and you make me laugh and you make me cry, and I want to be open in return and say that I would like it if you could tell me if you enjoyed a certain aspect or a certain line or style I did. That way, not only do I feel appreciated and encouraged, but I can also write what you guys want to read. 
> 
> Thank you so much, and please don't ever think I'm not grateful to those of you who are here every single update.  
> I love you bunch xox


	27. Chapter 27

Josh's room wasn't far away from the dining hall, but it also wasn't close. It wasn't really close or really far from anywhere, it was nicely located, in the midst of the hive during the day so it was easy to retreat and take a breather, and away from the manic end of the wing during the night.

It only took him a few minutes to remove his St Mary's uniform pyjamas and swap underwear then slide on his plain white shirt, his plain navy jogging bottoms, and his St Mary's fleece. He folded his pyjamas, made the bed, put them on his pillow and tossed his boxers in his laundry bag, then quickly had time to splash his face with water from the sink and put his slippers on before the usual morning knock on the door for breakfast. He still wasn't used to not having a clock.

The walk might have been short but he was nervous as he made it. He didn't know where he stood with Dr Cooper, he didn't know where he stood with Doug, and he didn't know where he stood with himself. Despite seeing how deeply Debby wanted him to recover and despite how desperate he was to stop feeling like shit all the time, he genuinely didn't know whether he had it in him to be able to go through the program earnestly.

He was one of the first patient's to arrive in the dining hall, and went straight over to the back for cereal. There was always cereal, always fruit, then it alternated whether the third option was croissants or pancakes. Today was pancakes, but Josh always went for cereal regardless. He couldn't read the labels and the boxes were unfamiliar from life before hospital, and he was scared of choosing something unhealthy. So instead he did what he always did and put a scoop of muesli from the clear muesli tub in a bowl, then added a splash of milk and grabbed an apple and a spoon then put them down on an empty table. A quick trip back to grab a glass of water, then he sat down and stirred his bowl with a sigh.

For some reason, the muesli at St Mary's had little chocolate chunks in it, and Josh wasn't a fan. Before he could start eating, he spent the time to pick out each single one individually and put them on the table next to his bowl. He didn't want chocolate, he didn't like chocolate, he didn't need chocolate, it was just unnecessary sugar.

A part of him knew that his teenage obsession with exercise and clean eating was still very present, but it was easier to deny. It wasn't an eating disorder, he still ate, he was still healthy, and he just liked to stay healthy and chocolate wasn't going to help the cause.

"Morning Josh,"  
"Hi," he croaked his first word of the day as his assigned nurse, Sally, sat down opposite him with a smile.   
"How are you feeling today?"  
"Um, uh, tired I guess?"  
"How did you sleep?"  
"Better than the night before." He shrugged, stirring his muesli but not eating it.

"Dr Cooper wanted me to talk about pacing with you today, not overwhelming you with activities and giving you more opportunities to rest and calm down and collect yourself. So you're supposed to be on your normal timetable, but I'll give you permission not to attend a session. Have you got a preference which one you'd like to miss?"  
"Dunno." He shrugged again, eyes flicking up the door and watching for Doug.   
"Would you prefer a break in the morning or the afternoon?"  
"Dunno."

"Are you gonna eat any of that?" She gestured to his bowl.   
"Not hungry. Never am."  
"What's you appetite like usually when you're home?"  
"Fine."

Josh didn't bother expanding any further, in fact he just let his spoon clatter down in the bowl and rubbed both his eyes with both his hands, then sighed and rested his head in them, elbows on the table. He stayed like that for a few minutes, staring at the plain grey tabletop and listening to the quiet conversations that other patients were having with their nurses. One of the anorexic guys was crying already. Josh sighed again.

"Sal," someone said, and Josh glanced up to see a doctor he hadn't seen before giving her a sheet of paper and a pen.   
"Ah, thanks Stan," she took them off him and he walked away.   
"What's that?"  
"I think Dr Cooper's gonna explain to everyone in a minute."  
"Right." He went back to staring at nothing for a while longer.

"Morning guys, can I have your attention please? Hello? Isaac please? Alright thanks everyone." Dr Cooper was stood on a chair in the corner, looking around for everyone's eye contact, typical three piece suit differentiating him from the rest of the staff. Josh was bored of his speech already, and wanted to go back to bed.

"Okay, as you can see, I've had a contract passed around to all of you, and that's because the terms and conditions of your stay here with us at St Mary's are changing." He announced. "It's been brought to my attention that perhaps not all medication dispersed by our nursing team is making its way to the intended recipient."

At that exact moment, Josh knew this was about him and his deal with Doug. He looked around the dining hall anxiously, not knowing whether he wanted to make eye contact with his neighbour or know where to avoid looking. But Doug wasn't there, and he didn't know whether to feel relieved or not. He was too tired to feel anything.

"Prescriptions, once established, must be carried through. It's important for us to know what you're taking because it means we can see what's having an effect on your behaviour and wellbeing and how we can improve your treatment. It's important for you to take your medication because there are physical side effects of suddenly stopping a dosage, but also because it's there to help you."

"Now, if you're a formal patient then I'm afraid medication is obligatory if prescribed, and non negotiable. However if you're here with us today as an informal patient and are supposed to be on a medication that you don't wish to take, then please find the time to discuss the possibility of removing the prescription with one of our psychiatrists, but that's not a decision for you to make on your own."

"Additionally ladies and gentlemen, medication is not to be shared." He bellowed, hands cutting through the air expressively. "The consequences can be dire for whomever you give the pills. For example, if they were to become randomly unwell and require medical treatment, and if we're not able to share the extent of the medication they've taken with the doctors, then there's a chance that they won't be able to treat them effectively. And then of course, there's the very real chance of somebody taking an intentional overdose."

"Guys, whether you agree or not, we're all here for the same reason, and that's to help you recover. Medication plays a small role in your overall program, but an important one. So today we're requiring you all to sign a contract saying you will take all medication you are prescribed, and take it in the presence of a nurse. The second term is that you do not share medication with others, either giving or receiving. And the third and final term is that you will be contractually obliged to share with a member of staff if you're aware of any improper practice regarding medication within St Mary's."

"Everyone must agree to these terms, so I'm expecting 14 signed contracts to be on my desk within the hour. If you're not willing to comply then please find your way to my office and we'll discuss transferring you to another unit as you'll not be permitted to stay with us past 9am tomorrow morning. Thank you for your time, and have a good day." Dr Cooper stepped off his chair and left the room, and slow bubbles of conversation began again.

"Alright Josh, here you are," Sally pushed the sheet of paper over to him with the pen resting near the top.   
"I can't read."  
"Your dyslexia?"  
"Uh huh." He nodded with yet another sigh.   
"Want me to read it to you?"  
"Does it just say what he said?"   
"Basically, yeh."  
"K."  
"So will you sign it for me Josh?"  
"I can't."  
"You're not willing to comply?"  
"I can't write."  
"Just a signature, that's all."  
"I can't write!" He exclaimed more emotionally the second time round.

"How do you usually sign contracts and such?"  
"I don't."  
"You must have at some point Josh, or d-"  
"I don't! I can't! Why don't you listen to me?! I'm too fucking stupid to know how!"   
"Alright Josh, calm down." She said quietly, seemingly not phased by the abrupt way he stood up. Everyone else had turned to stare, but he was beyond caring.

"Just put any odd mark down on the line and I'll ensure we accept that." Sally suggested a solution and he picked up the pen and drew a shaky circle, not used to gripping the tool, then stormed out of the hall and down the corridor.

He was pissed off. Not only had he been humiliated by Dr Cooper standing up in front of the entire unit and ridiculing his only coping method, but to top it off they had to go and throw in reading to the mix, truly rubbing salt in the wound. As much as Debby had attempted to convince him to work with his team, how could he when they were so cruel?

"Oh look who it is." Someone muttered bitterly, and he looked up with tears in eyes to see Doug leaning against the wall, one leg bent and pressed against the wall too, and arms crossed. "Joshua fucking Dun."  
"Hi Doug," he sniffed as one escaped down his cheek and he rushed to wipe it away. Doug stood up properly, and that was when Josh noticed he was dressed in jeans and a hoodie opposed to the hospital uniform.

"I've got a fucking bone to pick with you,"  
"Me?" Josh squeaked, pretending he didn't know what he was on about.   
"Yes, asshole." Suddenly it was Josh being pushed up against the wall, Doug's forearm flat across his collarbones and intimidating eye contact boring through Josh's skull. As he spoke, flecks of spit sprayed his face. "You threw me under the bus, Josh."   
"I never."  
"I thought we had a deal, Josh."  
"We d-"  
"So, Josh, why the fuck did I have Coops in my room at the crack of dawn, telling me to get out?"  
"Wait what?" Josh panicked and Doug responded by ramming him into the wall harshly.

"I'm getting transferred Joshua, to a fucking high security ward."   
"Oh,"  
"Oh? OH?! THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT TO SAY?! YOU'VE RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE AND THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT TO SAY?!"   
"I didn't know-"  
"YOU DIDN'T KNOW?! ARE YOU REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID?" Doug screamed and Josh's silent tears turned to guilty sobs.

"THEY'RE GONNA LOCK ME UP JOSH! I CAN'T SEE MY FAMILY FOR 3 FUCKING MONTHS! I CAN'T SEE THEM AND IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!"  
"I'm s-so-rry,"  
"I HATE YOU!"  
"I'M SSORRYYY!"  
"I HATE YOU!" He screamed again but Josh was crying too hard to speak back.

"I'm gonna make you regret the day you were born." The hysterical man hissed and Josh wanted to explain that he already did, but the tears stole his voice. "You listen here and you listen close, I will make you regret the day you were born, you fucking weasel. As soon as I get to this other ward, I'm getting out again, I'm breaking out, and I'm going to track down every single fucking pathetic soul you claim to love and I'll show them exactly how much you've hurt me, I'll tear each and everyone of them apart, and then I'll move onto you. I'll leave you till last, but I swear on my mother's life that I will be back, you hear me? I'm coming back for you."

"Oh there you are! Alright Doug, you've said your goodbyes now bud, your transfer car's here." A nurse called from the other end of the hall, and Doug's grip was released, enabling Josh to slip down the wall and curl up in on himself as he sobbed.

 

 

 

Zack was sat on the L shaped couch by himself, folding the advert that had fallen out of Jenna's magazine into a crane. When he was a kid it had been his party trick to try and impress girls, and it rarely worked, but it was something to occupy himself with whilst James watched Cars 2 in bed with Jenna. They'd offered him a place in their bed too but he knew it was Jenna's way of getting them down for their afternoon nap, so had left the pair to it.

With his crane complete, he stood it up on the coffee table then relaxed back into the couch and started looking at all the photos on the walls again, trying to catch up on everything he'd missed since he'd stopped living with his sibling and Josh.

Even though all of Tyler's system shared the same body, Zack was proud to be able to recognise a couple of different alters in some of the photos. There was one of Jenna with them on the beach, and it was immediately obvious just from the protective arm around her back that it was Andrew with her. Then another picture to the left on the wall was of them with Josh at what appeared to be a bowling alley, and the look of concentration could only belong to Johnny. And slightly above that picture was the system with Debby and Jenna in what was clearly a girls night, and clearly Willow smiling warmly from the middle.

His appreciation of the sweet pictures was interrupted by a door opening, and he turned to see Debby emerging from her room. She was wearing Josh's hoodie and Josh's sweatpants and her hair was in an extremely messy bun, and she was looking beyond exhausted as she made eye contact and walked over with sweater paws for hands.

"Hey there,"  
"Hey,"  
"Sorry, I'm being an awful hostess, can I get you anything? A drink maybe?"  
"Nah, honest, I'm fine thanks,"  
"Can I join you?"  
"Yeah course." He smiled as she curled up on the couch too.

"How are you feeling today?"  
"Missing him like crazy." She yawned, pulling the sleeves even further over her hands and picking at them sadly.   
"Yeah,"  
"We've always been quite an intense couple? Like, I dunno, just, just,"  
"Just really in love."  
"Yeah. We couldn't keep our hands of each other, couldn't be apart, like we used to call each other every single day during our lunch breaks because we missed each other, and it's such a crazy contrast to now when I barely hear from him and he's not himself when I do."  
"It's a big change, gonna take some getting used to." Zack sympathised.

"And that's the shitty part, I keep telling myself not to get used to it because he'll be home soon and things will go back to normal, but they won't, will they?"  
"Maybe not overnight, but things will settle eventually."  
"I'm scared they won't," Debby admitted.   
"When he first moved in with us, it was because he had reached breaking point. Things got worse before they got better, he really struggled in school and dropped out, he was having horrific panic attacks and he was self harming, and it really fucking sucked for a while. But a few months later, he wasn't completely healed but he was hopeful again, it just took a while."

"He, um, he's just, uh, do you know about his brother?"  
"Jordan? I mean I know he was kind of an ass to Josh in high school? He was in my class for about 5 minutes, we never got close or anything, but literally it couldn't have been any longer than 2 weeks? He had some sort of episode, I think it might even have been a heart attack, and then next thing I know, Josh moved in with us and all the other Dun kids went off to some fancy private school,"  
"Um, yeah, yeah that's right,"

"Has something happened between him and Josh?"  
"He's sick, really sick." She explains loosely but Zack gave her time to expand. "Um, we, we went to go and see him the other day, he's, he, he lives in a hospice now, uh. He had a heart transplant that didn't go well basically, a-and he's dying."  
"Dying? Shit, how long?"  
"Any day now. They stopped his feeding tube so it won't be long, and, and," suddenly she teared up.   
"And you're scared that Josh is gonna react badly to the eventual news."  
"Yeh," she squeaked, and Zack sighed then held out his arm and she shuffled across so she could curl into his side and he hugged her close.

"You can't control this, and therefore you aren't responsible. No matter how much you wish you could, you can't protect him from this, because you can't control death. You could spend hours, days even, trying to come up with the best way to tell him, but there's no way to tell him that his brother has passed away without earning a reaction from him. In fact, it wouldn't be right, wouldn't be healthy, if he didn't react."  
"I'm just scared it will push him over the edge." Debby admitted tearfully.   
"Of course it's not going to be the easiest thing for him to cope with, but he's in the safest place for him, surrounded by professionals who have dealt with this time and time again. It's not on your shoulders to look after him."

"You know, caring for Tyler, that almost fucking broke my parents." Zack said a minute later. "He really needed to go into hospital, he was a fucking mess, but we couldn't afford it and so my parents had to become his carers."  
"Yeah,"  
"I watched what that did to them, how it tore them apart, the pressure and the stress and the strain and the constant worrying about Ty, it wore them down. They were constantly on edge, always panicking, never sleeping, fighting all the time, crying all the time. I don't know how they did it." He shared honestly, and Debby listened. "And Ty's been so strong, so brave, and him and the other alters have made so much progress, but that first year after the trauma was just pure Hell for everyone."  
"Yeah,"

"I don't want you to feel like my mom did, responsible and trapped."  
"I don't, I don't feel like that," she clearly lied.   
"And she never admitted she did either, but I could see it. So please Debby, I know you love Josh, I know you want him home as soon as possible, but you can't put too much pressure on yourself to cure him because you'll end up sick too. He doesn't need that, he needs you healthy, needs you strong."  
"It's just hard."  
"I know." He squeezed again.

"I want to make it all better for him." She cried.   
"I wanted to do the same for Ty for so long, I wanted to fix him, but now I'm not so sure I do."  
"Wh-what do you mean?"  
"Obviously I wish the trauma never happened, but their identity system, I think it's amazing." Zack couldn't help but look up at the photos again. "The human mind, it always finds a way."  
"Yeah,"  
"It's resilient, it's adaptable, it, it's more complex and more ingenious than we will ever truly know, and in the end it will always figure out a way to ensure we can carry on, yeah? Tyler's mind took a while, but it produced an incredible system. Josh's mind is a bit all over the place right now because it's scrambling around, trying to find a mechanism that works. Right now it's trying stuff out, if I scream then will that attract attention and therefore protection? If I pump loads of adrenaline through the body, will I be able to run to shelter quicker? If I hallucinate, will that show me what I want to see and calm me down? His mind is just testing ideas, and it hasn't found a solution yet, so that's why he's unstable." Zack explained his interpretation.

"And that's why we can't give him the answer, nobody can, he has to figure it out for himself. That takes time because nothing's perfect first time round, it's continually changing and evolving and improving. I mean look at Ty, he started out with just him and Andrew, and now there's 9 of them and I honestly believe that there's more, dozens more, alters to come. The coping mechanism is constantly bettering itself in order to help Tyler more effectively, and Josh's coping mechanism is bettering itself every day too. Right now it's not doing a great job, but it will, just give him time, okay? Give him time."

 

 

 

Jenna couldn't sleep, and when she couldn't sleep, she baked. Yesterday had been brownies, the day before was cinnamon rolls, and today was a good old fashioned Victoria Sponge. The cake batter was cooking in the oven, and she'd done the washing up already, so had moved onto whipping up buttercream to go alongside the jam in between the layers.

Even though it was close to 3 in the morning, she wasn't in the least bit surprised when she looked up and saw Zack join her in the kitchen. Her future brother-in-law was looking more and more like Tyler by the day, and even dressed like him recently. He wore baggy grey shorts and an old church camp tee-shirt as pyjamas, and yawned with the same dimples as Tyler.

"Morning,"  
"Is it?" He groaned a little with a smile, climbing up onto the counter and wincing at the bright light.   
"You want a glass of milk?"  
"Nah I'm alright thanks, just, couldn't sleep." Zack shrugged, then reached across and stuck his finger in her bowl of buttercream. She didn't bother protesting, knowing it was a lost cause, just gave him the entire thing then opened a drawer and got out two teaspoons before hopping up onto the counter next to him and gave him one then piled her own high with sugary butter.

"Does James know that today's the anniversary?"  
"No."  
"Are you gonna tell him?"  
"Don't think so." Jenna shook her head, and licked her spoon. "They want to go to the petting zoo."  
"Petting zoo? Oh okay," Zack ate his own spoonful.   
"Wants to hold a rabbit."  
"Think it's gonna happen?"  
"Don't think being in public, or leaving the house, is a good idea." She shook her head.

"I've got a friend from school that has met James before, she lives like 3 miles downtown, and she's got a house rabbit. If things go okay then I might ask her to bring it round in the evening."  
"That would be a nice reward for James if he manages to cope."  
"Exactly." Jenna agreed, eating yet another sickly mouthful.

"Mom wants you to know that she's at your disposal. She doesn't want to come over and crowd them if they're struggling, but if you think that her presence will help keep them calm then she's more than happy to help. And also she said you can go over to her house if you want, wherever you think's easiest."  
"Travelling is, uh, I think it's gonna be risky?"  
"So stay here?"  
"Yeh," she pulled her legs up and crossed them. "I'm not sure whether we'll need your mom or not."  
"Well she'll be on standby either way."  
"True."

"This is the longest James has ever continuously fronted, isn't it?"  
"Ohhhh yeah, by a long way."  
"Do you think it's a good thing?" Zack asked.  
"I don't trust it, I never trust any irregularities in the system,"  
"Mmm," he hummed with his spoon in his mouth.   
"James is getting way stronger, I don't doubt that, but I don't think he could do this many consecutive days without anyone backing him up from the inside."  
"And you think it might be Ty?"  
"Yeah." She nodded. "And if he's supporting James then he must be pretty close to the surface, so I'm nervous about how he's going to cope with the date."

"Do you remember last year?"  
"I wish I could forget." Jenna sighed, memories of screaming panic attacks and flashbacks and self harm attempts for the entire day.   
"I don't think we can expect them to stay calm, you know, it's inevitable they're going to get upset and panicky,"  
"Course,"  
"We just gotta keep them physically safe until it's over, well that's my priority at least."  
"Oh actually that's something your mom could help with." She realised. "We keep a pretty safe house in case Cassie fronts and has self harm urges, but we've got a few potential tools that she could store at her house? Like the knives and the scissors."  
"Sure, I'll run them over to her place in the morning." Zack nodded and she smiled appreciatively.

"You know that saying, the calm before the storm." He murmured a moment later, putting the bowl of buttercream down and turning to look at her properly. "Can't help feeling like we're sitting here, totally unprepared for the chaos to come."  
"I wanted to prepare, I wanted to sit down with Tyler and write out flawless safety plans with him to make sure that this year we can get through unharmed, but then life got too messy." She looked him straight in the eyes as she spoke. "First I had to go to Chicago for Uncle Colin's funeral, then Debby left and Josh flipped, then Josh and Tyler started arguing and it got physical and we lost Ty for a while, then Blurry came along, then the whole mediation thing with Michael popped up, and now I've been with a four year old for the last four days who can't even sit still for more than 30 seconds, let alone come up with a plan. I wanted to be ready for today, but life got in the way."

"3 hours down, 21 to go." Zack said a minute later, and Jenna felt an uncomfortable churn within her, trying to be simultaneously hopeful and realistic. She was hopeful that the day would end in James getting to play with a bunny, but realistically, deep down, she knew that it was going to be a day of screams, of tears, and probably of blood at some point.

The timer started ringing for her to take the cakes out, and the sudden noise made her jump and take a sharp breath in. Zack reached across and squeezed her hand, then she forced a smile in response, telling herself she had to stay calm. Stay calm, get on with the job, it would all be over before she knew it. Only 21 hours to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, that's right, the next chapter marks the 7th year anniversary of the abuse. I already wrote it but have decided to rewrite and include several flashbacks, and I'm halfway done.   
> If that's not a chapter you'd like to read then don't be alarmed, there won't be much impacting the main plot and I'll summarise it in the opening notes of the chapter afterwards, so you won't miss much. It won't be too ridiculously intense, but if you're perhaps slightly on the more sensitive side then this is a little warning to skip the next update xx
> 
> Stay safe guys, love you all xx


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Domestic abuse TW for this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've rewritten this as my first draft was simply a very detailed very graphic flashback, but I found it too upsetting whilst adding nothing but history to the storyline. So instead I've started over, and this chapter is set up in a sequence alternating from flashback to current day, with usually some words/actions triggering the chronological flashbacks
> 
> Instead of using the insensitive shock factor of describing a rape, my hope with this chapter was to instead show the way that the physical abuse Tyler endured actually transformed his thought processes and essentially stripped him off his sense of justice and worth and fight so he was completely controlled by his abuser. 
> 
> A triggering chapter in that regard, so if you're unable to read then comment below and I'll summarise without details and tell you the slight twist in the storyline xx
> 
> Stay safe x

"I feel like I'm not doing it right."  
"Coz you're not babe." Michael smirked from the wire cage fence he was leaning against. "Want me to show you how to do it properly?"  
"Would you mind?" Tyler asked, chucking him the basketball before getting a response, but thankfully his boyfriend joined him at the top of the key and bounced it a few times to get a feel for it.

"Alright, you play the defender," Michael gestured for where he should stand, and Tyler mopped his brow with the bottom of his shirt then stood opposite him. "What's the most important part of the crossover?"  
"Making the fake believable."  
"Right, and your fake, like it's cute and everything, but it's pretty basic and any defender is gonna see it from a mile out. This is what you always do." He explained, then lunged his left leg out but then ducked to the right and around Tyler.  
"Yeah."  
"So can you see how babyish that is?"  
"I guess." Tyler shrugged.

"You're in with the big boys now, you gotta step it up a little, start playing your age."  
"I'm trying Michael."  
"Try harder." He grinned. "Watch this, I'm going over here, oh no I'm not, boom!" He scored with a cheeky flash of his tongue, leaving Tyler in the dust and none the wiser.

"So, so I've gotta go through my legs? Low and wide?"  
"Gotta be creative, actually use that pretty little head of yours for a change, come up with a bunch of different progressions so that the defender isn't gonna laugh at you when you come up to him."

"Can I try?"  
"Sure thing baby doll." Michael tossed him the ball, and he dribbled backwards a little to give himself enough room for a a small setup, then charged at Michael and faked a left before passing the ball through his legs and managing to get straight round his boyfriend and score for himself.

"I did it!" He was actually proud of himself for the first time that session, but Michael didn't seem impressed.  
"You did what I did."  
"Exactly!"  
"No, Tyler, no not 'exactly', I told you to be creative! I said be creative!"  
"Oh, I thought you were going to teach me all the different variations so that I could have the choice, I'm, I, I didn't understand, sorry."  
"You copied me."  
"I thought that was what you wanted me to do."  
"I want you to fucking think for yourself for a change, rather than constantly copying everything I do!"  
"I'm sorry babe, I am, but I guess it's a homage to what a great teacher you are that I can pick things up from you so quickly? I mean-"  
"Shut up Tyler."  
"Sorry." He gulped.

Michael was clearly angry at him, and although the didn't totally understand why, he knew his boyfriend's mood wasn't going to be improved by Tyler probing him and demanding an explanation. So instead he went over to the fence and leant against it, leaving Michael alone on the court.

He wanted to feel angry in response, or at the very least a little miffed at his boy's reaction, but it was impossible. Tyler was in too deep. In fact a small smile crept onto his face as he watched Michael shoot and score over and over again, racing up and down the court like a man possessed, seemingly forgetting that they were there to help Tyler improve. But he supposed that inspiration was definitely one method, and if Michael was enjoying himself then so was Tyler.

"Time?"  
"Ummm," Tyler got his phone out of his bag on the floor. "Just gone 7."  
"Pretty late."  
"Yeah,"  
"Shouldn't you be getting home?"  
"I mean, I don't have to, I'm not in a rush or anything. Mom said I could stay out with you if I want."  
"Well maybe you should head back? You don't wanna miss dinner."  
"I thought we were having dinner at yours?" Tyler said as Michael continued messing around with the ball.

"Could you at least walk me home?" The younger asked when he realised that either the invitation had been retracted, or never existed in the first place. "Mikey?"  
"I told you I don't like it when you call me that."  
"Sorry babe, I just, I dunno, wouldn't it be cuter if we had nicknames for each other?"  
"I thought being gay would mean I didn't have to deal with that girly shit."  
"Sorry."

"Why do you want me to walk you home? Do you feel sick or summat?"  
"Kinda tired but not sick."  
"You live like the complete opposite way to me."  
"I know babe, forget it, don't worry, I'll walk alone,"  
"Ty, don't be sulky, it's not fair on me."  
"I'm not."  
"Your house is miles from mine, why should I have to walk all that way? You don't ever walk me home."  
"I would if you asked-"  
"Well I'm not asking because I'm not a baby, I can walk for 5 fucking minutes by myself. Can't you?! Jesus fucking Christ."

 

"James? Sweetie?" Jenna said softy, and they blinked a few more times and saw her smiling encouragingly. "Did you hear me?"  
"No."  
"I asked whether you'd like to walk with me to Zacky's room to see if he's awake?"  
"I can walk by my own! I not a baby!" James shouted in her face, and she looked a little surprised. "I NOT A BABY!"  
"No you're not, you're a big boy."  
"I WALK BY MY OWN!"  
"Okay."  
"DON'T NEED YOU!"  
"Okay."  
"I CAN DO IT!"  
"Alright sweetie, go on then." She smiled, but they didn't smile back. They were cross at her. She was mean. They not a baby.

They stomped out of the bedroom and down the hall, and the funny sounds of their feet that would usually make them giggle did not make them giggle. They stomp stomp stomped all the way down the hall thing, all the way to Zacky's bedroom, then pushed the door open.

The light wasn't on but the hallway was glowing and leaking into the room, so James could see their big bro sat up in bed. They almost said something, almost said hello, but then they saw the church shirt he was wearing and suddenly they couldn't stand up anymore.

 

  
Even though Mom had warned him it would sting, and even though he knew it always stung, he was still taken by surprise as she dabbed the alcohol soaked gauze against the wound on his eyebrow.

"Sorry baby, sorry,"  
"S'fine." He hissed through painfully gritted teeth and she wiped away some of the crusted blood on his cheekbone.  
"I think you're gonna get another black eye Ty." She sighed. "Do you want to try a steak again?"  
"Never works."  
"Ice?"  
"Maybe later."

"Hold this." Mom instructed a moment later, and he reached up with trembling fingers and took over applying pressure on a fresh square of gauze. She ripped a piece of medical tape off the roll then stuck it down for him. He still had more patching up to be done, the results of a nosebleed needed wiping away, a busted lip required caring for, and a swollen bruise forming on his jaw would have appreciated an ice pack. But neither of them rushed to do anything, just sighing and making sad eye contact. Tyler knew it was pity in her eyes, but he couldn't do anything about it. There was nothing he could do to help Michael calm down anymore except becoming an outlet for his anger.

"Hey Mom," Zack waltzed into the kitchen happily, church camp shirt proudly boasted on his chest despite returning home more than a week ago, but his air of confidence crashed when he spotted Tyler. "Oh fuck, again?"  
"I'm fine."  
"Bullshit, tell me who's did this to you Tyler."  
"Nobody."  
"Nobody?! Tyler, I don't understand why you're protecting the fucking cunt who keeps doing this!"  
"Zack." Mom sighed.  
"What?!"  
"Just, just don't swear, okay?"

"Mom, someone keeps beating up your kid! Someone has abused your child twice this week! Why don't you care?!" Zack was getting hysterical again but Tyler said nothing. He couldn't say anything. He couldn't. Michael didn't deserve to be punished for a silly mistake.  
"I do care." She replied.  
"Then do something!"  
"She does more than enough." Tyler's voice was timid. "This, this isn't, um, this is my thing to deal with."  
"No it's not Tyler, you're not alone in this, just please, tell me who it is. I'll beat them to a fucking pulp I swear-"  
"We'd contact the police for you." Mom gave the more politically correct translation.  
"Fuck that! I'll kill them!"  
"No! I don't want you to!" Tyler snapped back.

"Ty, we're just worried about you baby,"  
"You don't have to be."  
"When's she meant to not be worried? Huh? Is she meant to be relaxed when you're missing for the whole evening without so much as a text? Or when you collapse on the doorstep covered in blood and bruises a few hours later?" Zack exclaimed but Tyler felt nothing. "Just tell us who it is! Tell us who's hitting you!"  
"We only want to help babe."  
"I don't want your help." He looked down at his blood crusted nail beds. "I don't need your help. I'm fine, honest, I'm fine."

 

 

"James? James just breathe, you're okay, you're safe, it's just Zacky, you're okay." James opened their eyes and saw Zacky right in their face, and realised they had somehow ended up on the floor. They panicked, and Zacky noticed. "Hey hey hey, it's okay little guy, breathe, yeah? Deep breaths, you're okay, I think maybe you went to dreamland for a minute, but you're back now and you're safe."

"Some-some-someone hurting TyTy!"  
"Someone's hurting him? Someone in the system?"  
"Someone hurted him!" James whimpered, big round tears rolling down their face.  
"James, little guy, breathe, okay? A bad man hurt Tyler a long time ago, but now the bad man is locked up in prison, so James and TyTy and eeeverybody else doesn't need to be scared."  
"He hitted him in the eye!"  
"Yeah, that's right, the bad man was really really bad." Zacky nodded sadly. "How do you know about that bud?"  
"I, I, I, in my head! I just sawed it!"  
"Like a memory?"  
"Yes."  
"See James, that memory, it's not yours, it's TyTy's, it's not for you to be seeing or thinking about or remembering, that's something that the big guys should protect you from because you're too little to think about such sad things."  
"I thinked about it and now I sad!" James wept and cuddled into Zacky's side, even though he didn't hold his arms out for a huggie.

"Scary, isn't it?" Zacky hummed and James nodded against his chest. "Is it too scary? Do you want to go away for a little bit?"  
"Go, a-away?"  
"Yeah, go back inside the system? And maybe dissociate for a little while? Or maybe somebody else wants to come out and say hello?"  
"E-everybody scared!"  
"That's okay, it's okay to feel scared, but Zacky's gonna look after you all I promise."

"How about Willow? She looks after people, doesn't she? She likes to take care of you and take care of Ty, would she maybe like to try doing that right now? Taking over and looking after the system?" Zacky suggested but James didn't know.

Willow was busy already, inside the system was yucky and messy and really not good, and Willow was rushing around like a crazy person trying to mend everything. When James tried to ask her to pleaaase, pretty pretty pleaaaase, be the fronting alter, she said things were just too messy to leave.

He was crying and she felt guilty, but lots of people were crying and she couldn't help everyone by being at the front, she needed to stay in the hive and lend a hand wherever she could. And she knew that James couldn't keep fronting and shouldn't be forced to keep fronting, the poor boy was exhausted and utterly terrified, so she reassured him that it was okay to take a step back and she would find someone else to take the lead.

Manic was probably an understatement, meltdown was maybe a little excessive, but nobody was staying in their usual spot and everybody was acting out of character, so Willow took much longer than usual to track down Johnny, but thankfully he was being cooperative. He could be pretentious and stuck up and rude at times, but even he, an alter who didn't value feelings, could sense that today was the day that everybody had to pull together and do their part. So with only a little desperate begging on Willow's part, he agreed to take the helm.

"Has anyone done our medications yet?"  
"Meds?" Zackary queried as they shrugged their way out of his embrace, not finding the same comfort that some of the others did.  
"Yes, our medications are only truly effective when taken in compliance with their prescription, otherwise the volumes of the corresponding substances in our body will not be maintained at levels that are beneficial for our wellbeing."  
"Alright Johnny, good point, should we go find them?"  
"I don't need to find them, I know where they are precisely." Johnny stood up and quickly wiped away James's tears, then went directly to the cupboard in the hallway.

It had been Jenna's idea to keep them in there, something about it being obvious when being accessed. Her argument was that if they kept the pills in the kitchen or the bathroom then Cassie could access them and if someone caught her, she could come up with a believable excuse. However, because the hall cupboard was only used for storing medications (and Christmas decorations) it would be apparent what she was doing if she was found there. Jenna thought it was clever, Johnny could come up with far better systems. But Tyler was trying to teach him how to be more respectful of other people's ideas, and he was trying his best to use the social skills he was learning.

He missed Tyler. The host was still around, just, just different.

"Okeydokes Johnny boy, tell me what you need." Zackary smiled as he took the lid off the box and started taking out packets.  
"200mg of setraline, which equates to 4 of the pills you are currently holding." They began listing their requirements, but as soon as they caught a glance of the baby blue pill, their mind raced too fast to be stopped.

 

 

The pile of pills, baby blue pills, baby pink pills, white pills, mostly white pills, and white capsules, red capsules, white and red capsules, were at the other end of his bed. All of them, popped out of their blister packs, staring at him. So many hours of planning, so many nights scrolling through dosages online, so many trips to so many different pharmacies, so many fucking tears shed. And yet, when it came down to it, Tyler couldn't bring himself to start taking them.

This was stupid, he was being stupid, he was being irrational and hotheaded and just plain stupid. No wonder Michael hated him so much.

What would this solve? He was being so fucking stupid, he, he, yeah he got beat up a couple of times, had a few bruises, few bloody noses, few black eyes, but it wasn't the end of the world. They could still sort things out, Michael would get better, treat him better, he would. He, his knee, once his knee healed then he would calm down and he would stop being so mad and maybe if Tyler tried harder to annoy him less then maybe things would be easier in the mean time and he wouldn't get hit so much and it would all be fine.

Another sob escaped Tyler's lips. He was a fucking idiot. He was a fucking idiot! This was exactly what Jenna was always telling him off for, he was turning it on himself. She always said, what was it she always said? Something, um, something along the lines of he deserved better, something that didn't sound right to Tyler's ears.

How could he do better than Michael? Michael was amazing. He was beautiful and he was talented and he was funny and popular and smart and so so brave. The surgery and the injury itself, it was hurting him in more ways than just physical, and it was understandable that he wasn't himself at the moment. He was struggling, and, and Tyler shouldn't expect so much of him.

Then he caught sight of himself in the edge of the mirror. A black eye, another yellowing semi-healed eye, giant bloody bump distorting his eyebrow, a blue shadow tracing his left cheek bone, nostrils constantly stuffed with crusted blood, lips constantly swollen and hiding not one but two chipped teeth. He hated himself for being grateful that this week his jaw had got away with no obvious injuries.

Things had flipped so fast, it seemed like 10 seconds ago that they were hiding from rain storms under trees in fits of giggles and laughing at the fact that all of Michael's clothes drowned Tyler whenever he tried to wear them to be cute. And now, and now there were 188 pills on the end of his bed and his arms were too bruised to reach straight out for them.

He didn't know whether it was possible for tear ducts to bruise, or whether his ached because they were just so overactive. Every night he seemed to be crying for hours and hours. Tonight was supposed to be different, he was supposed to have taken the pills hours ago and slipped away into nothingness. Disappeared without a trace. And yet, and yet.

His vision was blurry through the tears but that didn't matter because Jenna's contact was easy to find. It was like he was on autopilot, hitting the phone icon below her adorable little smiling blonde profile picture. He missed that. Smiling. He missed smiling, and he missed her.

"Tyler?" She answered, not bothering to say hello. Every phone call started with a panic these days. "What happened Tyler? Did he hit you again?"  
"J-J-Jen-na,"  
"How bad? Do you need to go to the emergency room? I'll come, I, I can meet you there? Or I'll pick you up, yeah, I'll pick you up. Where are you Ty?"  
"I, I, I," he couldn't speak.  
"Are you outside his house again Tyler?" He knew she was crying already. "I, I, okay sweetie I know you're in pain but I need you to try and move off his curb, you know what might happen, he might, he might see you and come out for a second round, like last time. Please Ty, you, you need to try and get somewhere safe."

"He didn't, um, I, I didn't see him today," Tyler managed to whisper shakily. "He didn't touch me."  
"Oh thank god."  
"Jenna, I, I, shit."  
"What Tyler? What is it?"  
"I, I, I," he stammered. "I bought a-all these pills J-Jen."  
"Oh," she audibly gulped. "And do you think you might want to take them all?"  
"I think so."  
"Do you think you can be really really strong for maybe 5 more minutes? Because I'm coming Ty, okay? I'm on my way right now, I just need to swap my slippers for converse and then I'm gonna run as quick as I can and be right with you Tyler. I'm coming, and I'm gonna give you the world's biggest hug and we're gonna figure this out I promise, just keep being brave."

 

 

"JENNA! I'M BEING BRAVE! JENNA! I'M BEING BRAVE!" Tyler realised they were screaming out loud as the flashback came to an end, and they slowly slowly came to terms with the fact that they weren't in their childhood bedroom, staring down a lethal dose of medication, and were instead cowering on the floor in the hall. Zack was on one side, Jenna on the other, and she held them so tight and so close that it was simultaneously suffocating and ensuring they remembered how to breathe.

"You're so brave, you're so brave, you're so brave." She repeated over and over like a chant, stroking their hair down flat as they cried. "You're so brave,"  
"J-Je-nn-na,"  
"I'm here baby, I got you,"  
"And who are you?" Zack asked.  
"It's Ty," Jenna correctly answered of their behalf before her lips pressed against their head and holding them there whilst they sobbed.

"It's good to see you brother, really good." Zack smiled but Tyler couldn't even force one.  
"Baby you shouldn't be out, not today of all days, you shouldn't be here, it's not good for you. I get that nobody wants to front, but you have to force someone else to take your place."  
"I'll still be here tomorrow Ty, we can talk then? But for now, I think you need to swap." Their younger brother agreed with their girlfriend, but they were too overwhelmed to attempt a switch.

"Wh-wha-at's th-the t-t-i-im-me?"  
"Half past 9 in the morning baby, we've still got a long while left to go, let's not use up all your strength already. Take a break please, make someone else come out." Jenna said firmly, just like she should.

He hadn't been able to come out in time that year, but every other trauma-date planning had involved making absolutely certain that Tyler wouldn't have to front during the day. Basically the plan for his alter was to hide away in the system and hopefully become so detached from the outside world that he wouldn't be triggered. It never worked, but the alternative of facing a trigger date head-on was even more terrifying.

All the other alters were usually messes on trauma dates too. It wasn't as simple as just choosing the alter who held the least trauma, because they all bent or crumbled under the pressure and nobody, not a single one, was strong enough to holdback a flashback.

The only alter who didn't have a problem with the rape anniversary was Michael, but even though it would be less hysterical for the system, Tyler refused to unleash him on those who were there to support them. He had to face trauma, it wasn't fair to cope by potentially enforcing that same trauma on his loved ones. So even though it was the easy route, Michael couldn't even be considered as an option.

"FUCK!" Tyler cried out hysterically because momentarily the system had forgotten how torturous fronting was for him.  
"Alright baby, alright, deep breaths, you're safe I promise. Someone's gonna come along soon, someone's gonna take over, you're being so brave and I promise someone's coming to help you out, just keep breathing," Jenna hummed.

He was desperate, he needed support, he needed help, he needed protecting. More than anything, he needed sheltering, and yet nobody was there. It was like grasping at smoke. Everybody he reached out to just vanished before him, and then, just like that, he was gone again.

 

"Stop crying Tyler." Michael mumbled, voice deep and raspy, but he couldn't. It had happened again. A brief lapse in control, a momentary flash of anger, a mistake. Michael's little mistake had left his boyfriend cowering on the floor where he'd been knocked to, holding a protective cupped hand over a fresh bleeding wound on his cheek.

"Seriously, you're breathing like a fucking asthmatic who smokes 50 a day, just breathe!" He exclaimed a little more aggressively, but Tyler couldn't calm down no matter how hard he tried to be silent. "I hate when you make me do this Tyler! I hate it! And I wanna fucking move on, not be constantly fucking reminded by your incessant breathing!"  
"I'm sorry." He squeaked tearfully.  
"It's not fair you're always rubbing these outbursts in my face."  
"I'm s-sorry."  
"Overreacting like this in the moment, then parading around school with those marks all over your face. It's not fair."  
"You're right, I'm sorry," Tyler wept, feeling the pulsing of his latest scrape.

"If you know I'm right then what are you gonna do about it? How are you gonna change?"  
"I, I'll, I'll be better Michael, I'll b-behave be-et-ter."  
"And?"  
"A-and, a-a-and I, I'll, um, I'll buy ma-make up f-f-for all the br-bruis-ses."  
"Don't say all! Don't say all like there's hundreds and hundreds! Stop trying to fucking guilt trip me asshole! It's not my fault you don't have any self restraint!" Michael said completely correctly.  
"I'm s-so sorry."

"Have you got any idea how hard this is for me?!" The older sighed, shaking his head in disbelief as Tyler tried to pay attention and ignore the blood tricking down his face.  
"S-s-sorry."  
"Loving you isn't easy Tyler, you make life hard for me, you're always intentionally doing shit to piss me off and acting so insensitively and it's like you don't even care about my knee injury anymore! And yet in spite of how horrid you are to me, I love you! I forgive you! Every single time, I forgive you, and that is fucking exhausting." Michael was kind enough to share his thoughts with Tyler. "I always have to be the bigger person and honestly this doesn't even feel worth it sometimes. It feels like I'm always the one doing the loving, and you don't even put any effort into this relationship! I work so hard for you and all I ask in return is that you don't make me mad. Why can't you do that one simple task?"  
"I c-can't d-do any-th-thing."

"Be honest with me now Tyler, don't go messing me around."  
"I w-wouldn't," he sniffed.  
"Jenna." Michael growled, and Tyler's eyes shot up to meet his, petrified for whatever he was about to say. "Is she, how should I phrase this, is she jealous of our relationship? Because I ended up with you and she lost?"  
"N-n-no,"  
"Right." He sighed.

"W-why?"  
"Don't question me!" Michael screamed, standing up off the bed and terrifying Tyler so much that he involuntarily flinched away and cried harder. Luckily Michael was nice enough to let him off without punishment, and sat back down again. "In the canteen earlier, she 'accidentally' poured her water over me when she walked past."  
"Oh Michael I'm sorry, I, I a-am s-sorry," Tyler wept guiltily, knowing Jenna had done it on purpose because he was silly enough to mention his broken rib was hurting. "I'm s-s-so s-o-rr-ry."

"Come here," he held his hand out to Tyler, but he couldn't move. "Come here Tyler."  
"O-ok-kay," Tyler tried to calm down, quickly wiping his tears before getting off the floor and holding Michael's hand. The older pulled him closer then sat him on his lap, and Tyler felt so weak and so pathetic but Michael just wrapped a loving arm around him. The gesture was small but so special, and Tyler couldn't help but collapse against his boyfriend's chest and weep, sucking in his scent and praying that some of his incredible strength and resilience would wear off onto him.

"I love you,"  
"I, l-l-love y-you,"  
"And I don't ever want anything or anyone to come between us,"  
"M-me n-n-nei-th-ther."  
"Good." Michael hummed and the slight vibrations were comforting to Tyler. "So, if you're telling the truth, if you do love me, then you'll understand why I don't want you to speak to Jenna anymore."  
"Oh,"  
"She's your ex Tyler, it's not right of you to be with her all the time. It's hurtful for me to see you together, you don't want to hurt me, do you?"  
"No,"

"Do you promise?"  
"I pr-pr-prom-i-ise."  
"You promise what...?"  
"I p-prom-ise to n-never talk to J-Je-n-na again." He wiped away his tears, knowing some had mixed with the blood on his cheek but not caring. Michael still didn't look satisfied, and Tyler knew he could give more. Michael deserved more. "You, only you, I, I'll n-never p-prop-er-ly t-talk to any-o-one e-except you ever again."

 

  
"Where trouble melts like lemon drops, high above the chimney top, that's where you'll find me." Tyler came round to Jenna softly singing Lilly's lullaby and stroking their hair soothingly, and, as much as they wanted to listen, the crying sobs were uncontrollable.

"No no no no no no no NO!" They shrugged free of her and stood up, pacing down the corridor with their hands in their hair and tears down their cheeks.  
"Tyler, take your medication." Zack instructed calmly, and they looked and saw their brother had a hand extended filled with pills. Tyler took them off him and dry swallowed before Zack could offer the glass of water he'd prepared, then went straight to the cupboard and started digging around the box, desperate to find more pills. They needed more, they needed more!

"Babe," Jenna sighed as she stood up. "Babe." She said more sternly, pushing them away softly.  
"You've had all you need now guys, no more." Zack tried to explain but he was wrong.  
"What are you after babe? What would you like?"  
"Anything, please, please, anything to make them stop. They're getting faster and faster and closer and closer and it's gonna be the bad one so soon, please Jenna, please,"  
"Tyler, stop a minute, try and calm d-" Zack started saying, but Jenna, thankfully, could see that Tyler had already reached breaking point and the day was still young.

"Alright, you can have some extra diazepam, but only today, okay? And not much, maybe, urm, maybe 15mg extra, so 3 pills maximum throughout the whole day? In addition to your PRN dosages?"  
"Jenna." Zack didn't approve but Tyler was too terrified to care.  
"PLEASE!" Tyler howled, knowing another, harder, harsher flashback could start any second.  
"Here, have 1 now because you literally only just had your normal meds so all together it's gonna have a big impact, then if you still need more in 4 hours then I'll get you more." She popped out one more pill and Tyler dry swallowed it again, praying it would at least dampen things just a little. They were too fast, too detailed, too graphic.

"Where feels safe Ty? Where should we batten down until the next one?" Zack asked.  
"Josh."  
"He's, uh, um, he's not,"  
"He's at St Mary's Tyler and neither of you are well enough to see each other yet." Jenna got to the point.  
"Josh, Josh's room."  
"Feels safe?" She finished their sentence for them. They nodded shakily through the tears and so she extended a hand towards them, and they just about felt okay enough to hold it and let her lead them through the apartment.

"Where are you up to?" She asked softly, a whisper, as if she was scared to ask.  
"When he made us stop talking." Tyler could barely breathe at they settled onto Josh and Debby's bed. They didn't know where Debby was, but they didn't particularly care at that moment in time.

"Okay, right, so we're maybe a month out, do you think the attack might be the next one? Or one after?"  
"Don't know."  
"Did anything else happen, anything major, before the day?" Zack took his turn to ask. Internally people were screaming, some angrily, some terrified, some simply swept up in the hysteria. Andrew was spitting out reels of how many times Tyler had been punched during that month and Johnny was explaining how Tyler had lost his sense of justice and therefore no longer fought for better treatment and was indoctrinated in Michael's ideas of a relationship. Michael was laughing.

"There was the day he knocked you out and you ran away to come and see me? That was a big day, a turning point." Jenna suggested. "And Tyler, if you have that flashback, I'm not saying you will, but if you do, remember that that was the day you decided to break up with him, which is a positive that you have to focus on. You were so brave-"  
"STOP! STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM!" Tyler screamed before sobbing again, and Jenna simply cradled them whilst Zack started speaking again.

"You're doing a great job Ty, you all are, but I think it's time for someone else to come and front now. You've had enough."

 

  
"Have you had enough yet Ty? HAVE YOU?!" Michael screamed as Tyler scuttled away desperately until his back slammed into the wall. He cursed it for putting his escape attempt to a sudden end. "HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH?! OR DO YOU NEED ME TO HIT YOU AGAIN!"  
"Enough, enough!" He squeaked between the tears, lightheaded dizziness threatening to steal his grasp on consciousness.

"You're a fucking JOKE!" Michael literally spat on him, then turned away in disgust and nursed his bruising knuckles whilst Tyler whimpered, too afraid to even try and sit up. It was his own fault, he deserved it, he never should have disrespected Michael and he was so blessed that his boyfriend was merciful enough not to kill him. Just a few more bruises as a simple deterrent to add to the collection. Maybe one day he'd finally learn.

"Yo, Michael, s'going on? Can hear you yelling from half way down the street." Ryan, Michael's little brother, entered the bedroom and didn't seem phased by the bloody crumpled mess in the corner. "Hey Ty."  
"Don't fucking say hello to him, he spoke to Jenna. Again."  
"Seriously dude? Come on, don't mess my brother round like that."  
"I told him, didn't I Ryan? I told him, don't go fucking talking to that bimbo, and what did I see when I went through his phone. 3 fucking text messages to her in a single week!" Michael shared Tyler's crimes and he sobbed guilty. He deserved punishment. He deserves this.

"Want me to have a little 'word' with her? Let her know that nobody crosses a Hilton?" Ryan offered. "I've got biology class with her tomorrow, I'll pull her aside afterwards, show her who she's messing with-"  
"No!" Tyler cried out and immediately regretted it as both the brothers glared at him. For a brief second he thought Ryan was going in for his first punch of the evening, but instead Michael's steel capped boot landed itself in Tyler's ribs and he choked on pain then keeled over and laid flat on the floor involuntarily.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! She is your ex, she's your ex!" Ryan agreed with what Michael always said, and Tyler just cried because he knew he was in the wrong and he knew he was selfish and he knew he deserved to be hurt again but genuinely wasn't sure he could physically take anymore. But of course Michael knew best, and kicked him again.

"He's got no respect for me." Michael told his brother, but it wasn't true, it wasn't! Tyler loved him with all his heart.  
"It's just rude, you're fucking rude Tyler."  
"And he doesn't even care enough to attempt an apology!" The older exclaimed and Tyler wished he could find the words in time but his swollen jaw was refusing to cooperate. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice was whispering that it was probably broken, but he ignored it. Michael wouldn't do that to him.

"I don't get why he does it. I mean she's just some dumb slut, she could do with someone putting her in her place." Ryan smirked because he knew Tyler would react, but still he couldn't not play along.  
"No! Please!" Tyler begged, large volumes of blood spraying from his mouth with the harsh first syllable of the second word. Michael saw, but only looked disgusted. And so he should, Tyler was disgusting.

"Tyler you've got to get your fucking act together because Michael's given you so many chances, and if I were him then I'd be so fucking done with you and your pathetic little stunts, it's only because he loves you so fucking much that he puts up with your shit. Don't take advantage of that." Ryan acted like he was attempting to give good advice, but Tyler didn't care for him, only his brother, who looked away bitterly when Tyler tried to make eye contact.

"Anyway, just came in to say that Dad's gonna get me a pizza on the way home from work, you want anything?"  
"Nah I'm good." Michael said in a quiet voice, his own bloody bruised hands on his hips.  
"You sure? Not even cookie dough or something?"  
"Not hungry."  
"See what you're doing to him Tyler? You're fucking ruining him." Ryan just sighed, then left the room and consequently left the couple alone together.

Tyler tried to prop himself up but everything hurt too much, and his first attempt resulted in him collapsing back down again in a sobbing heap, but after a moment of gulping down the pain, he tried again and just about succeeded. He leant his pulsing skull against the wall, head tilted back in swollen agony, and could just about make out his boyfriend sat on his double bed through his two puffy black eyes.

"He's right you know." Michael said a minute later. "It's because I love you, that's why I fight so hard for this relationship to succeed."  
"I love you," Tyler's words were slurred but he couldn't fix it. He could barely breathe. Maybe he had a punctured lung again.  
"Then why don't you act like it Ty? Why can't you just show me some respect, a tiny little scrap of respect, that's all I ask for. That's not too much, is it?"  
"No,"  
"I'm worth that, aren't I?"  
"Yesss,"  
"And you want to make this work, don't you?"  
"Yesss," his bitten tongue got stuck on the sound again.  
"We're going to be together forever, aren't we?"  
"Y-yess,"  
"You won't ever leave me, will you?"  
"No," Tyler tried to shake his head with that one but it was a mistake, a dreadfully painful mistake.

"So you don't need Jenna, do you?"  
"No."  
"And you're going to stop communicating with her, aren't you?"  
"Ye-esss."  
"You're not lying to me this time, are you?"  
"No."  
"You know that I deserve better than you and than this, don't you?"  
"Yes."  
"So you appreciate how lucky you are to have me?"  
"Yes." Tyler nodded that time, again painful, this time worth it.

"I love you."  
"Iloveyou," the gaps didn't come in his struggle to stay awake with all the pulsing and swelling and spinning and swimming.

"Come on, come here," Michael encouraged softly, holding a hand out towards him that was too far to be of any help. Tyler attempt to shuffle forwards a little, knowing standing was out of the question, but could barely move through the pain. However, Michael still reached out and Tyler felt so wanted by the amazing man in front of him that he pushed down all the nerve signals screaming for him to throw up or collapse, he had to ignore them. Michael wanted him, and that was all that mattered.

"That's it," the older sighed when Tyler finally reached him, not climbing up onto the bed next to him but simply slouching against his lower legs. His head was swollen and bloody and it hurt so much to press it against Michael's knee, but it was worth it for the sheer ecstasy that accompanied the sensation of him running his hand through Tyler's hair softly. This was what he lived for.

"I don't want to hurt you Ty,"  
"You don't hurt me, you, you improve me."  
"Exactly." A soft peck was planted on his crown, and a huge smile crept up his cheeks.

 

"Deep breaths Ty, deeep breaths, deeper if you can, just focus on your breaths, it's coming to an end now, it's over, you're back with us and you're safe, just breathe," Zack brought them back from the flashback with hushed deep tones, and Tyler hurriedly blinked away the tears and darted their head around the room in a panic.

"Jen?"  
"She had to step outside for a minute, you got quite upset in that flashback, started screaming and begging for him not to hurt her and saying you'd take her place and to hit you instead. She got choked up, so she's getting a drink and calming down. You need to calm down too." He explained.

The tone was a little on the patronising side and Johnny wasn't happy about it, ranting about his superior intellect, but everyone else was so grateful and so thankful and so desperate for any display of kindness and patience and understanding. Even those Zack wasn't holding out his hands as an offer, Tyler shifted round then collapsed against their brother's chest. They needed a hug. Tyler needed a hug.

"You're doing so good Ty, you're doing so good," Zack stroked their hair whilst holding them close. "But I think it's time to let another alter come out and take a turn."  
"No."  
"No?"  
"No."  
"Come on Ty, try for me brother, have a go at letting someone else take the next hour or so, just to give you a break."  
"No." Tyler insisted tearfully. "No, nobody else, no, not this year."  
"Why not?"  
"Because!" They exclaimed, but Zack's eyes said he needed more.

"Because, because it's not their fault! It's none of their fault! It's me, it was all me, it was me who cheated on Jenna and it was me who dated Michael and it was me who went back to him every time he was violent and it was me who fucked up! It was because of me!"  
"It was not your fault Tyler Robert Joseph."  
"It wasn't theirs! Why, wh-why should they have to deal with my flashbacks?!"  
"Why should you have to?" Zack countered.  
"Because it happened to me! Because I was raped, they're my flashbacks to have!"

"I think you're making a mistake. I think trying to do this alone when you've got alters to lean on is a mistake."  
"It's my mistake to make!"  
"And our mess to clean up! Tyler, we're barely half way through the morning, the flashbacks are inevitably gonna get worse, you're gonna get tired, this is gonna get harder. Please, I think you've done an amazing job of dealing with what's come already, but I don't think you're strong enough to go the whole day without hurting yourself and I can't stand to see that happen. So please, Ty, please, step back?"

Tyler tried really hard to focus on Zack's voice above the rest, but the other voices in his head were screaming or shouting or crying or laughing and it was too much. Much, much too much. So many voices in his head and in a sudden burst of anger, his fists started pummelling against his temples, pounding, pounding over and over again in spite of Zack's attempt to soothe him.

This was his body, his, not for anybody else to control or possess. Not Andrew or Johnny or James or Cassie or any of the other psychotic voices he heard and most of all it was not for Michael. His body was not for Michael. And yet, and yet, with no permission, with no approval, with no consent, Michael had taken Tyler's body for himself.

"Tyler, stop, stop it," Zack tried to protect their head, tried to hold back Tyler's fists, but they were determined and hysterical. A lethal combination. "Jenna! JEN!"

Hitting didn't help, but neither did sitting idly and waiting for the next wave to strike, so maybe, maybe if Tyler hit hard enough then he'd hit the memories straight out or maybe he'd hit hard enough to knock them out indefinitely. He prayed for the latter and that they'd never wake.

"Baby, baby," Jenna's voice cut through the noise, but Tyler couldn't stop. "Okay, enough now, time to stop smacking and try holding my hands instead, can you do that for me baby? Hold my hands?"

Tyler really wanted to, he really wanted to be held by her and sheltered by her and protected by her, but it was too late. Much too late.

"Baby that's enough." She insisted firmly that time, and Tyler screeched as she forced her fingers around their wrists and pulled them down from their face.  
"Deep breaths Ty, in and out,"  
"Zack's right, just gotta focus on those breaths, don't think about the rest, don't think about anything at all except for those breaths. In and out." Jenna murmured quietly whilst gently easing their tight fists open and sliding her fingers between theirs, intertwining and squeezing softly. Even though Tyler was still uncontrollably angry, they refused to potentially hurt Jenna and so lost the tension in their hands, simply letting her win as they cried.

"You're safe, you're okay Ty, you're safe, just breathe babe."  
"I can't do this anymore, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!"  
"It's so hard, but you can do this, you can,"  
"I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE! PLEASE! PLEEAASSE!"  
"Oh Ty," Jenna squeezed their hands again as they wept. "You're okay baby, you're okay."

 

 

 

Tyler was sat on his bed, staring passively out of the window opposite but truly zoning out and thinking of nothing. He did that a lot recently, it was easier than thinking about, well, other things.

Michael wasn't one of those things. Michael was easy to think about, he was amazing, brave, smart, strong, so strong. So, so strong. And Tyler loved him, it was just the rest he didn't think of.

"Ty honey? Ty, it's me, can I come in?" Mom said from behind his closed door. He didn't grant her permission but she entered anyway. "Hey you, how you feeling?"  
"Good." A whisper escaped his swollen and bloody lips, his gaze not breaking with the window pane as she sat next to him on the mattress. From the edges of his peripheral vision he could see that her body language was turned towards him, but he made no effort to turn himself in response.

"Ty will you look at me please poppet?" Her velvet voice sliced through the silence, and her slightly shaking hand stroked his hair. The hair was covering a swollen and bloody lump, and Tyler winced, then turned to look in her tear filled eyes.

"We need to talk about this now, okay? This, this has been going on for weeks now, months even, and I, we, need to work this out, fix this, okay? Will you help me fix this?"  
"I'm okay." The lie was routine.  
"Tell me who it is Ty, tell me who hurts you like this baby."  
"I'm okay."  
"You're not okay."  
"I'm okay."  
"Ty be honest, it's Michael, isn't it?"  
"What?! No! No no no no! It's not Michael Mom!" Tyler became animated for the first time in, well, days. He didn't need to be animated and involved anymore because he didn't care, he didn't care about anything except Michael. "It's not him, he, he's my boyfriend! I love him! I need him! He wouldn't ever hurt me Mom."  
"Shhh, shh, okay baby, calm, calm." She attempted to settle him down, flat open palms gesturing towards the floor in hope of soothing him.

"I only took a stab in the dark because I know you see him a lot. But if it's not him-"  
"It's not."  
"If it's not him hitting you, who is it sweetheart? Who is it?"  
"You, y-you don't know them." Tyler lied. Lying was natural.  
"Do you? Do you know their name or names? Do you know who they are and why they hurt you?"  
"It doesn't matter."  
"It does."  
"You don't know them!"  
"Does Michael?" She asked but he didn't respond. "Why doesn't he protect you Ty? Do you keep it a secret from him like you do from us?"

"I'm okay."  
"You get beaten up every single day Tyler."  
"I'm okay."  
"You are not okay."  
"I'm okay."  
"Stop it! You are not okay young man! You're not! You're beaten and you're bruised and, a-and what's worse is that you don't even seem to care Tyler! You're not fighting back, you're not upset, you're not scared, you're not angry, Tyler, you're not even trying to do anything to stop this person, are you? Are you?!"  
"I LOVE HIM!" Tyler couldn't help but scream, then retreated back inside himself again.

"It's Michael, isn't it? It's him." Mom whispered, wiping away trickling tears.  
"No."  
"Tell me the truth, please."  
"It's not him." Tyler said quietly. "It's, it's, it's because of him, it's because I love him."  
"What do you mean baby? You can tell me."  
"There's these boys, they, um, they, they saw me with Michael, kissing Michael, and now they wait for me after school. It's them, they're the ones who hurt me." A lie to protect his boyfriend was worth it, no matter the trust lost with his mother.

"They bully you because you're gay?" She cried. "Oh baby,"  
"I'm pan."  
"I know, I know, sorry, but, b-but it's because-"  
"Yes."  
"Oh baby," the line was repeated again, and then out of nowhere her arms appeared and wrapped around him. It didn't mean anything, her hug didn't mean anything, it just, it, it was inconvenient and rather on the painful side.

"We can sort this, we are going to sort this Tyler Robert. We'll tell school and make sure they're aware, and I'll change my shifts so I can pick you up straight from the gates and you won't have to walk past them, and, a-and, and we'll change your school if we need. We'll get the police involved Tyler! Yeah! We'll get you justice I swear poppet, I won't let them touch you again."

Founded on a bedrock of lies, the apparent epiphany that supplied the solution to his mother meant nothing. None of this meant anything. The only thing that meant something to Tyler anymore was Michael. He needed Michael.

"I'm sorry I haven't protected you better baby, I'm sorry I let you down and allowed you to get hurt like-" he interrupted her guilty tears.  
"Can you leave please?"  
"Huh?" She sat up, releasing him and wiping her cheeks.  
"I'd like some privacy please."  
"Why?"  
"I need to call Michael."  
"Michael? Honey, he'll wait, we need to finish talking about this first. You need to tell me more about who these boys are."  
"Please Mom, I need to speak to him, I, he's, he. He understands what I'm feeling, he knows, he gets it. I need him."  
"Hmm," she sighed, and he could tell her protective possessive instincts were flaring.  
"Please."  
"10 minutes, yeah? 10 minutes then I'm coming back and you're gonna give me a full description of the a-holes who keep hurting my baby."

He knew she wanted more from him, he knew she expected him to react, to care, to feel, but he didn't. And he couldn't summon the energy to fake.

"I'm just going to wait in Dad and my bedroom, okay darling? If you need me, if you need anything, you come get me, yeah?" Her voice sounded scared but Tyler knew he couldn't remedy her turmoil so didn't even attempt to. He simply watched as she stood up with pained eyes fixed on him, then walked out of his room and left him alone with his phone.

Michael had suggested it would be in Tyler's best interest to cut all of the distractions and negativity from his life, so had helpfully deleted all of his other phone contacts for him. It meant it was quick and easy to find the only number for the only person who really mattered to him anymore.

"Michael? Hey,"  
"Who is this?"  
"It's me, it's Tyler, hello," Tyler smiled to himself, filled with warmth from the sound of his love's sweet voice.  
"What do you want?"  
"I just, I, I, I want to see you,"  
"Well I'm busy."  
"Oh, sorry, I'm so so sorry,"  
"Try asking politely."  
"Sorry, yes, of course, I, um, please Michael, please, if you could possibly find a spare moment then I'd really appreciate seeing you at some point, if you'd like to that is."  
"Depends, are you gonna behave this time?" Michael asked and sent shudders down Tyler's spine. Recently he'd been so bad, so so bad, and thankfully Michael was always there to help him out and discipline him and turn him into a better person, but Tyler was ashamed of how often he let him down.

"I'll behave, I promise."  
"Promise?"  
"Promise."  
"Okay. I'll pick you up in 5."  
"Ah, well, my mom, she wants to talk-"  
"Do you want to meet up or not?!" He sounded angry. Tyler flinched.  
"I do I do, I'm so sorry, I do."  
"5 minutes, end of your path. Don't keep me waiting."

 

 

"We'll let go if you calm down Tyler, but you have to calm down, you have to calm down. Breathe slowly, breathe deeply, stop fighting us." Jenna's voice was authoritative but strained, and Tyler came to the realisation that they were being restrained by the pair, and instantly knew they'd been attacking themselves during the flashback. Andrew was furious, blaming Tyler for potentially hurting Jenna in the process, but Tyler was too hysterical to feel guilty.

"Deep breaths Ty, in 2 3 4, out 2 3 4," Zack's voice was slightly calmer but was male and therefore threatening, and Tyler screamed.  
"Baby baby, shhh, we'll let go, yeah? We're gonna let go, but you're not allowed to scratch yourself," Jenna said anxiously, then slowly the grips on their arms were released, and Tyler sobbed desperately whilst hugging their knees close to their chest.

"You're safe, the bad flashback is over and you did so so well, you're safe,"  
"IT'S NOT! IT'S NOT OVER!" Tyler balled. "WE'RE STILL 3 DAYS AWAY!"  
"Hush baby, shh, it's okay, maybe the bad one isn't going to happen this year then-"  
"It's next! IT'S NEXT!"  
"Tyl-"  
"ENOUGH! ENOUGH ALREADY! I GIVE UP! ENOUGH! NO MORE! ENOUGH!" They screamed at God more than anyone.

"You're right. You've had enough. Time for someone else to front."  
"NO! ME! IT HAS TO BE ME!"  
"Tyler you're wrong, it doesn't have to be you baby,"  
"You've been punished more than enough for something you never should have been punished for at all." Zack agreed with her. "You've put yourself through Hell. Now's the time to stop this silly little blame game and start thinking rationally. You cannot cope. Find a system member who can."

As much as Tyler was desperate to hold onto the front seat, he was weak and his grasp was feeble. He'd used his energy too soon, and it was up to somebody else to take over. Everyone hurried to hide away, to prove they were too weak too, desperate not to be the one to endure the full weight of all their pain, and Tyler was too drained and too terrified to try and coax anyone out. Only one person stepped forwards. Michael.

"Alright slut, you can leave me the fuck alone now. Playtime's over." Michael hissed at Jenna, who was fussing over Tyler's scratched forearm. The fear was evident in her eyes as they met Michael's, who simply laughed.


	29. Chapter 29

"Okay thank you everyone, that's all from me, have a good day. Oh, and can Josh and Steph stay behind please." Dr Cooper finished his morning announcement and everyone streamed out of the room to head towards their room for the 20 minutes break after breakfast they got before sessions started. Of course Josh was cut off from the group. Again. Isolated. Again.

"Steph, am I right in thinking there's been some sort of change of plan regarding your leave today?" Dr Cooper addressed the other patient first, and Josh just sat back down at the table he'd been pretending to eat at, glowing with jealousy.

"Yeah, my mom's coming at 3 rather than 4 because she has dinner plans."  
"Alright not a problem, you've still got 2 hours so just make sure you're back by 5, okay?"  
"Okay."  
"Good luck and enjoy yourself."  
"I will thank you," she smiled, then left the room with a slight bounce in her step.

"And Mr Dun, what do you think I want to talk to you about?" Dr Cooper asked as he sat down next to him, but Josh wasn't in the fucking mood for his shit. Instead he just put his crossed arms on the table and rested his head on them. "Sally said you refused to see your visitor yesterday, what was that all about?"  
"Nothing."  
"Nothing hey? Debby came all this way to see you and you point blank refused to go in the room with her, that doesn't sound like nothing to me."  
"Didn't want to see her."  
"You didn't want to see her?"  
"STOP FUCKING REPEATING EVERYTHING I SAY!" Josh suddenly screamed angrily, then slapped a plastic cup of water off the table so it spilt everywhere, the cup rolling in a little circle after it collided and bounced off the ground.

"I've asked her not to come today, but she's coming tomorrow so what can we do to make it a bit easier for you to be able to talk?"  
"I don't want to."  
"Why not?"  
"Because I hate her."  
"I thought you were in love?"  
"You think you know everything, you and your fucking pretentious waistcoats. Newsflash, you're just a prick and I want you to fuck off."

"Your dad might come and visit today, are you going to be alright with that? Is it just an issue with Debby? Or with all visitors?" He ignored the insults, much to Josh's annoyance.  
"I don't want to see them! Any of them!"  
"Why not?"  
"I just don't!"  
"See, I don't like dark chocolate, I just don't. We use the word 'just' for something small, something hardly worth bothering to explore, however I reckon it's probably worth exploring why you've suddenly had such a strong change of heart regarding speaking to your own family. Josh, that's not something you can simply dismiss. And if it's something you'd rather talk to me about in the more private area of my office, then we can move, and if you explain to me that you don't want to see them because you've not been sleeping well and you need the rest, then that's okay, I'm cool with that, but no explanation is simply not good enough, and I won't let you get off that easily."

"He doesn't get too see anyone, so neither should I."  
"He? Who's he?"  
"Doug." The word dripped with guilt.  
"Doug's no longer a service user here, he-"  
"You sent him away because of me!"  
"Not because of you, because he wasn't safe-"  
"It's my fault you sent him away!"  
"No it's not Josh."

"He, he, he doesn't get to see his family for 3 months Adrian! 3 months!"  
"So, what? So you're going to put that same restriction on yourself? Who does that benefit exactly?"  
"It's what's fair."  
"Does it help Doug?"  
"It's. What's. Fair." Josh growled.

"He is very unwell Josh, very very sick, and he's been in hospital for a long time and will most likely continue to be in the system for many years to come. You don't want to follow in his footsteps do you?"  
"Don't care."  
"See, it was my understanding that you've got hopes to start a family with Debby - get married, have kids maybe? That's going to be quite difficult if you're hospitalised and refusing to see anyone."  
"Let me out then. Let me out let me out LET ME OUT!"

"Your dad's going to be here at about 3pm," Dr Cooper continued without flinching, so Josh just covered his face with his hands again and sighed. "And he wanted me to let you know that Jordan's still fighting, he's still hanging on, but for that reason your mother has decided to stay with him rather than come and see you today."  
"Pff, bullshit was she ever gonna come." Josh mumbled, sobering in time a little when he realised that screaming wasn't getting him anywhere. Additionally the reminder of his brother's dire condition was grounding. He still felt angry, but he was too drained to voice it, and had plenty of other emotions washing around to elect as lead instead.

"Well we knew it was a long shot, didn't we?" The psychologist sighed, suddenly seeming more human. "We can try again to convince her, but right now we need to focus on Dad."  
"I call him Father."  
"I noticed." He said whilst running his fingers above his top lip briefly. "Would you like me to refer to him as Father too? Or would you like some help to feel comfortable enough for you to call him Dad?"  
"Me call him Dad? Why?"  
"It's generally considered a fonder term; have you always called him Father or did it start after you left home?"  
"Always."  
"Oh okay, that's alright then."  
"Just traditional I guess." Josh shrugged a little then sniffed and pulled his legs up close to his chest.

"Were you quite a traditional family before your brother's premature birth?"  
"I dunno about, uh, about traditional - traditional upper class I guess? We had nannies and chefs and stuff," Josh's voice was deeper and slightly husky from his outbursts. "Back at Weston, that was my first school, the school I was mostly at, private school."  
"I remember." Dr Cooper encouraged him.  
"Yeah, at Weston it was the norm, everyone was raised by a nanny. Then at Liberty, my other school, but only for like 5 seconds,"  
"Where you met Tyler?"  
"Yeah that's the one. Literally nobody else was raised by staff, just me."  
"And what was that like?"  
"At the time it was kinda shitty, like, really shitty. I didn't understand how well off I was and so I felt really spoilt and ignorant once I realised."

"Well off is an interesting phrase." Adrian said a moment later, and Josh shrugged.  
"Just the polite version of saying I was rich,"  
"It does mean wealthy, but it also means in an advantageous position. Did you feel that way?"  
"Yes, I had my baseball career ahead of me and money to fund a plan B if it didn't work out."  
"And that's all you needed?"  
"At the end of the day, yeah, I guess it was."  
"What about emotional support?"  
"I had Joel."  
"Joel? Remind me?"  
"Chef."  
"Oh yeah, of course, Joel Lodge, he wants to come a visit at some point, I remember you telling me about him."  
"Yeah." Josh wasn't sure what to say, just squeezed his legs again.

"So you had your access to money and your baseball coaching from your father, and your emotional support from Joel - who do you see as more of a paternal figure?"  
"My actual father." Josh said, and Adrian was about to expand, but he beat him to it. "Only because of age though. Joel was more like a big brother because he's such a close age to me, other than that, I guess he kinda was a dad to me? He looked after me, made sure I was eating and sleeping and not training too hard and did his best to keep me happy."  
"Yeah," a soft smile was on the therapist's face.  
"He took good care of me."

"Baring that in mind, how do you feel about your father right now? Obviously there was some mistreatment, some cruelty even, which lead to you running away, so are you angry that he couldn't be more like Joel?"  
"He, um, he, he did care about me, my father, he does care, he just showed it differently to Joel. He wanted what was best for me, and did his best to make it happen rather than ask me if it was what I wanted."  
"Right,"  
"The cruelty only came in towards the end. There was obviously a slight neglect for most of my life, but he only turned mean after I won state championships but couldn't feel proud of myself. He got mean because he thought he was helping me to do something that would make me happy, but in fact it made me anxious and he didn't understand. Rather than admit he didn't understand, he just became defensive and hostile, and that's when the viciousness came out. And I think that comes back to his childhood, he, um, my grandparents, they taught him that not understanding something is stupid, and stupidity doesn't lead to success, and my father is obsessed with success. I think that's why he never admitted that he didn't understand why I became so self conscious and overly critical practically overnight - because he's never not succeeded."

"That's amazing Josh."  
"Huh?" He looked up.  
"That analysis - that's extremely insightful and very well rounded."  
"I've had a while to stew over it." Josh brushed off the compliment.  
"Have you over spoken to him about it?"  
"About what?"  
"Why you weren't happy after you won state championship?"  
"No, um, I, uh, I don't really understand it myself, so I never bothered trying to explain something that I couldn't summarise in words."  
"We can work on that together if you like, talk about it and how you might share your feelings in our next session?"  
"Yeah, that, uh, that would be good. Thanks."  
"No worries." Dr Cooper lifted his hand and waved it through the air casually. Josh had never been good at talking with his hands.

"So your father, you'll be okay with him visiting later?"  
"Do you know what he wants to talk about?"  
"I think he just wants to see you Josh, I think he's worried about you and wants to know if he can help in anyway."  
"He doesn't want to help."  
"He admitted you Josh, he wanted to put you in a place where you'd be safe and able to recover. That's him showing he's trying, isn't it?"  
"I wanted to murder a guy that I hallucinated, and he couldn't be bothered to deal with me so sent me away."  
"I don't think that's how he would see it, but this is the kind of discussion you can have with him later today if you'd like. Alternatively, you don't have to talk about anything heavy, or you don't have to see him at all. It's up to you." Dr Cooper said, but Josh didn't reply because he didn't know what he wanted.

"Thank you Josh."  
"For?"  
"Sitting and talking with me for a lil while. I know you weren't very happy with me to begin with, and I understand you're sacrificing your free time before your first session for me, and I'm really appreciative that you haven't tried to rush away. Of course the hour of CBT we do is really important and hopefully beneficial for you, but I want you to understand that whenever I'm in St Mary's, I'm at your disposal. If you ever want to talk, maybe not even about heavy stuff, just silly little things to keep you occupied, then we can do that, yeah?"  
"You're always so busy though."  
"I do have a tendency to run around like a headless chicken, I know, but I'm your head of care, I'm not everyone's, I'm yours Josh. Every patient is assigned a head, and you share me with 2 others. Quite often I do jobs for other service users and other members of staff, but if it's between you and a patient who's under somebody else's guidance then you take priority. So yes, you have to share me with Kevin and Lucy, but you don't have to share me with everyone."

"I feel silly coming to you though,"  
"Silly? Why's that?"  
"Everyone else here is sick, seriously sick, and the main reason I get so upset is just because I miss Debby."  
"You're sick as well Josh, the hallucinations, remember?"  
"No no, I know, but like, yesterday for example,"  
"Go on?"  
"I really wanted to see Debby, I really really wanted to, but I felt so guilty about Doug not being able to have visitors that it felt like I had no choice but to deny myself her visit."  
"Right,"  
"Then afterwards I couldn't stop crying because I love her so much and I just wanted to see her so so badly, and I was hoping you'd call her up and see if I could just rearrange and have my visit a bit later instead, but I couldn't find you for ages. When I finally did, you were with Kevin and he was hysterical and you and Gary were restraining him on the floor and he was screaming and screaming. My feelings felt so stupid and insignificant in comparison to what Kevin must have been going through."

"Josh, there's no such thing as an insignificant emotion, okay? Doesn't exist. You've only been here with us for 2 weeks, so you probably haven't heard me say that often enough for it to be drilled into you just yet, but ask anyone who's been with us a while, it's somewhat a catchphrase of mine. No emotion is insignificant." Dr Cooper leaned against the breakfast table.

"Little snippets of emotional information like that are so important to not only my understanding of your thought processes, but also your own. As important as it is to talk about the past and how those experiences have shaped who you are today, in many ways it's even more important to talk about what's going on right now, because we can actually do something about it."  
"Yeah,"  
"So next session, we'll work on how to explain your emotions to your dad, and we'll also work on identifying feelings in the moment."  
"Okay,"

"You're doing a really good job though Josh."  
"Am I?"  
"Absolutely you are, yes. When we first met, you thought I was an assassin hired to kill someone who was threatening your girlfriend. Not only have you managed to come to terms with the fact that those thoughts weren't rational, but you've also started to trust me and share with me. That's a huge improvement. And I know you want to go home Josh, I know you do, you've just got to keep working with me and engaging, and you'll be home before you know it."

 

 

  
Tyler couldn't stop shaking. Technically he didn't have control of the body and so couldn't physically express his trembling from the curled up corner of their internal world, but he knew he was shaking. Time had no sense of passing whilst cowering in their headspace, so he had no idea whether Michael had been fronting for minutes or for years, all he knew was that he was afraid, very very afraid.

Just over 6 months ago the system had developed a new alter, Henry, and nobody outside of the system knew. Tyler barely knew in fact. All he had recognised was an unfamiliar feeling in the system, unable to put a name or a face or a trait to it, until today.

Henry was 8. He was 8 years old at that moment but could age slide from a toddler right up to about 12 years, although, Tyler wasn't exactly sure how he knew that, because Henry also didn't speak. He was silent, he didn't ever speak, and he never wanted to leave the headspace. Henry was Tyler's first insider.

They'd never met before, but as Tyler screamed and fled from the trauma date and the horrifically graphic flashbacks and the vicious alter, screamed and ran for his life, eventually he ran so far from the surface that he reached a cupboard in the very back of their internal world and climbed inside, only to find the young boy hiding in there too.

He lived in the cupboard, he lived with his legs constantly pulled close to his chest and his chin hovering just above his bony grazed knees, and his eyes open wide and wary. When Tyler scrambled into the cupboard, Henry looked across at him for a brief second, slightly startled, but as soon as Tyler closed the door after himself, Henry went back to spying through the crack and breathing shallowly.

Tyler went very quickly from wanting to vomit because he was crying so hard and felt so disgusting, to suddenly feeling incredibly anxious. There was a little boy hiding in his headspace, and he had no idea. He watched the new alter through tear-blurred eyes, observing as the youngster flinched at any echo of a distant voice from the rest of the system far away, nervously gulped every so often, and blinked several times a second but occasionally squeezed his eyes tightly shut for a moment longer than usual. The young boy was petrified too.

Thoughts were incoherent and scattered, and Tyler didn't know what to do. He didn't want to leave the cupboard, it wasn't safe out there, but he dripped with guilt at the idea that he was triggering Henry by invading his hiding place. But thinking about invading personal space was all it took for Tyler to be reminded of the trauma, and just like that he was screaming again.

Once again, time had no sense of passing, Tyler had no reference as to how long he was screaming, all he knew was that it wasn't a choice to stop, it was a necessity. His lungs were burning and his throat felt like it was bleeding, and no matter how hard he pushed, no more sounds were formed by his efforts. All he could do was silently weep.

Meanwhile, Henry sat silently, opening his eyes once Tyler finally finished his outburst. The explosive sound had taken him by surprise and scared him a little, but he knew that Tyler wasn't a threat, he was just a bit broken, so went back to watching the crack for danger from the outside.

To say Tyler was calming down felt wrong, he didn't feel calm, the howling had stopped but he didn't feel calm. How could he? Outside the thin wooden walls of the tiny box lived a herd of alters that were all hysterical and at the mercy of a rapist. And that rapist was controlling the body, and most probably controlling externals too, manipulating them with fear and threatening them into submission. Tyler only wept harder at the idea of Jenna having to manage M. What if he hurt her the way he hurt him? What if he broke her the way he broke him?

The only thing stopping Tyler from clawing himself until he bled enough to forget the nightmare he was trapped in, was Henry. Henry, little Henry, the tiny, frail, fragile little boy who he shared the confined space with. He couldn't breakdown, he couldn't tear himself apart, not in front of a child.

"Henry?" Tyler mouthed, but the boy didn't react. "Henry?" He called out again, but still the alter's arms remained fixed around his bruised shins and his eyes remained fixed on the tiny gap through which a slither of light crept through. Tyler knew not to reach out and touch, it was never okay to touch, but he needed the reassurance of eye contact, even from an 8 year old.

"Hen-" the name fell from his mouth when suddenly they looked at each other. It was as though Henry knew what Tyler needed, it was as though he understood him, it was as though they were linked and Tyler found a minuscule amount of strength in the weak union that was briefly formed.

"Are you hiding from M?" Tyler's voice couldn't fluctuate above a whisper, both due to harsh hoarseness and paralysing fear. Henry didn't answer, he just looked away, eyes flicking to the bottom of the door, then looked back at Tyler. Even though they'd never met and he'd never observed the boy's mannerisms before, Tyler knew what he was saying. He was hiding.

"How long have you been hiding?" He whispered again, but got no response. "Your whole life?" That time the answer was clear. A tiny little nod, eyes unmoving.

"M is fronting, he's not stalking the headspace anymore, it's safe out there whilst he's up front." Tyler told the truth, but he didn't believe it himself so doubted that Henry would either. "I'm Tyler by the way Henry, Tyler Robert Joseph, I'm the host."

Henry didn't introduce himself, but he didn't need to because Tyler was learning more and more about him, just by being so physically close. He could feel the bond between them, a shared experience of unrelenting terror.

"Henry." Tyler faintly breathed. "Does, um, does, does M ever find you in here?"

For that question, Tyler didn't know the answer preemptively, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. If he learnt that the vile system member had been abusing the innocent child whilst he sat back idly and enjoyed his life, then he'd never be able to forgive himself. Already the urges to scream and sob were clawing back up his throat, a heavy sensation pressed his chest against his pounding heart, and his skin crawled, desperately crying out to be scratched and scraped.

"He does, doesn't he?" Tyler wiped his unending tears, and Henry's silence spoke volumes. "I'm so sorry, I'm so s-so-sor-r-ry,"

He didn't know the extent of the young boy's trauma, whether he'd been shouted at and scared silent, physically abused, or raped. The tiny glint of naive hope buried deep inside him whispered that the child was fine, but Tyler knew the truth.

"Henry you h-ha-have to r-run, you, you can't stay here," he said but the boy didn't flinch. "He, he, M, he knows where you are, he can find you here, it's not a g-good hiding place. I'll find you s-somewhere better I promise, somewhere he won't know, somewhere he c-can't t-t-touch you."

Henry squeezed his knees tighter to his chest, shoulder blades jutting further out of his thin cotton shirt and chin dipping down. He was listening but Tyler knew he was too scared to respond. He understood.

"I hid too. When, when he attacked me, I hid too Henry. I hid in my tr-tree-house, a-and then my cupboard, just, just like you. But you can't hide forever Henry, you can't live in here, grow up in here, just waiting for when he is going to c-come back a-again. You can't let him have that power over you Hen."

Tears were steaming down Tyler's face, and, for the first time, he noticed a little salty swell started to form on Henry's lower lash lines too.

"I'll help you I promise. Please Henry, please, he's busy right now, he's distracted, it's the best time for us to escape to somewhere safe. Please, come with me?"

Henry made a definite response, a sharp shake of the head. No.

"You're not safe here Hen, you're not safe." Tyler whispered squeakily, wanting to reach out and stroke the boy's soft curls but knowing that physically contact was completely off the table. "I'll take you somewhere safe, you just have to trust me a little bit."

It was at that moment Tyler recalled his abuser saying the exact same thing, claiming he was in danger and offering him a route to safety if only he applied a little trust. That trust had been taken for granted and exploited in the cruelest of ways and Tyler realised that there was no way the little boy would ever trust anyone again. There was no way Tyler would ever get him to trust him, and because of that, there was no way he'd be able to save the child.

"Hen, please," Tyler whimpered. "I know you won't come with me, I know, I understand, but please, please, if he comes back, run? Run, run so fast, and so far, and don't stop running, just run Hen, please. Don't let him touch you, please."

A single tear trickled down the child's right cheek, and yet still he didn't stop watching the crack between the two doors.

"I, I, I have this friend, this system mate, her name is Willow - do you know her?" It was a long shot but unsurprisingly the little boy didn't say anything. "She, um, she, she takes care of people Henry, she's, um, she cares, a-and, and I think she can help you, but, but, Henry I'd have to go back to the front of the headspace to find her. I'd have to leave you."

Tyler knew that Henry didn't care, that the age-slider would probably prefer it if he left, but the host felt so guilty for leaving him defencelessly cowering in the back of their internal world that he felt physically nauseous.

"Henry, we can't hide forever." He sniffed. "I hid for a long time, too long, but I confronted M last week in the external world, and, and it was the hardest things I've ever chosen to do, but, he, he's in jail now Hen, I stood up to him and now he can't hurt us anymore. I know it's scary, I know you're only little and you sh-shouldn't have to, but you can stand up to Michael too."

As he spoke, he realised the words were having more of an impact on himself than the trembling insider. He'd done it in the outside world, so why couldn't he do it internally? Why did he run? Why didn't he stand up against Michael and show him that he didn't get to get away with the way he treated the system? With a pounding heart, Tyler made a decision.

"Henry, I, I'm going to go back to the front, I'm going to kick Michael out and front again, and, a-and I'll get you some help, okay? I'll tell people what's happening, tell them to help you, defend you, okay? I won't let him hurt you again."

 

 

  
Watching the system was difficult. Zack loved his sibling beyond words, adored them, and felt protective to the verge of possessiveness. So sitting back and observing as Tyler's usually timid frame waltzed confidently around the kitchen with the attitude of his abuser was a complex mix of terrifying and aggravating.

He wanted to yell at Michael, scream at him, beat him to a pulp plus some more, but he had to remind himself that the person in front of him wasn't actually the person who had ruined all of their lives, it was his brother. And yet he couldn't see Tyler. Yes, it was his body, but never in his entire life had Zack seen Tyler hold his head so high and look so comfortable and casual, and it broke his heart.

Jenna was the most calm in the situation, having dealt with the perpetrating alter several times before, but even she was exhausted. Zack knew it was an understatement to say the last few weeks had been hectic and he was in awe of how well she had done to keep everyone safe, and incredibly grateful too. She had no solution, but simply gave the advice that nobody should ever be left alone with the alter.

With that in mind, Zack had called in his parents for back up and they all took turns being the system's supervisors, much to Michael's annoyance. Jenna and their mom had taken the first slot, then Jenna and Debby swapped for the next few hours, followed by a complete switch up so Zack and his dad had the first half of the night, then all 3 women took the second half of the night and start of the morning, and finally Chris and Zack were back for their second round over lunch whilst the others rested.

Michael had been quite well behaved, all things considered, but Zack didn't trust that. He knew what Michael was like, he remembered all too well; he was charming, he was endearing, he was vicious to his core and had a smile that would convince you otherwise. Tyler had fallen for it in the past, been sucked in to the point of no return, and Zack refused to make the same mistake.

"See, the trick to a perfect sear every time is getting the pan ripping hot before you add the steak." Michael narrated whilst adding a healthy sprinkling of salt and pepper to the hissing canola, then lifting up the beautiful cut of meat their mom had picked up on Michael's request and laying it in the pan to a reception of loud sizzling.

Cooking a steak wasn't particularly intimidating, but even the small action was far too bold for Zack's liking. Tyler would never have the confidence to choose such a daring dish for lunch, there was no way he'd have the bravery to go to a butchers to buy the meat when people could potentially judge him for it, and explaining the process was far too audacious for his timid character. So even though Michael was doing them a favour by preparing a meal, Zack couldn't help but feel afraid.

Their dad was lending a hand, washing up after Michael, but Zack sat on a stool at the kitchen island and concentrated on remembering to breathe. It didn't seem right, Dad following after M, cleaning for him, and yet it was exactly right because it was exactly what it was like when Tyler had been in a relationship with the real person the alter was copying. Ty was forever following behind, doing Michael's dirty work without any hint of appreciation.

As Zack went through yet another cycle of feeling anxious, then heartbroken for his brother, then angry for his brother, then paranoid over Michael's next move, the system flipped the steak over. The suddenly, out of nowhere, they cried out.

"What happened? Did you burn yourself? Michael?" Dad span around alarmed, and the system screamed at the sound of the name. "Here, under the water, put it straight under the water." He left the tap running and stepped back so they could soothe their injury, but Zack knew it wasn't a physical pain, he didn't know how he knew, but he knew.

"Michael?" Zack got off his seat, and again the system howled. "Dad I don't think they're burnt, I think, I think,"  
"You think they've switched." Dad caught on and turned the water and the heat off whilst Zack edged closer to their sibling, who'd keeled over and hidden their face.

"Guys?" He murmured, crouching too. "It's Zack, can you look at me guys?"  
"Your old man's here too kid, you're safe, could you tell us who you are?" Dad joined them on the kitchen floor.  
"Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry," they started crying and immediately Zack recognised his brother's broken demeanour.  
"Ty, Ty it's okay, you're okay,"  
"D-did, did, d-d-did he h-hu-hurt a-any-o-one?"  
"No, nobody." Zack reached out and held his big brother's shaking hand.  
"He reorganised your closet, worked out for a while, yelled at the news anchor on the TV and made some food. That was it Tyler, that was it." Dad expanded but Tyler released no sigh of relief.

"He hurts p-peo-ple," Tyler wept. "He, he, I, I-i was so s-sc-scared he'd h-hurt some-o-one, he, in-inside, he hurts pe-people."  
"Did he hurt you Tyler? Recently." Their father asked as Zack squeezed their hand tight and waited with baited breath.  
"N-not me, a, a, there's a li-little b-boy, H-Henry, we, w-we h-have to he-help Hen-ry,"  
"Henry? Do you mean James?"  
"N-no," tears raced down Tyler's pale cheeks and Zack noticed a slight off-look on his dad's face, but knew it wasn't a priority. The older man had made amazing progress with understanding and accepting the condition, but Zack knew he still had some reservations when it came to adding more alters to the list. But in spite of that, Dad was in silent agreement with Zack that their main priority had to be calming Tyler down, which was easier said than done.

"We'll help Henry, okay bud? We'll get him all the help he needs, but right now we need to focus on calming you down Tyler because otherwise Blurryface is going to take advantage of the loose grip you have on the front and this is going to get a lot worse for everybody. Can you try some deep breaths for me?" Zack said slowly and softly.

"What happened?" Jenna rushed in to join them, the commotion presumably waking her from the nap she was supposed to be taking.  
"Tyler's back,"  
"Ty? Baby?"  
"S'me," they gulped through the hyperventilating heaves as she sat down with them.  
"Sweetheart, did, di-did you overthrow M yourself?" She asked, sounding slightly taken aback, and when Tyler nodded, she gasped a little and looked at Zack in amazement.

"That's never happened before, that, that switch is usually Andrew's job, and it's usually a challenge even for him."  
"H-he-he's n-not qu-qui-quick enough, I, I h-had to b-be q-quick!"  
"Why did you have to be quick darling?" Jenna reached out and stroked their cheek with her delicate hand, wiping tears with her thumb.  
"H-h-Henry!"  
"Tyler thinks he has a new persona." Dad explained.  
"A new alter?" A frown appeared on her face. "Okay darling, we'll talk about Henry in detail later, but right now I need you to slow your breathing right down."

"No no no no no NO NO!"  
"Ty,"  
"NO! Henry n-needs he-help n-now!"  
"He needs help?" She echoed gently, still stroking their face. "What does he need help with?"  
"M, he, he's g-g-gonna h-hurt him," Tyler wept.  
"Does Henry want to front? That way we can protect him from anything."  
"No!"  
"Okay, so if he wants to stay inside then who can you find to help him out? Can you send Andrew to be his protector? Or Willow can look after him? Maybe ask Johnny to work out a plan? Could you try that Ty?"  
"It's s-s-so h-hard!"  
"I know poppet, I know," she sighed whilst Zack watched on anxiously.

"Sweetheart, hear me out, how about we ask Zack to run a steaming hot bath for you, I'll help you take your meds because you've missed a few doses, and we'll get you nice and clean and feel refreshed, then we'll put on your comfiest pjs and see if you can take a nap? M didn't sleep for very long last night, maybe just under 2 hours, so I think the body needs a rest and so do you and your system mates, then once you're awake again, we'll try and come up with a solution for Henry. Okay?"  
"Okay," Tyler gulped, clearly beyond exhausted, and Jenna scooted closer and held them as their heavy head collapsed against her chest. She hummed softly and tucked her chin on top of their messy hair, and Zack stood up to go and start the bath with a sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't read my other fics, just a quick explanation as to why this hasn't been updated in a while - I'm back in hospital. I've got some quite complex mental health issues for which I've been made inpatient once again, but I'm doing my best to get discharged and keep writing xx  
> Thanks for reading my loves x


	30. Chapter 30

Josh woke up somewhere different. It was different from the lavender covered bed he'd been sleeping, or attempting to sleep, in recently. It wasn't even a bed, it was cold, and it was hard, and it was very much like the floor of his old basement back when he was allowed to live with his parents in Cleveland.

They didn't need the basement. The mansion he'd lived in since he was born had 22 bedrooms, 28 bathrooms, 3 kitchens, a great hall the size of 2 tennis courts combined, 4 tennis courts, 4 pools, its own waterfall, more reception rooms than Josh could count, a theatre, an 18 car garage that was always full and a servant quarter that he'd never explored. Then didn't need the basement. And yet of course, Mother asked Father to have one dug out, and so one was dug out.

Adding a whole other floor was, predictably, ridiculously expensive and completely unnecessary. The footprint of the house was somewhere along the lines of 28000 square feet, so there was never a cat's chance in hell of all the new rooms being utilised, in fact, half of them weren't even decorated.

The crown jewel of the basement, or ground -1 as Mother insisted they call it, was the wine cellar that was capable of holding 10,000 bottles and was temperature controlled and had more attention paid to it than Josh had to him. Josh hated that fucking wine cellar. Whenever Father hosted guests and consequently whenever Mother needed to whisk away a wife so that men could talk business, or more often she needed to flirt with a man so they could win him over, she showed them to the wine cellar. Never did she introduce them to him, never was Josh her prized possession she chose to proudly show off. No. It was always the fucking wine cellar.

Josh, however, was not sat in the wine cellar, he was tied to the floor of some unfinished, deserted, empty, plasterboard box room on the other side of the property. Ropes dug deeply into his wrists and ankles and the more he struggled, the more painful the burning sensation and the more intense the tingling in his fingers. He'd tried to rip free but there was a steel loop welded to the floor through which his constricting rope was threaded, and, after a few seconds of trying, he knew it was hopeless. So he gave up.

Instead Josh took to crying, sobbing in fact, ugly snotty sobs that made his head pound and his mouth dribbled down his chin. He was disgusting, and he was ashamed of himself, but that only made him sob harder. It was stupid decision, going back to his family was always going to end badly and he deserved to be punished for being foolish enough to believe they'd changed. He was stupid. Stupid stupid stupid!

"Quit that you little shit." Mother waltzed back into the room with her finest furs draped over her shoulders and Stuart Weitzman heels clicking against the revealed cement floor. Her presence alone was enough to stop him from slamming his head against the wall over and over again, no matter how desperate he was to self discipline, he dared not disobey her.

"It's a dirty habit Joshua, dirty." Her sentences were punctuated with sharp sprays of spit as she slowly walked over to him, Aubrey Hepburn-esque cigarettes holder balanced between her manicured and skeletal fingers with a glowing cherry slowly leaking smoke. She finally arrived at his feet and crouched, then snatched his arm for herself, the other tied to it so coming along too. For a moment she surveyed his self harm scars with a disapproving scowl, then dropped his arms down harshly.

"I gave you this body, your father and I made this body, and this is how you treat it? You're vile." She snarled. "But hey, what's another mark, right?"

With that, she plucked her cigarette from the holder then proceeded to press the burning end straight into Josh's inner wrist and he cried out horrifically as his flesh hissed. The flame was extinguished in less than a second but the burning was continuous and Josh had to bite his lower lip and gulp through his tears to cope.

"You made your brother sick again Joshua." Mother'd stood back up and wandered a few metres away again, dropping the long black holder with a clatter and instead crossing her arms across her diamond decorated chest.   
"I know," he wept.   
"Pardon?" She raised her eyebrows and fear pulsed though his shaking body. He knew that look far too well.   
"Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sor-" he was stopped by a backhand across the face, Mother's copious encrusted rings ripping his cheek.

"My favourite child is dying, he's dying Joshua, and all you say is I know? You're despicable." She scoffed and he daren't say anything, although, he doubted he'd be able to speak through his hyperventilating gulps anyway. "He'll be dead before the week's out, and I hope the guilt crushes you."

Josh's mind was racing a hundred miles per hour, trying to process what was happening, trying to wrap his head around what she was saying and what was going on. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't grasp it, he couldn't comprehend it, he couldn't figure it out.

"I always knew you were bad, that you had darkness within you, but I never thought you'd kill your own brother Joshua. Even you, my greatest disappointment, have surpassed my incredibly low expectations."  
"ADRIAN!" He suddenly screamed.   
"You're jealous of Jordan, you always have been."  
"DR COOPER!"  
"If you're that envious, why not kill yourself too Joshua?"   
"DR COOPER! SOMETHING'S HAPPENING!" Josh cried out tearfully, begging for some clarity.   
"Nobody would miss you."  
"Josh? I'm here bud, I'm here," Dr Cooper finally jogged into the little room, not noticing his mother or the way he was tied to the floor, but instead going straight to his side and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Deep breaths, I'm here, are you hallucinating?"

 

 

  
Cassie woke up alone and instantly burst into tears. Sleep had been a brief break from the crippling guilt of leaving Henry alone and vulnerable in the headspace, but it meant that she had 5 hours worth of self punishing to make up for. Jenna had cleared their room weeks ago and found her hidden blade collection and disposed of them immediately, so her only option was to scramble out of the double bed and race to the kitchen to find a suitable tool.

Zack and Jenna were sat at the island sipping hot drinks, but Cassie ignored them and stalked straight over to the cupboard, pulled out a wine glass, smashed it against the worktop then plunged it straight into their arm. She didn't have a chance to see how much damage had been done before Jenna grabbed her from behind and restrained her upper arms whilst Zack plied the sharp glass stem from their shaking fingers.

"Cassie, Cassie, baby, breathe," Jenna said from behind, whispering into their ear as they panicked and squirmed. "Calm down, stop fighting me Cass,"  
"Where are the bandaids?" Zack asked.   
"Under the sink. How bad is it?"  
"Scratch, nothing more."  
"N-n-no!" Cassie cried, desperate for a wound that equalled the crime.   
"There should be bath bombs under there too, grab one? And fill a glass bowl with water?"  
"Got it." Zack said with his head in the cupboard.

"Cass, deep breaths angel, do you need a hug?" Jenna offered and immediately they twisted and collapsed against their girlfriend's chest in a fit of hysterical sobs. "Alright, good girl, alright, you're alright."

"What's going on?" Debby walked into the kitchen too, obviously awoken by the chaos, but Cassie didn't have the strength to look up.   
"Cassie's here and she's not feeling very well." Zack explained to her.   
"Oh darling I'm sorry," Cassie felt their roommate rub their back fondly as she walked past.

"You're so brave baby, good job," Jenna praised them but the suicidal thoughts were as strong as ever.   
"Please!"  
"Please what?"  
"Let me f-finish the j-job!"  
"Cassie I can't let you hurt the body, it's not fair on the others, it's their home too." She said softly. "Besides, I love you far too much to see you in pain."  
"Look away then!" Cassie wept into her shirt, her arms still firmly wrapped around them.   
"It's been a tricky few days, I know darling, I know you're tired and overwhelmed and fed up. I know you feel guilty about Henry. But there are better coping methods, yeah? Hurting yourself, it's not going to help Henry, it's not going to help you, it's just a temporary solution for short term gain. Please Cass, you've done so well over the years at coming up with healthier ways to deal with these thoughts, now's the time to implicate them. And if you can't, if you're not able to control the urges, then you need to step back and let someone else take-"  
"I can do it! I can do it I can do it I can do it, please Jen, don't make me go," Cassie whimpered, not wanting to be sent away to deal with the guilt alone. She wouldn't be able to cope alone.

"Sweetheart you can stay for as long as you can manage, but you can't try anything else? Okay?"  
"O-o-okay," they gulped.   
"Have you got anymore plans?"  
"N-no,"

"Cassie poppet, why don't you come and sit down? We can do the bath bomb together whilst Jenna takes a look at your wrist." Debby suggested and Cassie knew she didn't have the strength on her own, but Jenna moved her arm from their back and instead down to hold their hand, helping them across to the breakfast bar and up onto a stool.

"Here, do you want to put it in?" Josh's girlfriend took a slightly crumbled blue sphere out of the paper bag and held it towards them. They sniffed and wiped some of the tears away, then shakily took it off her and dropped it into the bowl, forcing a small smile at the ‘plop’ sound.

Immediately the ball started to dissolve, hissing and spinning as the water clouded with glitter and colouring. Watching the unpredictable movements of the fizzing reactions was soothing, distracting Cassie from the horrible suicidal thoughts that normally pounded like a constant drum, and distracting them from Jenna’s gentle touch on their scarred forearm.

In the background they were mildly aware of the soft and delicate movements of their significant other, who had mopped away a dribble of blood with a wipe that stung a little, then covered the minor wound with a beige fabric bandaid. They could feel the stinging and the sticky, but it wasn’t worth breaking eye contact with the ever changing water for.

As they relaxed into the fronting seat, settled by the bath bond, Cassie could feel the tension start to release little by little. No longer were her metaphorical knuckles white from the intensity of her grip, no more was her heart so set on suicide that it could bulldoze over any other considerations, no more was she so determined to be up front.

“Where Bunny?”  
“Lilly?” Jenna asked softly.   
“Bunny,” their bottoms lip quivered as they searched for the best best friend in the world.   
“Princess it’s okay, Bunny’s in her box at the end of Tyler’s bed,”  
“Should we go and get her together?” Someone offered, and Lilly looked up through tear swollen eyes to see their favouritist big brother!

“ZackZack!!”  
“Heeeyy,” he laughed as they jumped off their chair and into his arms, giggling as he hugged them tightly. “I haven’t seen you in aaaages! Wow, aren’t you getting big? Hey?”  
“I growing!”  
“Yeah I can see princess! You’re gonna be even taller than me soon!” ZackZack teased and Lilly giggled. He was silly. “Come on, hold ZackZack’s hand, we’ll go find Bunny together.”  
“Yayyyyy!”

 

 

 

  
Josh had been dreading the meeting all day, all week in fact. He knew before it had even begun that it wasn’t going to be shit, and his episode that morning was hardly going to help matters. Part of him wanted to do everything possible to stall, to give himself enough time to make actual progress so that the meeting wouldn’t be a complete car crash, but all of his ideas involved a breakdown of some form that didn’t exactly achieve the aim.

He wasn’t going to point blank refuse to the enter the room, he’d learnt that the staff were more than willing to exercise their right to forcefully move him against his will. Besides, Debby was coming, and he highly doubted he’d be allowed outside with her considering how his day had started, so it might be there only chance to be with one another. He wouldn’t throw that away, but he couldn’t deny how anxious he was.

His hands were shaking and he knew that he was breathing shallowly, but couldn’t seem to force himself to take a deeper breath without feeling like he was gasping. No matter where he sat, it didn’t feel right, he couldn’t stop fidgeting and moving, nowhere feeling comfortable. Nothing felt comfortable.

“Josh, Coops and your team are ready for you darling,” Sally poked her head round his door, but properly entered once she realised he wasn’t going to be up to leaving without more than a little encouragement.

“Nervous?”  
“I can’t, I’m, uh, I can’t, I can’t breathe properly,” Josh tugged on the collar of his T-shirt which felt suffocating and constrictive.   
“Okay, do you want to try pressing your back against the wall? See if that helps?” She suggested, and he nodded shakily, rushing over to the far wall and trying to push his shoulder blades against it, hoping to open his airway up and let the oxygen through his clamped up throat.

“Deep breaths, that’s the most important thing Josh, breathe out for longer than you breathe in. Do you want me to count out loud for you?”   
“No, n-no thanks,” He was counting in his head. 7 counts in. 11 counts out. 7 counts in. 11 counts out. 7 counts in. 11 counts out.

“Is today your first ward round?”  
“Yeh,” Josh nodded, focussing on breathing and the sensation of the cold wall against his sticky skin.   
“First times for anything are scary, I understand that,”  
“Mmm,”  
“But all it will be is a conversation, okay? A conversation about what’s been working for you, what’s not working, what the future holds and how you can achieve your goals with our help. Dr Cooper will talk for a little while, maybe a few other members of staff with contribute something, and at every single point you can challenge them if you feel they’ve got the wrong end of the stick, or you can agree with them, or you can ask questions or offer up ideas.”  
“Kay,”

“And you’ll have your loved ones with you too, won’t you?”  
“I, I, I think so,”  
“I think so too.” The nurse smiled. “So they can ask questions, and stick up for you if they think you deserve more leave or more support. Very few decisions are made by Dr Cooper alone, things are very much a group decision, including your opinion. And I know you might feel anxious, speaking up for the first time, but you’ll get used to it soon I promise, and if you’re still struggling with anxiety after a while then we’ll come up with other ways to express your views, maybe try writing them down beforehand with my help?”  
“Thank you,” Josh whispered.

“I saw your girlfriend signing in earlier,”  
“Debby? You did?”  
“Yeah,”  
“She’s pretty, isn’t she?” He smiled softly to himself.   
“Beautiful. Do you wanna go find her?”  
“Go to my ward round you mean?”   
“She’ll be in the meeting room, but you don’t have to go in straight away if you don’t feel ready, I can ask her to step out for a minute so you can talk. Do you think that might help you feel calmer?”  
“I think so,” Josh nodded and peeled himself off the wall with a few final deep breaths to hype himself up.

“Fleece and slippers Josh, fleece and slippers,” she reminded him, and he span on the spot to walk over to where he’d started storing the jacket and soft shoes he was permitted to wear on the ward. His room was far from feeling like home, but he’d definitely started to form a routine.

“Alright, let’s go mister,” Sally opened his door and gestured with her head, and he followed her out into the hallway. He still felt a strange sensation when he walked past Doug’s empty room, but told himself not to overthink it. The last thing he needed was another panic attack.

“You okay?”  
“I’m okay,” he lied, pulling his sleeves over his palms and tugging on the material for a little extra bravery as they weaved down the corridors.

“Wanna wait just there whilst I get her?” Sally asked when they finally reached the final meeting room of 3.  
“On, on the chair?” He checked, looking at the soft padded blue seat opposite.   
“Yeah, or stand, either way Josh. Up to you.”  
“Oh, um, o-okay,”  
“I’ll just be a minute, stay here.” She flashed a smile again then let herself into the room, closing it after her before he had a chance to see who was inside.

For a few seconds he hovered unsure, but then decided on sitting, so took 3 bold strides over to the seat and lowered himself onto it, still not feeling comfortable. He contemplated standing up again, pacing, but suddenly he felt dizzy with anxiety and was quite sure he’d pass out if he tried. Instead he took to bouncing his legs up and down and up and down a million bounces a second.

“Baby?”  
“Debby,” a grin instantly appeared on his face when he saw her face smiling back at him, and he rushed to sweep her into a huge hug. It had only been 4 days since they’d last seen each other, but that felt like an eternity when he was trapped in the white walled prison.

“I love you,”  
“I love you too Josh, so much. I’ve missed you like crazy,”  
“Missed you too.” He let go a little, leaning back but only to press his lips against her soft forehead.   
“You okay love?” Her hand reaches up and softly found his jaw, stroking fondly.   
“Um, nervous, but, um, but better for seeing you.”   
“I’m glad,” she kissed his collar.

“The anniversary, Ty’s, Ty’s anniversary, how did it go? I was gonna call, but um, yeah, I couldn’t do it, how, how did they cope?”  
“It was hard,”  
“Course,”  
“There’s a new alter,”  
“What??” He frowned, suddenly wishing he was back home more than ever.   
“Henry, little boy, an insider? But um, but we don’t know that much about him yet.” Debby said quietly. “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this now J,”  
“Maybe not,”  
“I know that you care about them and love them, but today is about you, okay? It’s about showing all those people in there how hard you’ve been working.”

“All?” He echoed, wincing a little. “Are, are there, um, are there, are there lots of people?”  
“No no, not lots, um, 5?”  
“Including you?”  
“6 including me, 7 including you.”

“I’m scared,”  
“What are you scared of J?” She stroked his face lovingly, a crease of concern embedded in her brow.   
“Everything. Of, o-of getting sick, and, um, or them saying something bad, or, of, of everything!”  
“Bad? What counts as bad Josh? What would you like for them to say?”  
“I don’t know,” he bit into his lip and she pulled him close again.

“You don’t have to do this, if you’re too scared and too worked up then you can go back to your room and calm down at your own pace. I’ll represent you, be your advocate,”   
“No no, I, I have to go in,”  
“You don’t Josh, they can’t force you.”  
“I need to hear it from them,” Josh explained, trying to remember to breathe. “I, I need to know how long they’re going to keep me here Debby.”  
“It won’t be much longer, you’re doing so well,”  
“What, wh-what if it’s years?” Tears clouded his vision. Still she held him tightly in a hug, and he prayed they’d go away before she saw.

“It won’t be Josh,”  
“What if it is though?”  
“Then I’ll have to find an apartment a bit closer, won’t I? Because the 40 minute journey each way is gonna take a considerable chunk out of my life if I’m here visiting everyday.” She said lightheartedly as he desperately blinked the tears away. “We’d make it work Josh, okay? Whatever the outcome of this, we’ll make it work.”

“I love you,”  
“I love you too.” Debby squeezed him close for a long moment, then kissed him on the lips.

“Do you want to go in?”  
“Okay,” he mouthed quietly, and she found his hand, again squeezed, then crossed the corridor and opened the door with her free hand. Josh took a deep breath before crossing over the entrance to find a large table of people.

Dr Cooper he’d expected, Dr Verdon was another senior staff member he’d been warned about being there, and of course he knew Sally was in there, but didn’t realise that another nurse called Lada would also be seated at the conference table. Again, to his surprise, Kelly, Tyler’s Mom, met his eyes and immediately rushed off her seat to greet him with a hug.

“Oh Josh, darling, it’s so good to see you,”  
“Kelly? Wh-what, what are you doing here?” He couldn’t help but ask as she stepped back, looking at him sadly.   
“I got a call from your father, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to make it today, he, he thought he’d probably be needed at the clinic, with your brother, but he knew I was your legal guardian back when you were a kid and he asked if I’d come today to make sure you’re okay. Of course I leapt at the chance, I’ve been so worried!”  
“I’m sorry,”  
“No no, nothing to be sorry about, okay? Nothing at all,” she reached across and delicately pinched his chin, keeping his head up momentarily before it fell down to look at the ground anxiously once again.

“Josh? Why don’t we get started? That way we can finish earlier and you can have a big catch up afterwards.” Dr Cooper suggested, and he nodded a little, making his way to the spare chair between Debby and Kelly, and sitting down.

“Okay, so I’ll tell you briefly how this is going to go. I’ll turn on the dictaphone-“  
“Wait, you’re, you’re recording this?” Josh almost immediately interrupted.   
“Yeah, normally we’d take notes and give you a copy, however, considering the severity of your dyslexia, I thought it might be easier for you if we recorded the meeting instead so you can listen back later if you’d like.”  
“I, I, I hate, I hate being recorded, please,”  
“It was just an idea, don’t worry, we don’t have to use it if you don’t want,” Dr Cooper reassured him, waving his hand casually.

“I’ll take notes and read them to you Josh,” Kelly offered.   
“As will we.” Dr Verdon agreed, and Josh knew he should say thanks to them for trying to make it accessible, but anxiety stole his voice.

“I’ll try that again then!” Dr Cooper laughed a little. “So we won’t start the dictaphone, but what we will do is introduce ourselves formally and state our roles in your case, then I’ll ask you some questions, make some comments on them myself, and will of course welcome any other inputs at any point, questions or objections. Maybe we’ll all be in agreement as to what’s best for your future treatment plan, in which case we could be done and dusted in 10 minutes, or alternatively we can continue the conversation for as long as it needs to be in order for us to reach an agreement. The aim of your ward round is to reflect on the past week and plan for the next one, okay? Any questions at this stage?”  
“No,” he shook his head.   
“Not from me.” Debby did the same.

“So my name’s Dr Cooper, and I’m Josh’s head of care whilst he’s inpatient here with us at St Mary’s. As well as overseeing his treatment plan, I also conduct his CBT sessions and am available to him for an informal chat throughout my working hours. I performed his initial home visit and made the ultimate choice to admit him, and have the power to discharge him.” Adrian began.

“I’m Lada, I’m a mental health nurse here at St Mary’s, and I offer meal support when Josh’s named nurse is off shift. I’m also involved in the daily running of the program here, and host several group sessions that Josh occasionally feels up to attending.”  
“Groups aren’t compulsory then?” Kelly asked, and Josh looked up to see she already had several lines of squiggly nonsensical notes in her journal.   
“Participation is strongly encouraged but never forced.”  
“Okay thanks,”

“Hello, Dr Verdon,” the oldest man in the room raised a hand. “I play a less active role in Mr Dun’s care at this present time, however I’m the lead coordinator for discharge plans and it’s my job to ensure that the route home is as smooth as possible, and hopefully I’ll get to become more involved in the near future. I also work alongside Dr Cooper in the management of St Mary’s, and have the ability to discharge a patient when I deem them ready.”

“Hi, I’m last, I’m Sally and I’m Josh’s named nurse, meaning I’m his first port of call if he has any kind of issue during the day. I’m responsible for making sure he’s taking good care of himself, eating, drinking, sleeping, washing etcetera, plus I’m medically qualified so can treat any kind of wounds and stay on top of wound care. We spend a fair amount of time together, always informal, and if it’s ever decided that he’s in need of 1:1 supervision then that’s my responsibility to carry out. I work closely with Dr Cooper, keeping him up to date on everything, and yeah, that’s me,” Sally smiled as Kelly’s hand raced a million miles per hour across the scratchy paper.

“So, Josh, two weeks in - how are you?” Dr Cooper asked the big question.   
“I’m, uh, I’m,” he knew he should have been prepared to answer that, and felt foolish as he stammered. “I’m tired.”  
“Should we start by talking about you sleep schedule then?”  
“Okay,”

“When you first joined us, we gave you quite a light medication to help with sleep, just a hormone that is readily available to the public, melatonin.” He glances at his pile of notes. “But after a few nights we realised you’d need a bit more support with both falling and staying asleep, so our resident psychiatrist prescribed you zopiclone. How’s that been working for you?”  
“I, uh, I, I don’t know,”  
“Do you know how long it takes you to fall asleep? How long you’re in bed before you drift off?”  
“There’s no, um, no clock,”  
“Nope, but does it feel like a little time or a long time?”   
“A long time? I guess,”  
“Yeah, the night staff check on people through the window on the door roughly every half an hour, and here they’ve written it usually takes about 2 hours between lights off and you falling asleep.”

“Can you increase his dose then? Of the zopiclone?” Kelly asked, pen poised, ready to record the team’s response while Debby reached across and gently held Josh’s shaking hand.

“Zopiclone is only ever for short term use, it’s highly addictive, so we will have to withdraw it from your plan over the next week or two Josh,”  
“And replace it with another sleeping pill?” Debby checked.   
“Yeah,” Dr Cooper nodded. “So we can increase the dose if you’d like, but only for a short while.”   
“Are there any side effects?” Kelly took her turn.   
“Always potentially. Nasty taste in the mouth,”  
“Got that.” Josh whispered.   
“Right okay, and it can also make you sleepy during the day. So it can be a little tricky to find the balance between getting enough sleep so you’re not tired, but not taking too much that you’re tired anyway.”

“How about we get you an appointment with Dr Picken, the psychiatrist in charge of meds?” Dr Verdon suggested.   
“O-okay,”  
“Yeah that’s a good idea, she’ll talk to you in depths about the pros and cons of different sleeping pills and dosages.” Dr Cooper agreed.   
“I can sit in with you if you’re anxious about it at all,” Sally offered.   
“Yeh, please, thank you,” Josh nodded.

“I’m happy with all your other medications continuing how they are, everyone in agreement?”  
“Yes,”  
“Yeh,”  
“N-no,” Josh interrupted the staff, and Debby squeezed his hand.   
“Okay, what’s your concern?”  
“I need more, or, or better antipsychotics,”

“What’s he currently taking?” Kelly turned a page in her notebook and continued writing.   
“4mg of risperidone a day,”  
“My son was on risperidone for just over 6 months when he was a kid and we found absolutely no improvement. We swapped him to quetiapine, and although it didn’t eradicate symptoms, it’s definitely helped him stabilise. Could we make the same change for Josh please?”  
“As I’m sure you’re aware Mrs Joseph, different conditions require different treatment plans. It’s my understanding that your son has dissociative identity disorder?” Dr Cooper had clearly been paying attention in therapy.   
“Yes that’s correct.”

“What we suspect Josh is enduring is a brief psychotic episode due to extreme stress and anxiety, so we approach that in a slightly different way to DID. Yes, some medications are inevitably used for both conditions, but they might not have the same impact on the user’s wellbeing.”

“So I have to stay on the um, the, the risperidone?” Josh mumbled.   
“In my opinion it’s probably the best option, yes. But of course you can discuss it with Dr Picken.”   
“Why do you want to change Josh?” Lada asked.   
“Because, well, you know, I’m, uh, I, I, I keep having episodes, keep seeing things,”

“Any new medication takes a while to kick in fully, risperidone is no different Josh. You’ve been on your anxiety and depression medicines for a while, so the dosage increase hasn’t taken too much time to acclimatise to, but you’ll have to be a bit more patient when it comes to an entirely new drug.”  
“If in a month you’re still struggling with hallucinations frequently then we’ll have this conversation again, see if we can help you out chemically. But I’m in agreement that it seems silly to start again from 0 when you’ve already made a dent in the introduction to risperidone.” Dr Verdon sided with the other senior doctor.

“Sorry, just it was my understanding that brief psychotic disorder only causes hallucinations for a month? Are you saying there’s a chance we’re still going to be struggling with them in another month’s time?” Debby seemed unsure and a little nervous as she spoke up.

“Coops? You wanna take this one?” Dr Verdon waved his colleague on.   
“Sure,” he leaned onto the table. “So diagnoses are just labels given to a group of symptoms that occur in a large number of individuals. Now within that group they take an overall average, so yes, most will have symptoms for a month, but some will have them for a week, and some will have them for 2 months or maybe more. It’s not as if there’s a countdown and when it reaches exactly 28 days it just switches off that part of your brain and the hallucinations stop instantly.”  
“Yeah no, no I kinda knew it wasn’t exact, but I thought it would be a few days either side, not months,”

“Brains are complex things, they take time to heal. Sometimes someone can be quite fast to overcome a stressful situation, but more often than not, the brain needs a while to remind itself how to cope with reality.”  
“Yeah,” she nodded whilst rubbing her thumb across Josh’s hand.   
“The ‘brief’ part of the diagnosis should be the focus rather than the month, because that shows it’s unlikely to develop into a lifelong chronic condition,”  
“Right,”   
“And I am hopeful that a full recovery is obtainable and on the horizon, but we can’t rush that by putting dates on things. I wish I could say it will all be over in exactly 4 days and 8 hours or whatever, but unfortunately it is something that requires persistence and patience.”

“It, it,” Josh didn’t realise his eyes had filled with tears until he made contact with Dr Cooper’s. “It doesn’t feel like they’re tapering off, it feels like they’re, they’re getting worse.”  
“I think perhaps it feels that way because you’re more aware of them Josh, which is a victory in itself.”  
“But this morning, it, I, I was, I couldn’t, I, um, I just couldn’t see it as fake.”  
“I was very proud of you this morning, would it be okay if shared what happened?”  
“Yeh,” he whispered and brushed away a stray tear.

“So this morning before breakfast and meds, Josh woke up early and he wasn’t very well. He started having a very convincing hallucination in which he was somewhere else and being treated very poorly by someone he knows in real life. For a short while he was immersed, but as I came into his corridor, I heard him shouting my name and I found him in his room. Despite still being in the middle of the episode, he attracted my help so I could give him support and talk him through the remainder whilst keeping him safe. He did very well.”  
“Great job,” Dr Verdon seemed genuinely impressed as Josh hurried to mop up more tears.

“Why are you upset Josh?” Sally said softly.   
“Doesn’t feel like a success,” he whispered. “I had an episode, that’s not, that’s not something to be praised.”  
“We’re praising your reaction. It’s very difficult to stop a hallucination, very very difficult, and we don’t have the capabilities to teach you how to do that. What we can do is teach you methods to keep you safe when you are unwell, and by calling someone to be with you, you’ve reacted perfectly. This is exactly what we want, and exactly what you should continue to do as we begin to transition you home.”

“You’re, you’re sending me home?”  
“We’re not discharging you cold turkey today, no, but this morning has demonstrated how you’re now beginning to understand how to cope with your condition, which does allow us to start talking about discharge plans.”  
“I was hallucinating! I can’t, I can’t go home!” Josh exclaimed tearfully.   
“Josh, our aim here at St Mary’s isn’t to cure you of your psychosis, we can’t do that. What we can do it equip you to cope outside of the unit.”   
“No, please, you have to make them go away, please,”  
“J, breathe baby,” Debby attempted to soothe him but suddenly he was terrified of having to fend for himself.

“We can’t make them go away Josh, we can only arm you with healthy strategies to get through them until you’ve healed enough for them to stop naturally.”   
“I’m not healed, I’m not healed.” He shook his head.   
“You’re healing though,”  
“I’m not!”  
“You are Josh. You’re aware of the nature of your psychotic events, you’re taking your medication, you’re communicating with staff, you’re being honest with us, you’re attending sessions, you’re not self harming currently, you’re sleeping and eating and washing, you’re beginning to form connections with your fellow service users. We can’t ask for much more from you. You’re doing great, and we want to reward you for that.” Dr Cooper told him whilst he stared at his lap and tried to hold back sobs.

“Reward? What does that mean?” Kelly asked.   
“We’ve agreed that Josh has earned some more home leave, and you’ve got a decision to make here Josh, either you can have 2 bouts of 8 hours day leave, or, you can have 1 overnight leave from 6pm to 10am. Your choice.”  
“No,” he sniffed.   
“No?” Debby echoed.   
“No, no I’m not leaving, I’m not going home until I’m completely better,”  
“Josh, sit back down for me and we’ll discuss this.”  
“I am not going home until I am completely better! I won’t! I can’t!” He stormed out of the room in a fit of confused tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies xx
> 
> Sorry I’ve been so absent, things are still shit on my end, and it’s been decided that I’m moving to a specialist ward as soon as a bed becomes available, yay for instability and destabilisation -_-
> 
> I know this chapter reeks of ‘filler’ but I figured I owed you something after a month+ so I’m sorry this is all my brain could produce. 
> 
> Love you all xxx  
> Maisie x


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As my beautiful friend rutree put it: it’s something!

“You’ve reached the office of William Dun, my name’s Eleanor, how can I be of your assistance today?”  
“Morning El, it’s uh, it’s Josh,”  
“Hello Mr Joshua,”  
“Hey. Is my father there?”  
“He’s at the clinic today with Mr Jordan, can I take a message?”  
“No thanks, just hoped to speak to him, that’s all,”  
“Would you like me to see whether his personal mobile is currently accepting calls?”   
“If he’s with Jord then I don’t wanna interrupt.”  
“He said he’d like me to call him if there’s any news from you Mr Joshua, this fits the criteria,”  
“Um, could you, could you just quickly check please?”  
“Certainly, I’ll put you on hold for a moment.” She said then the payphone starter humming gentle jazz music and Josh’s concentration slipped.

Another girl was in the phone room with him, using the setup on the other side of the wall. She noticed him looking at her and smiled, but he couldn’t summon the energy to smile back. Her name was Alex and she had been admitted 3 months ago with anorexia, but was basically ready to be discharged and already spent 4 nights a week at home.

She was also a reminder of the previous day’s conversation.

“Mr Joshua,”  
“Yeah?”  
“Your father says he’d love to speak to you, can I put you through?”  
“Please do. Thanks Eleanor,”

The phone made a short beeping sound, then Josh heard the distinctive sound of his father breathing.

“Father?”  
“Morning kiddo,”  
“Morning, um, sorry, I didn’t, I didn’t know you’d be with Jordan, um, I, I can call another time maybe? Or you call me when it’s a good time? Or yeah, whatever works,”   
“Now works.”  
“Sure?”  
“I’m sure Joshua. Or sorry, Jay, do you want me to call you Jay? Like your friends?”  
“Josh is fine,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come to your meeting yesterday, I really wanted to, I booked you the whole afternoon out in my diary, but things got a little complicated on our end and for that I’m sorry.”  
“Complicated? What happened?” Josh asked, curling up in the armchair a little.   
“Your mother, she uh, she found this unconventional cardiologist yesterday morning, supposed miracle worker, but he’s based over in Dubai. Jordan wasn’t well, it was looking highly unlikely that we’d be able to fly the doctor out in time, so your mother made the decision to have your brother intubated.”  
“Like, a ventilator?”  
“Yes,”  
“I thought you, um, you signed the don’t resuscitate thingy,” Josh said, knowing he wasn’t going to be able to work out the letters.

“The DNR order? We did, but your mother feels it would be best if we had one final shot at saving him.”  
“Do you think it’s going to work? Can the new doctor really do something?” Josh didn’t feel overly optimistic, knowing his father had no doubt already found the best cardiologists in the world.   
“He arrived in the early hours of this morning, round about 3am, and examined your brother but found his case is unsuitable for the surgery he was planning. So no, unfortunately not, but we knew that before he took off.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Your mother lied to the doctor about the condition of the heart post transplant Joshua, Jordan’s untreatable, she knew he’d say no so she lied to convince him to come. She was hoping he’d arrive and be hit with some inspiration about a new surgery.”

“You must have known it wasn’t going to help Jordan, why, why did you fly him over?”   
“Because your mother is struggling Joshua, she’s finally started to realise that this isn’t some pretty excuse for a celebration with statues and paintings and peace gardens and a ribbon cutting ceremony for the renamed cardio ward, this is us losing our son. She’s grieving him already, and I don’t want to her to have any regrets or think there was more to be done. If that means forking out half a mil for a jet and a doctor from Dubai, so be it.”  
“I’m sorry Father,” Josh smiled sadly at the floor.

“She needs to grieve, it’s natural,”   
“Are you grieving too Father?”   
“Son, I’ve been awake for 51 hours, I’m far too tired to grieve.”  
“51 hours? Father please, go to bed, we can talk another time I promise.”  
“Today’s going to be the day Joshua, even the ventilator can’t keep his heart going much longer, and I need to be awake for my girls when the inevitable happens.”  
“Oh,”  
“Sorry son, sorry, I should have checked how you are before I broke the news, I do apologise for my oversight.”  
“It’s okay, thank you for being honest.” He gulped as his vision clouded a little.

“How are you then?”   
“A little, uh, a little, um, I just, I’m a bit, um, I don’t know quite how to react honestly.”   
“No I understand that kiddo, I’m sorry for springing it on you. Why don’t you tell me how your meeting went? I had Eleanor track down the family you stayed with when you decided to leave us and I called the mother, Kelly, and personally invited her to go, I hope that was okay with you?”  
“It was really thoughtful, thank you.”  
“I knew you’d need one of your parents there, and I figured she was practically a mother to you.”  
“Still is, yeah,” he smiled to himself a little.   
“I’m glad. She sent me an email containing the notes she took but I haven’t had a chance to open it yet. Can you catch me up?”  
“Sure,” Josh sniffed a little and repositioned, telling himself not to feel guilty for talking about himself on Jordan’s day.

“Um, so, so there were two senior doctors and two nurses,”  
“Including Dr Cooper?”  
“Yeah, and they asked me about a bunch of things. Started with how I’m sleeping, which is still pretty bad, so I’m probably going to increase my sleep medication but I have to talk to a psychiatrist to do that,”   
“Do you need me to come in and talk to the psychiatrist with you?”  
“Sally, my nurse, she’s going to sit with me,”  
“Sometimes it feels more secure to have family though? I’ll really argue for what you want.”   
“Thanks Father, but, uh, but you really don’t have to.”  
“Offers on the table, bare it in mind.”  
“I will,”

“So more sleeping pills, any other changes to your treatment?”  
“Not my treatment so much, no, they didn’t bring up any changes to my sessions or schedule, and I have to keep taking the rest of my medication the same,”  
“And you’re not overly pleased with that?”   
“I just hoped there would be a tablet I could take that would instantly make all the hallucinations stop, but obviously that doesn’t exist,”  
“Would you like me to task Timothy to do some research into it? See if there’s some revolutionary treatment being offered outside of the states?”  
“I don’t think there is,” Josh didn’t want false hope.   
“He could check?”  
“S’fine, don’t waste his time,”

“Were they happy with your progress?”  
“They seemed pleased me with Father, really pleased,”  
“You don’t sound like that’s a good thing Joshua, surely that’s a reason to be proud.”  
“I don’t feel I’ve done anything to be proud of.”  
“I’m afraid that’s a trait I’ve most likely drilled into you Joshua, you never were allowed to celebrate your successes when you were growing up under my care and for that I can I can only apologise.”   
“It’s not that though, it’s not like I don’t think I deserve to celebrate, it’s that I literally haven’t done anything worthy of praise.” Josh picked at the fabric of his regulation joggers with a sigh.

“Joshua, when you were 14 years old I took you to the batting cages with a friend of mine, I don’t suppose you remember?”  
“No,”  
“I told you that I needed to talk business with the man so we had to sit at the side, but you could go in the cages for as long as you wanted to. What I neglected to tell you was the man with me was Scott Barnsby,”  
“Tribe’s director of amateur scouting,” Josh knew exactly who he was with another sigh.

“Yep, and we sat and we watched you and all it took was 4 minutes for him to tell me that you were playing better than all of the high school and college kids he’d been to watch that season. He loved you Joshua. Scott is hardly an open book when it comes to his opinions, but he was utterly amazed by your talent and was practically begging me to send you to one of his camps,”  
“Mmm,”   
“And on the drive home, just you and me in the back, do you know what you asked me?”  
“No,”  
“You asked if you’d embarrassed me Joshua. I hesitated for a moment, and you immediately started profusely apologising, almost to the point of tears, swearing that you’d work harder and be better and you’d never let me down again. Son, you’d just won over an MLB scout aged 14 in a matter of seconds whilst casually messing around at some public cage, and even then you didn’t see a reason to be proud.”

“Just because you can’t see a reason, doesn’t mean it’s not there.” His father added a moment later whilst Josh contemplated what he had said.

“They want to give me leave from the unit Father.”  
“Wonderful.”  
“I can choose, 8 hours day leave twice or 16 hours overnight leave once.”  
“Wow, that’s amazing Joshua!” The older man seemed genuine. “Have you decided which route you’re gonna take?”  
“Neither probably,” he stopped pulling on the thread of his pants and started playing with his hair instead. His roots were showing through dreadfully, and his sides were in desperate need of a shave, but it was hardly a priority.

“Are you scared?”  
“Terrified.”  
“Why?”   
“Because,” Josh wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. “Because something’s going to go wrong, I can just tell.”  
“Now now Joshua, let’s not accept it as inevitable already,”  
“It is inevitable though, there’s, there’s no way I’ll ever be able to cope with all the anxiety.”

“Come on, let’s talk about this, why are you anxious?”  
“Because I won’t have the support workers with me when I’m in the community, and that makes me anxious, and when I get anxious I trigger episodes, and being scared of episodes is making me anxious, which is gonna give me an episode, which makes me anxious, and, and it’s just this shitty never ending cycle.” He vented a little, only realising once he finished that he had sworn. Just as he was about to apologise, his father started to talk.

“What can the support workers provide that Debby can’t?”  
“They’re trained in how to keep me safe.”  
“And she knows you a thousand times better than they ever will. She knows what makes you feel comfortable and safe and secure, she adores you and I’m absolutely certain she’ll go above and beyond to ensure your home leave is a success.”  
“I know,”   
“But?” Father could hear his reservations.   
“This sounds pathetic, but I’m so scared about going back to the apartment.”  
“Your place? How come?” He asked and Josh took another moment to think about his reply.

“After I visited Jordan, we went back there for the rest of my time off the ward, but Jenna and Tyler, my roommates, were out.”  
“Right,”  
“They’d gone to this meeting for Tyler regarding the sexual assault, he actually sat down with his abuser for the first time, and when he came back he was completely exhausted and incredibly vulnerable. I, um, I was sat on the couch, and Ty came in, and he didn’t say a word but he just climbed up next to me and cried against my chest, and then the next thing I knew it was time to leave.”

“I’m listening son, I am, and your friend sounds very brave, but I’m not sure I entirely understand.”  
“Back before you hospitalised me and I was living with Jenna and Tyler, I treated them both like shit, like complete and utter shit. I screamed in their faces, smashed their home to smithereens, tried to choke Tyler, triggered flashbacks. I, I was horrific,”  
“But you weren’t yourself Joshua,”  
“They still deserve an apology, a proper apology, and I’m scared that Tyler’s going to think that I took advantage of the fact he needed me last week and presume I expect him to forgive me when he’s perfectly in his right to tell me to jog on.” He thought aloud.

“Joshua, he’s your best friend, he’ll understand.”  
“He’s also a victim of domestic and sexual abuse who I pinned against the wall and tried to throttle. I triggered a major relapse in his mental wellbeing. Major.”  
“It wasn’t your intention, you weren’t well. You’re not well.”  
“And I’m nervous I won’t be well when I go back again this time and I’ll have another episode and start hurting them both again and Jenna will have to kick me out again and things will fall apart again.”   
“They won’t, we won’t let them.” Father sighed.

“Listen, this is just an idea and you can be honest with me, but how about you try taking some time off the unit and spending it with me? We don’t have to do the full 8 hours if you’re not feeling up to it, but maybe I could come and collect you for 2 or 3 as a trial?” He suggested. “Just you and me, no scary family, no anxiety provoking situations with your friends, just some father son time?”  
“Doing what?”  
“Whatever you’d like Joshua. Does my estate make you feel anxious?”  
“Not as anxious as my apartment.”   
“Okay, so how about you and I spend the afternoon together tomorrow, we could watch some sports, or converse some more, or even play a little baseball if it’s not too painful?”  
“Maybe,” he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore.

“You have a think, and if you want to go ahead then I’ll call Dr Cooper and get some advice about how I can look after you when you’re off the ward.”  
“You don’t have to do this Father,”  
“I want to Joshua.”  
“Are you sure you should be thinking about me right now? Shouldn’t your attention be on Jord?”  
“I’ve been by his bedside for the last 2 days literally without interruption or exception for even a second, I can spare 20 minutes for my oldest boy.”

Hearing him call him his boy was odd. It was unfamiliar, and strange, and incredibly loving in a way that both twisted and warmed his insides.

“Bill, are you fucking kidding me?!” Josh flinched when he heard the harsh tones of his mother in the background of the line.   
“Laur, honey,”  
“Our son has hours, minutes, to live, and you’re taking a fucking call?! Who the FUCK is more important than your fucking SON!” Josh heard her scream, then the line went dead, and he sighed then hung the handset back on its little hook, sinking down lower in the armchair and staring at the ceiling in complete and utter confusion. What should he do next?

 

 

  
“Jenna?” Tyler groaned a little as they hobbled into the kitchen, squinting at the light and shoulders hunched anxiously.   
“Hey you,”  
“Hey, uh, what happened?” They asked with a grisly throat, climbing onto the high stool at the island, body aching and suggesting something suspicious had occurred.

“Lilly plus Zack, you do the math.”  
“Tickle fight?” Tyler sighed with a knowing smile, and Jenna nodded as she sipped her green tea.   
“For close to an hour,” she shook her head in a joking disapproving manner. “You’ve been napping ever since.”  
“And Zack?”  
“Gone down to the store to pick up some groceries with Debby.”

“Thank you Jenna,”   
“Hmm?” She looked up confused.   
“For just being amazing, for accepting the fact that sometimes a 4 year old girl controls my body and sometimes you don’t get to see me for days on end and sometimes I’m a crying screaming mess. Thank you.”  
“Oh don’t started getting all soppy on me now,” their girlfriend tutted as she put down her mug and reached her hand out to hold theirs fondly.

“I love you,”  
“I love you too baby,” she squeezed. “All of you.”

“Wait, who was that?” They noticed a bright blue bandaid covering part of their forearm.   
“Cassie, she paid us a flying visit yesterday.”  
“Eugh, I’m so sorry, how bad was she?”  
“She tried the wine glass trick, took a while to calm down but we plonked her in front of a bath bomb and then she was an easy pushover for Lil.”

“Lilly’s doing so well recently.”  
“You all are darling,” Jenna smiled proudly, holding out her other arm too and gesturing for them to step closer until they were pulled into a tight and supportive hug that they didn’t realise they were desperate for until her arms were holding them close.

“I know it’s been kind of, well, really shitty recently, and I’m sorry you’ve had to endure that, but guys I have never been prouder of you than I have these past few days. You’re working as a team, you’re communicating with each other, you’re compromising and thinking logically about who’s best suited to a situation and stepping back when you know someone else can do a better job at staying safe without underestimating anyone. I can tell that you’re united and determined and working together really really well Ty.”

It was something that Tyler had been aware of recently. Things inside were more harmonious than in the past, and yet external circumstances were far from ideal. Of course things weren’t perfect, he hated that they had to rely on Michael to get through the anniversary, and he felt guilty for exploiting the innocence of the littleones on harder days, and wished he could do more for little Henry, but as a unit they were operating strongly.

Sometimes there was a little bit too much politics in the system for his liking. The bigger personalities would pressure the less secure ones into doing favours for them, and there often arguments about whether everyone was doing their part or getting enough time to front, but Tyler liked it when they all understood that they had to pull together to survive. And that’s what they’d been doing recently, pulling together like the family they are.

“Oh babe,” Jenna brought Tyler’s attention back to the kitchen as she wiped a tear from their cheek. “I’m sorry hun,”  
“No no, we’re okay, I’m just proud of them Jen,” Tyler explained with a tearful and discrete smile, and she laughed supportively then kissed their forehead.

“Rightfully so, they’re amazing, you’re, you’re all amazing, and if I’m perfectly honest I’m not quite sure how you’ve managed to get through these past few weeks, but you have, because you’re spectacular and magnificent and so damn strong.”

“I, I wish, I wish I could have found more ways to let you know I was okay,”  
“Well you weren’t always okay, and that’s allowed Ty, that’s to be expected, and truthfully it would be a little odd if you were okay all the time.”  
“But Blurryface, when he was telling you I was dead, I should have found a way to let you know I was only benched.”  
“Sweetheart you did tell me, remember? You overpowered him to let me know,”   
“Even sooner.”  
“You did your best, and honestly his bark was worse than his bite.” Jenna told them, arms still wrapped around their torso lovingly.

“I’m sorry nonetheless. I’ll make sure he never comes out again.”  
“Tyler, you have all your parts for a reason, they’re each needed for a purpose, and I don’t want you to force anyone else into a Blurry-sized hole, yeah? If something happens that’s worthy of a response from him, it’s okay to let him out, alright?” Jenna didn’t seem quite as scared as she should be of the horrible horrible demon.   
“He’s an attempted murderer with a blood-lust, I’m never going to let him out again.”  
“Okay darling, maybe, maybe that’s for the best. He was very cruel.” She changed her tune very quickly, but Tyler didn’t want to get caught up on it.

“The worst thing about having to share the body with the rest of the system is having to share you.” Tyler’s hand found her delicate jawline, softly cupping it whilst stroking her cheek with their thumb. “I don’t care if it’s selfish, I want you all to myself, I hate feeling like there’s always a ticking clock looming over us, like our time together is always rushed.”  
“You do have me all to yourself Ty, I’ve never been with anyone else and I never will be. I’m all yours.”

“I love watching when you bond with the others, when you play with Lilly and gossip with Willow, but all the time I’m wishing it was me, wishing I could be with you all the time.”  
“Tyler, don’t watch too closely all the time, yeah? Because when you’re telling me you’re watching, you’re telling me that you’re staying close to the surface, and that means you’re not switching off and you’re not relaxing and you’re not getting the breaks you need. I imagine that it can be really difficult not to at least keep an eye on what’s happening, but you have to do your best to trust that the others are acting responsibly and not doing anything they shouldn’t be. Whether that be acting inappropriately with me, or doing something that’s not necessarily in the best interest of the system.”

“I trust them, I do, and I trust you of course, I just miss you whenever I’m away.”  
“I miss you too Ty, so much, but we just have to make the moments we have together count. They might not be 24 hours a day, but they have to feel like it.” Her hand played with their hair fondly. “And that doesn’t mean indulging in everything that differs our relationship from the others’, we don’t need to be having sex and going on crazy romantic dates every single time you’re fronting, we just need to appreciate each other’s company, yeah?”  
“Yeah,” Tyler agreed with a giddy smile, suddenly relishing in the privacy they had and taking advantage of it by pressing their lips to hers, first slowly, then more passionately.

Often when they kissed, he’d be partially distracted whilst trying to find ways to ensure that the littleones weren’t looking and the trauma holders weren’t getting worked up, but not this time. Tyler trusted the system to take care of one another so he could live in the moment, soaking in his beautiful girlfriend and consuming her every inch.

“I love you,” she murmured when they briefly broke contact to change the angles of their heads and take in more breath to sustain the kiss.   
“I love you too.” Tyler grinned before pressing back against her, feeling the excitement that came with love without the responsibility of the others.

“Are you still planning to propose?”  
“How did...?” They asked as she giggled, nestling into their chest. “Yes, but planning has had to take a break recently so I’m not quite ready just yet.”  
“We don’t need to go to Paris baby,”  
“But I do need to woo you. Please Jenna? Let me woo you?”  
“Okay,” she giggled again then found their lips once more.

 

 

 

Jenna still felt like she was floating, even though several hours had passed since Tyler had fronted, and she hated to admit it but not even seeing Debby come in from the balcony with tear streaming down her face was enough to pull her from cloud 9, although it did tug on her heart strings.

“Can we talk?” Debby squeaked as she came over to where Jenna was sat on the couch, but then noticed the system on the floor and changed her mind. “Sorry, sorry, you’re busy, never mind.”   
“No it’s okay, they’re dissociating, I’ll grab Zack to take over watching them then we can go talk in your room if you want?”  
“Jenna it’s fine, they’re sick, focus on them,” she sniffed.   
“Honestly, they’ll be alright without me for two ticks.” Jenna was quite certain of it, watching as the system lay captain-less on the ground, staring blankly at the ceiling with one hand tracing circles into the thick rug absently.

“You sure? They don’t look okay.”  
“Yeah, they’re just a bit overwhelmed with information and need some time off to get on top of it all. It’s been an emotional day, an emotional month really, so it’s perfectly normal for them to slip into essentially power saving mode. It’s hardly the most pleasant thing for them to come back from, but it needs to happen to give everyone time to heal and gather again.” Jenna explained her take of things, then climbed off the couch to be by their side on the floor.

“Sweetheart I’m gonna pop next door for a minute with Debby, but I’ll get your brother to come and sit with you, okay? And if you can come back whilst he’s here then he’ll fill you in on what you’ve missed and help you place yourself again, but if you need a bit longer then I’ll be back and I’ll do it, okay poppet?” She murmured to them lovingly, knowing Debby was crying but not letting the pressure make her rush. With a soft hand, she stroked their hair once, then stood up and headed towards the guest room whilst Debby mopped up some of her tears with the sleeves of her sweater.

“Zack?”  
“Howdee.” He looked up from his laptop with a grin.   
“Hey, mind taking a shift with your sibling? Debby’s upset,”  
“Sure thing, no worries,” Zack closed it and hopped out of bed, following her back into the lounge.

“Ah,” He said once he saw the state they were in. “Dissociating?”  
“Yep,”  
“Tried all the usual tricks? Bunny? Ice?”  
“Yep all of that, they’re in no rush to come back. Can you just sit with them?”  
“Sure thing.” The younger brother nodded and Jenna smiled, then turned to face Debby and laced her arm around hers before leading the way to Josh and her bedroom.

“Alright Missy, what’s going on?” Jenna finally asked once they were both laying on the bed on top of the duvet.   
“I just got a call from St Mary’s,” she began tearfully.   
“Is Josh okay?”  
“Yeah, yeah he is, Dr Cooper said he’s been doing really well today, he went to CBT which was progressive apparently, and group therapy where he contributed for the first time,”  
“Oh that’s great Debby, good for him,”

“Only thing is, Dr Cooper rang to say that J is gonna take his leave tomorrow, but he wants to take it with his dad.” Her face crinkled and suddenly she began sobbing. Jenna sighed and pulled her close, not rushing to say anything, just stroking her hair softly.

“A-and I know I’m overreacting, I know,” she squeaked against her chest.   
“No you’re not, he’s your boyfriend, he’s sick, you’re worried and you miss him. You’re not overreacting.” Jenna hummed as her friend tried to catch her breath.

“I thought he’d want to be with me, wh-why, why did he choose Bill over me? After everything, why go back there?”  
“I mean there’s always the possibility that he’s not quite thinking logically, which is okay, we know why that is, and I’m sure Dr Cooper wouldn’t let him do anything dangerous. But Debby, I think there’s a very real chance that him and his dad might be trying to rebuild some bridges, and I think that’s great.”  
“Even after the way his parents treated him?” Debby whispered, reaching up to wipe her tears. “Jenna they pushed him to the point where he wanted to die,”

“I’ve never met them, but I did know Josh when he first moved to Columbus all those years ago. When Tyler bumped into him in that chemist and took him back to the Joseph’s house, and then when he moved in for good, he hated his parents. He hated them with every fibre of his being, he was fuelled by hatred all day long and kept up all through the night by it too. It was giving him panic attacks, it was often reflected into himself which resulted in cutting, he even started getting paranoia. He had this obsession that his parents were sending spies to track him down and drag him back, and it was nowhere near as bad as how sick he’s been recently, but it was devastating enough that he had to drop out of high school and Kelly had to quit her job to care for him for 6 months.” Jenna recalled the bad times from all the way back then.

“But over the years, that’s changed. Maybe it was moving away from the area where things finally boiled over once Tyler and Josh bought this place, maybe it was meeting you, I’m not sure, but one thing I am sure of is that he’s no longer fuelled by hate. I don’t know whether he’s forgiven his parents, but I do know that his thoughts aren’t dominated by them anymore. He’s got a life of his own now, with you, and he’s learned that he’s more than Bill and Laura’s son, he’s become his own person and he has got so much happier. 5 years is a long time, and I truly believe that Josh has found a certain degree of peace and acceptance regarding his relationship with his parents.”  
“Yeah,” Debby sniffed, listening closely.

“They don’t have a hold over him anymore, I should imagine he’s nervous, but he’s not backed into a corner anymore Debby. He knows you’re here for him. And I’m sure Bill has done some thinking over the last 5 years too, maybe even come to regret his behaviour. I can’t say with certainty that he’s a completely different person, I’m just saying that 5 years is a long time for a person to change in, and Jordan’s health issues have no doubt had some impact on him, brought up some questions about his role as a father. Maybe now’s the perfect chance for Josh to finally get some closure on the events of his childhood, and start having a positive relationship with his dad.”

“I feel so bad for making this about me, but I can’t help wishing he was having these conversations with me,”  
“I know babe, I know,” Jenna sympathised.   
“Sometimes it feels like he’s shutting me out, like he’s punishing me for leaving.” She started sobbing again.   
“No Debby, no, nobody blames you for this, no, you were threatened and the security of your loved ones was threatened and you did exactly the right thing by doing what you were told rather than provoking Blurry. This is not your fault, nobody thinks it is, and I guarantee if you call St Mary’s back right now and ask to speak to your boo then he’ll say the exact same thing. This is not your fault.”

“I can’t call him,” she sniffed after a moment of contemplating.   
“I’ll hold your hand the whole time if you need me to.”  
“No, he, he’s got a long day ahead of him tomorrow, I won’t add any weight to his load.”  
“Okay darling, but don’t keep this all bundled up inside, even if you end up venting to the mailman, make sure you’re vocal, yeah? We need to keep an eye on everyone’s mental wellbeing at the moment, not just those with a diagnosis.”  
“Yeah,”

“This has been the month from hell, but we’re close to the finish line, we’ve almost got through it, we just need to push through the home straight and then things will calm down I promise. We’re nearly there.”  
“How can you be so sure?” Debby whispered.   
“Because I know your man, and I know my man, and I know my man’s pals, and all of them have been through rough patches before, but that’s all they are, patches. They always come out the other side eventually, and I’ve got a feeling in my toes that’s telling me the days of joy by the bucket load aren’t far away at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps not my best chapter, but this is a step towards at least, and content after a rather long drought! Sorry about that! I’ve not been very well and have needed some time in hospital to sort my head out, but thankfully I’ve recovered to the stage where I’ve now been discharged :D
> 
> Being back in the community is tricky and I have been struggling a little with harming and a fair amount with compulsions. It is a slight back step from how I was doing in the last few weeks of hospital, however that’s understandable. It’s a lot of stress and pressure to be back in the real world. 
> 
> Hopefully things will settle soon, and there will be a couple more updates in the near future xxx


	32. Chapter 32

Even thought Josh knew his father wasn’t going to collect him from St Mary’s, he couldn’t help the way his stomach sunk when he saw Eleanor alone in the reunion room. The assistant smiled and exchanged brief words with Dr Cooper whilst Josh concentrated on not puking, too scared to risk opening his mouth to contribute to the conversation in case anxiety got the better of him and his ugly hospital fleece was decorated with his breakfast.

Eventually the pair finished the pleasantries and Josh was wished a sincere good luck by the doctor, then whisked away and bundled into the back of a chauffeur driven Mercedes. He sat facing forwards on the right side, staring out of the window, and El sat backwards with her bun hovering close to the partition and her mind deeply engrossed in the iPad she was working on.

Neither of them said a word for the entire journey.

He’d known the woman for at least 10 years, maybe even closer to 15, and she had aged very well. She was young when she started, and in spite of all the pressure Father liked to apply to those around him, she still looked young and still looked beautiful. Her slick bun was accompanied by a small clip covered in diamonds, no doubt real, and she wore a delicately applied pink lipstick that supplied the only pop of colour to her otherwise dark outfit. The dress she had on was black and tight and flattering, and accompanied by a simple black blazer. Black, the colour of mourning, and he had a fairly firm idea who she was mourning.

Josh told himself not to think about it, and to his slight surprise, his mind moved on. The advantage of crippling anxiety was that there was always something else to be working yourself up over. And so for the rest of the car ride, Josh silently panicked over whether Tyler was ever going to forgive him, and whether he was ever going to get better enough to be discharged and go back to Debby, and whether his mother would be waiting at the entrance of the house to scream at him and slap him until he wanted to die again.

It was safe to say that by the time they arrived at the estate and Charles had opened his door for him, Josh was pretty close to tears and had to dig deep to even be able to step out of the vehicle and onto the crunchy stones.

“S’good to see you again kid.” The chauffeur whispered discretely and unprofessionally, and yet fondly. Josh nodded appreciatively, then remembered to force a smile and make brief eye contact with the old man.  
“You too,”  
“Go on, Eleanor’s waiting, but I’ll see you later.”  
“O-okay,” he stumbled on his words a little then looked to see his father’s assistant stood patiently, waiting to escort him to the grand entrance. With slightly numb feet looking foolish in his regulation St Mary’s slippers, Josh followed her up the stairs and through the excessively large doors, only to be met by 3 men dressed in black Kevlar and armed.

“Welcome sir, can I please ask you to stand with your feet apart and your arms out.” One of them said to him.  
“El?” Josh looked to her for encouragement, and saw she was already in the position with one of the men patting her down.  
“New security procedure Mr Joshua, there’s no need to be alarmed.”  
“It’ll only take a moment.” The security guard insisted, so Josh shakily held his arms outwards and tried to keep his breathing steady as the man ran his hands over every inch of Josh’s body. It felt like much longer than a single moment.

“Thank you sir, you may proceed.” He seemed satisfied with his findings and so stepped aside to allow Josh to pass into his old home. He took a few seconds to gather himself, then started walking by Eleanor’s side once again.

“Wh-where, where’s Father?”  
“Mr Dun has requested I take you to meet him in Jordan’s peace garden.” She answered as they weaved through the huge rooms that he barely recognised. “Would you like anything to drink?”  
“No, n-no thank you,”  
“How about a pair of shoes?” Her gaze fell to his slippers.  
“The hospital, they um, they, there’s a rule, no shoes, we uh, they, they took my shoes, I h-have to wear th-these,”  
“Please don’t feel you have to explain yourself sir, would you like me to locate a pair of sneakers for you?”  
“Um, uh, uh,” Josh thought about it, remembering all the risks Dr Cooper had explained, the potential for tying ligatures with laces or self bruising with thick rubber soles. Even though he didn’t have any urges yet, he knew it wouldn’t take much for him to spiral, and he didn’t want to risk it.

“N-no thanks,”  
“Of course sir - is there anything else I can do for you?”  
“No, I don’t think so, no,”  
“Well you just let me know.” She smiled as she opened a set of French doors and lead him across a large expanse of decking then down several marble steps. Her high heels clicked loudly and Josh stared at his own feet as they walked in silence, before finally a familiar voice boomed across the garden and he looked to see his father standing up from a chair.

“Joshua! Son,” he greeted him with genuine warmth and Josh smiled and held out his hand to be shaken, but Father casually batted it away and pulled him into a tight tight hug. He couldn’t hug back, arms pinned to his side, but nonetheless he enjoyed being held for those brief few seconds.

“You been taking care of my boy El?” Father turned to his assistant with one hand firmly holding him by the shoulder.  
“Yeah she has.” Josh whispered.  
“Good good.” He squeezed.  
“Can I do anything for you sir?”  
“I need you to chase up that florist for me, we need at least 24 bouquets within the day, the rest can come tomorrow, plus call my wife’s assistant for me and tell her to let Laura know that Patrizio is landing at 3, oh and get Matéo to gather the boys together and start trimming the trees today.”  
“Which trees would that be sir?” She looked up from the iPad she was scrawling on.  
“All of those, they’ve been spoiling my view.” He pointed at the line on the opposite boundary of the far field.  
“Yes sir.”  
“Right - you need anything Joshua?”  
“N-No,”  
“Well you’re dismissed then El,”  
“Thank you sir,” She nodded then headed back towards the house, leaving Joshua alone with his father.

“How was the drive?” Father asked, showing him back to the place he had been sat. Two whicker armchairs clad with cushions were turned ever so slightly towards each other with a small cream-stone mosaic table between them. A glass bottle was a third full with amber scotch, and two crystal glasses were sat upon coasters.

They overlooked a perfectly rectangular shallow pool of still water which looked beautiful as it reflected the sun which was still new in the sky, but Josh wasn’t looking at that, he was looking at the man lurking a few metres away. Just like the men at the door, he was dressed in all black and wore a bulletproof vest.

“Son?”  
“Oh, uh, good, yeah,”  
“Take a seat,” He pointed to one whilst sitting in the other, pouring himself a healthy serving of scotch then resting back and looking at him. “How’s St Mary’s?”  
“Quiet, yeah, few people have been discharged or gone on leave recently, so it’s kinda empty.”  
“But they’re looking after you?”  
“Y-Yeah, um,”

“Nervous?” Father smiled and Josh nodded, tugging his sleeves over his knuckles. “That’s okay kid, you’re allowed to be nervous, just remember that I’m not gonna let anything bad happen to you, yeah? You’re my boy.”  
“Thanks Father.” He wasn’t convinced, but appreciated the gesture.

“Um, how, h-how are you?”  
“Me?” Father seemed surprised to be asked, unbuttoning his blazer and then resting his head against his fist, thinking before he responded. “We lost your brother yesterday.”  
“Oh,”  
“Yeah, 3.52pm, in his sleep. No pain, no distress. Seemed peaceful.”  
“Good.” He gulped, not really knowing what to say or think or feel.

“He’s in the hospice at the moment, your mother and sisters are saying their goodbyes, then we’re going to move him to the funeral parlour tomorrow and the actual funeral will be the end of the week. The plan is to have a small intimate service with a choir at the parlour, then a larger wake back here. We’re going to have him cremated then spread a few of his ashes in the river by the hospital he was born in, and keep the majority in an urn in our home.”

“Are you okay?”  
“Had the best night of sleep I’ve had in weeks last night.” Father told him, picking up his glass and sipping from it slowly.  
“Sh-should you be drinking? It’s 10 in the morning,” Josh asked a little shyly.  
“Morning after my son died.” His smile was too wide with his bottom lip hidden too much. “Besides, your mother’s gonna be home in a few hours, I need all the liquid courage I can get.”  
“How is she?”  
“Hysterical.” He put the now empty glass back on the coaster.

“Should you be with her? And Ash and Ab? Saying goodbye to Jordan?” Josh didn’t even notice the tear that ran down his left cheek.  
“And cancel on you? No, never.”  
“I’m sorry Father.” He didn’t even know what exactly he was apologising for, but he knew he needed to.  
“Don’t be sorry. You’re providing a welcome distraction, but more than that, you’re an important part of my life that’s been missing recently, and I’m desperate to amend that. Honestly Joshua, I’m grateful you’ve even given me the opportunity to have you back in my life.”

Josh wanted to listen to his father’s words, and he wanted to be thinking about his baby brother’s ascension to heaven, and he wanted to be in the moment and stay calm, but he couldn’t stop watching the ominous figure stood behind his father. The man’s hands were folded behind his back and out of sight, meaning Josh had a clear view of not only the handgun he was armed with, but also the sheath of a knife that could be plunged into his throat at any moment.

“Father,” his voice shook as his thoughts raced.  
“Yes Joshua?”  
“Is, i-is he real? Can you see him too?” Josh squeaked and his dad twisted to see what he was talking about.  
“My security detail? Yes son, he’s real. Why, is he scaring you?”  
“He, he,” suddenly his mind went off like a gunshot. “The Snake, Joaquin, Joaquin sent him to kill me! Father he’s going to kill me!”

“Hey hey hey, Joshua, Joshua look at me.” A soft gravelly voice was suddenly closer to him, and someone was holding his hand, but Josh was cowering with wet eyes squeezed closed, begging himself to sob quieter. “Joshua,”  
“F-Fa-Father, we, we have to run!”  
“Look at me.” He insisted, and so Josh managed to peel his eyes open again, choking on his tears as he saw his dad crouched opposite him, still gripping his hand tightly.

“You are safe.”  
“S-Sn-Snake, he’s going to kill me! Going to kill Debby!”  
“No Joshua, that’s in your mind, nobody wants to hurt you. Do you remember where you’ve been staying recently?”  
“M-Mary, St, St M-Mary’s,”  
“Well done, that’s right, and you’ve been staying there because sometimes your imagination comes up with scary ideas that aren’t based on reality Joshua. I know why you think that man is not a friend, it’s because you’re anxious about being here and you’re understandably upset about your brother, and it’s all a bit too much. But son, you don’t need to be scared, alright? You don’t need to be scared, your father’s here and I am going to protect you. I’ll protect you from any threat, even those from within.”

Josh knew what he was trying to say, that the thoughts were delusions, but even with a slight hint of awareness, he still couldn’t accept that the man with the gun wasn’t a threat.

“Why’s he here?” Josh whispered tearfully.  
“Do you remember our house in Mumbai?”  
“Y-y-yeah,”  
“Describe it for me Joshua.” He was clearly trying to distract him, but Josh needed the distraction.  
“B-blue, blue curtains, ma-marble c-columns, a-and the p-pool was s-salt w-water,”  
“That’s Dhaka son, do you remember Mumbai?”  
“N-no,” Josh hiccuped, and his father smiled softly then reached out with his spare hand and pushed Josh’s hair back out of his face, then slotted behind his ear and stroked back and forth comfortingly with his thumb.

“That’s okay, you’re okay. Our house in Mumbai got broken into,”  
“By Joaquin S-Sanchez!” He blurted out.  
“No Joshua, by some hooligans, some nobodies. Not the Snake guy, he’s not real, yeah? Just some hooligans.”  
“So why’s he here?!” Josh cried, desperate for answers.  
“Because a couple of the staff got shot in the burglary, so I fired my head of security and brought in a whole new team, and he’s a tad over the top, hence the guards all over the place. The guard is here to protect our family, he works for me and that means he works for you. He’s not going to hurt you, he’s going to keep you safe, okay?”

Josh wanted to believe him, he desperately wanted to, but the thoughts were too loud and too overpowering.

“Shall I call him over?”  
“The assassin?”  
“No Joshua, the man who’s protecting us. Would talking to him help, or do you want me to ask him to step down?” His hand was still firm wrapped around the base of Josh’s skull, keeping him strangely grounded.  
“I, I, I want to ask him a question.”  
“Okay son, but if you need him to go away then either say it or wink at me, yeah?”  
“Y-Yeah.” Josh nodded. His father stood up and straightened his blazer, then kissed the top of Josh’s head before sitting down in his own seat again and beckoning to the looming figure behind them.

“Come here sport, round the front, I need to have a word.”  
“Yes sir,” the armed guard boldly strode until he was stationed in front of them both, and Josh felt embarrassed to be crying but simultaneously completely petrified.

“What’s your name?”  
“Max Stevenson sir,”  
“Tell me this, you ex military?”  
“Yes sir,”  
“Been out much?”  
“4 tours, 2 Iraq, 2 Afghan sir,”  
“With who?”  
“Enlisted to Marine Corps, got inducted to Force Recon sir,”  
“And now you’re in the private contract game?”  
“With all due respect sir, just till the next war,” the foreboding character said, chilling Josh to his very core.

“Tell me Max, why enlist?”  
“Because America is the greatest country in the world and I’m willing to die to protect it.”  
“So you signed up to protect people, not hurt people?”  
“That is correct sir.” He nodded, and Father turned to Josh to check whether that was enough to convince him.

“How much does Joaquin Sanchez pay you?” Josh sniffed.  
“My apologies sir, I’m not sure who that is,”  
“The Snake? He hired you.”  
“Sir, my employer at Titan Defence is Mr Alexei Penev, and our contract is currently with Mr William Dun.” The soldier said, and yet still Josh wasn’t satisfied.

“Max, this handsome fella is my son, Joshua,”  
“Pleasure to meet you Mr Joshua.”  
“As you may know, I lost my son yesterday, and Joshua lost his brother.”  
“My condolences to the both of you.”  
“Joshua is also sick, and you’ve upset him Max, you’ve scared him.”  
“That was not my intention sir, and I apologise.”

“Max, I need you to place your gun and your knife on the table, then walk away a few paces.”  
“I’m afraid I’m unable to do that for you sir, Mr Penev has a very strict procedure regarding-”  
“Max, I don’t remember posing a question, I remember giving an order.”  
“Mr Dun-“  
“Listen here kid, you’ve got 5 seconds to take that gun from that holster, remove the magazine and clear the chamber. If you don’t, I’ll see to it personally that Alexei never assigns you a contract again.”  
“Understood sir.” The man’s hand went straight to his gun and Josh held his breath at he made the firearm safe and then put it down on the table with a small sigh.

“And the knife.”  
“Yes sir.” He pulled out a huge ka-bar combat knife and also set that down.

“Now I’m gonna tell you exactly what’s about to happen. I’m about to take my boy inside, try and settle him, make him feel comfortable and secure, like you’re supposed to be doing for us now. You are not to follow us. You are not to touch either of those toys until we are indoors. I repeat, you are not to follow us - you’ll remained posted outdoors for the rest of your shift. Whilst I’m showing Joshua in, you’re to hop on that pesky comms system of yours and you’re to tell the rest of the Titan team that I am not to see another member for the rest of the day. If Joshua or I see any of Alexei’s men, they’ll be expelled from this contract, kapeesh?”  
“Yes sir.”  
“Nobody scares my son, especially not those I employ to protect him. Understood.”  
“Yes sir.”  
“Good,” a false smile returned to Father’s face.

“Right kiddo, should we go find somewhere a bit nicer to sit?”  
“Please.” He nodded frantically, scrambling to his feet shakily and wrapping his arms across his chest protectively. His father also stood, then poured himself another huge helping of scotch whilst Josh stared at the blade on the table with wide pricking eyes, begging himself to stay calm, to not give in to the voice telling him to tear his wrists to shreds with the beautifully sharp edge of the metal.

“Joshua.”  
“S-sorry,”  
“Don’t look at that, it’s not going to hurt you kid. Come on,” Father held the crystal glass down by his side with one hand, then reached out and held Josh’s upper arm with the other, curling around him fondly and guiding him back up towards the huge house at the end of the lantern lined path they were following.

“I’m sorry Joshua, completely my own fault, I should have thought about the Titan guys, what that might have looked like to you. I’m sorry I didn’t.” He sighed. “Did they search you on the way in too?”  
“Y-yeah,”  
“Were you okay with them touching you? Be honest.”  
“I, I, I’m ok-kay with t-touching, I just, I didn’t know who they were, it, it s-scared m-me.”  
“I’m sorry son. I know you’re scared to be off the ward, and I promised I’d create a safe environment for you, and I haven’t. I’m sorry.”  
“S-S’okay, I’m, I-I’m okay,” Josh hiccuped, not used to hearing his father be so apologetic, and knowing that everything with Jordan was most likely weighing heavy on his mind.

“This arm of yours, this bicep, it’s mighty thick Joshua. Have you been working out?” Again another distraction technique.  
“I, uh, I, before all of this, I w-was a personal trainer.”  
“Oh wow. And you still are son, you still are, you just need a little time off to get your thoughts in order. Once you’re healthy again and ready to start reintroducing things again, I’m sure all your clients will still be there, excited to have you back.”

“I um, it, I, I’m part time, and also a p-part time florist.”  
“Florist?”  
“Y-yeah,” he nodded shakily as they ascended back up the marble steps, his Father still holding him close, supporting him.  
“I could have guessed a career in sport and exercise, but floristry? Not top of my list I have to admit. How did you get into that?”  
“K-Kelly,”  
“Your friend’s mother? Who you moved in with?”  
“Yeah, she, um, her friend from church is a florist, a-and she went on v-vacation, so Kelly looked after the sh-shop and I helped and l-loved it. I a-asked Ethel when she came b-back if I could still h-help, and she g-gave me a j-job,”  
“Oh well done Joshua, good for you.” He seemed sincere, then let go of his arm so he could open the French windows and let them into the house. Once they were inside, he didn’t go back to holding Josh, but still he walked by his side, listening to him closely.

“I, I r-really enjoy it.”  
“I’m glad son. See, even with your dyslexia there are so many doors open to you, doors I didn’t even think about. Back when you were a kid living with me, I have to admit that I was stressed about your future, desperate to make sure you still had a fulfilling and happy life in spite of your condition, and we both know how that presented itself. I got fixated on baseball, I went too far, and you’re allowed to hate me for that Joshua, but please also know that I am so proud of you son, so proud. You didn’t need my help, not really, you’ve got aspirations and goals and the drive to make them happen. You’ve thought outside the box and found a career that’s making you happy, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you kid.”

“I did need your help Father,” he sniffed as they walked through the halls of the great home.  
“I’m sorry, poor wording, I know you needed me Joshua, that children deserve supportive parents and you needed a supportive role model in your life which I just couldn’t be. What I meant to say was a compliment, an ode to how able you are, that even without my input, you’ve been able to have not one but two successful careers. That’s amazing Joshua. You’re amazing.”

Josh didn’t know what to say in response to that, just put the side of his thumb in his mouth and chewed on the nail as Father finally settled on a place that would host them, showing him into a room furnished with several cream leather couches that he gestured for Josh to sit on. He did, sliding his slippers off and folding his legs up to his chest whilst glancing around at the huge cases of antique books decorating two walls, and a fireplace on another.

“I’m going to call the kitchen and ask them to get you some water, do you want a hot towel too? To wipe your face?”  
“Yes please.” He nodded, watching as his father took an internal phone off the wall and dialled a single number then held it to his ear with an impatient hum.

“Hi Maria, can we get a bottle of Veen and a glass down here please, no ice, Joshua doesn’t like it, and can we get a hot towel too. Great, thanks.”

To his slight surprise, rather than sitting on the arm chair across from him, his father chose to sit down on the same couch as Josh, right next to him. He put his scotch on a glass table in front of them, then relaxed back into the cushioning and smiled across at his son, the deep bags under his eyes emphasised.

“You remembered.”  
“Hmm?”  
“About the ice, you remembered.” Josh smiled to himself ever so slightly.  
“Course I did, I’m not that old.” He laughed. “Speaking of which, I also remembered it was your birthday the other week too. You celebrate?”  
“Yeah,”  
“What did you get up to?”  
“I, uh, I teach little league baseball and we had a game, so I coached in the morning and then all the kids sang me happy birthday and we ate cake and they all got hyper, which was fun. Then me and my housemates all went to dinner in the evening, and Debby and I went dancing afterwards.”  
“You enjoy yourself?”  
“Yeah I did.”  
“Good, I’m glad son.”

“And little league hey?”  
“Yeah,” he nodded, wiping his face with the sleeve of his fleece.  
“So you don’t completely loathe baseball, that’s good.”  
“I never hated it, it’s just, it, it, it was too much pressure,”  
“I know Joshua, and I think deep down I knew you weren’t after the fame and potential glory that comes with MLB. Working with kids, volunteering and helping kids, that’s a much better suited involvement with baseball for you. It suits your character better, and you’ve got a character to be proud of.”  
“Thank you.”

“Sir,” a woman appeared in the door frame and Father beckoned her forwards. She carried a tray balanced on one hand, and used her other to carefully unload a glass, a bottle of water and a dish with a perfectly rolled hot towel onto the table. Without hesitating she took the cap off for Josh and filled the glass up two thirds, then nodded in a slight bow of respect before hurrying out of the room.  
“Thanks Maria,” Father called after her.

Josh reached out with a shaking hand and took a few small sips of drink, then went for the hot towel instead. At first it burned ever so slightly as he picked it up, but steam escaped quickly as he unrolled it, and it was the perfect temperature by the time he started cleaning the salty tears from him cheeks.

“Listen Joshua, I’ve got no ulterior motives with this, you don’t owe me anything, it doesn’t mean you forgive me if you accept it, nothing like that,”  
“What?” He whispered, putting the towel down and listening again.

“Your mother and I have decided, after Jordan’s funeral, that we’re going to leave Ohio.” Father explained, and his stomach dropped again. Just as they were starting to talk again, he was leaving? “Eventually we’re going to move back to New York, but first we’re going to spend the rest of the summer travelling in Europe with the girls, working through our grief together in the sun,”  
“Right,”

“Ashley is moving to Paris, she got into an art school there,”  
“Wow, good for her.” He tried his best to sound sincere because he was honestly proud of her, but still he couldn’t quite comprehend that he’d been trying so hard to deal with all the heartache regarding his parents, and they were leaving just like that.

“We’re going to help her get settled in, decorate the apartment and everything, then we’ll be flying back to New York when she starts in September.”  
“And Abbie?”  
“Little Abster is coming to New York with us until she’s old enough to head off to University, and right now she’s hoping to study in Europe too.”  
“Right,”

“What I’m trying to say, Joshua, is that we don’t need this house anymore. I know our usual style is to keep all our properties as investments, but your mother wants to sell this place, doesn’t want to come back to the house where Jordan deteriorated so quick, she just wants it gone. I thought about putting it on the market, but then I figured, you know what? I already know someone who needs somewhere to go.”  
“Me?”  
“Yes Joshua, you. I want to give you this place as a birthday present.”  
“Oh,”

“I thought maybe you and Debby could move in, get some privacy from your roommates, start a family - although you can do whatever you’d like with it. If you want to sell it then that’s okay, you have to remember that this is Columbus, not Bel-Air, so you can’t expect a lot for the property, I think we bought it for about 25, but with all the changes we made and the current state of the market, I reckon you’re looking at possibly 32, 33. So that’s an option. Or if you like the lot but hate the house, you could knock it down and build something more modern here instead. It’s up to you kid.”

“Father, you, y-you, you can’t just give me 33 million dollars for my birthday,”  
“Why not? You know when you’re 25 you’re going to have access to that trust fund I set up for you. There’s obviously some which has got to go the managerial trustees and good old Uncle Sam, but it’s looking like you’re gonna get about 140.”  
“I don’t want 140 million dollars Father, what am I going to do with that kind of money?”  
“Anything you want. Your mother and I have agreed to give Jordan’s to a collection of cardiac research facilities, because that’s obviously something that was very important to him. You could do something similar if you’d like? Support a cause that’s important to you? You could set up a literary centre for kids with dyslexia, or a baseball scholarship program for kids from poorer backgrounds, or fund mental health research or pay for admissions for those who can’t afford treatment, or even start a facility for children who have run away from home.” He suggested as Josh teared up.

“Joshua, I know it’s a lot of responsibility, but I’ll set you up with one of my best financial advisors and he’ll show you how to manage your money. This money, it’s going to open up so many opportunities for you.”  
“I don’t want your money Father! I want you!” He exclaimed as he started crying again.

“I, I, I, I’m not there yet! I’m not ou-out the o-other s-side, I’m not, I’m n-not ready!”  
“Not ready for what Joshua?” Father kept his voice calm, contrasting the hysterics that were already flowing through Josh’s body, making him tremble and weep.  
“To be the poster boy for hope!” Josh cried out, taking a few sobbing gulps before going on. “I c-can’t, I, I can’t fund other p-pe-people’s re-recovery when I can’t even recover mys-self! I’m st-still s-si-sick, and scared, so scared, a-a-and I’m not r-ready to he-help oth-ther people and I’m n-not ready for you to leave me!”

“Let me make a few things clear. One. I am not leaving you. New York is an hour and 20 minute flight, all it takes is one call and you can have a jet ready to bring you to my doorstop, or I can fly to you if it’s an emergency. Two. Nobody’s expecting you to start rescuing people from the depths of mental illness right this second. I merely suggested a potential field you could donate to once you have your trust fund money, which you legally can’t get to for another 3 years, so even if you were desperate to begin right this second, you can’t Joshua. You don’t need to be ready yet. Three. Yes, you’re sick, you’re having a transient psychotic episode, but by its very nature it will go away and you will recover, okay? And Joshua you are making remarkable progress, truly you are. You’re allowed to be scared, I’d be scared, but you’re not allowed to underestimate all the effort you’ve had to put in to get where you are today.”

“I just want one day, one stable day.” Josh sniffed, mopping his face.  
“Life’s chaotic at the moment, and difficult, but each crappy day you overcome is getting you closer to those stable ones you crave.”  
“They feel so far away.”

“Can I talk about Jordan for a moment? You can say no.” Father asked a moment later.  
“O-okay,”  
“When your child is dying, when you know there’s nothing more the doctors can do and nothing more you can do as a parent, there’s this strange sort of journey to acceptance that falls over you, even when they’re still alive. It’s knowing full well that something is inevitable, and trying to subdue the urges to fight it.”

“Jordan, after the transplant, he knew he was going to die. He didn’t want to worry your mother or sisters, so he didn’t tell anyone the extent of how bad he was feeling, but he came into my office one day and he started talking to me, he said Father, I don’t know what’s happening, but I think something’s wrong. We sat and talked for about a minute, and then he passed out and had a seizure right there and then.”  
“Oh,”

“At the hospital I made sure that the doctor was as positive as possible in front of your mother, but that was the day I knew things weren’t going to end how I wanted them to, how Jordan deserved them to.”  
“Mmm,”

“When he was well enough to live at home, I obviously worried about him a lot, but he was still himself. He still watched football every hour of the day, he still drank far too much soda, he still teased his sisters. He was weak, fainting a lot, vomiting a lot, had a constant fever and chill, but he was still Jordan.”  
“Yeah,”  
“I think it was once we had to move a nurse in and get him a wheelchair with a headrest and a hospital bed in a bedroom downstairs that I really started to feel like I was losing him. He had these really bad episodes of breathlessness, they started with 15 minutes of just breathing a bit quicker, but it progressed so quickly to hours of hyperventilating where he couldn’t talk without choking, and it meant he couldn’t be his cheeky charming self any more.” Father recalled sadly and Josh dabbed his tears with his palms.

“That’s when it kept me up at night, that’s when I stopped being able to concentrate on business, that’s when things got seriously scary.” He sighed. “We put him into the hospice after he had something they call an end of life episode, basically he stopped breathing.”  
“Yeah,”

“I thought the hospice would give me more peace of mind, I thought knowing he was surrounded by professionals would make me feel better, but it didn’t. In fact in many ways it was worse because he was further away from me so it took longer to get to him, and was getting sicker and sicker as well.”  
“Yeah,”  
“That’s why I bought the apartment block next to the hospice, so that our lovely ladies could be with him night and day. They wanted to be there, but primarily I didn’t want him to be alone.”  
“Yeah,”

“It went quickly in some ways. One minute he was Jordan and then the next he can’t breathe. He was there for just over a month and so much happened, honestly I don’t know how he managed to cram it into just a month, and yet each minute in that room with him dragged on and on. I was constantly on the edge of my seat, always flinching at every little movement or sound or even beep of a machine, it, it was terrifying,”  
“Course,” Josh sniffed.

“When he was dying, there was no time to sleep. He’s only got x many hours to live, I can’t waste half of those by sleeping - at least that was my logic. And of course that’s done my mental health no good, I’m utterly exhausted, but it made sense in the moment. Especially these last few days, I couldn’t bare to leave him, I didn’t want to miss a thing.”  
“Yeah,”  
“And honestly Joshua, yesterday, when he finally died, I was relieved.”  
“Because he was in p-pain?”  
“I don’t think he was, thankfully, more than anything I was relieved because he’s free now to be himself again without the shackles to a broken body, and also because I can finally get some rest.”  
“Yeah.”

“I love my son, I miss him already, and he will always hold a place in my heart. He was never a burden. It was an honour to have him in my life, it was an honour.” Father sighed, then reached out and took his glass of scotch between his thumb and his third finger, throwing a little into the back of his mouth before looking at the ground to gather himself for a few minutes.

“What I’m trying to say Joshua, is that I know what it’s like to need a break.”  
“Yeah,”  
“One of those stable days you were talking about? They sound good to me. I can’t wait for a day where it’s just, it’s just calm and steady and peaceful, you know? And I’m fully aware that those don’t start today, that I’ve got a whole lot of grieving to get through and a beautiful grieving family to support too, but we’re getting there. The fear’s gone now. The fear’s gone, the next stage is learning to live without its presence in my life.”  
“Mmm,”

“I know it’s not the same for you, but there are definitely some similarities Joshua. You’re going through something terrifying, something that keeps you up at night, and something that isn’t necessarily going to leave you as soon as it’s over.”  
“That’s what I’m scared of,” Josh was relieved someone understood. “The doctors all say that it’s extreme stress that’s giving me all these thoughts, but not to worry because it’ll be over in about a month. I know it won’t be over in a month, I know this is going to stay with me for life. I’m always going to be scared of getting stressed in case I start seeing snakes again. I’m always going to be doubting myself, second guessing whether what I’m seeing is real or not, paranoid about being pushed over the edge and tumbling back down to here again. Rock bottom.”

“I don’t think you’re at rock bottom kid.” He sighed, putting his nearly empty glass back on the table then settling back against the cushions again. “Unenviable position admittedly, but not rock bottom.”  
“Feels like I’ve lost everything.”  
“You’re very loved Joshua, very loved. You’ve got some good people in your life who care very deeply about you.”  
“Have I? I choked my best friend and broke their trust, which is very fragile and unlikely to be restored. Their girlfriend is their biggest support and will definitely take their side, so that’s my other roommate crossed off the list. I think Debby blames herself for my breakdown and no doubt once she realises the extent of what a mess I am then either she’ll feel so guilty that she’ll distance herself, or she’ll be so horrified she’ll run. You’re leaving for Paris.”

“Enough of this Joshua, you’re being far too harsh on yourself and you’re making a lot of presumptions about other people without hearing it from them. Now I don’t know about your roommate, but I do know that you need to forgive yourself for the way you acted when you were incredibly sick.”  
“I choked them.”  
“I know.”  
“You don’t understand, they were abused, they were raped, they’re not well, and-“  
“And you’ve supposedly triggered a major setback in their wellbeing, I know son, you said on the phone, it’s clearly something you’re really worried about. I wish I had an answer, but you know the only person who does?”  
“Tyler.” Josh sighed, running his hand through his hair.  
“Yeah.”

“And as for Debby,” his father continued a moment later. “She is head over heels for you. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting her and speaking to her on the phone both directly and through El. She is a lovely girl who is desperate to have you home again-“  
“What if I’m never well enough to come home?”  
“Joshua, you’re many things but you’re not a quitter. I have complete faith that you’ll be fighting this illness for as long as it takes, and maybe it’ll be another week, or maybe it’ll be a year, but I know that you will get home eventually.”

“Just be patient with yourself,”  
“I’m trying, sorry, I’m trying,” he rubbed his eye tiredly. “I sometimes just overthink things and overthink things until I get trapped in this downwards spiral of: gah you’re a failure and you’ve messed everything up and you’re never gonna get better and nobody loves you so why even bother!”  
“I can see that kid, I can hear it in your voice. You’re worn out.”  
“Yeah,” Josh admitted with a small yawn.  
“You’ve had a long morning, a crazy scary morning filled with so many challenges, and I’m not surprised they’ve tired you out and worn you down. But you know what son? You haven’t done half bad. You’ve made me a very proud father, well done.”

“I’m sorry for getting a bit, uh, a bit worked up over the security guard.”  
“Don’t apologise for it, that implies you’ve done something wrong, when that’s simply not the case. I thought you dealt with the thoughts very well.”  
“Thank you.”  
“That’s something you should bring up with Dr Cooper when you next see him - how you revert back to that first hallucination when you panic.”  
“Yeah, it uh, it happens a fair bit, we’ve talked about it briefly but you’re right, I’ll uh, I’ll bring it up again, try and talk it out.”

“Joshua, unless you’re desperately against the idea, I think I’m going to call a car.”  
“To take me back?”  
“Yeah.” His father nodded. “I’ll ride with you so we can talk some more, but you’re right about this negative mind frame and I’d hate for it to progress into an action that might mean Dr Cooper doesn’t give you more leave in the near future. Again I must impress upon you how well you’ve done, and I want this trip to end well, not be dragged out for the sake of another hour but result in a huge panic attack, or worse, yeah?”  
“O-okay,” Josh had mixed feelings about it, knowing he was overtired and it was probably a good idea to get him somewhere safe so he could relax and reflect on everything that had happen, but also genuinely enjoying his father’s company and not wanting to go back to staring at the white walls of St Mary’s.

“The funeral. Still sure you don’t want to come?”  
“I’m sure.” He nodded slowly.  
“How can I facilitate your mourning best? Do you want me to find a way you can visit him at the funeral parlour? Or shall I call you once he’s placed in the urn so you can see him then?”  
“I, um, I saw him once in five and a half years, and that one time he couldn’t communicate, we couldn’t talk. I haven’t had a physical connection with my brother in all those years, but he’s been in my heart, and he’s still there. I don’t need to be with him physically to say goodbye, because if ever I need to talk to him now then I can reach him in heaven whenever I’d like. I know he’s gone now, physically, but I don’t think it means our relationship has to change much from recent times. Already I think about what he would say in a situation, and I imagine what he’d think about things, how he’d find a way to make some crude joke about every scenario. I’ve been doing that for years, and it won’t stop now. I don’t have to say goodbye Father, he’s going nowhere for me, he’s still right here.” Josh out his hand on his chest and tapped twice.

He watched his father look up and stare at his chest for a brief moment, his line of vision flicking towards the psychiatric facility’s logo on the fleece before falling to the ground with a long sigh. His left hand was shaking ever so slightly as it reached up and scratched against his rough unshaven cheek, then fell into the grip of his other hand. He played with his wedding ring restlessly and Josh was quite sure he could see him tearing up ever so slightly.

“I’m sorry Joshua.”  
“Sorry?”  
“I didn’t mean for this, I, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, I just wanted you to play baseball well enough for you to be happy.” He said sadly. “I didn’t mean for you to have that seizure, I didn’t mean for you to start hating yourself, start hurting yourself, to run away. I didn’t mean for you to lose everything, your home, your relationships with your siblings, it wasn’t meant to be like this.”  
“I know Father, I know.” He shuffled across the couch to be closer to him, reaching out and taking one of his hands.

“But I also gained the best friend I could ever have asked for, and they showed me this whole other complex and difficult side of life that I never knew before but has sculpted me into who I am today. And do I wish things had gone a little differently? Yeah, maybe. But I have a stunning girlfriend who I love deeply and dearly, and will one day marry, I have careers that I love, I have friendships that give me purpose, and, other than this blip, I am happy. I am. I get panic attacks and they are horrible and they make me feel like I’m having the life sucked out of me, but that makes me appreciate the time between them when I’m not panicking. And I live with someone who went through something so horrific that they should hate humanity, and yet they’re kind and generous and patient and loving and inspire me every single day. They saved my life Father, truly they did, and changed it for the better, and I’m excited to get better and get home to be with them again.”

“It’s not a bad life. It’s not perfect, but it’s far from bad. I know I’ve been saying some, uh, some negative things, and it can be difficult to see out of the hole that I’ve inelegantly fallen down recently, but knowing the world has lost Jordan has reminded me to climb. I’ve gotta get out of this headspace, I’ve got to work through this, get back up and start moving forwards again.”

“I can’t lose both my boys Joshua, I can’t, you have to fight this, yeah? You have to stay safe.”  
“I will.”  
“You don’t deserve everything you’ve been put through, and I’m sorry,”  
“Father, please, you have to forgive yourself, I’ve forgiven you.”  
“I love you so much kid,” he suddenly wrapped his arms around Josh and pulled him tight, and Josh squeezed him back with equal force.  
“I love you too, it’s gonna be alright Father, it’s gonna be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How has everyone’s Easter been? Mine has been a little up and down, we had lots of family round and it was a tad overwhelming with so many people asking questions blah blah blah, but I escaped to the privacy of the loft and wrote this mammoth chapter - every cloud! Xx


End file.
